On a recent open thread, Ozy posted a picture of her “steampunk rakish dandy” costume as an example of “what sluts wear on Halloween”. I was deeply offended. Speaking as a rakish dandy, I feel that this costume misrepresents my people, because the bottom two buttons of Ozy’s waistcoat are undone. You’re meant to have the bottom button undone, and all the rest buttoned. Never the bottom two, and never button the bottom one. I assumed everyone knew that.
Similarly, in our underwear thread, where men were discussing the value of genital freedom vs. genital support, and associated issues of binding, chafing, and getting stuck at a bad angle, we got a number of comments from women saying “Well fuck, this is all new information to me. I had no idea this was such an issue.” And why would they, really? It’s not something one learns unless one has to.
Back in the 1990s, I remember female-only IRC channels that would gender-test new entrants by quizzing them on feminine lore, the things women learn that men don’t. “What does a speculum do?” is one I recall. In those pre-Google days, that was considered a good-enough security system. I have no idea how they do it now.
So that got me thinking about masculine lore, the things men learn that women don’t. Waistcoat buttons, dick-arrangement protocol, and much more after the cut.
One of the a-ha moments for me in reading Norah Vincent’s Self-Made Man was in the opening, when she talks about how when she first went out in New York appearing to be male, her experience was entirely different. Men who would have stared at her before now just glanced, gave a brief respectful nod, and looked away. This blew her mind, and she writes:
To look away is to accept the status quo, to leave each man to his tiny sphere of influence, the small buffer of pride and poise that surrounds and keeps him. I surmised all of this the night it happened, but in the weeks and months that followed I asked most of the men I knew whether I was right, and they agreed, adding usually that it wasn’t something they thought about anymore, if they ever had. It was just something you learned or absorbed as a boy, and by the time you were a man, you did it without thinking.
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I say it was an a-ha moment, but really it was more of that spooky shiver of the familiar seen from an unfamiliar angle. Because of course I do the street nod, I have since I can remember, and I’d never thought about it in any kind of coherent way. Nobody ever directly taught it to me, it was just something I picked up silently. Ms. Vincent is absolutely correct that it’s about managing perceived threat, too. The nod says “I acknowledge your existence and offer no disrespect or aggression” and the return nod says “Same here, dude.” If I ever gave the street nod to a guy and it was not returned, you better believe I’d keep one eye on that guy until one of us was out of sight.
At this point in this post, I suspect a majority of our male readers are thinking “Yeah, that sounds about right” and a majority of our female readers are thinking “Wait, seriously?” There are always exceptions, of course, but in a society divided by gender, you’re invariably going to get unspoken gendered lore.
Nowadays, of course, much of the lore is out in the infosphere, and you can even find handy charts like this:
Back in my day, of course, you just had to learn urinal selection on your own, and it was for damn sure nobody was going to explain it out loud. It was just part of the unspoken lore, the things you picked up.
Really, I think there’s a very important distinction between the spoken lore, the lore of waistcoat buttons and scotch selection and foreskin cleaning, and the unspoken lore of street nods and urinal selection and the dance of one-upmanship. My feeling, not based on any strong scientific basis, is that the unspoken lore is where a lot of the really toxic shit hides out. Guys, how many of you absorbed some of the following lessons growing up, not necessarily in a formal way but just as something everyone knew?
- Never show emotion or vulnerability.
- Always win. The worst thing you can be is a loser.
- Homosexuality is repugnant and a constant danger.
- Do not turn away from violence: violence is an obligation.
I could go on, but I think the basic routine is pretty familiar, no? Not to say there aren’t some worthy and positive things in the unspoken lore as well, but kind of by definition, those ones aren’t problematic. Might be worth talking about anyway, though, just to see if we can tease them out and put them into words.
So, readers, what are some of the forms of spoken and unspoken masculine lore you’ve absorbed in your life?
Not to mention pretending that nothing happened after maknig eye contact is kind of rude.
I nod when I make eyecontact with people and I’m a woman, it’s just etiquette,a way of saying ‘hi’ without being creepy for being overly bold with a stranger.
BTW foreskin cleaning is /spoken/ lore?
