Stephen Smith excused the abuser and blamed the victim. His attitude is not helpful.
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Stephen A. Smith, a former collegiate basketball player turned journalist, unleashed on an unsuspecting ESPN audience late last week.
A friend of mine posted a video link to this conversation on my Facebook wall. If you’ve read any of my contributions here on The Good Men Project, you’ll see I survived a two-year relationship with a dangerous, abusive man. Now I speak out against violence and abuse though sometimes it’s really painful. I’ll spend time today justifying my decisions because of someone else’s opinion. Healing can be hard.
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This suspension, for those of you who don’t know, came after Ray Rice was indicted on a 3rd degree assault charge following an attack on his fiancée. He punched her to unconsciousness. This charge could land him three to five years in prison, if convicted. But his then-fiancée-now-wife didn’t want to file charges, even though the casino where it happened has the event on tape. Her unwillingness to go through with charges is a likely outcome if you know the dynamics of abusive relationship.
The NFL only suspended him for the first two games of the season. This guy would have been suspended longer for smoking weed. Still, people are disappointed he’ll be gone at all, and ESPN and Stephen Smith decided to chime in. Here’s what Smith said on air:
It’s not about him, then. It’s about you, and here’s what I mean by that. We keep talking about the guys. We know you have no business putting your hands on a woman. I don’t know how many times I got to reiterate that. But as a man who was raised by women, see I know what I’m going to do if somebody touches a female member of my family. I know what I’m going to do, I know what my boys are going to do. I know what, I’m going to have to remind myself that I work for the Worldwide Leader, I’m going to have to get law enforcement officials involved because of what I’m going to be tempted to do. But what I’ve tried to employ the female members of my family, some of who you all met and talked to and what have you, is that again, and this what, I’ve done this all my life, let’s make sure we don’t do anything to provoke wrong actions, because if I come, or somebody else come, whether it’s law enforcement officials, your brother or the fellas that you know, if we come after somebody has put their hands on you, it doesn’t negate the fact that they already put their hands on you. So let’s try to make sure that we can do our part in making sure that that doesn’t happen. Now you got some dudes that are just horrible and they’re going to do it anyway, and there’s never an excuse to put your hands on a woman. But domestic violence or whatever the case may be, with men putting their hands on women, is obviously a very real, real issue in our society. And I think that just talking about what guys shouldn’t do, we got to also make sure that you can do your part to do whatever you can do to make, to try to make sure it doesn’t happen. We know they’re wrong. We know they’re criminals. We know they probably deserve to be in jail. In Ray Rice’s case, he probably deserves more than a 2-game suspension which we both acknowledged. But at the same time, we also have to make sure that we learn as much as we can about elements of provocation. Not that there’s real provocation, but the elements of provocation, you got to make sure that you address them, because we’ve got to do is do what we can to try to prevent the situation from happening in any way. And I don’t think that’s broached enough, is all I’m saying. No point of blame.
It’s a dangerous game we play when we allow people without experience or knowledge to display said ignorance for the world to see. And, in all truth, Stephen Smith is the stereotypical victim-blaming asshat who doesn’t realize he’s perpetuating the problem.
Let’s break apart his three biggest mistakes:
Mistake 1.” It’s not about him, then. It’s about you …”
How exactly is his behavior not about him? If you punch or kick or choke someone you should be responsible for the consequences. His argument begins with victim blaming. In turn, nothing he says afterward (although he continued failing, so we’ll continue dissecting) should matter.
Mistake 2. “I know what I’m going to do if somebody touches a female member of my family. I know what I’m going to do, I know what my boys are going to do. I know what, I’m going to have to remind myself that I work for the Worldwide Leader, I’m going to have to get law enforcement officials involved because of what I’m going to be tempted to do.”
Stephen Smith is the stereotypical victim-blaming asshat who doesn’t realize he’s perpetuating the problem.
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His first comment is pretty threatening, right up until he has to think about the ramifications of hurting someone else. Then, all of the sudden he’s going to call law enforcement. So he really don’t know what he’s going to do at all.
