—
When you were considering getting married to someone with their own children, you probably knew that it would take time and effort to build a good relationship with your stepchildren. You probably spoke to a few friends in similar situations and maybe you read a few articles on blended families. If you have been a stepdad for a while, but you feel like the rapport with your stepkids is still strained, you may be missing a crucial component to any good relationship, respect.
Respect is a concept that looks different depending on one’s socialization. While you may feel like you are showing respect to your stepkids, they might not interpret your behavior the same way you do. I know you want to feel respected by your stepkids. But, they also need to feel respected by you.
My mother got married when I was eight years old, and I knew exactly how to behave to make sure I was not disrespectful to my new stepdad. I would guess most kids in the South are taught thoroughly how to show respect to adults. However, I think parents need a lot of improvement when it comes to understanding the value of treating kids with respect, especially a stepkid.
I think my stepdad did many things well. He provided a home to live in, food to eat, and nice gifts I appreciated. But, outside of the material things, nothing else existed between us. At that time of my life, he was the only dad I had. He could have played a much more significant role in my life, but I don’t think he knew the first thing about how to begin a relationship. Hopefully, you can take a few pointers from me and cultivate a relationship of mutual respect between you and your stepkid(s).
1. Listen
You are going to have to stop what you are doing to do this one. You are going to need to make eye contact and ask questions that show you are trying to understand what your stepkid is saying. You may have to schedule time for just the two of you in order to make this happen. Everyone deserves to be heard. If you are too busy, let them know when you can talk. If you can pause what you are doing when they want to talk, even better. You should eventually become a trusted guide, another adult who cares about them and has their best interests at heart. But, you will never receive that privilege from your stepkid unless you invest the time to listen.
2. Stay Calm
All kids need to be redirected at times. However, the way you choose to redirect your stepkids plays a huge impact on the respect they feel from you. Snapping, “Get over here, NOW!” is received a lot differently than, “I need to speak with you.” Both directives are assertive, but the latter is also respectful. Your stepkids are going to screw up (you did). And, you are going to get angry (we all do). But, avoid raising your voice. Be their guide, not their boss. You should model emotional maturity at every turn so they can learn healthy, productive ways to deal with their own frustrations.
3. Give Options
No one feels respected by anyone who they feel has them under constant constraint or control. Every well-adjusted adult was raised with firm expectations but also allowed freedom within those expectations. Your stepkids will feel more respect from you if you and your spouse create opportunities for them to make healthy choices. Stepkids will not feel respected by any stepdad who tries to micromanage their lives.
4. Be Consistent
Have you ever worked for someone who changes things on a whim whenever it benefits them? If you have, you know how frustrating it is. Did you feel respected as a valuable employee? As a stepdad, you need to be reliable and consistent. Don’t change things without explaining your reasoning. Your stepkids need to have constants in their life and if you are the one shaking things up, they will not feel like you respect them at all.
5. Follow Through
If you want your stepkids to feel respected by you, be where you say you will be, and do what you say you will do. It’s that simple. Don’t make promises you might not be able to keep.
6. Show you care
Even though my stepdad provided for material things, as a kid, that did not translate into me feeling respected by him. You need to compliment your stepkid, know their interests, and spend one-on-one time with them. Little acts like those, help to create a climate of mutual respect.
Summary
Respect needs to be felt by all people in a relationship. As a stepdad, your stepchildren need to feel respected by you. Six strategies you should use to make sure your stepkids feel respected by you are: listen, stay calm, give options, be consistent, follow through, and show you care. If you master those strategies, your stepkids will have no doubts about the respect you have for them.
—
Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
Photo: Shutterstock