Is our failure to take men’s issues seriously linked to our collective hatred of men’s bodies?
This week I’ve come to the conclusion that we hate men’s bodies.
It all started when I was invited to the UK Government’s Equalities Office to meet the women’s minister, Jo Swinson. I’d prefer to be meeting the Men’s Minister but there isn’t one, despite the many inequalities that men and boys face, the body of men in the UK is not deemed worthy of representation in equalities work.
The meeting was a round table event where eight experts were given an hour to kick around ideas about involving fathers as change agents in the Government’s Body Confidence campaign. It was a fascinating mix of people but something didn’t feel quite right. I was in the room, I was making a contribution, but I felt disconnected from the conversation.
At first I thought it was because the conversation was too peripheral; that Body Confidence isn’t a significant men’s issue when we have big problems like life expectancy, male suicide, crime and violence, fatherlessness and boys’ education to contend with.
Then I was asked to write an article about the rise of eating disorders in the UK which gave me a chance to spend some more time exploring the overlap between disordered eating, body image and gender. Again, it was intellectually stimulating but I wasn’t feeling it.
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And then the moment came. Jo Swinson hit the national headlines for telling parents not to praise their daughters for their looks. It was one of those transient media storms where journalists take the most gossip worthy aspect of what someone says and give it a good thrashing for public amusement.
Rather than join in this spectacle, I decided to have a peak behind the scenes and discovered that the Government had released a 14-page report highlighting the successes of its Body Confidence campaign and outlining the actions it will be taking next.
Men and boys suffering is brutally dismissed by those who govern the world
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And so, as I have done so many times before, I opened the document and set my search engines to gender—and then I felt a familiar feeling. It’s a combination of anger, passion and deep, deep pain I feel for the body of men and boys around the globe whose suffering and struggling is brutally dismissed and denied by those who govern the world on a daily basis.
Do you know that today, just like every other day, that an estimated 7,400 men and boys will die an avoidable death through some bodily injury? That’s 300 men and boys every hour of every day whose lives are taken from them not by disease or old age, but by their bodies being fatally damaged through war, through violence, through deliberate self harm and tragic accidents.
This happens to men and boys at twice the rate as women and girls and when it comes to violence, we are four to five times more likely to die from someone intentionally attacking and fatally damaging our bodies.
Men and boys all over the world account for eight out of ten violent deaths and yet there is no global movement to end violence against men and boys. Do we hate men’s bodies so much that these individual men whose bodies are destroyed on a daily basis are not worthy of our concern?
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When humans undergo extreme trauma a common coping mechanism is body disassociation, where the act of mentally detaching from the body enables an individual to survive the overwhelming distress of the event.
Modern nations survive by putting men’s bodies at risk
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Modern nations survive today by putting men’s bodies at risk. We are the soldiers who fight the enemy; we are the workers who put our lives in danger; we are the good men who protect you from the bad men.
From the little guy who scares away a burglar to the big guy who defends or captures Baghdad, we still expect men to be heroes and die in the process. Men are either the perpetrators or the protectors and so the manly ideal remains an image of strong, stoical, muscular success; so much so that one British survey recently found that four out of five men wishes that they were more muscular.
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Do men hate their bodies the way they are because secretly, we all hate men’s bodies? Do we hate the ugly, dangerous body of a potential perpetrator just as much as we hate the weak or flabby body of a man who isn’t muscular enough to protect us from that perpetrator?
Is our coping mechanism for being complicit in this game to collectively disassociate ourselves from men’s bodies.
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I don’t have the answers to these questions and I invite you to open your mind and consider the possibility. It’s clear to me that we are collectively more tolerant of the damage that is done to men’s bodies. We are more tolerant of violence against men than violence against women. We tolerate the fact that the overwhelming majority of people who die at work are men. We tolerate the fact that the majority of humans who kill themselves, because they hate their lives too much to live, are men.
Is our coping mechanism for being complicit in this game to collectively disassociate ourselves from men’s bodies and deny and dismiss the emotional and physical pain that men and boys suffer?
The UK’s Government Equalities Office is clearly complicit in this disassociation from the body of men and perpetuates the stereotype that men are either perpetrators or protectors, a risk or a resource. If your worldview is that women have problems and men are problems there is no space to consider the physical, emotional and social problems that men and boys experience. This is why when 84% of recession suicides are men; when 97% of workplace deaths are men; when 90% of rough sleepers are men; when the majority of violence victims are men; when boys are underperforming girls at every stage of education; when the only children dying in the UK from genital mutilation are boys and when the majority of people dying prematurely are men, the Government Equalities Office has nothing to say on the matter.
