“Happily ever after,” this was subconsciously planted in my mind from the moment I started watching movies. It never ended with persons unhappy or unsatisfied and so I grew up expecting real life relationships to be like this.
I thought I had found my happy ever after fairytale romance. Alas, it was indeed a fairytale as it didn’t last happily ever after.
The divorce was unexpected and a devastation, all in one. It was not that I went into it oblivious to the challenges of two different people coming together to find a life. It was really the cemented belief that we would eventually find the path to the happy ever after.
I recently reflected on this and how this happily ever after has led to so many unrealistic expectations from persons in relationships.
You may begin a relationship expecting your partner to make you happy all the time, after all we are both there to find our happy ever after and the partner is responsible for ensuring it!
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Whether you want to admit it or not, it is planted in the subconscious, and when your partner doesn’t do their role to fulfill the happy ever after expected of them. This can sometimes lead to anger, strife, resentment and a whole other range of emotions that can lead to the end of the relationship.
Now don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t want a happy ever after romance?
It leaves a feeling of well-being and belief in the inherent good of others to provide your needs. Yet in reality, it is a internalized belief developed by many through the media and other sources of influence. I am in no way criticizing media, after all who doesn’t love the excitement and anticipation of a movie and the desire to see it end with the suited partners finding and declaring their happily ever after!
Yet I have come to realize there is a separation between reality and fairytale.
The fairytale removes us from the reality of daily living, yet the fantasy can’t be sustained for long term relationships and this is one of the reasons I don’t want a fairytale romance.
Iwant to walk in, aware of what I am getting myself into. I want to see the challenges I would face and to determine, if I can cope with it, for the long term, that is, if both parties desire a long term relationship.
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I want to understand and know the person, and though knowing someone even for a lengthy period does nothing to prepare for the unexpected storms life throws on occasion. I do want to know if they are committed to partnering to find our way through the storm and make it back to land together.
A fairytale romance in no way offers a close resemblance to real life and it would be unfair to expect your partner to make you happy all the time.
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Here’s the part about fairytale romance that we miss. I missed it and didn’t get it for years!
No one, but you are responsible for your happiness.
Someone can contribute to your happiness, but ultimately we are responsible for our individual lives and finding our own path to happiness.
Have you ever seen an unhappy person?
After a while, they can lead to an entire state of unhappiness if that is sowed and injected through their interaction with others. So why not learn to find your own path and trust that in having a romance, your partner can help you along the path, but not have sole responsibility for your continuous happiness.
Giving up your happiness to be determined by others, can lead to you being on a rollercoaster ride with moments of happiness, dispersed by moments of unfulfillment as the person may on occasions pause to find their own path and cannot adequately attend to their well-being and yours in an equitable proportion.
When it is all said and done, no matter what, someone who continuously looks to someone else for making them happy will continuously be unhappy as no one can make someone else happy all the time.
Afairytale romance? Yes, love it in the books and movies, but when comes to real life and living. I want to take out the shades, immerse myself in daily living, get to know my partner and enjoy the love they can offer me and I can give to them.
It wouldn’t be a fairytale romance, but the opportunity to give and receive love is one of the greatest gift we can experience, if done with the other partner in mind. It can be one that adds value and meaning to life…albeit not perfectly or as in a fairytale.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash