Manny Ramirez is a lazy sack of crap, Barry Bonds is a straight up asshole.
Thanks for allowing me to get the previous statement off my chest. I feel a little better at this moment. Not much, but a little. In case you didn’t hear, these two are back in the news this week because of their steroid use.
Let me start with that pajama wearing asshat, Manny. Yeah. He can hit. He fields like shit, but he can hit. At least, he can hit when he’s gaining an illegal advantage over the competition by taking banned substances. In the simplest of terms, he’s a fuckin cheater.
Is it just me or does anyone else think his nickname–Man Ram–sounds like the name of a gay porn star? I don’t know the names of any actual gay porn stars, but it sounds like what I imagine one to be.
Man Ram is a lazy dude who made a career out of hitting big home runs. His uniform looks like he’s wearing pajamas and he once went inside the Green Monster to drain the lizard. Right in the middle of an inning. Dude couldn’t even hold it. That’s sad. For the record, the Green Monster is the huge outfield wall in left field at Fenway Park in Boston. Apparently there’s a door which leads to a bathroom.
His top speed is “Medium Jog” and he rocks the dreads. Sounds like he may have been rockin something else, if you know what I mean. Let’s just say that he was/is most likely experiencing other aspects of Rastafarian culture. Look at him and tell me he’s not high.
When Boston got tired of his act they traded him to Los Angeles. Almost immediately, dude got hit with a 50 game suspension for sticking needles in his ass, and the Dodgers were pissed at him. I hate the Dodgers and I hate Manny, so that was a win-win situation for me. It was freakin cool.
It was announced this past week that dumbass got popped again. This suspension was going to cost him 100 games. That’s more than half a season. Instead of being a man and owning up to what he did, he retired. What a pussy. Yeah, this was going to be your last year, but Manny…can’t you be a man and admit you kept juicing?
Who the hell would want to take anything that shrinks your sack? I like mine as is and I don’t want to do anything to alter it in any way. God gave me that sack and I’m keeping it just like he made it.
We know Barry Bonds was on the juice. His mistress said so. She told media his testicles shrunk in size. His wife made no comment on the size of his sack, but his girlfriend did. That’s too funny.
The shrinking, of course, was from his steroid use. Barry Bonds trial is now over and the jury is deliberating. Will he finally be called a lying piece of crap or will be go back to believing he’s fooling people? God, I hope they find him guilty.
During the same time the balls were shrinking, Giants equipment staff noticed his hat size was getting bigger. That’s odd. He says he wasn’t using steroids, but his balls shrank and his head got bigger. What could that mean? Could Barry be lying to us? Shit yeah he is.
Dude knew exactly what he was putting in his body. Don’t think for a moment that he didn’t. That guy is a straight up dick. No one liked him personally and teammates avoid him. That says a lot about his character right there…
When he started out with the Pirates he seemed OK. I used to watch his dad play, when he was with the Angels in the mid 70’s. Bobby was cool. Barry is not. You can tell when he started juicing, because his home run output went up and he became a raging a-hole.
I hope the jury finds a way to send him to the joint. If he does, it will probably be some minimum security places. A Club Fed of sorts. I’d like him to go to one of those prisons they have on Beyond Scared Straight. A place where he would be some guys bitch and where he would get the shit kicked out of him on a regular basis. That would be so cool.
I’m not so sure why I have so much animosity towards these two, but I do. I could go on and on and give you a list of all the things they did, but it all comes down to one simple sentence. They fucked up a good game.
I’m definitely not one of the hardcore baseball purists. I enjoy the game, but generally don’t know a bunch of stats or standings. I know if my Angels and Cubs are playing well or if they suck ass, but I probably can’t tell you what place they’re in.
A father (or a mother) should never have to explain to their child that Barry Bonds cheated to get his records. A parent shouldn’t have to explain how sticking a needle in your ass gives you little balls, a big head and the ability to hit a baseball a long, long way. Kids don’t need to know that shit.
This kind of sports news is why I need to be back on the radio again. My co-host, Wes the Sports Guy, is amazingly smart, but when we get stories like this, he would shut up and let me roll with it for a bit.
Hopefully someone, somewhere wants to put us back on the air. That way when the next funny story surfaces, I can go on the air and make fun of it. We’re talking about podcasting until we get another gig, so maybe I will get a chance to go live and talk about my two favorite small sacked sluggers. That would be cool.