@Schala: Maybe if you’re teaching k-12, but not at certain colleges. I happen to work at one with a very strict dress code, and considering what it took me to get that job, I’m not about to leave in the vague hope of finding employment someplace else. And…good luck finding affordable business-type stuff for women that isn’t glaringly, obviously feminine (or worse, too low-cut to get away with as a teacher).
Anyway, other than the dress code, it’s not a bad job.
I wrote a post a few weeks back relating to one of the unspoken aspects of masculine lore which seems a lot more obvious than it really is – the difference between confidence and aggression. The street nod is one example of this. In a sense, so is the spacing in urinals. There are regional variations, and it is hardly universal; in the west and south United States, looking somebody in the eye is confidence, whereas in much of the northeast United States and most of Britain, it’s aggression. It’s something women really need to learn, too, but as they… Read more »
As far as I can tell there’s light-hearted urinal lore too, “Five shakes and it’s a wank” springs to mind.
My own failure to live up to the lore (not that I really care) involves being completely unable to spit competitively (usually ends up back in my face, or on my clothes), nor can I throw. At all. Although I have gotten stronger in the last few years so maybe time to rediscover mah MANLY side (by throwing, not spitting, obviously).
@machina: I’m not arguing that men don’t treat women differently. I don’t see why that’s important though, since the idea here is to be in control of the interaction. You get eye contact, acknowledge them briefly and move on. Why don’t you think that would work for women? Generally, I’ve found that I need to be a bit more subtle when I try to be in control/dominate something than a man. For instance, it often takes less before a woman is seen as a blabbermouth, so dominating a conversation by getting the most speaking time is not always as straightforward.… Read more »
@machina “I’m not arguing that men don’t treat women differently. I don’t see why that’s important though, since the idea here is to be in control of the interaction. You get eye contact, acknowledge them briefly and move on. Why don’t you think that would work for women?” Gonna echo what @dreamwaffles said here. Pretty often for me, if I try the “brief eye contact, acknowlegement and then moving on” method, it usually is misunderstood as some kind of invitation. I’d say about half of the time I try that, the guy says/shouts something at me. Usually it’s just like… Read more »
This:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sqSQ5Vu8vM
Is “How to tie a tie” still dude lore? I was super excited when I got to learn from Deep End how to do it, but experience with tie tying varies among my dudely friends (I think it depends a lot on what job you go into now?)
“How to throw a punch correctly” is another skill that my male friends taught me and it’s been commented on as unusual when I demonstrated it on a punching bag.
Vejuz: quick note on colours:
Masculine Lore dictates that men see in 16 colours. Make of that what you will.
Most of what follows is stereotypes rather than lore but in my experience most guys end up, e.g., knowing enough about sports to hold a polite conversation about their local team – the stereotype is enforced and most people conform to a greater or lesser degree. Some amount of technical knowledge about cars is also expected of American guys – at least how to change a tire and perhaps do some basic troubleshooting (“That squeaky noise is probably your fan belt” or “Your battery died, you got a jump, and it was dead again the next morning? Probably your alternator.”).… Read more »
@machina: “I’m not arguing that men don’t treat women differently. I don’t see why that’s important though, since the idea here is to be in control of the interaction. You get eye contact, acknowledge them briefly and move on. Why don’t you think that would work for women?” I thought I’d jump in with a bit of my own experience (admittedly anectotal, but eh). For background, I’m a ciswoman, tall and lean with longish straight blondish hair, glasses, and pretty much fit the ‘conventionally attractive’ paradigm. I tend to dress functionally, as I work in labs and greenhouses, so lots… Read more »
For as long as I can remember, I have had a tremendous eye for color – to the point where my parents have frequently and seriously asked me my opinion on color when repainting the rooms in our house or if this prospective outfit matches. They tend to be the only one’s who ask, because I’m a closet Decorator. I have two very vivid memories attached to this: The first was when I was standing before my bed, midteens, looking at today’s clothing and thinking to myself “These match too well, I don’t want the girls to think I’m gay”*… Read more »