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The contradictory message that the UK’s women’s minister and others send to men is “Patriarchy is bad, now be a good patriarch”.
The only role men and boys are asked to play is to be good patriarchs
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The only role we are asked to play in discussing violence and abuse, for example, is to be good patriarchs and condemn the violence that other bad patriarchs commit against women and children. We’re not asked to speak out against the bigger problem of violence against men and boys bodies and certainly not asked to discuss the violence and abuse we personally experience at the hands of women.
And the UK Government’s Body Confidence campaign follows this same old familiar sexist pattern. In its 14-page summary of all the great work it has been doing there is no mention of the body problems that men and boys experience – because its women who have problems and men who are the problems.
The only role the Government wants us to play is to be good patriarchal change agents for our daughters’ body confidence (not our sons’ note). How on earth we are supposed to be body confidence role models for girls when we are so inexperienced at considering our own embodied experience as men is a mystery to me.
Men can’t play a role in helping women with the problems they experience as women until we give men the space to learn how to deal with the problems we face as men. That will require us to begin connecting our hearts and minds to the body of men and boys around the world; to feel the pain and suffering in male suicide, in violence against men and boys in the suffocating social pressure to live up to the ideal of being a strong, successful man.
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Sitting in a boardroom with the women’s minister being asked how to help dads be good patriarchs who transmit Government approved messages to their daughters was a strangely disembodying experience. As a man I want to be of service to my family, to my country, to the world and I can do that best when people ask me how I could serve, rather than telling me how I should serve.
Men can’t play a role in helping women until we give men the space to deal with the problems we face as men
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I think the most important message I can pass on to my daughter is to be the women that she wants to be, not the women that others think she should be. The best way for me to do that is through the practice of being the man that I want to be, not the man that anyone else thinks I should be, least of all a politician with a one-sided gender agenda.
I am grateful that Jo Swinson gave me the opportunity to glimpse inside the body of the Government Equalities Office to see how it works, It’s a cheeky thing to ask, but I hope you’ll open your heart Jo and consider the benefits of being more loving towards the body of men and boys—if that’s the kind of woman you want to be.
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—Photo credit: Flicker/e-basak
Further reading:
How do we improve the body image of our boys and girls?
Men have body image issues too
The male body: repulsive or beautiful?
UK Body Confidence campaign progress report
If GMP is going to have international men’s movement articles I’m glad Glen Poole is writing them. Excellent article.
Shel Silversteins poem “The Winner” always pops in my mind when I think of the toil that being a man can take on the human body:
http://www.lyricsmania.com/the_winner_lyrics_shel_silverstein.html
Or sung by Kris Kristofferson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyTcYacSo7g
Look, the way I see it, this is directly tied into the whole ‘Male Disposability’ issue. You could say that I’ve had a ‘Disconnect’ with my body my whole life. I just sort of threw it out there and did what had to be done. Now I hate my body because it’s a constant source of pain. Drugs, liquor only take the edge off. Nothing makes it (pain) go away, even for a little while. When my son was playing sports and would complain to me about pains from potential injuries, my first instinct was to tell him to ‘Suck… Read more »
Under the Affordable Care Act there are seven committees designated to advise the benefits panel on women’s health issues. There are zero representatives for men’s health issues. As happened in education, whoever has the advocates gets the attention.
The only time this disparity will be addressed is if men start dying early enough and in sufficient numbers to impact the tax base upon which women’s benefits are funded. From a government benefits perspective we are expendable third class citizens, as mentioned above.
What do you think the recent upr0ar over SS disability ins. was about, all those lazy sick men need to die or go back to work…….no matter if it was a paid for insurance policy of the last resort.
“As a man I want to be of service to my family, to my country, to the world and I can do that best when people ask me how I could serve, rather than telling me how I should serve.”
Now that deserves to be on a plaque, Glen Poole!
OK, here’s something else to ‘chew on’. Most of us at one time or another have gone to the wake of some poor guy who died young. Maybe he left a wife and children behind. Now , at those sad events that I’ve attended, most of the spoken sympathy goes something like “Poor (Fill in the name) and the kids, I hope they’re able to get along”. And while the Wife and Children certainly do deserve empathy and compassion, Only later, if there’s any ‘left over’ is any directed toward the ‘Guest of Honor’
At my Dad’s funeral when I was 13, that was surely true. But to add insult to injury, I had a few people, including a Nun tell me that at least it wasn’t your Mom.. Which was “great” to hear as I’d just lost the better half of my parents. Somehow by dying young he was judged to have failed as a man
trey1963, just remember one thing that has kept me going all these years “There’s no dishonor if you die trying.”
