Remember when I said I had a good deal more to say about hegemonic heterosexuality? I hope you didn’t think I was kidding.
Look, I downright love SMBC Theater. Never mind that they’re nerdy, progressive, and innovative, they did the best “Who’s On First?” parody I’ve ever seen, including the Kids In The Hall one. But they also did this other one, which is basically a literal fucking diagram of hegemonic heterosexuality. Note that it ends with a “victory” by the woman, phrased specifically as “Relationship Acquired”, and that the move that gained her victory was willingness to perform kinky sexual acts in which she is presented as having no personal interest. I don’t want to claim that’s exactly what I said, but that is, exactly, what I said. Note also that the guy at the end seems unhappy and defeated at the idea of holding hands with his girlfriend. Think about what a depressing and grim definition of “being in love” you would have to have for that to be acceptable.
Likewise, I’ve talked before about how I enjoy Cracked.com and their wacky, factoid-based gender enforcement. And now they can help me out again, because some of you reading this are thinking “Gosh, I still don’t understand hegemonic heterosexuality, and that thing you described as a literal diagram was not literally a diagram. Could you diagram things a trifle more literally?” You got it, buddy. Actual, no-comedic-license diagrams of hegemonic heterosexuality. You’re welcome.
You may think I’m kidding. Did I seriously just cite two comedy websites, two good comedy websites, as examples of a real social phenomenon? You’re damn right I did. Comedy exists within societal context. One of the most difficult barriers to understanding the jokes of the past is that it’s hard to decode which set of offensive stereotypes they’re using. I had a hell of a time understanding dirty jokes from the 1920s until I figured out that “drummer” and “travelling salesman” were the same job. Comedy tells you a lot about the stereotyped assumptions of the era it’s from. Look at how gay jokes have evolved just in the last few decades.
So these jokes I cite, which are quite explicitly that-always-happens jokes, are observable symptoms of an ugly societal phenomenon, the set of bullshit assumptions we call hegemonic heterosexuality. Without those assumptions, the jokes don’t make sense. They’re as reliably diagnostic as deducing a virus by the presence of antibodies to that virus.
Now here’s the fucked-up part. The two actors in that “Date Wars” video? They’re married. To each other. On, presumably, purpose.
Think about that. There are three possibilities here. Possibly Zach Weiner literally does think of his marriage as being founded on his defeat, his knuckling-under to a relationship he does not want, and his brilliant wife Kelly agrees with that assessment of their relationship. Possibly they know that their relationship is based on mutual love and respect, but assume that everyone else’s relationship is based on a vicious struggle between stupid and crazy. Or, and for the sake of my sanity I have to assume this is the case, they know that it’s basically bullshit, but figure since that’s the model everyone else seems to take for granted, and it’s what all the other comedy seems to be based on, why not just go with the flow, run with the obvious assumptions the audience will understand, and basically not rock the gender-role boat?
It is a bitter condemnation of our culture that the third one is the least depressing possibility.
The weird thing about this kind of comedy is that it makes heterosexuality seem so unpleasant. If people actually could choose their sexualities, and heterosexual relationships actually worked this way, who wouldn’t be same-sex attracted?
Nah, there’s at least a fourth personality: they don’t believe that’s how their relationship works, but they do believe it’s how it started. I think there’s at least some versions of hegemonic heterosexuality that can include the idea that eventually, once a relationship is long established, men can decide that emotional closeness is sort of nice, especially if it comes with sex. It’s just not manly for men to actually desire and seek out emotional intimacy, so women have to trick them into it, the way you’d trick a toddler into eating vegetables for his own good by pouring ketchup… Read more »
Ohhh, I love Meat Loaf.
The man, I mean, not that gross thing people eat.
Ha! I finally found it, the poem Zach Weiner read before making their marriage vows!
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1896#comic
Seems relevant if we’re going to discuss their attitudes towards relationships
@Nancy – The lack of media-pretty actors is probably just because it’s a low-budget web-only thing, rather than a statement (note the co-producer, co-writer and director being one person, and another as co-producer, co-writer and co-star).
