Nothing can really prepare you for getting dumped by your spouse. Don’t make the situation worse for yourself.
___
Your spouse just dumped you. Fired you.
Told you one of the many lines from The Script:
–ILYBINILW
-I need space, We need time apart
-I’m confused
-I don’t know what I want right now
-I just need time to think about things
Or maybe they were more precise:
-It’s over, done
-I don’t want to be married to you anymore
-I don’t love you anymore
-There will be no counseling or reconciliation
-I want a divorce
-I am in love with someone else
Nobody likes to hear any of this. It’s like a steel sword through center of your heart. Ouch. Nothing can prepare you for that pain. But while you can’t be prepared, there are definitely things that you can do that will make your situation worse.
So DON’T:
-Cry
-Beg
-Plead
-Grovel
-Try to convince them otherwise
-Offer them everything they have ever wanted
-Tell them you will be waiting no matter what for them to make their decision
-Hold on to them, clinging like a vine, as they are trying to kick you off of them
WHY?
-Because it looks weak
-Desperate
-You lose your self-respect
-They lose respect for you
-You lose your dignity, your self-worth when you do those thingsDon’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
When someone is running away from you, don’t chase after them. It is the single worst thing you can do.
However, DO:
-Listen to them
-Validate what they are saying
-Empathize with their point of view and then
-Tell them you are willing to restore your marriage and do anything you can to save it, including marriage counseling. You’re up to the challenge of saving this relationship you’ve grown.
♦◊♦
This leaves the ball in their court.
If they waffle or tell you it’s over, then it’s too late:
AGREE with them. Tell them you have thought about what they have said. While it wouldn’t have been your choice, you respect their wishes and will not fight them on this. You don’t want the marriage in the state it is in either. A commitment must come from both. And then….disappear. Go dark. No contact (besides co-parenting, if applicable).
Be mysterious
Do a 180
Go out with friends you haven’t seen in awhile
Exercise
Smile
Rent a funny movie
◊♦◊
When someone dumps you, you don’t go crazy trying to get them back. It backfires. It makes you come across as desperate (totally unattractive) and in some cases, even psycho.
People can’t miss you if you are always there. So start finding yourself again. It hurts, like hell, it hurts. But don’t be a doormat. Don’t help them, offer favors, move out of your home just because they told you to. Don’t call them, text them, feverishly check their FB or other dealings.
They want out. Open the door for them.
If they’re involved with someone else, get tested for STDs, tell them you will NOT live in an open marriage and if they can’t let the affair go, you will take protective measures, up to and including ending the marriage. Then you back it up with actions.
Remember that guy/girl in high school who had the biggest crush on you and it stroked your ego a lot but sort of skeeved you out cause they were relentless to the point of becoming annoying? Soon you started to be repulsed by how much they couldn’t stop making a fool of themself even after you’d made it clear you didn’t want anything to do with them? You were embarrassed for them! This is you if you can’t stop pining over them. Gross, right?
Being a doormat, crying, screaming, begging will make your spouse run clear in the other direction. Fast.
Do what works. If crying, screaming, begging hasn’t worked in the past, what makes you think it’s going to now?
Do something different…
LET THEM GO.
Photo by Maxime Guilbot.
I wish I could’ve seen/found this about 3 weeks or so ago. I never saw it coming and was told by my wife that she didnt know she wanted, she loved me but wasnt IN LOVE with me anymore and that “maybe we just need time apart”. Reading the above content I can’ t help but think it’s over and she just hasnt commited to saying it. We’ve been married 10 years here soon and have a home and a beautiful daughter who is in second grade this year. I’ve already done a good bit of what has been said… Read more »
This is so true. She left me just over a month ago. I didn’t beg, grovel or get angry. It took me about two weeks but I was able to accept it and move on. It does still hurt like hell and I only take it day by day, moment by moment but I feel okay. I’m striving for good and then great. I’ve shed a bunch of weight, started working out and feel so alive again, renewed. We have gone to couples counselling, which surprised me that she wanted to and we actually have been able to talk again.… Read more »
Mine is a man who’s doing this, not a woman. HE told me it was over, he told me not to contact him so I didn’t. HE then contacted me after two weeks. Not much changed so I just ignored him, figured he wasn’t that interested. HE then starts turning up everywhere he knows I will be. I assumed he was keen & made contact again. After all, somebody always being where you are is a sign, right? Polite chit chat for a couple of hours and now he is ignoring me. Two years of hot and cold. I guess… Read more »
Same advice.
The dumping partner is insecure with themselves and their decision. Playing games with you to keep you in the loop feeds their need to feel secure and wanted. They also get concerned when it appears you have moved on. Ugh.
I think your last sentence is brilliant!
