3 Brutally Honest Reasons Men Don’t Commit [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

0:00
why won’t men commit
0:02
them scallywags scoundrels rap scallions
0:06
sons of
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is this a serious intro or do you what
0:10
what do you want to do no i want to keep
0:12
this
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we put a post on instagram asking men
0:16
why don’t you want to commit here were
0:18
some of the comments that men made
0:19
travel and treasures said i’m scared of
0:21
losing my
0:23
freedom which is a very apt comment from
0:25
travel and treasures adrian says loss of
0:28
independence and loss of
0:30
self-identity over time harris says i
0:33
always fear that the other person will
0:34
completely take away my me
0:37
time what did i say but when you were
0:39
gonna move in
0:41
babe i was like what what i was like
0:43
afraid of something i was like what am i
0:45
going to do when i just want to
0:47
listen to my podcasts is that what i
0:49
said you won’t get time to listen to
0:51
your podcast what about listen but what
0:53
about my podcasts
0:55
and you said you can still do that
0:58
it’s fine
1:00
sit in your little sad corner and listen
1:02
to your podcasts dennis says the fear of
1:05
losing out to a better relationship yet
1:08
to come by committing fully to this
1:10
person if she will stay with me in bad
1:13
times for example less income from the
1:15
business lots of different reasons i
1:18
it’s funny
1:20
we had
1:21
written a kind of
1:22
format for this video here three reasons
1:26
why
1:26
men
1:27
are afraid of commitment and of course
1:30
there’s more than three but we were like
1:31
if there were three really big ones what
1:33
would they be
1:34
and
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the comments we got from men in response
1:38
to that post on instagram
1:41
exactly correlated with what we had for
1:44
this video here goes three reasons why
1:46
men are afraid of commitment and in each
1:48
case
1:49
what can you do to circumvent
1:52
that fear before we go any further with
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the video and trust me there’s going to
1:56
be some amazing male psychology in this
1:58
video
1:59
i wanted to make sure that if you want
2:01
to skip straight to the practical thing
2:02
that you can do to get more commitment
2:04
from someone you open up a new tab in
2:07
your browser right now and type in
2:10
getthefreetraining.com i have a video
2:12
there waiting for you that’s completely
2:14
free to watch but it gives you something
2:16
very specific you can do to get more
2:18
commitment now back to the video number
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one
2:22
the fear that i will make the wrong
2:26
choice now this is a fear born out of
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the feeling that the stakes are so high
2:30
and of course they are high the
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choosing of a right partner is one of
2:35
the most important decisions that we
2:37
will ever make and we are indoctrinated
2:39
with that
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people are indoctrinated with the idea
2:42
that this is
2:43
incredibly special marriage is so
2:45
special it’s so important it’s so big
2:48
and even if you have been
2:50
told over and over again that marriage
2:52
is scary then the idea of marriage being
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scary and a giant commitment and
2:58
something that can go horribly wrong
3:00
raises the stakes yet higher because
3:02
your terrified that this already really
3:06
difficult and scary thing is going to be
3:08
made
3:09
hellish
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if i make the wrong choice so when we
3:13
think about who’s going to be our
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confidant best friend our lover our
3:18
roommate for the rest of our life that
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feels like a very big decision and that
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can create a kind of decision paralysis
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this idea that i can’t make a decision
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in case i get it wrong or what if
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another person that’s better comes along
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there’s that optimization that can find
3:33
its way into our love lives in a really
3:35
unproductive way always thinking that
3:37
might be someone better someone more
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attractive someone with even more of the
3:41
qualities i want even if the person that
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i’m with has some great qualities that i
3:46
want and that keeps us in this perpetual
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state of self-doubt of not trusting our
3:52
own decision-making so what can you do
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about that i think one of the really
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interesting pieces of psychology around
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relationships is that to me the myth is
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the idea that love at first sight love
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at first sight is this great myth that
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we’re supposed to meet someone know that
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they’re the one and then we invest in
4:09
them because they’re the one
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and i think that often it works the
