…and there’s no denying,
you were crying like a bitch.
Godsmack
I know it’s Tuesday and this is a Music Monday type of post, but the temperature’s been below freezing and it’s slowed the ideas in my brain. My apologies.
When I do a Music Monday post I tell you what a song means to me based on the lyrics and on experiences I had with that song. Not today. There are a few lyrics in this song that have some meaning, but for the most part, it’s the driving beat, the energy and the way he scream’s “You were crying like a bitch.”
I’ve liked that song from the first time I heard it. It’s in heavy rotation on my iPod and it’s great to listen to as you cook. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught myself jumping up and down as I pump my fists in the air in a sort of 2010 version of Rocky.
Sometimes Drama Queen is standing in the doorway shaking her head or straight up laughing out loud at me. Its embarrassing. But…whatever.
I don’t know what it is, but lately I’ve felt as if I’ve been crying like a bitch. A lot of crappy shit has hit my life the past few months, but it hasn’t all been bad. I’m generally a very optimistic person, but lately I find that I’ve been down more than usual and I don’t like it.
When it comes to my writing, I’m normally very confident. But not lately. Lately I feel like things have been mediocre and it sucks. I feel like the content and quality of the blog has declined. I feel like that’s leading to fewer readers and to people staying a shorter time on the blog.
I know I shouldn’t put a lot of faith in numbers and I really don’t. Usually. The last few weeks I felt like the writing just wasn’t as good as it could have been.
Two weeks ago I made a public proclamation that I was gonna pull my head out of my ass and get to work on the novel. I had about 13,000 words poorly previously written and there was a ton of editing that needed to be done to that chunk of prose. I’m ashamed to say that until yesterday I did nothing more than edit a few paragraphs of the old stuff. Actually, that’s not true. I also wrote 368 words of something new. Big deal.
I’ve been working at trying to freelance full-time again and to that end I made easy tasks harder than they needed to be and got behind in that endeavor as well. Ugh. Why I agonize over such simple, stupid things is a mystery to me. Actually, it’s not.
Some of you may find this next statement easy to believe and some may find it hard to believe.
I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of messing up and having people tell me I’m a moron and of being labeled “that fuckin dumbass”. As a result, I fret over the simplest things. Like business cards.
My current project is to scan some of the magazine articles I’ve written and put them in PDF files on my professional website, www.ReedWriting.net. I’m an idiot when it comes to a lot of computer things. I can open a PDF file with no problem and I can save a document as a PDF, but how the hell do I scan in three, four or five pages and make them a single PDF file?
I asked a couple friends, but they didn’t know. About 10 minutes after I asked The Muse, she sent me a link explaining how to do it. I was appreciative and quickly opened the link and saw that it was more or less straightforward.
It should be a piece of cake, but that damn doubt crept in again and I started convincing myself it wouldn’t work. I know I’m going to have to try it, but the bottom line is I’m throwing myself under the bus.
As I start to write blog posts the last few weeks, I’ve occasionally caught myself thinking too much. I sometimes ask myself, “I wonder what So-and-So will think about this post?” Or, “I hope XXX likes it.” I HATE that. I used to write for me. It was what I wanted and how I wanted it.
You know what? Fuck that noise. I have to go back to writing for me. I have to stop looking to others for approval. When I start writing and thinking about the approval of other, my writing sucks. I need to get back to the way it was, beginning with this post.
…but the hand of god
just smacked you back into yesterday
Today is a new day. By the time you read this I will be on an early flight to Washington D.C. for an overnight trip. I’m there to see about a writing opportunity and to possibly interview a person of some notoriety for a couple of posts and possible regular feature on this blog. I’m also going to get some headshots taken for use on various projects and will get to spend some time with a good friend.
I’m boarding the plane with optimism and hope. My new mantra is, “Why the fuck would I care what they think?” If that’s too harsh, maybe a simple, “I don’t give a shit,” would be better.
This trip is the perfect way for me look the past in the eye as I kick it in the sack and tell it to kiss my white ass. Every time I feel that doubt creep in I’m gonna listen to this song and remind myself that I’m done crying like a bitch.
J.R.
You know who should worry about sucking? People who suck. And that ain’t you, my friend.
Jason,
That was way cool of you to say. Thanks. You don’t suck either!
I think you’re the shiz-nit 😉
Excellent shit here bro! The fear of failure is a fear that will bite you in the ass time and time again. Been there, still there sometimes, and I know just how you feel.
But good for you at the same time. Looking the past in the eyes and kicking it in the sack. Whoop its ass JR. I know you can! Looking forward to this novel of yours. I’ll definitely be reading it!
You’re right–don’t worry about what people think. Not everyone is going to agree with you or like everything you say, and that’s what makes it interesting. You’ll get through it!
My blog, as you can probably tell, is purely for my own amusement. If someone reads it, great. I’m always surprised when people other than my sister actually comment on the stuff.
And thanks for the video. Lots of eye candy in that one. <: D
I understand where you are coming from. Reminds me a bit of the end of Field of Dreams. Remember when James Earl Jones is excited but a bit scared to enter the corn field. Dude, walk in that field because not walking means that you will fail. Failure is certain without taking those steps.
That is not anything you haven’t heard before, just a reminder. You have have the skill and you have the balls. Push on through.
Oh, so you’re normal?! Good, I hate abnormal people who can do it all.
One thing at a time. Tell you head to shut the shit up.
Xoxo
Liz
That song makes me want to go out and rip someone’s had off!
And you struggle is the same as alot of bloggers have. They are blogging for all the wrong reasons. Followers, post views, comments…blah, blah, blah.
I don’t even know how many page views or visitors I have. I’m gonna throw it out there and if its read great! If not then that’s fine too.