He was this handsome, intelligent, charming and funny guy who had no idea how sexy he was. His self-esteem was so low, I constantly had to build him up. He had never been intimate with anyone apart from his wife, the woman he was with for 10 years. He never really went out or had any friends, his life revolved around his family. For years he had been trying to fix their broken marriage but it had been one-sided, she had refused to see a counsellor. “I honestly think if I would die today she would only say thank you for the insurance money”. Then he met me, the love of his life, his soulmate. Everything would be so different once we got married, had our baby. At first, I thought he was just confused because it had been so long since he felt “in-love”. I worried he would get too attached to someone he barely knew. I had no idea that everything he ever told me was fabricated. A script from his imagination, based on the little information he had about me, to position himself as the perfect partner. A script conveyed with such intensity and emotions that many professional actors would envy.
I didn’t even know he was cheating on me
I have been cheated on before and I thought I was good at spotting the signs. He was different, he was so intense, so in love and besotted with me, we spent every free second together. I always seemed to be the one who had more doubts about us working out in the long-term than him, where he was always convinced I was the love of his life. I only found out that he was cheating on me by coincidence and after the breakup. When I finally spoke up about the relationship, someone told me that something had happened with another woman at work. I reached out. It turned out they were having a relationship for half a year while we were together. She had no idea about me. I started searching for more. I found another woman he was seeing very briefly at the very start of our relationship, and some incidents later on, but I don’t know anything about them.
I guess if someone lies and cheats on you from the onset you will never notice a change in behaviour
Why Ashley Madison?
He moved back to his wife now, so his Tinder profile is inactive, at least the one that is under his name. But something I have learned from all my reading on Cluster-B Personality Disorders: these people do not change overnight. And people who lie and manipulate in this manner haven’t learned it overnight either. I just knew that someone who was practically dating 3 or more women at once couldn’t just go back to monogamy, so I asked myself, how would he approach women now, especially during lockdown? Dating sites for married people. I signed up for a few different ones and found him on 2. 2 where I can recognise it’s him. No one uses real names, you have to search by location and age range. And there he was. His picture of his face is blurred but I recognise it, it is one from his wedding. The star-sign, education, job, hobbies, children everything matches perfectly.
“I am a bored husband looking for some fun on the side. Nothing serious, but willing to be adventurous. I am very new to this and will be discreet. Looking for someone sexual and discreet to have fun with”
I knew these sites existed, I just never thought I’d be involved with someone using them
It’s just one of these things that you read about on the news but don’t think ever happens in your life. His profile isn’t the worse, some men don’t even blur the pictures, others straight-up post pictures of their best bits. Within minutes of signing up, I have 100+ profile views and several messages. I don’t even have a picture but all too quickly I am getting passwords to private galleries. Many of these men seem desperate, willing to travel miles across the country for some fun. He is definitely one of the better-looking profiles and it makes me wonder how many women he met through this. Maybe these men are starving, being married to women who don’t want sex? I know some people like that exist, it’s no excuse, but could be an explanation. For my ex, I have no logical explanation. On the one hand, he complained that I wanted too much sex and on the other he slept with every woman that gave him attention. Do I have to search for everyone I am dating from now on? I hope not, but I will most likely question any story I cannot verify, and if someone comes across too intense and perfect, I will do my research!
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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