As parents, we often wonder what messages toys send to our kids. Are those building blocks really educational? Is that doll promoting antiquated gender roles? Will those clear heels encourage my toddler to become an exotic dancer?
So that last one is not so much a mystery and neither are any of the nasty toys and products on this list. They’re perfect for the parents dreaming their kids grow up to be skanky.
Toddler Tramp Stamps
Pick these sweet body adornments at a Toys R Us near you. Once they get a look at this, all the boys will be lining up to buy your kid juice boxes.
Baby High Heels
Sold by a site called Heelarious.com because they are totes funny, ya? I don’t think so. However, I think it’s smart to get babies accustomed to wearing foot and soul crushing heels as soon as possible. These shoes will totally elongate your child’s chubby calf, unburdening them with the dreaded “baby leg.” So ugly.
Breastfeeding Doll
Baby dolls do all kinds of gross stuff like pee and barf, but the all-too-realistic breastfeeding baby takes the cake. Not because of the doll’s own sucking action, but because the doll comes with a halter the child wears, allowing the doll to latch onto little flowers where nipples would be. Huh? Oh, and the sound effects featured on the box—“chup, chup”—yikes.
Before any lactivists get up in arms, I’m not calling breastfeeding gross. I’m calling 9-year-olds simulating breastfeeding gross. Also, the word “lactivist” is hilarious.
Shave the Baby
It’s almost impossible to know where to start, but let’s try this: why do I want to shave the baby? Also, why would I want to shave a baby there? And why does the baby have hair there? Should I take baby to see a doctor, or just give it a high five? This toy brings up too many questions I don’t actually want the answers to.
I will say, though, I dig the hair suspenders he’s rocking.
Pole Dancing Doll
Sure, Barbie might be a scientist now, but until we see stripper Barbie, she doesn’t truly represent all of a girl’s career options. This doll says, “Hey kids, forget the paper route—here’s a way to pick up some after school change.”
Denim Diaper
You’re not bound to find skinny jeans skinnier than these. Your move, hipsters.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydWMY8cYPUU&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3]
Padded Bikini
People (especially those who like to speak in clichés) say kids these days grow up too fast. Apparently the makers of this controversial swimwear don’t think that’s fast enough. Targeted at 7-year-olds, these “enhanced” bikinis could be found at a major UK retailer. They caused such an uproar there the issue was addressed by candidates during the election of the Prime Minister. My question: when did the first grade beach scene get so competitive?
Rapping Frog
A cuddly frog raps 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop.” If you forgot, here are some lyrics:
[50 Cent]
I’ll take you to the candy shop
I’ll let you lick the lollipop
Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
[Female Voice]
I’ll take you to the candy shop
Boy one taste of what I got
I’ll have you spending all you got
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Good thing kids don’t get really, really overt metaphors, right?
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVo4VcZ7-C8&fs=1&hl=en_US]
Barbie’s Friend Gets Knocked Up
After millions of little girls have forced the clothes off their dolls and made them grind on top of each other in brutal, plastic love-making, one doll was bound it get knocked up. Clearly Midge’s husband, Allen, doesn’t suffer from Ken’s anatomical ambiguities. Extra points for providing a 100% accurate representation of child birth. As you can see, when the baby is ready to come out, the mommy’s stomach falls out and the baby emerges Total Recall style, leaving the mom to live the rest of her life with a gaping cavity where all her internal organs should be.
Incest Onesies
Sorry, but parenting isn’t very edgy. As you raise kids you might feel like you’re losing your edge. But don’t give up; force your baby to keep your cred on the level by wearing blatantly creepy messages. Transforming your doughy kid into a living dirty (gross) joke comes with a side effect: mom’s cutting both you and the baby off said boob.
Nipple Tassel Tee
Like I said, keep it edgy. This joke is so funny until your daughter comes home from preschool with tips.
—Photos, Top to Bottom: consumerist.com, amazon.com, ratedbymom.com, thingamababy.com, buzzfed.com, gawkerassets.com, surebaby.com, blogcdn.com
About Cole Gamble
Um…. Wow. That’s all I’ve really got. Wow.
The pole dancer doll has never been confirmed as real. It was on Gizmodo in 2009, the same pic there, and that I’m aware has never been claimed or seen by anyone else. Think about it, that picture shows two box backs, but they’re different?
And the frog doesn’t look like any of the toys behind it. I think that’s a doll from Spencer’s dressed up to look similar to the ones behind it. Spencer’s isn’t exactly where one goes to buy kid’s toys.
I get the idea, sexualized kid’s toys are bad. But, they should at least be real toys.
The Barbie is from the “Happy Family” and it’s been around for several years. In fact, I think the outrage THEN caused it to be recalled, but I could be wrong on that one. At any rate, I am a kid of the 80′s and I stuffed clothes up my dolls dress to simulate pregnancy. Who didn’t do that? My mom said she did it in the 50/60′s.
lmao.. Wow lady… you’ve got this aaaall confused. So.. how long has your son been a womanizer.. or your daughter a hooker? Cause it sounds like that’s where they’d be if you’d allow them to play with these! But then again.. you wouldn’t want YOUR kids playin with it either!