I liked the SMBC skit, and (I haven’t followed tv for quite a while) am a bit surprised to see it played by ordinary looking people. I literally have no idea what message, if any, is conveyed by it not being done by media-pretty actors. Thoughts? Guesses? Whoever mentioned the midwest as the home of hegemonic heterosexual relationships— I have a bit of confirming evidence. It’s the only place where I’ve sold buttons at conventions, and had men say that they were buying buttons as a gift for their wives to make things easier. They actually seemed frightened. On the… Read more »
More on SMBC
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=901#comic
I sort of imagine a similar interaction in the history of many MRAs
This one leaves me confused about just what point is being made (none, I think)
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1918#comic
And this one is relevant to all our interests
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1626
🙂
“There are three possibilities here.”
Alternativelyternatively a fourth possibility:
They are satiring the statement driven by the mass media: a statement very few people actually believe.
Or maybe a fifth possibility:
They randomly decided on the script.
Or maybe a sixth possibility:
His wife feels like she failed and is trying to cash in on the relationship by making movies.
Or maybe a seventh possibility:
One of the two is a human trafficking victim brainwashed into the marriage.
How do you like that version of “Who’s on First” better than the original Abbot and Costello? o.O THOSE MEN WERE BOSS!
I thought that the SMBC Theater sketch had a more of a tongue-in-cheek flavor, poking fun at the stereotype rather than actively or passively enforcing it.
Agreed that the SMBC Theater is a parody; whether it’s a parody of fighting games or “hegemonically heterosexual”* relationships I’m not clear**, but it’s pretty cleared signaled by the video and just the fact that SMBC Theater is ALL parodies that it’s a parody. *: I do not like this term, because “hegemonic” does not mean anything useful in it except as an analogy to “hegemonic masculinity”. Not all social norms are hegemonic; hegemonic masculinity means that masculinity is defined by a “hegemon” (really archetype) and all men are masculine to the extent that they match the behaviors of the… Read more »
Gender roles waste such huge portion of our common human potential. That is all I am going to say about this right now. Ahem!
Having met and hung out with the two of them a couple of times, They are very much in the making-fun-of-the-fact-that-people-think-this-how-it-works camp
What a great post. Your blog has shot up to the top of my required reading list. Thanks for that. I will offer only one meager observation, with regard to the “everybody does it, so I guess I do” bit: One of my wife’s older female relatives has trust/honesty issues. She cheated like mad on her husband, and is now in a monogamous relationship (we’re pretty sure; hah) with one of the guys she initially cheated with. Over the years, as we’ve had discussions, something pops to the surface of conversation that’s so slight that I didn’t see it at… Read more »
Noah: One of the most difficult barriers to understanding the jokes of the past is that it’s hard to decode which set of offensive stereotypes they’re using. I had a hell of a time understanding dirty jokes from the 1920s until I figured out that “drummer” and “travelling salesman” were the same job. Comedy tells you a lot about the stereotyped assumptions of the era it’s from. Look at how gay jokes have evolved just in the last few decades. Yeah. And by the same token, I don’t get the dating-jokes from right now. Have things really deteriorated between men… Read more »
@Noah:
Though I think the SMBC skit is an excellent example of hegemonic heterosexuality, there are signifiers there that suggest the two actors are mocking hegemonic heterosexuality: the exaggerated expressions of dismay at a successful “counter-attack,” for example.
Nevertheless, it’s POSSIBLE that the SMBC skit is an example of “this-always-happens,” but I think the SMBC skit can also be interpreted as “hey-don’t-do-this.”
Let us not forget Cracked are also the ones whom I’ve seen mentioning “all men like sex, no woman does” in at least two articles along the lines of “5 stupid myths about sex that totally aren’t true”; actually, from my experience with them, I always saw them as more likely to critically subvert gender roles through their humour than to enforce it; the question does come of what they deem acceptable in one contet or another. what Ozy mentions is a photoplasty, the same ideas probably wouldn’t have flown in a more fact-based article because there wouldn’t be much… Read more »
I always saw the SMBC skit as a reduction to the absurd, with cool special effects.
I tend to agree with Jared, I think portraying hegemonic heterosexuality in a Harry Potter meets Pokémon way mocks the popular “war of the sexes” idea.
The smbc theatre video I took as a parody of hegemonic heterosexuality (not that I knew the term the first time I saw it). It’s the relationship struggle we-all-know-everyone-has-am-i-right (no) played out like a sci-fi wizard’s duel. The joke relies on a negative stereotype, but it fucks with it. As such, I am not depressed 🙂