My grandmother died 11 months before my grandfather. I saw the reverse in that case. I think the sympathy for those left behind is always greater. If the person died young, sure it’s a tragedy, but the sympathy will be directed at those who can feel it. A friend of mine had his younger sister die in that same year. She was only about 25, and someone I had grown up around in high school. My sympathy was more with him and her family than with her. It was sad that she went so young, but she is gone and… Read more »
It’s been my observation and experience in my lifetime that a heterosexual mans role is to please others first. Whether it be a girlfriend, wife , children, even Mom (I’m nearly 60 years old and Mom has no problem calling me up and expecting me to go up on her roof and make some repairs). I mean think about this seaneraio, your child wants a new X box, the wife wants a new Prada bag, and you go out instead and buy some new fishing gear say instead. Most people are going to see you as a ‘selfish bastard’ for… Read more »
I experience cognitive, emotional, psychological and spiritual dissonance each and every time I sit down at a government policy table. The cruelty that is disseminated by those remote from real people is not to be dismissed Glen, the trickle down of that cruelty, in policies and practice, which are perpetuated by the state funded behemoths such as the Fatherhood Insitute, is not to be underestimated. Power corrupts and absolute power removes humanity from interactions between the state and the people it serves. We cannot go looking for compassionate answers in the state machinery. I have vowed never to go there… Read more »
I understand why you came to that conclusion Karen – my ideal is that we have advocates for men and boys at work influencing every aspect of society – that is what a movement makes possible – in the absence of that we currently have a small sector comprising a disparate collection of individuals and organisations who will either get worn down by the system or become part or if —- a strong movement will influence the system at every level and it will come when enough people take enough action over enough time – it is possible as long… Read more »
I would argue the primary factor is inherent value. A woman has inherent value in being able to bear children. While a man has little or no inherent value past being cannon fodder and must prove his value to be considered worth consideration.
Interesting point
So do we collectively put less inherent value on men’s bodies—particularly those that are not up to the warrior standard?
And if we collectively put less inherent value on men’s bodies is that in some way connected to our greater tolerance of violence against men and boys, male suicide, men’s poorer health outcomes etc
In terms of men’s health for example, it seems to me that if we don’t collectively value men’s bodies then is it any wonder that individual men (on average) seem to take less care of their bodies than women?
Hi Glen Pool You live in a capitalist society. Do you think the 1% gives a dam about men and women’s bodies? Or animals bodies, the cows,pigs,sheep,chicken or the animals in the fur industry ? They suffer like hell. Do you see any sign of respect for nature and a collective effort to stop the climate change ? Nature,animals, men and women are exploited. But do you say we all go around hating each other? If we all hate men’s bodies then we must all be seriously emotionally disturbed. Emotionally healthy men don’t feel hated by everybody else. Sorry Glen,but… Read more »
Some info on boys and self-harm here:
http://helpingmenblog.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/think-about-boys-on-self-injury.html
Best
Glen
Glen
Thank you!
And thank you fighting . I will educate myself more about this.
I do think because we live in a society run by heterosexual men, we REALLY do have an issue with men’s bodies. Personally, I love, celebrate and adore the male body, there are a lot of female artists who’s work shows adoration for the male body
“I do think because we live in a society run by heterosexual men, we REALLY do have an issue with men’s bodies. ”
the society is maybe run by heterosexual people….not just H.men.
“Personally, I love, celebrate and adore the male body, there are a lot of female artists who’s work shows adoration for the male body”
good 🙂 but female artist’s are not the only one working with the male body.
Is this only skin deep though? Do they love the mind, the organs, and everything that is in harms way for violence for instance? I love women’s bodies, men’s, want everyone’s body to be safe n free from violence n danger (where possible). Bodies are far more than skin + hair + eyes + boobs + chest + penis + vulva + ass, etc.
So the problems come from the heterosexual men. Heterosexual women have nothing to do with it right?
@Madeira – which artists are you thinking of? Would be curious to know.
