There’s been a lot of awareness today around the negative effects of toxic masculinity. This growing awareness has a lot to do with activism linking toxic male behaviors to societal outcomes, such as one in three women in the U.S. will experience sexual assault and 78 percent of suicides are men. There are definitely a lot of intersecting issues creating these outcomes—racism, class, religion, homophobia, etc., but it’s getting harder these days to claim toxic masculinity isn’t one of the main factors, especially given behaviors like bypassing consent in sexual situations or refusing to seek help for depression.
Harris O’Malley on The Good Men Project defines toxic masculinity as:
“… a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which men are measured, while supposedly ‘feminine’ traits—which can range from emotional vulnerability to simply not being hypersexual—are the means by which your status as ‘man’ can be taken away.”
It’s unfortunate that the growing awareness of toxic masculinity has not extended to centuries-old oppressive systems of masculinity, often referred to as patriarchy. We all exist in patriarchal systems, regardless of whether we agree with them or are even aware of them, that automatically privilege men while oppressing women politically, socially, economically, culturally, physically—excluding them from the moral authority of a society. These systems are unconsciously internalized in both women and men, effecting a wide range of perceptions from female stereotypes to male entitlements.
This plays out in our society in numerous ways:
- Almost half of men believe the very-real pay gap, that pays women on average 81 cents for every dollar that a man makes for the same work, is a politically motivated invention
- Women pay a “pink tax” that charges them more for identical products like dry cleaning, personal care products, and vehicle maintenance, averaging an additional $1,351 more a year per woman
- The need for legislation like the Violence Against Women Act and for movements like #MeToo to not only protect victims of violence but to counter the culture of victim demonization, blaming, and disbelief
- Only seven out of every 1,000 rape cases will ever lead to a conviction. This is a direct result of a number of different patriarchal conditions from a culture that stigmatizes and blames women for being raped, to the cold, invasive rape kits that often never get used along due to a significant backlog, to the tendency of our justice systems to re-victimize rape victims, to the apathy of law enforcement when it comes to investigating rapes
For modern men who want to join the effort to dismantle patriarchal systems, here are some actions you can take to become a better advocate and avoid toxic, counterproductive behaviors.
De-center maleness
According to Wikipedia, “Androcentrism is the practice, conscious or otherwise, of placing a masculine point of view at the center of one’s world view, culture, and history, thereby culturally marginalizing femininity.”
In other words, part of patriarchy is putting male perspectives at the center of everything: From who we teach in our history classes, to who is accurately represented vs. stereotyped in media, to who gets the benefit of the doubt in sexual assault and discrimination cases, to what offensives are excused as “locker room talk,” to who gets what role in the family, to who gets paid the most for the same work, to which issues our government is debating, to which candidates are taken seriously on election night, and so on. A patriarchal society is slanted to benefit men over women.
The first step toward change is to attempt to de-center yourself, and men in general, from issues. Stop looking at the world only in how it relates to you.
For example:
- Support issues, policies, and efforts that don’t benefit you but help people lacking your privilege.
- Don’t make yourself into a victim when you feel left out of advocacy, cultural, or pride initiatives that aren’t directed at men.
- Believe people’s experiences even when it’s not your experience or what you were taught.
- Don’t get offended or overreact when you or other men are called out for harmful behaviors. This redirects the focus on you and away from the people suffering.
- Listen more and talk less.
- Don’t explain someone’s perspective or experience to them (mansplaining).
- Don’t ever try to convince someone that they didn’t really experience what they experienced (gaslighting).
- Don’t demand someone explain their perspective or experience to you. Google it first. It’s not the job of marginalized people to educate the privileged.
- Amplify, not co-opt or steal, other people’s voices and ideas.
- Don’t look at things in relationship to yourself or how you fit in or benefit. Things can have value even if they don’t have value to you.
Believe others—while holding space for multiple narratives
Many in the U.S. grow up in segregated worlds where we aren’t ever taught that our experiences aren’t the same as those of others. Just because others’ experiences are different from yours or they reacted to them differently than you would, doesn’t mean they aren’t valid and real. Having different experiences is never a green light to mansplain why people suffering aren’t really suffering.
One way to open yourself up beyond your segregated world is to hold enough space for multiple narratives. And simply believe what people different than you are telling you.
Try connecting those narratives with “and” not “but.” It seems trivial, but language does have power. “But” is often used to discredit anything we don’t agree with and “and” is often used to include multiple ideas and perspectives. For example, see if you can tell the difference between these two sentences:
Nancy says she has problems with police harassment, but I have never seen any harassment.
Nancy says she has problems with police harassment, and I have never seen any harassment.
The “but” sentence creates a sense of disbelief about what Nancy felt while the “and” sentence paints a real picture of two unequal worlds.
Remember, you don’t have to agree with everything 100 percent to respect multiple narratives. Instead of trying to argue whose experience is the most truthful, try just acknowledging there is more than one experience happening in this world, and everyone’s experiences, especially those of marginalized people —who often need the most help with promotion—are equally important. This is a great tip to take into relationships as well.
Become comfortable with discomfort
This country has a strong tendency to value making people with privilege comfortable over stopping injustices committed by people of privilege. Calling someone a racist is often seen as an offense worse than being racist. This is in large part due to the misunderstanding of oppression as a personal choice/judge of character rather than a system we all live in.
For example, many men who are called out for perpetuating sexism take it as a personal attack on their morality. They defend their record as a “good man” or get super-offended that anyone would even suggest such a thing—cough … Kavanaugh … cough.
In reality, most sexism, racism, homophobia, etc., is perpetrated by systems and unconscious internalizations that are supported, often unknowingly, by all people of privilege. Being “called out” for harmful behavior isn’t about shaming someone as a bad person but about holding a mirror to ways we perpetuate these systems and internalizations of oppression in the hopes of course-correcting future offensives.
Men may be aware of sexism and may oppose it when it’s obvious or “toxic,” but they often are not aware of the sexism they have internalized, which can have a significant impact when played out in patriarchal systems, such as in the context of reviewing job applicants, acknowledging claims of discrimination, deciding how much to charge for car repairs, or considering what type of language is offensive vs. accepted “locker room talk.”
I will end with a quote from @nowhitesaviors:
A true ally is just a person of privilege who decided that their comfort was not more important than my liberation.
Please check back on Wednesday, April 17, at 12:30 p.m. EST for part II.
***
What’s Next? Talk with others. Take action.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join below!
RSVP for Intersectionality Calls
—
Join the Conscious Intersectionality FACEBOOK GROUP here. Includes our new call series on Human Rights.
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request a new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops, and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
—
Shutterstock ID: 1068068816