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other way around you meet someone yes
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they have a lot of the qualities that
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you really want in a person yes there is
4:19
some initial chemistry but then they
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become the one by what you invest in
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them and by what they invest in you you
4:26
create something special because you
4:28
build it together the problem is if
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you’re so fixated on worrying about
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whether someone is the right person you
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never actually invest enough to get past
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the tipping point of feeling like you’ve
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got something incredibly special on your
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hands and questions early on in dating
4:45
that are to the effect of what are we
4:48
where is this going long term are we in
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a relationship can sometimes immediately
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raise the stakes of a situation in a way
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that stops someone from investing to
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begin with
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so how do you get around that i think of
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it like bringing someone in
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through the shallow end of the pool
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where they can paddle and get their feet
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wet and just get
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get acclimatized to the temperature of
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the water they can feel the benefits of
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a relationship they can experience the
5:19
feeling of being close to someone i’m
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not suggesting by the way that you do
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this in the context of uh not being
5:25
exclusive but what i am saying is
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when you’re with someone you can say to
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them especially if they’re showing
5:32
resistance to a relationship you can say
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look i
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don’t know where we’re gonna be in six
5:38
months i don’t know if you’re gonna be
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right for me ultimately and you don’t
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know if i’m gonna be right for you i
5:43
could leave you who knows but what i
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know
5:47
is that i like you enough and i think
5:49
that this is interesting enough that i
5:52
want to actually give it a shot
5:54
and see where it could go but if you’re
5:56
not on the same page as that if you if
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you’re not willing to do that with me
6:01
then there’s no point in me continuing
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to give my time and energy and attention
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to this and what that says to someone is
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hey we’re not signing a contract for the
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rest of our lives right now either of us
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have a way out if we want it’s okay if
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later on you you can even say that to
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someone it’s okay if later on
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you decide that it’s not right for you
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but it would be such a shame if either
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of us decided that having not actually
6:23
given it a real shot that allows someone
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to commit
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to the situation right now to the
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relationship right now without
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thinking that that means they have to
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make their mind up for their whole
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future of course later down the line
6:38
you’re going to want to see progression
6:39
but right now what it does is it gives
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someone the opportunity to actually
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experience how amazing this relationship
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is in a way that can actually have them
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tipping over into
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well this is it this is the thing that i
6:53
want but i only got to that realization
6:55
by actually giving my all to it and the
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only reason i gave my all to it is
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because the person i’m with lowered the
7:01
