James Michael Sama asks us to set an example for the younger generations.
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The recent conversation we had this week on this website about Santa Barbara killer Elliot Rodger opened my eyes to some issues that I probably should have thought about more before this.
One of the biggest issues is that it is almost taboo for a man to speak out for equality or stand with women against violence or abuse. Many of you probably have seen the #YesAllWomen hashtag on Twitter, which is being used for women to express their experiences with harassment in many different forms. Some men chimed in with their surprise at just how many women have been abused or mistreated…by other men.
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Running a website like this, I have gotten an extraordinary amount of feedback because I am a man. A man writing articles on how he believes men should act in life and in relationships will be seen much differently than a woman who writes the same exact article. I could have published many of the same things under a female name and I would’ve been seen as a “feminazi” or “just another woman tired of how men act.”
Why? Why is this? Because our society has perpetuated the dismissal of women who challenge men to be better, partly because men don’t stand with them when it comes to “women’s issues.” Here’s a reality check: There would be no “women’s issues” like sexual abuse or domestic violence, if it weren’t for the men who were actually causing this harm. So, whose issue is it, really?
Because our society has perpetuated the dismissal of women who challenge men to be better, partly because men don’t stand with them when it comes to “women’s issues.”
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Of course there are abusive women and men who are abused, too. In fact, there are also many societal pressures on men that prevent them from speaking out – but nobody thinks so because we don’t talk about those, either. I was actually asked on Twitter if I was gay because my Elliot Rodger piece was “the most feminist thing” from a dude, ever. Well…considering feminism is defined as equality between men and women, I don’t see the problem.
But, why is this “gay?” Why does standing up for women and bringing these issues to light make people think that you are sexually attracted to other men? What a ridiculous, nonsensical thought to even go through somebody’s head…but it still happens. In 2014 it still happens – and if more men would stand up and voice their disapproval of other men being misogynistic, abusive, sexist or oppressive…maybe more people would listen.
We cannot stay quiet when our sisters, mothers, daughters, cousins, and friends are being harassed. When our girlfriends have been harassed or abused in the past. When our peers and fellow men are the ones doing the abusing. It should cause absolute outrage in us. It is unacceptable.
This is not the time for dismissal of these issues. This is not the time to remain quiet for fear of other men looking at you funny. This is not the time to sit passively in your corner because you don’t want to be a blue fish in a pink ocean.
Gentlemen, this is the exact time when we need to stand together. We need to create a society of collaboration between men and women instead of conflict. We need to be the ones who say “not cool, man” when another guy makes the wrong kind of jokes about women, because if a woman says it, he will just dismiss her. It’s sad, but it’s true.
This is no longer about Elliot Rodger. This is about the other men out there who think like him…who think they are entitled to a woman…because they performed some act of kindness.
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We need to be the ones who start the conversation among ourselves that women have been trying to have with us for centuries. We need to be willing to ask ourselves what being “masculine” really means. What is it to be a MAN? Does it mean acting superior to our equals? Making jokes about staying in the kitchen or bringing us a sandwich while we chug Bud Lights during the football game and grunt with our friends?
Please.
This is no longer about Elliot Rodger. This is about the other men out there who think like him, because there are plenty. The other men who think they are entitled to a woman, or that they “deserve” a date because they performed some act of kindness. The other men who think they should make decisions for women. The men who are the reason women don’t feel safe walking alone at night.
This is about the men who make us, as boyfriends, nervous when our girlfriend is somewhere alone. The men who make it so women need a “fake boyfriend” with them because a woman’s “no” isn’t as effective as another man’s presence.
Let us set examples for our younger generations. Let us set examples for our generation, and the generations older than us. Let us be the ones who alter the course of history by saying enough is enough. Now is the time for change, and let us be the ones who bring it about.
This article was originally seen on James Sama’s Blog
Stock photo ID:936369514
How about men and women standing with each other as fellow humans on this journey together. If you follow the simple principals of respect, consideration, dignity, tolerance and value of everyone, there will be no need for feminist movement or masculinity movement, it will juts be a human movement until we don’t need a movement at all. I know this smacks of optimism and peace is always more boring than war, but it is what we need and the only way we will survive.
Thank you Michael Sama! I completely agree with you. There was a time respecting and loving women was the definition of a man, over the years through music, movies now social media thats no longer the case. I think we as men are or have been guilty of objectifying women at some point in our lives through the music we listen to, the movies we chose to watch or even ‘Liking’ a pic on FB. But I think the small group of women who willingly participate in being objectified have made it difficult for the majority of women who respect… Read more »
No, of course not! Gosh I didn’t mean to suggest that.
Bad behavior is bad behavior. If someone tells a racist joke, I would assume you would be comfortable telling them that wasn’t funny. Well if someone tells a sexist joke, or yells at a woman on the street, wouldn’t it be just as easy to call them on it?
http://vimeo.com/96126060
I just wanted to comment and say that I appreciated you mentioning that maybe guys could tell their friends when a particular joke “isn’t cool” – I think little things like that would go a long way. And for guys looking for some way that they can help, that’s a really awesome place to start. Some of the greatest guys I know still tease their friends and say things like “stop being such a girl” or “he’s acting like a little bitch” or calling someone a “pussy” – all to imply that the person is being weak or sub-par. And… Read more »
I personally tell women like that they are idiots :/.