Spencers is where you buy grownup women toys
A great list. I’m not sure about the breastfeeding doll being put in this same category though – little girls like to immitate their mamas, and that’s natural – and breastfeeding is natural too. It’s just that our culture has over-sexualized alll things to do with b@@bs, and is afraid of ‘em.
Not that I would buy this doll for my children, btw – especially now that you’ve let me know about the flowers and the “chup-chup” sound!
I agree. Breastfeeding is not sexual, it’s nutritional. It’s a sad reflection on this society that anything to do with breasts is seen as sexual.
I don’t see the sex behind the breast feeding baby doll. It’s weird, but not sexualized. Same with the pregnant barbie. Unless you find fetuses attractive–and I’m not judging (yes I am)–then again, not sexualized, just weird.
The rest of the merchandise though, oh my lord.
WOW! How can you say that!!! I bet you put your baby in a string bikini like she has hips and breasts to hold it up… I breastfed my daughter.. Sure it’s natural. It is NOT natural to have a doll suckin on pretend tits! Children DON’T have babies cause they don’t get it.. none of it. How to care for one. The dangers.. anything.. And they DON’T understand breastfeeding.. they DON’T HAVE BREASTS!
Wait…who’s afraid of boobs???
I’m all for breastfeeding. La Leche to the max! Yay boob milk. But a little girl pretending to breastfeed with the sucking noises and flowery nipples? It’s a little weird. People argue that it’s natural. I agree. But so is sex and making that baby. That doesn’t mean little boys and girls should engage in simulated dry humping to mirror the act of conceiving a baby. I think what Cole was getting at is it’s a matter of being age appropriate, or inappropriate as the case may be.
That having been said, I kind of liked the “Boob Man” onesie.
OMG. No really, OMG. We HAD to share this with our readers at http://www.bunchfamily.ca.
We couldn’t decide what was creepier, but we thought the Shave the Baby could be the winner! Hopefully the high heels will only be used for photo ops. Poor babies
Thanks for highlighting this issue! Most of these products are repugnant – baby high heels – words fail me.
The breastfeeding doll shouldn’t be included in your list of “sexualised products”, for the simple reason that breastfeeding is not sexual.
Like other body parts, breasts have more than one function. The main function of human breasts is to feed babies and young children. In Western culture, they also have a sexual function. The two functions are separate. To label a breastfeeding doll “insanely sexual” is to mistakenly associate the two separate functions of human breasts.
You’re right about that.. it’s not sexual but totally natural for a WOMAN.. Not a CHILD to do. She DOESN’T HAVE BREASTS!
Yeah, and its completely disgusting and unnatural how boys play with toy cars- CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE DRIVERS LICENSES!
I also find clothes and cooked food repugnant, because they are unnatural too.
I like to feed and clothe my children the NATURAL way, by throwing a deer carcass on the floor twice a week and let them gnaw on the bones. When they are old enough to use a needle and make clothes for themselves from the hides, they are old enough to go outside, have sex or kill people for fun.
I do not believe in unnaturally limiting human behavior.
Time to brush up your Spanish. “Chup chup” means “Suck suck!” And why would the noise “chup” make it gross anyway?
Well, you have some back and forth on this one. I don’t think I agree with crap like the creepy baby shaving and the pastie shirt, but some of the others I don’t think are necessarily bad. Maybe the term ‘sexualized’ is the problem. I think it’s a matter of age appropriateness?
Some of this stuff is Japanese. (Don’t even go there. That’s the land of, among other things, fellating lolies. I don’t think they have a child porn law.)
I remember, from my daughter’s youth in the mid-80s, the Sweet Secrets hearts and their ad. The ad featured father-daughter bonding and the words “don’t tell Mommy.” Too incestuous by half.
If you’re referring to the “Shave the baby” doll, the writing on the box is not Japanese, it’s Chinese.
And there are laws against child porn in Japan; however, as in many other places in the world there is a problem with the abuse and exploitation of children.
That whole padded bra thing really irks me. And following that, the tassels on the t-shirt, the lower back tattoo, the pole dancing doll…and what is up with the hairy baby. Not to mention the frog.
The key thing here is that most of these products are peddled for or to young girls. What does this say about culture and how we treat or see girls.
I don’t see how the pregnant Midge doll is at all creepy or wrong. I own that doll; she comes from the “Loving Family” collection and is complete with wedding ring and husband and grandparent dolls were sold as well. Clearly everything is being presented in a wholesome context, she is Barbie’s happily married friend with a young family – something I would think most parents would be happy to see modeled for their daughters. On top of that I’m pretty sure any child with a younger sibling learns babies come out of mommy’s belly, that’s all the doll is showing it’s not like the infant passes through a toy birth canal or anything. I also find it odd how many people have issues with the breast feeding doll, it’s about pretending to be a mommy it’s not sexual. Girls play with baby dolls all the time, how is this any different than shoving food in Baby Alive’s mouth then changing her diaper or giving your baby doll a toy bottle? I grew up around women who only bottle fed and of course all baby dolls back then came with toy bottles and I admit I found breastfeeding really weird well into my early 20′s. If I ever had a daughter I would love to have a doll that would model natural breast feeding and let little girls get used to the idea that it’s natural and an option for them when they become mothers. By the time they are in kindergarten children have already picked up on the sexualization of breasts in our culture; why not give them a toy that models the real biological function of breasts?