Comedian and Podcaster Paul Gilmartin shares 15 tips for teenagers and the adults who love them.
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Someone asked me to give life tips to teenagers. I’m no expert but I know these would have helped me when I was one.
1.Know that everyone is afraid.
2.Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.
3.99% of the things that seem so important right now won’t matter in the long run.
4.Nobody has it “figured out”
5.We never stop learning so don’t beat yourself up for not knowing something.
Your emotions won’t kill you but running from them might.
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6.Pain can make us stronger. Surviving the worst times of our lives can be a source of future strength, especially if we open up about it.
7.It’s okay if your sexuality or gender can’t be easily defined. Don’t waste your time trying to please anyone who doesn’t accept it.
8.There are no unhealthy thoughts or feelings, just healthy or unhealthy ways of dealing with them.
9.Almost everybody has sexual fantasies that make them uncomfortable. Don’t shame yourself for them. If you’re not hurting anyone, embrace them. We don’t choose what turns us on. It’s like freckles. They’re just there.
10.There is nothing you have done, said or thought that someone else hasn’t.
11.Your emotions won’t kill you but running from them might.
Know that everyone is afraid.
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12.We don’t have to be overtly abused in childhood to be damaged. The absence of a healthy emotional environment can be just as hard on a person as being abused because the message the child receives in both cases is the same, “You don’t matter.“
13.When you’re not getting what you want, there’s a good chance it’s the Universe looking out for you in the long run.
14.The things we hate having to go through can often be the very thing that builds our character; a forced gym membership for the soul.
15.Life is a roller coaster. You’re strapped in. You can wish it was over or you can throw your hands in the air and hope you don’t shit your pants.
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For more on parenting, see The Imperfect Parent’s Guide to Parenting. For an earlier Good Men Project article about Paul and his podcast, read it. You can find more of Paul’s work at his website, Mentalpod.
Content courtesy of the Mental Illness Happy Hour, used by permission.
Photo by Rolands Lakis
I think the operative word is about shaming yourself. The statement comes from a place of self-understanding. In the context of the article, #9 is about accepting yourself. Sex is so easily judged in our society. That said, the statement is not intended to support abuse against anyone, nor to give validity to fantasy about harming another person. Shame is so destructive and the statement is really about becoming more whole. What I find beautiful about the statement is that we all have thoughts that make us uncomfortable. My natural tendency has been to stuff these. But I am learning… Read more »
Hi Sean I did not express myself well. What you write here is clear. You say “if it you are not hurting anyone..”. What I wanted to say is that you forgot to tell your teenagers that not all sexual feelings should be embraced . Simply because dwelling on it,acting on it, masturbating to phantasies about it can hurt yourself in the long run. The teenager himself ! Don’t be so afraid of what you call sexual shaming ,that you teach teenagers that adult sex are activities totally without boundaries . How wise it is to embrace sexual feelings of… Read more »
Silke, I love how you said “The way we have sex… will form who we are over time.” That is so true because we are beings and our sexuality should be honored and cherished. Every urge needs a boundary and not all feelings, sexual or otherwise, should be embraced. Well said. WE don’t encourage a person to embrace despair and suicide because that is unhealthy. Hurting others and yourself whether it is in fantasy or reality, should not be embraced. For the majority of people, what #9 is about is the shame that we all feel. Some will justify harmful… Read more »
Hi Sean This is a good article, but I disagree with your number nine: Maybe I misunderstand you ,but I think not. to advice anyone to embrace any kind of sexual feelings that makes you uncomfortalble is not a good advice to anyone. Let me give one example. Many adults can become aroused by being close to children. If and when that happens you can deal with it in many ways, but to me it sounds like you think it is quite OK to dwell on it, nurtue it when you say embrace it. I could give you other examples… Read more »
This article should have been written and print years ago plus being mandatory reading for parents.
Good point. Send it to all of the parents that you know and let me know what they say.
Tom, you are welcome.
Nice read … thanks
These are great. Here’s another one I didn’t figure out until later in life, that I wish I had realized far earlier:
Don’t worry what people think of you. They’re probably too busy worrying what people think of them, to be thinking whatever it is you’re worried they might think of you.
Anthony, That is a great one. I may include it in the 2.0 version.
Yeah, in fact, it was your first point that made me think of it. Everyone is afraid, and one of those fears is about what others might be thinking of them. It seems to be universal, that people are so wrapped up in their own worries, they’re not concerned with judging you as harshly as you’ve been judging yourself. Nothing wrong with being judged either. If the person doing it is willing to offer you constructive criticism about anything negative they think they see in you. If not, then they’re simply not worth your time. It requires a higher level… Read more »
Anthony, Well said. I like your comment on being judged. It is reality that we need to build up armor against it. That said, I think there is a significant difference between criticism from a place of caring and judgment with the intent to put down, single out and write a person off.
We are all the same, but we are unique. That is a beautiful point.