Maybe just do it anyway because it’s the right thing.
Sorry, replied to the wrong thread.
Thank you for writing this.
Very powerful and well written! Thank you, James! Lets get this awesome movement of the generation of new men/fathers/husbands/grandfathers/uncles/brothers going. That’s what we need: men of tomorrow, now.
Thanks for writing this article and standing up for what you believe in. As a man, I personally feel that not only am I ‘not invited’ to the feminist movement but also that it doesn’t really help women or anyone for that matter. The movement doesn’t seem to deal with the major issues affecting women around the world, nor does it seem to recognize the fundamental differences between me and women that are causing these problems. As with many movements, the leaders are elevated to a point which involves bickering over the roles of women as video game characters when… Read more »
I totally agree with you. Feminism has missed the mark in several ways.
Men are victims of a patriarchal system (in that they aren’t allowed to be anything other than “alpha”) *and* often victims of feminist rhetoric. I think because of that double whammy, men perhaps feel disempowered to speak up or create a broader narrative about who men really are. I think you guys just need to go for it.
I don’t expect a man to be my protector. The idea is ridiculous. What I expect is for men to stand up to other men to stop the reason women need to fear men. The reason women call each other to make sure they got home safely. The reason we go with friends on a blind date to make sure they’re safe. The reason we watch women at bars to make sure they don’t go home with a guy when they are too intoxicated to make a rational decision.
“What I expect is for men to stand up to other men to stop the reason women need to fear men.”
Did you even read what you wrote? Thats the exact definition of protection. Putting ones self in harms way to save another.
As for the second part of your babble. All those situations of late nights out. Those men that you are so concerned will threaten your safety. They are in more danger than you are.
Do you see men running around in hysterics fearing for their lives? No – you’ve bought into irrationality.
Yes, that’s right, it’s about standing up for decency, not “protection”.
Heather, I hear what you’re saying, but… I’m a member of a large recreational club. There’s a group of men in the club who act entitled in their dealings with other members, in using the club’s equipment and in exploiting the club’s programs for their own ends. They harass women around the club and when drunk at parties. They’re the kind of guys who might take advantage of a dunk woman, and a couple of them have had minor sexual assault charges against them. Their partying has led to at least one attempted rape. I have tried to raise awareness… Read more »
It sounds like you aren’t doing enough for women. I leave it to the men and women feminists here to give you and the rest of us some more ideas. This is a great personal anecdote that we can all learn from.
I personally tell women like that they are idiots :/.
Maybe just do it anyway because it’s the right thing.
I think you should stand up, or at least call authorities, if it’s an obvious assault and the woman does not want the attention/treatment. Other than that, stick up for your female friends, and other women you care about. Can’t save the world, but you can show care and support for those you love and care about.
No, that’s the thing. It’s generally not obvious assaults. They never released the names of the perpetrator and victim in the attempted rape, but I gather the guy wasn’t a club regular and is long gone. Don’t get me wrong, the men who are around and act aggressive and entitled aren’t obvious monsters. The problematic behavior comes out often in subtle ways, except when there’s a lot of alcohol involved. That’s half the conundrum I face in this situation: These guys aren’t stereotypical creeps who run around like bulls in a china shop, assaulting everything female that moves, but they… Read more »
Bad behavior is bad behavior. If someone tells a racist joke, I would assume you would be comfortable telling them that wasn’t funny. Well if someone tells a sexist joke, or yells at a woman on the street, wouldn’t it be just as easy to call them on it?
I can’t be everywhere at once, though, and I do have a life to lead that doesn’t involve hanging out with guys I think are smarmy jerks just so I can call them out.
No, of course not! Gosh I didn’t mean to suggest that.
Probably not.
Josh, you seem unable to understand that my perspective is pro man pro woman. I’ve tried to speak sense with you before, to no avail. I’m sorry you don’t understand, but I won’t go down another rabbit hole with you. Go in peace! Lord help us all we want the same thing.
Feminists just bought into the same lies that men have been fed all their lives. Our only purpose is to provide for others and/or die if necessary. Period. Unless you are at the top of the pyramid like a CEO or politician you are just an expendable asset. In her book Men On Strike, Helen Smith points out that more and more men are choosing not to marry, have relationships or even go to college because they simply see no benefit in it. And because of Feminists who have branded all men as potential rapists or abusers. Why be part… Read more »
Well said.
Well said.
“This movement in the first world is also missing many if the larger points of feminism as it is requiring men to be the ones who change which is completely the opposite of empowerment.” Well said. I’m for equal rights on all fronts, that includes those where women get the short end AND those where men get the short end. This article really said nothing though. What advice does it offer? Don’t make jokes. OK. But really there is no meat here.