Despite popular belief, “manning up” will not change your manliness.
This article originally appeared at dippyman.
There are some phrases or sayings that people just churn out when they don’t know what else to say.
Often this is something harmless about the weather that they might chirpily say to the postman or newsagent: “Nippy outside, isn’t it?” or ”Lovely day.” In football, there are mundane clichés that players, managers and pundits trot out when they have to say something but haven’t had time to think about what that something might be: “He’s come in and done a job” or “At the end of the day it’s all about getting three points.”
People can take the same approach as those tongue-tied football experts when confronted with an awkward situation or inconvenient truth. Say, for example, a relative or friend reveals they are struggling with depression. Unless you’ve experienced depression for yourself, it’s hard to know what to say, because you don’t know what that person is thinking or how they’re feeling. So, out come those reliable old gap-fillers: “Chin up,” “cheer up, you’ve got lots to be happy about,” “pull yourself together,” ”stiff upper lip” and all that.
I have nothing against such well-meaning attempts at helping someone to feel better. They’re often said with a kind heart and good intentions. OK, so they’re rather thoughtless and not exactly helpful, because cheering up is one of those things you would probably tend to do if you were blessed with the capacity to do so at that particular time. Even somebody who isn’t suffering from depression but is having a bad day might not react favourably to such merry, faux motivational small talk. Your well-meaning adviser is simply failing to understand and diagnose what is wrong, and is using their limited or non-existent knowledge of it to give you a slightly feeble and misguided pep talk.
There is a similar phrase I’ve heard a few times recently (not directed at me) that is not only unhelpful but is also ignorant and, to be blunt about it, stupid. That phrase is “man up”.
I am a man. I have the parts to prove it, should the need arise—so to speak. No amount of “manning up”, in any circumstances, is going to alter my manliness. It has remained at a constant level throughout my adult life. Before I was a man, I was a boy. Nobody tells you to “boy up”, though, so we can forget about that.
I have heard two men recently saying that they were going to “man up”. They meant they were going to try and toughen up. If that means they’re going to face their problems head on and get the help they need to get better, then fine. The alternative meaning, though, is that they’re going to do that “strong, silent type” thing that’s meant to personify the rugged, heroic, masculine, chisel-jawed breadwinner, who “just gets on with it”. My problem with that is that “just getting on with it” is what frequently seems to cause depression. There is only so much “just getting on with it” a person can do before it starts to take its toll on their health. For “just get on with it”, read “just get stressed out, just fail to express your feelings, just take on too much, just get mentally ill as a result”.
Worse, though, is when someone else tells you to ‘man up’. I saw this on Twitter recently, in response to a well-known sportsman openly tweeting about depression. The tweet helpfully advised him to “man the f*** up”. In reply, he simply and brilliantly retweeted this moronic insult so that all his followers could see it.
This use of ‘man up’ was deliberately hostile and provocative and clearly wasn’t the well-considered product of an ingenious mind, but the ignorance riled me nonetheless. It’s based on the presumption that someone going through depression is just having a prolonged sulk, and can suddenly jolt themselves out of it when they receive a timely piece of unexpected guidance. It’s also grounded in a ridiculous misconception of what a man should be.
The reality of depression is that it is not merely a bad mood that you can snap out of, however manly you may be. It’s an illness. As I was mulling over—and probably scowling about—the idea of “manning up”, I caught side of the inhaler by my bed, and it occurred to me that there are some parallels between depression and asthma:
- both are medical problems
- both have varying degrees of severity
- both can be triggered by a range of factors
- many cases of both can be managed with the right treatment
- both can be killers
If I were ever to have a severe asthma attack, I hope it would not even pop into someone’s head that they could suggest I “man up”, because that would not help me to get my breathing under control and prevent serious harm. It is equally daft, useless and dangerous to aim a “man up” at someone fighting depression. What possible good could that phrase do? It is about as much use as a PE teacher telling you that you ‘need more confidence’ when you’re not doing very well at a particular sport. “Ah yes,” thinks the teenage boy, “you are right. Glad you pointed that out. I will locate my ‘confidence’ switch and that will solve all my problems’.” If you don’t have confidence, how exactly are you going to find more just because someone has suggested it?
“Man up” could have been a phrase that encouraged men to face their troubles in a healthy way—it could have been about admitting to a problem and asking for help. Instead, it is a sub-cavemanesque grunt of ground-breaking stupidity that enforces meathead sterotypes of masculinity. Gentlemen—it’s time we gave it the boot.
I wrote this blog for the Blurt Foundation. Visit them at http://www.blurtitout.org.
Photo credit: Flickr / DieselDemon
Thanks for all the comments everyone – lots of good points! 🙂
Cheers
Paul
Yeah, “man up” is an ignorant thing to say when anyone is discussing something like depression. But what does it say about men in 2012? Perhaps that person is truly “ignorant” about men’s issues and what we’ve struggled with for years. Yeah, look at the words “man up” …. Is that any different then telling someone to “get a grip” when a guy is dealing with issues such as depression? Is it worse because the word “man” is in it? The bigger issues is the fact that men and their needs have been and continue to be minimized if not… Read more »
In all fairness, as someone who has struggled with depression for a good long time, they are somewhat different. Saying ‘get a grip’ is the same as saying that you need to find a way to deal. It acknowledges that something bad is happening, and admonishes that person to get a handle on the situation.
Saying ‘man up’ isn’t telling them to deal with the problem at all. It’s telling them that the problem shouldn’t even be a problem – that they’re pathetic and unmanly just for having a problem.
I’m with Soullite. There is a difference between “get a grip” and “man up”. On it’s own “get a grip” transcends gender but can be used as part of a larger “man up” talk. On the other hand “man up” is pretty much used for the purpose of saying “there is a set way that a man is supposed to act and you are totally not doing it right now. work on it.” Now I’m sure there are exceptions to this common use of “man up” such as when it is actually being used as part of a larger “grow… Read more »
Man up can sometimes be a tool of manipulation as well. A way to keep guys from opening their eyes and start being who they are on their own terms rather than running themselves ragged for the sake of others.
“Man up” is being by social conservatives like Warren Bennett and Kay Hymowics to shame ‘Peter Pans’ into marriage and becoming beasts of burden.
Very much so Mammone. Shaming guys into “growing up” where growing up is living to serve someone else’s purposes.
Absolutely right!
Good topic! I was just discussing with my fellow karateka about our Sensei, who is one uber-macho guy and Old World Italian in outlook….he is going through a terrible personal crisis right now….I feel that I am privy to a lot of his personal information (stuff that he was willing to divulge to me), but I am wary about what is the right next step in trying to help him….I have to keep a safe distance from him now (ever since he made an unreasonable request of me), but I don’t want him not to receive any help….I have tried… Read more »
That’s a tricky situation, isn’t it? It’s the sort of thing that would trouble me a lot, but I have also had to learn to accept what is my responsibility and what isn’t. This troubles you because you care, but I think (and I’m not an expert in any way!) you may just have to step back from the situation and see what happens, because solving this isn’t your responsibility – unless you’re really concerned that something very bad might happen and you urgently need to involve someone else to prevent that.
Don’t know if that helps?
Thank you your reply! Actually, that does help a lot….I literally had to sit on my hands so that I wouldn’t try to respond to his text messages….for his good and my good! I was very conflicted the first day or two of OPERATION IGNORE SENSEI’S TEXTS….but I know that in talking to other people he has not hurt himself and is otherwise carrying on in his daily routine…. I know he is a competitive and jealous man….so I’m hoping by scouting out and hinting at joining a rival dojo that he will snap to it (i.e., “man up”) and… Read more »