Men can’t play a role in helping women until we give men the space to deal with the problems we face as men I’m done with the idea that men must be ‘given’ space because its pretty clear that if left up to others it won’t happen or at best we’ll be ‘given’ space where all we can talk about is how as men we need to improve ourselves for the sake of women (but never for, you know, for our own sake). You can see it in the twitter and facebook chat of this very post. There are still… Read more »
It is MEN who put these standards on each other! It is not something that women have done TO men. This article is aiming at a very solid point, but it misses it entirely. Yes, men, please, stop trying to prove your manliness. PLEASE. But, yeah, the pity party here seems a little ridiculous. I speak out for my son and my daughter on these issues but I stand up for MYSELF when I am being saddled with ridiculous and sexist expectations. It seems to me that most men are afraid to stand up for themselves and their own bodies… Read more »
It is MEN who put these standards on each other! It is not something that women have done TO men. Actually I can tell you that that is not true. At least in my own experience when I go against gender norms its nearly always been women that had the problems with my actions, women who tried to “correct” men, and women who didn’t like it when I stood my ground on it. It seems to me that most men are afraid to stand up for themselves and their own bodies and that is something they need to work on… Read more »
Good point Danny. I remember when I was a boy, if I hurt myself and started to cry, my Mother would openly chastise me with “Stop that, big boys don’t cry!”. My father on the other hand would take me, hold me close, and wisper to me “Don’t let them see you cry.”.
I agree that some men do put pressure on themselves and other men to be manly and masculine in a certain way, it is ultimately women we are trying to impress. I am heterosexual, but have never been traditionally masculine; I’m not into sports (much more into the arts) and I have tended to have more female than male friends in the past. The first person to call me “gay” derisively was a female. And I can’t count the number of times I’ve been told I’m a certain way (which I’m not) by a female because “all guys are like… Read more »
Hi Matthew Then what can women do to change this? I have no ideas about how to cope with this. Please tell us how. This list show you my stupid thoughts about this. And this is not what men wants is it? *White men will not use sunblock …..women must then start to desire pale men. *Men will not eat greens as part of their daily diet ……women must fall in love with vegetarians… *Men will not test for STD……..women can forget about sex or choose virgins( great!) *Men want meat for dinner every day……women must fall in love with… Read more »
” It is MEN who put these standards on each other! It is not something that women have done TO men. ”
Im sorry, but women do also this to men. I dont know where the meme of female innocence comes from. Women are just responsible for the thing done to men (and women) as males are. Like it or not, women are part of the society, and they are just as involved as anybody else. This its a collective thing, its society who does things to us. Not a single gender or a individual, but everybody. Yes included women.
“It is MEN who put these standards on each other! It is not something that women have done TO men. This article is aiming at a very solid point, but it misses it entirely. ” Great way to dismiss his point and act like women have no responsibility for instilling gender roles. I take it you don’t understand the world much right? Women have a HUGE part in raising young boys into their gender role, or do you think it’s men that always buy pink for girls, blue for boys, show them gender-role heavy material such as the disney stuff,… Read more »
very good points archy
IMHO, everything in society has a hierarchy , WOMEN are first, children are second, men are a distant third. That is the way of modern society. You have to look no further than the depiction of child abuse , human trafficking, health care spending, education spending. Take child abuse, every single study bar none shows that women commit the most child abuse yet you rarely if ever see Child abuse PAs show women as abusers. Even though sex abuse is approx 10% of all child abuse, it is given the highest priority , why is that, perhaps because it is… Read more »
I hope you sent a formal written complaint !
That is a terrible experience that could have cost you your life.
We have to end this culture about men stoicism and tolerance of pain and suffering.
I don’t know how.
As long as parents raise their sons to tough enough to be soldiers,this will go on.
And I hope all male circumcision will soon be illegal. Soon.
As by the time my cardiac issue was treated, I was past to point were surgery was an option… it kind of did cost me my life….the one I’d planned for. Not a heck of a lot of fun having the chief of cardiac surgery Explain why he won’t touch you……and that if your lucky 4-8 years is his best guess. I’ve been extremely lucky to be 20+ years past that day, but daily angina and drug side effects really do suck.
I think it’s interesting the way Europeans view circumcision. In Australia most men over 45 are circumcised. As for the rest I’d estimate 25 percent have had it done, and that’s including Muslims and Jews. From what I hear most American men have had the procedure. But it’s interesting talking to my European friends about it, like the child has suffered a loss or injustice. Or as my French friend put it ‘Zey cut my dick!’ but ask my brother and he just shrugs and says ‘Yeah I’m the only one of my friends but, whatever. I don’t get more… Read more »
I can’t speak for others but to me its not all circumcision but circumcision that is done on under aged boys when it has no medical necessity. And I say medial necessity because there is a difference between, “He’s had a lot of infections.” or “His foreskin did not develop properly”. and “This MIGHT help reduce the risk of STIs/STDs 20 years down the road.
And of course if a grown man wants to have his foreskin cut then more power to him. At least he is a consenting adult that is exercising “his body, his choice”.
