The real fight in life and love is with yourself. Against yourself. Your thoughts, your insecurities, your fears.
Why is it important to tackle your self-destructive tendencies and trauma?
They pop up at the most inconvenient moments. The time that you need your normal, strong, confident self, that’s the time the monster in the attic comes out to play and wreak havoc. The door bursts open, the hinges are now broken and it is very difficult to stuff that trauma back into the black hole.
Instead all this baggage that you’ve been ignoring is out, freely navigating through your brain, building on any new hurt, any new negative experiences you’ve had. It magnifies the hurt you have just experienced by 10-fold, prolonging the pain you’re experiencing.
Before it was just about someone hurting you, and you missed the person they used to be. Now the issue is a lot larger. It’s about you as a person. That the person hurt you because you deserved it, that you don’t actually deserve happiness. You don’t deserve love. Loyalty. Trust.
It’s so difficult to face trauma. To face the monsters we hide in the shade of our minds and our hearts. Parts of us that we don’t like to admit is there. The insecure, anguished, broken version of our souls that we carry everywhere, a ghost that touches our thoughts with pessimism and cynicism.
Going through a painful experience has taught me to face the trauma I have been dragging through life. I suppose lockdown was the perfect time for healing and reaching for a more wholesome view of contentment and happiness.
One that is more long term than the plaster we place on our wounds before we plaster a smile on our faces and enjoin in temporary ‘happiness’ for the benefit of someone else.
This is not a long term solution, and it is not something I wish to do anymore.
No more smiling for the benefit of people who wish to force us to fit the mould they have created for us.
No more being put on a shelf, to be kept prim and proper. Not when our skin is no longer polished and porcelain but covered in cracks from the ruminants of our trauma.
No more being kept in a bubble, when the daggers have already pierced deep into our souls.
2021 is a year of healing, of growth, of facing our self-destructive tendencies head on. It’s time for us to be a phoenix rising from the ashes.
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How to face our trauma:
Some trauma and the cause of our self-destructive tendencies are deep and hard to find. Something that can be done is to follow the thread of a thought until you find the root of an issue.
Example:
You’re hurt, but why is it affecting you so much?
Because you didn’t think you deserved love, and so when it went away, it validated that feeling of being undeserving of love.
Why did you feel like you didn’t deserve love?
Because your parents were never really vocal about how they felt about you. You didn’t feel their love so you never really knew what it was.
That’s why when this person showed you affection and attention, it was something you valued so much; it made you feel like you were deserving of love and they were your saving grace.
But that person went away. And they took their love with them. You were left bereft, and felt exactly like you did when you were a child, when you were vying for your parents’ love and attention.
How can we combat this issue?
Sometimes we have to realise we don’t have to gain the validation of our parents, even though it’s something we always want.
We don’t need someone to give us that love for us to feel confident in ourselves. We can be that person for ourselves.
We can acknowledge the negative feelings we have and work through them slowly, breaking bonds with people who add to the negativity we feel, and surround ourselves with positive people who we can speak to more holistically.
People who bring joy to our lives.
We can build ourselves up by working on making ourselves better, reaching our goals, taking the time to enjoy our hobbies and soon we’ll gain the feeling of belonging. That imposter syndrome will hopefully be gone.
Unfortunately, everything takes time. But we can use the time to work on ourselves, and one day you’ll wake up and realise your chest feels lighter, and the world looks a little brighter.
This feeling may not come tomorrow, or even a week from now, but it is definitely something that can be achieved.
Don’t be afraid to talk about the issues that arise, even ones from your childhood, because as humans, everything affects us and our mentality. You deserve to give yourself the opportunity to be the best version of yourself and not the broken version that tries so hard to work against the tide in order to be fully functioning.
Whether that means going to therapy, or starting an art class as a hobby to relax your mind and thoughts. Luckily in the UK, we have free counselling sessions available. If you’re at university, you can book a session with a counsellor or attend group therapy. If you’re working in a hospital, there are also counsellors available to help you with your mental health. Or you can ask your GP about counselling, and they can refer you and you can have phone sessions.
There are also several charities available that can speak to you about the issues you are having. The MeetUp app sometimes has circles of people who speak about their feelings, which may be something of interest, especially during lockdown as it is all online.
Remember:
- You are deserving of so much love
- You never need someone to recognise that and give you love for your confidence to grow
- You are perfect the way you are
- If someone doesn’t stay for the long-haul, it says more about the issues they have than the type of person you are
- Don’t lower your standards just because you want someone to help you forget the world and the trauma you’re carrying
- Having a healthy type of love is something that will last a life-time, that’s what you want
- Don’t waste your time on people who you know don’t meet your standards, just so you can have instant gratification
- Don’t waste the time of the person you’re meant to be with, because they deserve to meet you at your best, and not when you’re holding anguish from a previous flame.
- Believe in yourself, you were meant for more than what your heart is healing from
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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