Recently, I’ve been reading Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, in which she explores the importance of maintaining your individuality in your relationships. And in doing so, I came across the following line:
“The price of love doesn’t have to be personal obliteration.”
And, boy, do I wish someone had given me this advice when I was younger.
Because long before I began exploring my first relationship, I had already fallen deep into this trap. I wholeheartedly believed that to be in a relationship was to give up any sense of individuality.
Where did this idea come from?
To put it simply, this prevailing belief exists through sheer force of momentum. We grow up believing that a “couple” is a single unit — two souls become one in body and mind, yadda, yadda, yadda. And when no one questions an idea for long enough, we forget it can’t be questioned at all.
Once, when I was still newly married, I visited my family by myself. No big deal, right? Well, it was for my grandmother, who became convinced this meant my marriage had ended, and I was hiding it from her. The idea that a husband and wife would d have lives separate from each other was completely alien to her.
And it’s not just family. The media portrays being in a relationship as the ultimate goal in life. In TV, books, and movies, being single is something to be defeated. Anyone happy being without a partner is either misguided or portrayed as somehow weird. Even in real life, celebrity relationships are extolled as unifications of the individual, as exemplified by the ever-present portmanteau. Once they became a couple, there was no Brad or Angelina, but Brangelina. No Ben and Jennifer, but Bennifer. And the moment they are seen doing things apart, the tabloids are rife with stories about potential splits.
And this is not healthy. In fact, it’s downright toxic.
A story of three relationships
To illustrate my point, I want to tell you the story of my first three relationships.
Girlfriend Number One
It was my first relationship, and I was determined to be the best boyfriend it was possible to be. And this meant, of course, combining my life with hers. Because that’s what a real relationship entails, doesn’t it?
If I made plans, I made sure to invite her. If she couldn’t make it, I would change those plans. If she made plans, I assumed I would be invited as well. If she didn’t keep updated when things changed, I assumed something was wrong because why else would she not have told me?
In the end, of course, she dumped me. She was very nice about it, but ultimately she wasn’t looking to build the perfect nuclear family unit in her early twenties.
Girlfriend Number Two
By the time I got over my first relationship, I was finally beginning to discover who I was as an adult. I was going out, meeting people, and creating a sense of who I was.
And so, when I found myself dating someone new, I started to panic. I really liked this girl, but I thought committing to someone meant giving up my sense of identity again. I didn’t want to have to give up who I had become, but becoming part of a “couple” again meant I would have no choice.
And so I ended things. Rather than discussing boundaries about what I wanted at that point in my life, I ran away and never saw where that relationship might have gone.
Girlfriend Number Three
This was the girlfriend that lasted, eventually becoming my fiancée and then my wife. This time, it all worked. We liked all the same things and did everything together. We had the same friends, moved in together, and essentially lived out the ideal of “The Couple”.
But, over time, this began to feel cloying. And we realised we had been looking at it the wrong way. We thought we did everything together because we were in a relationship when, in fact, it was just a coincidence. We had the same friends and interests, and so just happened to always go to the same places.
And so we fell into the trap of thinking our relationship was strong simply because we had combined our lives, rather than working on the things that would actually have brought up closer together.
Now, these were the relationships I had in my early twenties when the only education I’d had gained from the media. So now, let us jump forward fifteen years to when I was a little older and wiser and after my wife and I had begun our journey into polyamory.
Girlfriend Number Four
Polyamory really brought home how combining your life with your partner was unnecessary for a healthy and satisfying relationship. Because with my life already well and truly bound together with someone already, there was no space left to do the same with someone new.
And yet, I found it didn’t hinder the relationship at all!
My new girlfriend and I began to learn about each other, do things together, and build a relationship without me needing to obliterate my sense of unique identity. I didn’t have to give any up in order to prove to her, or the world, that I loved her.
When we begin a new relationship, all we want is to be part of our partner’s life. And New Relationship Energy is one hell of a drug. But while I don’t want to discourage people from revelling in those wonderful feelings, we have to remember that at the same time, it’s vital to retain our individuality.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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