Hi Lyla Nice to meet you 🙂 1: In your work, can’t you ask men to use a condom ? 2: We have enough data,doctors evidence that tells us that circumcised men have less sexual pleasure because they have lost large part of the MOST sensitive part of their penis,and the skin on their penis head also become less sensitive . You can read about this online if you search for more info. I am not at explains it. I think this is injustice done to men. A sexologist in my country said:” Europeans are fare to fond of sex… Read more »
Lyla
If you read German:
Here is a Jews doctor arguing why Jews must stop circumcision
m.faz.net/aktuell/politik/inland/beschneidungsdebatte-unsere-seltsame%20-tradition-11827726.html
David Reimer was a case of “medical necessity”. A rare case, but still highlights some of the issues: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Reimer It comes down to personal autonomy. Sure guys who had it done when they were young shrug and don’t care (including myself). They’ve also never known anything different. If you ask guys who weren’t cut, their reaction would be the same. However, ask the guys who still have their skin if they would like to have it removed, now that they are of an age to make the choice themselves, and they aren’t rushing to have it done if it is… Read more »
Oh, and the only answer I can recall getting out of my parents, was my mother saying it made it look cuter. So it wasn’t about medical issues or hygiene. You can dig into that from the angle of even my own mother didn’t find my boy body attractive, without modification, if you wish.
Great article!
YES! *punches air*
And it certainly isn’t limited to her, or the UK.
Love that comment – I punched the air when i read it – thanks!
Hi Glen Pool You bring up important issues,but….. You are a body Glen. I am a body. When you say or feel your society hate men’s bodied you say it hates men. Do you really mean that? That we all hate men? I have never been to the UK so can not argue against you about what happens in your part of the world. But why do you think persons in UK hate men? And how can I as a women get my man to visit his doctor if he is not interested ? I do understand that doctors and… Read more »
“And how can I as a women get my man to visit his doctor if he is not interested ?” Culturally end the requirement that a man handle pain stoically, or lose his place as a man. Been there done that, At age 30, 2 days after I’d shifted by hand 20,000lbs of 24 foot aluminum extrusions I was in CCU. had cardiac cath report showing 3 arteries 90%,100% and 90% blocked. I’d gone earlier to Hospital about chest pain and the “nice” nurse said I was too young and too healthy looking to have a real heart problem…..So stop… Read more »
That nurse had no business being a nurse, plain and simple. Any medical professional should know from experience that just because somebody looks “too young and too healthy” it doesn’t mean that they are actually healthy. FWIW, I agree with this article. Society does violence to both men and women, but somewhere along the way, people seem to have forgotten that men (and certainly male children) have gender-specific vulnerabilities. I hope that some day we get to the point where we can develop more inclusive policies. But, to get to that point, folks need to take action. And I honestly… Read more »
Society does violence to both men and women, but somewhere along the way, people seem to have forgotten that men (and certainly male children) have gender-specific vulnerabilities Agreed. It has gotten to the point where people are now just realizing that yes there is a gender element to abuse and violence against males because frankly the discourse is so tilted towards female victims. Usually the way it goes is when talking about female victims gender MUST be a part of the conversation because there must be some gendered reason for the abuse/violence but when talking about male victims gender is… Read more »
This is it, people. The problem is less with men but the services with which they interact. It takes the form of things like this: “Sorry the surgery closes at 5pm”. “Nice to see you’re babysitting tonight, eh, give mum a bit of a break?” “Can’t have men here, they’ll turn violent”. “Men are determined to be victims” (thanks Eva Cox for that last one). The basic message is “we can’t have anything for men because they [aren’t interested/are violent/don’t care/beat their wives/generally deserve it]. in Australia, the second country in the world to launch a Male Health Policy, the… Read more »
Iben, It is worse than the government hating men’s bodies. They just don’t care about men’s bodies. And because they just don’t care, the problem remains under the radar. Problem is that men also have been programmed by society to not care about their bodies. Every society which has succeeded has done so by making men disposable in work and in war – biologically we are still the same although the world has, at least for the moment, moved on. Women do not hate men’s bodies but feminists appear to. Men and women need to wake up to the harm… Read more »
Hatred? Indifference? An absence of love? Let’s not argue over subjective labels but stop and consider for one moment any one of the key objective points – for example – more than eight out of ten humans who will die a violent death today will be men and boys — we have global campaigns against violence against women and girls, but no global campaigns to end violence against men and boys Is a deep, collective, unconscious hatred of men’s bodies enable us to tolerate the huge harm done to men’s bodies — by men AND women, starting with the mothers… Read more »
Glen
When you write:
“a deep, collective, unconscious hatred of men’s bodies”
Then I understand more what you mean.
Thank you for clarifying.
Thanks Iben