That’s basically the problem. If you want a job working with people, and especially being around minors, you are expected to toe the gender line. If I were to wear anything that wasn’t both professional AND feminine, or if I wore red lipstick with a pink shirt, people would actually start thinking less of me as a person. If I went to work in the clothes I wear to hang out, I’d be fired in no time. I can be myself personality-wise, but never, ever clothing-wise at work. Wouldn’t just jeans and a t-shirt, brushed hair left down, and no… Read more »
Aren’t the urinal rules common sense? Let’s say you enter an almost empty bus, there are only two other people on the bus besides you. Would you select a seat directly next to one of them? No, you would take a seat which gives everyone some private space. Same applies to bathrooms. Though, if the bathroom is heavily frequented it’s ok to take the spot in the middle (but keep your eyes straight). Just like it’s ok to take a seat next to a stranger in a crowed bus. One unspoken lore is about offering help. You don’t ask another… Read more »
Re: clothing again: When I was a kid, my mom loved to put me in cutesy little jumpers and dresses and those horrible leotard-shirts they had back then that had snap fasteners underneath so you could still go to the bathroom. I was her fucking doll until 5th grade or so, and the worst thing about cute dresses for little girls is that they itch in places one shouldn’t scratch. I got sick of skirts–you couldn’t climb in them, they weren’t as warm in the winter (I have next to no tolerance for the cold), and I felt like I… Read more »
AB: I don’t think that’s true. Norah Vincent seemed to have no problem doing it even before she got into training as a man. All it took for her was to be perceived as male, and suddenly she was perceived differently. It’s actually a bit insulting that you seem to equate ‘you’ with ‘male’ and just assume it’s the same for women. A bit like all the jerks who talk about how it can’t possibly be uncomfortable or threatening to get stared at and women are just hysterical about the whole ‘gaze’ thing, and how they would love to be… Read more »
@ Colin
I never locker room showered either. I specifically requested my High School phys ed class be the last one of the day so that I wouldn’t have to. I thought it’d be a big thing but my school was surprisingly cool about it.
My middle school stopped requiring them before I ever got there. Too many violent assaults got the school tired of it.
@Monkey “It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned what “dress left” or “dress right” meant.” I’m an adult & this is my first time hearing those terms – I guess I’ve figured out what they mean from context, though, and I think Wolfy’s right. @Leo Salloum Argh, locker rooms! I don’t understand how boys who’ve probably had little to no experience with casual nudity and are just entering an especially self-conscious time of life are supposed to just suddenly accept showering together like it’s no big deal! Especially in a situation like high school that adds extra… Read more »
Man hug! Stand as far apart as reasonably practical, then lean in and dodge round to one side in order to keep faces apart. Pat each other roughly on the back and then abruptly break away. Do not linger and never, ever, allow genital contact.
Man hug achieved.
I figure any arcane lore of clothing is stupid. AND I’m someone who does horrible without structured stuff…but knows her own taste in clothing. Tell me to “draw anything I want”, and I’ll have to think 30 minutes about what to even do, because it’s not “my taste” necessarily, plus I’m horrible at drawing. Tell me to “write anything I want”, and I just won’t. Too vague. But tell me “wear whatever you want” and I’ll choose something that fits my taste. It might be “too matchy matchy” or clash or whatever you want, but you can bet I’m going… Read more »
Ozy: “making your clothes match” shit is way complicated.
But see, on “Project Runway” if there is too much of the same color, Michael Kors will announce “it’s too matchy matchy”–which sent me into a tizzy the first time I heard it.
I LOOOVE matchy-matchy and never knew it was bad. 🙁
Mr Daisy proclaims the urinal graphic is true! Well, who knew? ROFL. (Really, I didn’t.)
You increase couple-communication here, yall. Nice work! 🙂
I totally do the Dudely Nod thing. 🙂
I tried to get people to explain the arcane lore of women’s clothing to me once. They thought I was being passive-aggressive but I honestly didn’t understand, because that “making your clothes match” shit is way complicated. (Don’t wear two of the same color together, unless it’s an accessory, or it’s denim, or it’s black or white, because those aren’t technically colors, or…)
@ Leo
#2 continues to exist into adulthood! He’s the one who’ll also pull a Captain Morgan pose on the nearest bench and strike up a conversation. I can never tell if the guy’s trying to flirt or people that relaxed actually exist in the world.
I’d have loved to have been #3, but one just attracts more attention to onself. So I wore a lot of Big-T’s.