How do you feel about your relationship (or relationships) in your life right now?
Do you feel nourished and safe within them, or do you often walk away feeling uneasy for reasons that you can’t quite pinpoint? Do your relationships feel strong and healthy, or concerningly dynamic? If you’re someone that is starting to get the feeling that your relationship might be toxic, then this is for you. This goes for any relationship — whether that be family, romantic partners, or friends. (I will be using the word “partner” in this article, but remember that I am not referring exclusively to romantic or sexual relationships.)
It’s often difficult to fairly pinpoint the signs of toxic relationships and have the strength to admit when they are toxic, but it’s absolutely necessary. We deserve better than toxicity, and relationships should be a safe place where we come to feel comfort, support, belonging, and love.
So are you in a toxic relationship? Let’s take a look at 5 of the signs.
#1: They don’t respect your personal boundaries
If your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries, then that’s a big red flag. Personal boundaries keep us sane, and they help us preserve our sense of self and keep ourselves healthy as we embark on connecting with others. A healthy partner should honor those boundaries — regardless of how they may personally feel about them — and never make you feel guilty for having them.
This can present itself in a variety of ways (both physical and emotional). For instance, maybe your romantic partner loves public displays of affection and often tries to initiate it in public, despite you repeatedly creating a personal boundary and stating to them that it makes you uncomfortable. Or maybe your friend loves to vent to you incessantly about their personal problems, despite you telling them that these kinds of talks take a rough toll on your mental health. Or maybe your family keeps asking you personal questions about your significant other when you have consistently requested that they respect your privacy. No matter how this violation of boundaries manifests, it’s not OK — and you deserve better. Personal boundaries should be non-negotiable.
#2: You feel like you “owe” each other for things
This is another sign of toxicity that is so often overlooked. Do you and your partner feel like you “owe” each other all the time? Or maybe you feel like you “owe” them? Either way, this is a problem. Relationships should be about mutual respect and effort. If you are constantly keeping score of what your partner does for you vs. what you do for them, it may be a sign that your relationship has become toxic. This is different than compromise and balance — in those situations, you and your partner may do things for each other as a way of showing gratitude or trying to maintain balance in your relationship.
However, it becomes unhealthy when it starts to feel forced and heartless. If you’re just doing things for your partner because you feel like they expect you to do it (you “owe” them) or if your heart is not in it and it’s no longer about love and reciprocation, then things may have turned sour. For example, if your partner listened to you vent one night and the next night you agree to go clubbing with them (even though you desperately don’t want to) because you feel like you have to “make it up to them,” that’s not OK. Sometimes relationships will not always be 50/50, and that has to be something we need to recognize. Instead, our focus should be on creating balance in other ways and showing love for partners rather than feeling obligated to do so in the interest of making things even.
#3: They gaslight you
Big red flag here. I cannot stress this enough: if your partner is consistently gaslighting you, then you deserve better. Period. Gaslighting shows that they are more concerned with their own pride and convenience than your feelings and needs in the relationship. It also doesn’t show much respect if they continue to doubt what you say and make you question everything. That’s causing emotional pain and turmoil for you, and that is so not what relationships should be like. Any healthy partner will validate your feelings (even if they disagree), rather than flippantly dismissing them, refusing to acknowledge them, or denying that they exist and falsifying your narrative.
#4: They undermine or mistreat you in public
Partners who make snide comments in public or trash-talk you to their friends are not loving and normal, they are toxic. Of course, it’s not OK to do this to your face, either, but doing such things in public shows a certain level of disregard for your feelings, and prioritizes their own ego. The minute that their ego becomes more important than your well-being, that’s when you know things are not right. And furthermore, if they only say bad things about you around friends or family or treat you badly in public, they also don’t care about showing any effort in the relationship. This shows that they’re not invested at all (or at least not nearly as invested as you might be) and that imbalance is what really produces toxicity. It might hurt your feelings or cause you to wonder why you’re even making effort or staying with them if they’re not going to put in an ounce of work or treat you kindly. Frankly, I’d be thinking the same thing. Don’t settle for a partner who acts this way.
#5: You don’t feel appreciated or respected
This is arguably the biggest, baddest sign of toxicity. I concede that there are plenty of relationships where this happens authentically — people fall out of love, and you might not always feel cared for if you or your partner is losing interest and starting to grow apart. However, I’m not talking about that; I am talking about something much more intense. If your relationship lacks emotion and love so strongly that you don’t even feel appreciated or respected by them anymore, and they don’t show enough decency to provide that for you, then it’s time to really examine whether this relationship might be toxic. Whether or not people are in love with each other, or angry at each other, or whatever, there should always be a basic level of respect and understanding. You should always be able to feel safe and respected by them, regardless of the context.
Well, I’ve noticed one or more of these signs. What do I do now?
Thankfully, the thing about relationships is that they can change. It’s not impossible to turn a toxic relationship back into a healthy, loving one. Of course, it’s not always easy to have productive discussions with toxic people in your life, and maybe you feel that at this point, your relationship is beyond saving. In that case, do what is best for you. Don’t apologize for taking care of yourself, and feel empowered to leave relationships that no longer make you feel good. It’s 100% OK, whatever you decide.
But if you do have hopes of reconciling with your partner, then it starts with dialogue. I believe that there are instances in which people can be toxic without even realizing it (it obviously doesn’t justify it, though). Maybe your partner is wrapped up in their own world and hasn’t noticed that what they’re doing is harmful to your relationship. If that’s the case, then a discussion with them could really improve things. Don’t attack them, but be honest about your point of view and let them know how you feel. Be clear about your boundaries and your desires in the relationship, and see if you can both find common ground and agree on a way to make things better.
Relationships are difficult, and they require a lot of commitment — physical, emotional, mental, and social — for both parties involved. Be forgiving of yourself, regardless of your relationship’s outcome, and remember that you are not at fault when others are mistreating you. Prioritize yourself and your needs above everything else, because toxicity can be a lot to navigate.
Good luck to everyone out there who has ever had to recover from — or who is currently in — a toxic relationship. I send my love to each and every one of you, and I hope that you are able to find peace.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash