We all have a mate for life. Is that helper always suitable for you or willing to help? Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Although that person made a vow to you that she/he would indeed love you back, but it is a kind of “kickback love” which can’t be called a love rather it is a business agreement.
When you were in love with that person you might be raw and naive and got excited to the idea that he/she showed some interest in you. How do you know when you start liking a person if he or she will become an enemy for life? There may be a case that your partner wants to possess and control you, with the time the situation becomes as such that makes you emotionally and physically weak.
When you return from work, a nag-fest is waiting for you behind your front door. You have thoughts to talk your feelings but in the back of your mind, you know that they won’t either listen carefully or not going to understand it completely. So it is all inside just burning hole, making you resentful. One more thing you also know that if you spend too much time together sooner or later a heated blame series is going to start. Your partner relentlessly pushes you away with aggressive tone of voice and posture. Day and night he taunts you with his sarcasm or ridicule. Sometimes they don’t speak at all.
The marriage is a system which depends on the smooth working of its parts that are its partners. No one is perfect. We should learn to have healthy disagreements. In that situation, we have a physiological response with less brainpower which puts ourselves in an adversarial position. Then whatever our partner says will be rejected.
1. Why are we fighting?
The first and foremost measure in the problem-solving method is to know the main cause of the arguments without it; you are not going to resolve anything. When there are different perspectives to do the things, an argument is bound to happen. In that heated moment, we say the same old hurtful remarks that cause resentment. Trace your very first argument; know the trigger reason for all the fights that has followed. Pinpoint the other fights. Were they arguing for with the same bend of mind?
Your unhappy personal history or childhood might have made you so reactive. This flashback will help you to understand your weaknesses. Now when you are calm, you can talk about your differences instead of proving yourself right and fighting for that, which will lead to resolving the matter in the end. The knowledge of each other’s background will make you change your tone and have a soft corner for your partner. A mechanism to resolve the matter will be available and it will save you from years of helplessness in your marriage
2. Effective Communications
Communication is the core of proper understanding otherwise things get out of hand quickly. Effective transmission of ideas and viewpoints even if they are different, are always listened upon by another party because we are concerned not only for our own preferences but for the healthiness of the relationship as well. Providing the back story with the future intent will make your information relay efficaciously to your partner who now will have healthy disagreements or corrections for your betterment.
3. Take Responsibility for your Health
Andrew and Sandy have five years of marriage with a few quibbles here and there. Thereafter Andrew fell ill frequently. These illnesses got Andrew frazzled about the life. He is now short-tempered. Sandy is bewildered at Andrew’s restlessness. With every passing moment, this leads her to doubt herself as a wife. In a long run, this results in their breakup. It is our responsibility to scrutinize our own behavior in relationships here and there. It is a kind of feedback mechanism. When odds are not in our favor, we put the blame of our failures onto our partner. As a social animal, we are in constant relationship with other human beings at every stage of life. According to the situation, we have to take care of our mental, physical and emotional aspects to cope with the various favorable or unfavorable situations that will eventually result in a healthy marital relationship.
4. Keep Calm and Evaluate Your Behavior
Look at this example:
Rosy had a hard day. She did not tell anyone about it. In the evening you came and start talking about all and sundry. It is natural for Rosy to get angry. So take a minute or two to access the situation back home, and then talk about daily routines or recent happenings. Thus, a potential argument transforms into an intimate conversation.
If you are dissatisfied with a particular behavior of your partner, you need introspection because you might be asking something which is not available. We get annoyed when things do not go in favor. Keep calm and think straight. The situation gets better of us and we demand from our partner to be more sympathetic. You get angry when this does not happen. Remember that she didn’t do anything wrong. You are in a constant duel with your inner self, but blaming outer resource for a defeat, if it happens.
5. Consider the Nature of Relationship Commitment
Anyone could have unsuccessful marriage but a good level of adaptation for some good and bad reasons can save their marriage. As we are bound by the traditions and fearful of the society, some of us are ready to suffer but hesitant to break up in the hope that everything will be fine. It includes molding oneself in a new human being who is elastic but tolerant like gold. Sacrifice is the base of an eternal relationship.
It depends on the level of commitment to care about your partner and the health of the relationship. In the traditional marriage, they vow to be together until the death. In the state of uncertainty, trust yourself, be your own counsel, learn from the previous mistakes and take the right decision.
6. Maintain Your Positive Energy
We live our lives based on both positive and negative expectations. Negativity robes you of the little moments of happiness because you are striving for a bigger one. Every morning we should claim a wonderful day by giving thanks or praise to others for their work. You will feel an energy flowing within. It is biblical to say that no weapon against you will prosper, but it is human to believe that people are out to take from you.
When you expect the worst from others including your partner, you are prepared for it and it will not hurt you so much, things are going to get better in real life. Your positivity must outweigh the negativity. Revisit your happy moments with your partner when some stress is peeping out. Focus on yourself, not on her or him, you will feel relieved. Don’t anticipate a conflict when you come home. Make some simple affirmations like when I go home, I will see my children and wife or we will have a good time together. It is right that your partner’s actions determine your feelings about him or her. But you should focus on what, you know, is correct. Your partner is your partner and nothing else. His or her joy is your joy.
7. Give the Benefit of the Doubt to the Partner
If we want to avoid strife, we should see the situation from the other party’s viewpoint. It will change the mechanism of the case. Give the benefit of the doubt to the partner.
Example: Once you came home late. Your wife says, “Why did you not call me that you will be late for dinner? Don’t search for excuses. She has the right to be informed because all the family members wait for you on dinner and you have to show your love for them by ringing early. You should apologize for not ringing on time and a kiss would do a lot of good.
One more thing to know is that whatever your partner says is not always personal. An impulsive reaction is quite unnecessary here. Imagine how you would have responded to your partner in this situation.
8. You are not Enemy or Competitor
When you approach your house, you are on guard because you feel that it is a battlefield. An unresolved anger takes the shape of resentment. You can pinpoint your views but the tone should be cooperative. So accept differences and make them opportunities. “The body of Christ has different parts that come together in unity”. The simple solution is to look in their eyes and say, “You are not my enemy”.
9. Show Some Love
“What is seen is sold” it is no doubt that you love your spouse very much, you may be introvert but have to show it now and then, not by jumping from a building or bringing him/her the moon. Just some little gestures, touches and gifts or it may be a picnic, a film a shopping time. Do some homework on what makes your partner feel good, get your spouse to do for you what you want.
10. Never Compare Your Spouse to another Spouse
All human, all situations in which they live are unique to them. They can’t be duplicated as exact. So never try to put a foot in other’s shoes if you intend to compare your partner with other’s partner for good or bad reasons. It may prove to be a fatal error. Turn off your face from all that make you feel depressed. Turn to your soul mate, tell him/her your feelings, grudges and whatever boiling inside, should be poured out completely. When you are hurt or have a burden they should know it as they are your better half. Your evil feelings will melt away and your soul will be pure.
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