stakes of the initial decision the
7:03
second male fear around commitment is
7:06
that i will lose myself now this comes
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in many forms losing our self can feel
7:12
like just losing all of our time it can
7:14
feel like
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losing the activities that we really
7:17
enjoy doing the hobbies that we love
7:19
doing the friends that we love seeing
7:21
all of the even just the me time as it
7:23
was put in the instagram comments to
7:25
that post the time that i spent as i put
7:28
it listening to my podcasts but what
7:31
about my podcasts
7:33
it’s the moments that we have with
7:35
ourselves
7:37
that we’re afraid but i really like i
7:39
see this couch here what you don’t know
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is this room i call it the japan room
7:42
it’s like a little room that i’ve got
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kind of just my in my japanophile heart
7:47
i’ve created it
7:48
in the image of some of the japanese
7:50
influences that i really like and in the
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mornings i like to wake up
7:54
and i like to just sit on this sofa not
7:56
with my shoes on jameson but i i just
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sit on this sofa and i’ve got my laptop
8:00
and my little coffee and my journals and
8:03
i just i just work away and just do my
8:05
little have my little routine jameson
8:07
you know it’s my little eccentricity my
8:09
little things that i do
8:11
and if i try and wake up really early so
8:14
that audrey can’t
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interrupt that time and so sometimes
8:19
that means me waking up at 5 00 a.m so
8:21
that i have a good like two to three
8:23
hours where i can just be here on this
8:25
sofa and do that if she wakes up early
8:28
if she’s like i can’t sleep and she
8:30
comes out i think what have i done
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you know because it’s that’s my little
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time i don’t want to lose that you know
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so we all have those things and we’re
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afraid that someone’s going to come in
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and they’re going to take those things
8:45
from us they’re going to take who we are
8:47
from us i know some of the men in the
8:48
comments wrote about the masculinity
8:50
that they felt they would lose if they
8:52
lost control over
8:54
making certain decisions in their life
8:56
if they felt like somebody else was
8:57
suddenly calling all of the shots if
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they felt like they had to go and ask
9:01
permission for everything from that
9:02
point forward or i know a lot of men are
9:05
afraid that they’re going to get into a
9:06
relationship where
9:07
the other person is the one who is very
9:10
much in control and the man suddenly
9:13
starts pandering or trying to uh
9:17
supplicate to this person because
9:19
they’ve made her so important and put
9:21
her on such a pedestal that they then
9:23
lose themselves in that situation so
9:25
it’s just easier not to get into the
9:26
situation in the first place we’re all
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afraid on some level men and women by
9:31
the way but we’re all afraid that
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there’s some essential part of ourselves
9:36
that we will lose in the process now
9:39
what can you do about this one of the
9:41
most generous and beautiful and calming
9:43
things you can do for somebody is to
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first listen listen to what’s important
9:48
to them what things do they really enjoy
9:50
what little routines do they have that
9:54
are important to them you know someone
9:56
audrey could have come in and she could
9:57
have just laughed at that little
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routine i have in the morning that i do
10:01
she does laugh at it as a matter of fact
10:03
but she also respects it and she’s like
10:05
i know that’s your little time
10:08
for yourself i know you don’t want me
10:10
anywhere near you when you’re having
10:12
that time and she sort of she laughs at
10:14
me but she also gets it she’s like that
10:16
i get it i get it you need it
10:19
you need it and if i feel she’s
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respecting that
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for me then i don’t worry that i have to
10:26
guard it i know ah we’re guarding it
10:29
together because my happiness is her
10:32
happiness it could be time with his
10:33
friends it could be that you know that
10:35
he needs time with his friends and so
10:37
you actually encourage that time with
10:39
his friends you actually encourage go do
10:41
that you haven’t seen them all week go
10:42
hang out with them you should go and see
10:44
this person or go have fun
10:46
giving him space
10:48
you know you go do your stuff so that he
10:50
can go do his stuff
10:51
having your independence is something
10:53
that allows someone to have their
10:55
independence a huge part of this is
10:56
listening and a huge part of it is
10:58
anticipating someone’s needs
10:59
anticipating someone’s desires what they
11:02
want what allows them to feel like them
11:04
and when someone feels you’re doing that
11:07
they feel safe knowing that they can
11:11
give the best of themselves to the
11:12
relationship but they also get to hold
11:16
on to the parts of themselves and their
11:18
lives that they really loved when they
11:21
were on their own the third big male
11:23