News flash: Most law enforcement officials are nearly as uneducated in domestic violence as you are, Mr. Smith. They usual respond to the call and threaten both parties with arrests if they get called back. Again, victim blaming. Again, instilling fear in the abused party. Again, giving the guy a false sense of security: she doesn’t want to go to jail, so she won’t call the police.
Smith doesn’t have a clue what to do because his family was fortunate enough to avoid domestic violence, so he’s assuming this is how he’ll respond. If you ask my family—men and women alike—why they didn’t step in, they’ll each give you a different reason. It’s just not that simple and, although it’s scary, society needs to realize this. Otherwise we’ll keep coming up with the same “I’d be different” excuses and dealing with the same problems.
Mistake 3. “ … we also have to make sure that we learn as much as we can about elements of provocation. Not that there’s real provocation, but the elements of provocation, you got to make sure that you address them, because we’ve got to do is do what we can to try to prevent the situation from happening in any way. And I don’t think that’s broached enough, is all I’m saying. No point of blame.”
So I was just forced to watch this morning’s First Take. A) I’ll never feel clean again B) I’m now aware that I can provoke my own beating.
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— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) July 25, 2014
Abusive men do not have to be provoked to be abusive. Again, the speaker’s ignorance leads him to believe a woman can stop a man by changing her behavior. Guess what? I stayed because I thought that was true, too. But it’s not and it almost cost me my life.
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If we keep preaching for women to change their behavior, domestic violence will remain as common in the news as it is now.
The abuser is always to blame.
This stunning display of ignorance has only solidified society’s common misconceptions. And it’s a damn shame a popular channel allowed this conversation to air. ESPN made the biggest mistake of all.
You can also read The Good Men Project‘s piece on Keith Olbermann’s rant on Ray Rice and the NFL here.
Photo—White Goodman-Globo Gym/YouTube
I try not to rush to a conclusion one way or another about what happened before he struck her. I don’t know enough to say what motivated his violence. For one thing, I do not assume that if a man strikes his fiancée that means it is automatically a case of his bullying her. He may be striking in self-defense or as part of a mutual physical altercation. Clearly the prosecution and/or a grand jury think the evidence is compelling, because he’s been indicted. I have not read much on the case, so I don’t know what kind of defense… Read more »
Interesting ideas here, wellokaythen. My only question: When violence or rape is repeated, as it is in abuse, does this change the legal considerations? The concern I have here is that rape and violence against people who are not in personal relationships usually only happen once. In cases of repeated offense, it’s usually a partner type (or familial) relationship. Should the charges only happen on the count they are finally indicted on? Or should relationships and the possibility of repeated offenses be considered? Does it matter? I don’t have a specific, immediate response to this, but there are so many… Read more »
Luke – I believe that what you say is generally true, as physical violence is an escalation that should be avoided, but I would not state unequivocally that all provocations should be excused as not relevant to an escalation to violence. It simply does not make sense to hold that line of thought. Ideals are seldom realistic by design, but remain useful because of the bright lines they draw. On this case in particular, the link below is the police report and it points to another video which we have yet to see, and the police officer remarks that both… Read more »
a great, heartfelt apology from Stephan A Smith – http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=11275337
I saw this apology and appreciated it, even if he was forced to do it (though I can’t say whether or not he was). I’m glad ESPN held him accountable for his words, and I hope he learns something from it.
“We have to do what we can to not provoke a situation…” My abuser drove from one state to another over many miles just to come over and bully me and assault me…not once, but twice….For many years, I did blame myself for whatever emotional turmoil he was going through….and that was dangerous for me….I risked my life opening that door for him because I felt sorry for him….the only time I ever struck back at him was to defend myself…he was over 6′ tall to my petite Asian flower size…right, I provoked him because I was “not listening to… Read more »
Thank you for your testimony, Leia.
What you speak of is something I also faced, having pushed him off of me one time he choked me from behind. I was trying to protect myself, in my own home, yet I was also threatened with assault charges. It’s an unintentional form of victim blaming, I believe, and I think more people can speak out about it to lower the incidence.
