I hung on. I hung on. I hung on well past our expiry date. Eventually, the rope snapped. I fell. It wasn’t a gentle fall. And by the time I hit the bottom, it was dark and I was alone. I’d been hanging on for years. I was tired. The drop was inevitable, but I didn’t want to accept it. I certainly wasn’t prepared for it.
This was the end of my first marriage. I could have let go years earlier. I should have. I didn’t want to. Even though to stay was not a smart choice for me, I stayed for the kids. I stayed out of fear. I stayed for god knows why.
Sometimes you just gotta know when to let go.
When your relationship is where you find your value, your identity, your worth, then until you can let that go, and not be dependant on it, you will forever be reliant on it.
Survival by external validation is a rock that will sink you. Thriving through internal validation is a rock that will hold you through any storm.
If your personal value is in your partner, no matter how amazing you think she or he is, if that person leaves, dies, or chooses someone else, what happens to your world?
It’s quite normal and absolutely ok to be sad, disappointed, even momentarily heartbroken if someone does not choose you. But when your personal value is predominantly based in another person, on something outside of your own self, you place a lot of unfair pressure on that person to be your everything.
Let her go.
Whether or not it’s time to let go is ultimately up to you.
But when we hold on for the sheer fear of letting go, in the hope that if we could just buy some extra time things might get better, for the chance of an empty miracle, then we are holding onto false belief.
If you want things to change, you gotta do the work, otherwise, you’re living a lie.
We are afraid of death, afraid of change, afraid of the unknown. Sometimes it takes letting go before something can change. Sometimes you gotta rip the bandaid off so the wound can heal. Sometimes you gotta cut the cord so you can fall to a new place and start again.
Let her go.
When it comes to men and relationships, for many of us, trying to fix the unfixable is where it all goes wrong.
We think if we could just say the right words, do the right things, be the type of man we think she wants, then our wives or partners, who are already feeling distant and frustrated, will start to like us again and come running back into our arms.
The hard truth is. They won’t. They shouldn’t. It’s not attractive.
You can’t fix a hole in your favorite t-shirt with a hammer and nail. You cannot fix heart stuff with head stuff, logic, or talking her around.
Sometimes you need to step back, let go, release your grip, and ask yourself some hard questions.
Who am I? What do I want? Where is my value? Where is my worth?
Let her go.
When you go inward. When you go to the source of your fears and realize they are only fears (unfounded beliefs), this is where you find healing. This is where you find freedom. This is where you find release. This is where you ‘find yourself’.
Release yourself from your self imposed prison of fear, and fall to a different place. Stop trying to fix it. It’s not until you do, that you can start to get some perspective, some of your own space, and see things a little differently.
Sometimes a different perspective is all it takes to shift your world.
Holding on so tightly to her, would likely suggest that you don’t feel like enough without her. In the words of John Candy from the movie Cool Runnings – “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without one, you’ll never be enough with one”.
Put in another way, “if you’re not enough outside of a relationship, you’ll never be enough inside of one”.
Let her go.
At first, it might feel like you can’t possibly do this. It might feel like you won’t survive. It might feel like everything you ever fought for and believed in has abandoned you. It’s counter-intuitive.
But you know what? You CAN do this. You WILL survive. You WILL heal and find a better way. I’m not saying get divorced and trash everything that matters to you.
What I am saying is, find your true value in your true self. Don’t just let her go for the sake of it, as another way of getting her back. Let her AND find yourself.
Step back. Re-evaluate. Work out what is important to you and how you want to show up in your life. Find out what works for you.
Take the pressure off her to be your rock. You are your rock. Work out what that means and how you practice being there for yourself, valuing your own sense of self, and living like a man who is proud of who he is.
When you can start to do that, you can really start to experience your world with fresh eyes, a clear mind, and a whole heart.
Let her go.
Let go of being tied to the outcome of your relationship. Holding on is tiring. True freedom is found in letting go.
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request a new password if needed).
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time (Friday calls only). This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
Photo credit: Shutterstock