fear around commitment
11:26
you are gonna me
11:30
but not in the way i like
11:34
audrey do you think we can get away with
11:36
that one
11:37
yeah it’s good
11:39
it’s pretty good there we go
11:41
one woman in the room said it’s okay
11:43
jameson
11:45
this by basically boils down to the idea
11:48
that
11:50
we can’t trust
11:52
the person in front of us
11:54
and there are many male fears that
11:56
relate to not being able to trust
11:58
somebody
12:00
there’s fears around money
12:03
you know that what i’ve created or what
12:05
i’ve built in my life is that going to
12:06
be safe or is that suddenly going to be
12:08
taken from me if things go wrong there’s
12:10
fears around having a family that they
12:13
didn’t want or weren’t ready for there’s
12:16
fears around is this person going to
12:18
change in the course of the relationship
12:20
especially once i’ve made a major
12:22
commitment are they all of a sudden
12:24
gonna show me who they actually are
12:26
ta-da
12:27
here’s who you were with all along it
12:29
was all a dance it was all a jig is it
12:32
gonna be that or am i in front of
12:34
someone who actually is a teammate who
12:37
is what they present to me
12:40
and who if god forbid
12:43
hits the fan
12:44
is going to be a person of class and
12:47
character when that happens there are
12:50
that i could write a whole program on
12:51
how to show this kind of character i
12:53
have in fact written a whole program on
12:55
this kind of stuff called attraction to
12:57
commitment i’m not here to talk about
12:58
that today but
13:00
this is really deep stuff
13:02
because in the beginning of dating our
13:05
character
13:06
is one of the things that makes people
13:09
feel truly safe around us like they can
13:11
trust us and what are the things that
13:14
show character what are the things that
13:16
show integrity it could be as simple as
13:18
how they see us treat our friends or how
13:20
they see us talk about our friends do we
13:22
gossip about our friends or do do we
13:25
reveal our friends secrets my friend
13:26
said never to tell anyone this but do we
13:29
do that
13:30
do we
13:32
talk horribly of our exes and reveal
13:35
their secrets and things they never one
13:37
of would have wanted reaching the light
13:39
of day are we someone who contributes
13:41
i’m a big believer jameson in paying for
13:43
dinner on the third date if you haven’t
13:45
paid for the first two pay for the third
13:47
one that was kind of the whole essence
13:49
of the who should pay video back in the
13:50
day the whole idea of that was when
13:52
someone can see that you’re a teammate
13:54
they trust you they trust you or it
13:56
could be an offhand comment about the
13:58
fact that you think it’s
13:59
mad that people certain people you know
14:01
go into a relationship expecting the
14:03
person that they’re with to fund their
14:05
lifestyle and they don’t think that’s
14:07
appropriate they don’t think that’s
14:08
respectful to the person they’re with it
14:10
could be a comment about
14:11
marriage and how you would never want to
14:14
be in a marriage where the passion wanes
14:16
or the sex stops because that’s super
14:18
important to you all of these things
14:20
tell someone hey who i am today is who
14:23
i’m going to continue being hey the
14:25
things that are important to you long
14:26
term are important to me long term hey
14:29
if things go wrong i’m gonna be a really
14:31
big and wonderful person in that moment
14:34
even if there’s hurt feelings in other
14:36
words you can trust me i’m a person of
14:40
character and when we feel like we’re
14:42
with a person of character the stakes
14:45
don’t feel quite so high on actually
14:48
moving forward with someone and trusting
14:50
them i think this is such a big subject
14:53
i’m really curious to know what you
14:55
think about it all the things that i’m
14:57
saying are not always easy to say it’s
14:59
kind of a minefield talking about this
15:02
stuff but i believe in being truthful i
15:04
believe in being honest i think we have
15:06
to be honest about women we have to be
15:07
honest about men we have to be honest
15:09
about people on this channel otherwise
15:10
why on earth would you watch
15:12
now i want to give you something else
15:14
that can help you because
15:16
you might be in a position right now
15:18
where someone already is dragging their
15:20
feet somebody is showing signs that
15:22
they’re afraid they’re putting the
15:23
brakes on something that has an enormous
15:25
amount of potential and you may be
15:27
wondering to yourself what can i do in a
15:30
situation like that how can i actually
15:32
communicate with this person in a way
15:34
that can continue the positive momentum
15:37
we have instead of having them
15:39
prematurely end a really good thing
15:43
i have a free video training for you it
15:46
is a get the free training dot com
15:50
and it is an incredible video that i’ve
15:52
put together on what you can say to
15:54
someone who is uming and aring not sure
15:57
what they want
15:59
showing that they’re afraid of
16:00
commitment showing that they’re not
16:02
ready it literally talks you through
16:05
what you can say to that person to help
16:07
them move past their fears and continue
16:11
to a deeper relationship check it out at
16:14
getthefreetraining.com
16:16
this is free it’s actually taken from my
16:19
program attraction to commitment and it
16:21
is a really powerful training segment
16:24
did i mention it’s free jameson
16:28
yes oh it turns out i did okay go check
16:30
it out is that get the freetraining.com
16:32
i will see you over there right
16:34
now
16:36
now
16:39
now
16:40
open up a new browser
16:42
new tab
16:45
now
16:56
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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