Thank you 🙂
It is very hard to move on from somebody you care about and who continues to send mixed signals. I can’t say it’s ever happened before. They’re out or they’re in. I don’t really understand virtually stalking somebody you don’t want to be with.
I would move on, but it would be much easier to do so without him insisting on being a permanent fixture in my life.
What about when they dump you & you back off then they are everywhere you are? So you think they’re interested, and they back off? What’s that about? The ego stroke of knowing you’re still there?
Confused,
That is called the classic “They don’t know what they want but sure like it when you act like you don’t need them”. Common syndrome. Happens also to a lot of wives thinking they want a divorce up until she finds out he is more than ready to sign the papers.
Best plan of action: Back off. Stay backed off. She may eventually actually talk and act like a normal, mature person and explain herself…but don’t count on it. You can probably do better…unless you really love playing these little drama games.
Back in October, my ex dumped me a week before I was gonna propose. I was crushed. Begged, cried, pleaded…then got angry and picked arguments…called her names…blocked her on facebook…now that “I’ve gone dark”….the few times we speak she treats me like a human being instead of a puupy she doesn’t want anymore. It works.
Erica, I tend to agree but I have to say that having your partner walk out on you, when you are married and share children is a very different situation. Your view point is limited and doesn’t take into account anything but the idea of moving forward. Sometimes all areas need to be explored and even re-addressed. There are lives at stake. Families breaking down. There are too many colorful situations in the world to make a blanket statement such as this one.
Every situation is different. Of course things are not black and white. I am just saying that if something has not worked in the past, to try something new. I do think that people should do anything and everything to save their partnership/marriage, but it has to come from both parts. A commitment is a partnership. One person cannot carry it alone. Therefore, if someone is stating, “Adios” and unwilling to bend and meet their partner halfway, then there isn’t much to salvage. Each relationship and situation is different though and the individual couple should certainly take their needs into… Read more »
This works for men AND women. As far as the not crying part goes, it’s not really to stifle a man’s feelings, but whether your a man or a women, stay as calm as possible in their sight and do most of your crying when they’re gone.
Its a dignity thing, not a gender thing.
Agreed. This is not a gender-specific thing. It works for women, too.
No, NO. If you smell divorce, lawyer up and play defensive. Clean out the joint accounts and let her figure it out.
Excellent, Erica! So true, so necessary, so difficult, and so sad. The guys I work with have tremendous difficulty implementing this important advice. BUT…when they finally get it and feel it…their world stops crashing down around them. They move forward. I also teach how this advice is exactly part of the energy you should adopt when your partner hasn’t “dumped” you, but consistently treats you in ways that clearly show they do not respect you. When one partner chooses to begin behaving in destructive ways for the relationship, the other partner MUST be crystal clear on their own value and… Read more »
It really is so important in a case where a man is dealing with a woman who is already on her way to Leaving Town. I have encountered so many situations where someone simply refuses to let go, not realizing, it is having a completely adverse effect on the situation: not only for themself, but of what may be left to work on in a relationship/marriage. Getting to that place where one is beginning to see the light, to acknowledge,that it’s not entirely up to them is the key. Steve: professional help and a supportive network of family and friends… Read more »
Don’t cry? Are we changing philosophies on this site? Sorry, the real men are going to cry when it hurts too much. It’s preferable to suicide. Crying, good friends, and some scotch or rum depending on your preference will get you through.
The rest of the advice is pretty good. Personally I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near someone who perpetrated a love fraud on me. Clearly I was just good enough until someone or something better came along. Getting away from them would be easy.
I agree– crying is important.
I took it to mean, “Don’t sit around the ex-partner crying.” However, crying by yourself or with friends/family is good stuff. Restorative, even.
And I agree– this is some sound advice.
Crying is different than the other items listed. You should never try to control someones crying. I caught my daughter doing that with my grandson the other day. The patriarchy is still strong around the GMP sometimes.
That is exactly how I meant it. Crying, falling all over a partner who is already halfway out the door is not going to do any good in your favor. Crying, is of course, a human thing. There is great vulnerability in shedding tears and crying is not, per se, wrong, but in a case of someone telling their partner they want out, it’s not going change the tides of the situation. In fact, it can make it worse.
Great advice! This Erica Christina knows what she’s talking about.
Thanks, c10 and Zodak.
i think this is the first advice article on this site that i agree with 100%. I wish i had read it 10 years ago.
Also, to add to this list for the men — if the MAN is with someone else (in heart, body and mind, but on some level wanting to stay with the wife) — and you choose to actually commit to your wife & primary relationship – do NOT go spend time with the OTHER WOMAN. That will not go over very well for keeping any sort of partnership. At all.
Just posting as a reply because I see no place to post my own! 😉