Nothing can really prepare you for getting dumped by your spouse. Don’t make the situation worse for yourself.
Your spouse just dumped you. Fired you.
Told you one of the many lines from The Script:
-I need space, We need time apart
-I don’t know what I want right now
-I just need time to think about things
Or maybe they were more precise:
-It’s over, done
-I don’t want to be married to you anymore
-I don’t love you anymore
-There will be no counseling or reconciliation
-I want a divorce
-I am in love with someone else
Nobody likes to hear any of this. It’s like a steel sword through center of your heart. Ouch. Nothing can prepare you for that pain. But while you can’t be prepared, there are definitely things that you can do that will make your situation worse.
-Try to convince them otherwise
-Offer them everything they have ever wanted
-Tell them you will be waiting no matter what for them to make their decision
-Hold on to them, clinging like a vine, as they are trying to kick you off of them
-Because it looks weak
-You lose your self-respect
-They lose respect for you
-You lose your dignity, your self-worth when you do those things
When someone is running away from you, don’t chase after them. It is the single worst thing you can do.
-Listen to them
-Validate what they are saying
-Empathize with their point of view and then
-Tell them you are willing to restore your marriage and do anything you can to save it, including marriage counseling. You’re up to the challenge of saving this relationship you’ve grown.
This leaves the ball in their court.
If they waffle or tell you it’s over, then it’s too late:
AGREE with them. Tell them you have thought about what they have said. While it wouldn’t have been your choice, you respect their wishes and will not fight them on this. You don’t want the marriage in the state it is in either. A commitment must come from both. And then….disappear. Go dark. No contact (besides co-parenting, if applicable).
Do a 180
Go out with friends you haven’t seen in awhile
Rent a funny movie
When someone dumps you, you don’t go crazy trying to get them back. It backfires. It makes you come across as desperate (totally unattractive) and in some cases, even psycho.
People can’t miss you if you are always there. So start finding yourself again. It hurts, like hell, it hurts. But don’t be a doormat. Don’t help them, offer favors, move out of your home just because they told you to. Don’t call them, text them, feverishly check their FB or other dealings.
They want out. Open the door for them.
If they’re involved with someone else, get tested for STDs, tell them you will NOT live in an open marriage and if they can’t let the affair go, you will take protective measures, up to and including ending the marriage. Then you back it up with actions.
Remember that guy/girl in high school who had the biggest crush on you and it stroked your ego a lot but sort of skeeved you out cause they were relentless to the point of becoming annoying? Soon you started to be repulsed by how much they couldn’t stop making a fool of themself even after you’d made it clear you didn’t want anything to do with them? You were embarrassed for them! This is you if you can’t stop pining over them. Gross, right?
Being a doormat, crying, screaming, begging will make your spouse run clear in the other direction. Fast.
Do what works. If crying, screaming, begging hasn’t worked in the past, what makes you think it’s going to now?
Do something different…
LET THEM GO.
Photo by Maxime Guilbot.