Jordan Kozey outlines 5 scenarios in which cutting ties with your parents is the best course for everyone.
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I want to emphatically state that breaking up with your parents, also known as detaching physically, mentally, and emotionally from the people who made your bodily life possible (or raised you), is a terrible endeavour. One only hopes(at least) for a set of familiar older bodies who know you and validate you as your shadow and light unfold well into your adult years. Not having that in your life is dreadful.
I also want to affirm that in the infinite expansion of each individual life on the planet, not all parent-child relationships are going to be healthy and validating. Call it ill fate, or shit luck, but poisonous environments and their legions are not above choosing parents or siblings to set siege upon.
Life is irrevocably about living one’s full potential, and sometimes that means parting ways with acrimony and toxicity, even when all the “shoulds” you’ve ever been given on what relationships are “supposed to be” say otherwise. Simply put, venom is venom and should be avoided despite its outward appearance or the input of others.
Note: Breakups with parents can be permanent, but they do not have to be permanent, and they can also involve contact but in varying degrees. There is no right way to break up with a parent, and each situation is different.
Here are five scenarios where splitting off from your acorn tree, and rolling far, far, and perhaps farther down the hill, may prove beneficial for all.
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1. You shrink in their presence.
You hesitate to tell them all the really exciting things in your life (even though you want to), because it is not met with the same praise as in the company of friends or colleagues.
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You’re all grown up and you’re on your way. Perhaps your parents have gone through their own transformations, and may have responded in ways that are helpful and encouraging. Yet in their very presence your heart and spirit shrink a size. You hesitate to tell them all the really exciting things in your life (even though you want to), because it is not met with the same praise as in the company of friends or colleagues. You may find their shortcomings or defects hard to digest. Being with them for more than a couple hours leaves you tired, confused, and disoriented. Especially if dissociation occurs, and even looking in their eyes brings deep but subtle drums of panic, you may want to consider a break up plan. These are most likely moments when you are spreading your wings and taking flight into your own path. It’s not about them being “bad” per se, but about you maximally thriving. Respect your wing space—make a break.
2. Conversations involve substances not substance.
If you have a parent who is a heavy drinker, narcotic user, or even a chain smoker, there is a good chance they will have difficulty seeing you for who you really are. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but use of substances is a good sign that your parent is hiding from some serious pain. If you try to bring your pain to them, which is a beautiful and enlivening thing to do in healthy situations, the addicted parent will most likely avoid the pain they see in you, beat themselves up for seeing you in pain, or invalidate you outright in an attempt to ward off any distress. After all, they’ve invested so much in their sedation that breaking it would be intense.
If your parent was an addict while growing up, but has since recovered, you may still suffer from the first reason (above) and it may be wise to break up as much as you need in order to feel safe in the world again. You’ve probably invested a lot in finding out what that safety means and how that works for you—keep it up.
3. Your parent(s) wants to spend more time with you than their spouse.
When you have a parent who has or does live their emotional life through you, the apron strings must be severed.
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If you haven’t read up on what it means to be a people pleaser, or to be in a codependent/narcissistic relationship, and you are reading this article, then it is time to do so. If your parent depends on you for emotional support, in any way gets upset when you put your immediate family or personal needs ahead of theirs, threatens to get worse if you are not around, or blames your other parent (behind their back) for all their problems, to you, then it is reasonable to say you may have a narcissistic or codependent parent. I knew someone once whose mother actually gave them a ring that looked like an engagement ring. Do not let your parents marry you. When you have a parent who has or does live their emotional life through you, the apron strings must be severed.
4. They are, in any way, abusive.
If you’ve ever been beaten by a parent, molested, berated through the use of manipulative and violent words, or been used as a cerebral punching bag, you may always suffer from #1 above. This is a difficult scenario to make a recovery from if this parent is always in your life. Cutting ties with murky water, as far as I know, has never been an unhealthy endeavour, so long as there are fresh fountains coming from elsewhere. Abuse is the clearest exit sign we can find in the world of relating.
5. They are unable to see the impact of their words or actions, even though you’ve thoroughly, or even tearfully explained it to them.
“How could that upset you?”
“No I saw you, you weren’t sad, you were angry.”
“Yeah well if you would see it from my way you’d understand.”
“You’re scary/strange/messed up etc.”
If you try to explain to a parent how their actions and words hurt you, and they cannot, for whatever reason, see where you are coming from, then distance is necessary.
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Imagine yourself expressing a vulnerable state just before you hear any of the above statements from a parent. They may have recently just co-signed a loan on your first house, helped you get that car, or drove several miles to help you out with your newborn, and yet … this is what you experience. This is a tough place to be in. If you try to explain to a parent how their actions and words hurt you, and they cannot, for whatever reason, see where you are coming from, then distance is necessary. If you grew up in this environment, chances are you may have found/find yourself in an abusive relationship (see my previous article for how men experience abuse). Your parent may then focus more on what they have already done for you, rather than realize their impact despite their intention. They remain blind to the rupture in the relational fabric, despite its staring them in the face. If this dynamic continues, you may find your resentment levels piqued, and an odd sense that you are not quite right at your core. This is the stuff that destroys dreams. You deserve better.
Sometimes, breaking away from toxicity heals the toxic source.
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If you are considering breaking up with a parent, struggling with any of these issues above, or are a parent who has had a child break up with you and want to find repair, I would be happy to consult with you on your road back to personal and relational health. My email address is [email protected].
