New Year’s resolutions
It’s easy to come up with a list of changes and improvements for 2014–it’s gonna be here tomorrow! Instead, let’s all do some long-term planning and see what we want to change and improve about ourselves a decade from now. I’m going to be 48, so my resolutions will be:
1) Buy a new bootleg palm crystal so I can avoid being killed in Carousel for another year.
2) Make sure that everyone I know takes the celebration of the end of the terrible Kardashian War of 2019 seriously and not just as an excuse to go out and buy cheap fleepbots.
3) Buy a reasonably priced fleepbot and remember not to get suckered into getting the “warranty”.
4) Campaign for President Duane “The Rock” Johnson’s re-election. I don’t agree with him on all the issues, but he’s still a better choice than Kanye.
5) Finally go in and get my neural chip fixed so I stop hearing Fox News every time I go to the bathroom.
6) Be the change I want to see in the world.
7) Lose 40 lbs by getting Phil–the mutant who grew out of my stomach via the KW19 fallout–surgically separated from my body.
8) Be the best Best Man I can be at Phil’s wedding.
9) Keep the faith that I too will find love someday.
10) Finally get my 100,000 hit on the GMP!