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I worked at a safe house for victims if DV several years ago. I read a lot on the subject in preparation for the position. Something that stuck with me was a passage from a book written by a survivor that was commenting on the different ways her abuser claimed she provoked the abusive response. It went something like this…If I am stupid then I need an education, not to be slapped. If I am crazy then I need psychiatric help, not to be punched. If I forgot the bread at the grocery story then I need to be reminded,… Read more »
I don’t understand the US law of pressing charges. In Oz if the police believe they have enough evidence for a conviction they will charge regardless of the victims acquiescence but in general without the victims statement it is harder to secure a conviction. I agree with the issue with Smith’s belief we should be stopping provocation. Are these people 5 years old. Don’t lose your temper, don’t lash out, don’t through a tantrum when you don’t get your own way these are all things I was taught to control before I went to school. There isn’t any excuse for… Read more »
Yes!
Luke – I believe that what you say is generally true, as physical violence is an escalation that should be avoided, but I would not state unequivocally that all provocations should be excused as not relevant to an escalation to violence. It simply does not make sense to hold that line of thought. Ideals are seldom realistic by design, but remain useful because of the bright lines they draw. On this case in particular, the link below is the police report and it points to another video which we have yet to see, and the police officer remarks that both… Read more »
I was responding to Smiths’s statement on provocation and victim bashing in general rather than that specific incident. I wasn’t there and haven’t seen footage so I won’t comment about something I don’t know about.
I don’t have any qualms about using violence when defending yourself or others but when I say that I am talking about a deliberate act to prevent or stop an act of physical aggression against either myself or someone around me. Provocation isn’t my defense though, physical safety is.
Rice’s wife, then fiancee, was also arrested for assault following this incident. The “provoking” I believe Stephen A. Smith was talking about was whether Mrs. Rice escalated things from a verbal altercation to a physical one. As someone who has been verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by an alcoholic stepmother and who has witnessed my alcoholic stepmother verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse my father and verbally and emotionally abuse her son (my half-brother), I have a slightly different viewpoint on the point I think Stephen A. Smith was trying to make. People shouldn’t abuse people. I believe that Stephen A.… Read more »
Hi, Jim. Thanks for contributing to the conversation. A few things: 1 – While it may be true she was arrested, the video footage only shows him pulling her unconscious body from the elevator. What we know in DV situations is that the victim almost always takes partial responsibility for the abuser’s actions. It is inherent in the nature of abuse/brain-washing. When police were involved in my relationship, I was always threatened with arrest. And I always apologized to keep myself from getting hit again. That does not mean I hit him. It means the system is flawed. 2 –… Read more »
” If you punch or kick or choke someone you should be responsible for the consequences”—- Apparently, you are ONLY talking about Men and not your Fellow Ladies then -_- “3 – Jay Z and his sister-in-law is not, technically, DV. Violence in general? Yes. But not a great example when we’re talking about domestic abuse.”———— You have to be Joking with this- Domestic Violence is not subjected to Only a Couple; ANY combination of relatives or parties in a Confined Setting is Domestic Violence. Maybe the “culture” You Live in or Come From it isn’t but you need to… Read more »
Hi J. First, no, I am not only speaking about violence against women. While I am a woman, I do not believe violence is okay. There is a huge number of men who are in abusive relationships, regardless of the genders in the relationship. Men abuse women. Women abuse men. There are also women who abuse women and men who abuse men. As a woman who was abused by a man, I share my story and experience with abuse, but I’ve never diminished or ignored any other types of abuse, including financial, sexual or emotional abuses. Second, domestic violence is… Read more »
Hey Jim.
Thanks for your thoughts. I replied a bit ago but I think GMP marked it as spam. That said, I’ll reply again if my original comment doesn’t make it past their filter soon.
“She provoked me” is classic abuser language. It’s what every bully says — “I hit you because you made me mad.” And Smith is trying to teach that to the girls and women in his family.
If Rice’s wife shot Rice in self-defense, would Smith defend her by saying she was “provoked”? Somehow I doubt it.
Yes, absolutely.
Thank you for contributing.