Dear Dad answers parenting questions regarding what to call yourself after a divorce.
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Dear Dad,
Why do some custodial parents refer to themselves as “single parents” when their child has another parent? You may be single in the relationship/significant other status but, if there are 2
parents…you can’t be a single one. (This is not intended for people that have ex’s that aren’t in their child’s life) not trying to start a war, just frustrates me. My husband’s ex used to throw this term around constantly. Regardless of the fact that my husband paid support and had as much visitation as she would allow. (After a 12k court battle of course).
-Semantics
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Dear ‘Semantics’,
I understand what you are arguing, but also understand why a custodial parent would refer to him/her self as a “single parent” even if his/her ex is part of the support system. I believe it is because said parent is no longer married, and not in a direct day-to-day partnership that would imply a “coupled parent.”
My wife and I have a great division of labor, and often cross over in our self appointed roles when the other needs a little extra hand. I have more than once taken on catering jobs, writing gigs, or menial jobs to make sure we can make ends meet; at the same time, my wife has more than once cleaned the entire kitchen, living room, and helped catch up laundry.
Parenting is exhausting work, and I can not fathom for the life of me how anyone does it alone. I don’t believe that having visitation and paying support is the same as the 24-7 experience of being a custodial parent. I mean no disrespect to your situation, and do understand she has put it upon herself to be a ‘single parent’, but I do understand why she has the right to say that if she is physically in charge more than 50% of the time, 24-7.
My “editor” brought up an interesting point: there are many types of parents — single with no support, married/coupled with such little support they are basically single, parents who share 50/50 custody, etc. I guess it really all comes down to semantics.
I turn this subject to the readers – what are your thoughts? Is it rude and dismissive to call oneself a ‘single parent’ when the ex is still in the picture? Or, do you think it is being specific to the fact that said parent is not in a “coupled parenting” scenario?
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This article originally appeared on Dear Dad’s Facebook.
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I co-authored Single Father’s Handbook (Anchor/Doubleday, 1979). After a divorce or separation with children you are most definitely “single,” as is the other parent. My co-author and I helped one another cope with the challenges of single parenting. This led to our writing a book to help others who faced the same problems as we. We encouraged co-parenting, a cooperative partnership with the other parent. But, the single parenting situation often becomes even more complicated when it becomes a step-parenting problem. And let’s not forget the parents and other relatives of divorced parents, who can make the situation either better… Read more »
I completely agree Richard. I am curious as to your thoughts on being a single parent circa 1979 as compared to 2015. Do you think a lot has changed, and do parents today face the same stigma and challenges one faced in the 1970’s?
What about in the 1960s and 1950s? Remember the TV Show The Andy Griffith and My Three Sons where the Dad was widow?
i fully appreciate the sentiments of the other commenters and the joys and challenges of parenting both in and outside of a relationship with another parent, but am i the only one who thinks this question is a little silly? clearly the “single” in single parent refers to the relationship status of said parent, not to how many parents the child has…since when has that not been the case???
I am also a first time commenter and as a widowed father of 3 , I have only huge respect for all who parent for any length of time as a single. I constantly face the dilemma of deciding what bit of my kids lives I let slip through the net simply because it doesn’t always fit into the simple logistics of our lives. I also worry about the impact this has had on them although they seem to me at least and for now, all wonderful functioning and powerful kids with amazing potential. As a single Dad I realised… Read more »
I’m a first time commenter on your site but a religious reader of all the great articles you put out. Now that I got that out there, this topic struck a nerve with me because I’m a ” single parent” in my eyes. And being a single parent to me means no longer being in a relationship with the other parent. It struck a nerve in me because I’ve quickly come to realize how incredibly hard this job is of 50/50 split custody compared to when I was married and had a partner. What makes this single parenting so hard… Read more »
Thank you for commenting, Ryan, and for reading the column. I will echo what I wrote in my answer above: I don’t know how single parents do everything they have to do. I get overwhelmed daily with everything I have to do, and that is with an amazing partner taking on half the responsibilities. My hat is off to you for keeping it together! I know your answer will probably be: “because I have no other choice,” but I have to ask you Ryan: HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL??? Specifically – how?? Good thoughts and energy to you and… Read more »
How do we do it, you ask. With great difficulty. And more often than not, in poverty. Trying to make some kind of child-care situation work, whether with relatives, neighbors, or whatever we can afford. Needless to say, it often comes apart. Jobs get lost because employers don’t care about your child care issue. Kids have to start taking responsibility at a young age, because mama’s got to work. Home-cooked meals are rare, because who has the time? The U.S. likes to go on about “family values,” but if we really value families,we’d have a better support system, free child… Read more »
He Delani- I was raised by a single mother – so I know the struggle from my own perspective and experience. My mother sacrificed her career of choice (nurse), her social life, and the mere prospect of a future marriage to juggle everything. I believe this is a main root to why I became a stay at home parent. What if we passed labor laws that were more more family oriented, and/or created some type of industry where moms and dads in charge of their families job shared – did some type of community based support of each other both… Read more »