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This post is republished on Medium.
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My mother was a borderline personality child of alcoholics. Rather than confronting her troubled youth she went headstrong into her new fresh life by marrying my father at a very young age and trying for children of her own, several miscarriages later( that I heard about in detail at the ripe age of 7) they got me, the “martyr” as she liked to call me. Her codependency was textbook and finally once I turned 40 I had no other choice but to “divorce” her. It was a grueling process but the toxicity was ceaseless and throughout my life I tried… Read more »
I really liked this article. I just turned eighteen and have lived with a physically and emotionally abusive stepmother for the last thirteen years after my real mom died of cancer. Now, I really want to break up with her and my father. The problem is, I have an underage sister and I don’t want to leave her alone in this situation. Another problem is that my stepmother knows where I work and has threatened me multiple times that she would go there and kill my reputation if I wouldn’t do what she wanted. I’m unsure what to do but… Read more »
HI; I found this article by accident, or not :). I need to break up with my Mother and Step Father or reasons 1 thru 5. I am 50 years old and until about 6 months ago did not remember much of my childhood…I am getting bits and pieces now and it isn’t good. Now at 50 I am seeing the impact that these people have had on my thinking processes, my self esteem and my sense of safety. I recently left an abusive relationship (go figure) and I think I also need to leave the original abusive relationship behind.… Read more »
Dear Kelly,
Incredible how all this piles up throughout our lives until we make the “big decision” to leave it all behind. I’ve rarely seen it go wrong, yet it is always hard to do.
This is a great read. I broke up with my toxic parent 8 years ago and he keeps trying to come back into my life claiming he dosen’t understand why I don’t want to talk to him. He’s stalked me online, sent letters, and even gets new phone numbers to get around my caller ID. Last time we spoke it was because he found my work number and I told him, “You are an A$$hole and a jerk and this conversation is over.” My issue is now he is in ill health and I would feel bad if that was… Read more »
Sounds like a razors edge situation, where self care and possible contact are both required. Good luck Fry.
This hit so close to home – #5 specifically. My mother met a man and within a month had moved him into her home and broke commitments she had made to me to help with my children so I could work (a few week after I gave birth to my 2nd child). She prioritized this new man above everyone and everything else. I’ve told her so many times how much this hurt me and she can’t understand why. To her I am being selfish. This has been going on for almost a year and now I’m just plain angry that… Read more »
I feel that I can relate to a lot of this from problems growing up and that I just like right now need to do it for me. I am very nervous though because I feel that if i break with my parents that I will get more guilt put on from my parents and that my mom is sick right now. I really don’t know what to do and I feel like this is all just building up and I need your help.
Hi Alexis,
Please email me to chat. This can be a very sticky situation.
Hi Jordan! I can pretty much agree with all of the statesments, especially when it comes to my mother. Though she is not abusing alcohol or drugs – but sugar. (a drug in itself) And I really really want to break with them. But know just considering it fills me with so much guilt, I can hardly handle it! My mother is quit sick – and states from time to time that she is soon going to die and that I should come and visit her more often before she does so! it doesnt matter what I say, I am… Read more »
Hi Elizabeth,
Send me an email and we can talk further.
I broke up with mine for reasons #1, #2, and #5. I’m interested that you link #5 with later abusive relationships- I have been in a few, of varying severity. After a divorce, and lots of good therapy and yoga (I see you are a yogi 🙂 ),I know I am better off, but I have so much sadness about it. I feel very alone. It’s a gap that won’t ever be filled, and I’m having a hard time being at ease with it. I also feel sadness for them- that they won’t ever get better. That makes me feel… Read more »
Number one hit it right on the head for me. My family is planning a move that will be beneficial to us in so many ways, and my parents are not supportive at all. We are about to close on a house, and I’m not even sure I want to tell them. My challenge is that as a mother of two small children, I do rely on the support of my parents from time to time. Plus, I could not in good conscious sever their relationship with their grandchildren.
Hi Gall,
Glad you spoke up here about the complications that arise when our parents and our children have a bond when difficult dynamics are in place with the former. It may be that a temporary space can ease your reliance on them, and allow them space to find a new way to approach you.
Thanks for clarifying G. All these subtle dynamics lead us toward our decisions. Hoping your sense of isolation has deteriorated since distancing yourself. Wishing you peace.
Jordan, my point was that even though my brothers had many terrible arguments with my parents, my parents continue to love them when you think they would love them less. I hardly argue with my parents because they did not want to hear from me and thought I was a good boy because of it. and then they wonder why I don’t bother to call them. I suspect that my parents realizes that my brother were strong will individuals who would not hesitate to speak their minds and damn the consequences even if it meant that they would have been… Read more »
Hey G,
The pain of seeing a parent treat another child with more love or attention is pure poison to our healthy image of ourselves. No one can invalidate to the extent a parent can. I’m truly sorry you have to go through this, and I’ll have to check out your movie reference sometime. Sounds like “crazy making” to me. I hope you can find a way to surround yourself with people who put this kind of treatment to shame, and give you the love you deserve.
I agreed with you on #1, #4, and #5. The last time I saw my parents they were having a great time talking to my brothers even though they got into many arguments with them when they were kids and I could hardly argue with my parents because I was shut down too many times verbally. by them At that moment, I feel totally isolated like Col. Basil Barrow was in the movie Tunes of Glory where he was at the end of the mess table and almost all the officers were at the end of the other table laughing… Read more »