The answer boils down to pretty much one of three things: you’re difficult, your spouse is difficult or the lawyers are difficult.
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You’re Difficult. Yes, you are. You may think you’re not, but chances are you really are. It’s okay to be difficult. This is your life and your divorce. You have a lot at stake with the outcome of this divorce. You can have as many questions as you like, insist on detailed answers and explanations. You can take all the time you need to understand the process. You can demand all kinds of information. You can struggle with making decisions and choices. You and your spouse are separating both physically and emotionally. The things you had control over in your marriage are no longer in your control. This can create a lot of resistance and difficulty. This is normal and may cause you to be difficult. Like I said, it’s okay to be difficult. Don’t deny it or think it is a bad thing, but don’t be disappointed when your divorce is hard or seems to take a long time. As I always say to my clients, it took twenty (20) years to make this marriage, how long do you think it should take to end it?
Your Spouse is Difficult. Yes, he or she is also difficult, and that’s okay too. You’re spouse is going through all of the same things as you, except he or she sees things from the standpoint of how it is going to affect him or her, not you. The two of you saw things differently in your marriage and that is why you are getting divorced. Whenever things get difficult in the divorce, my clients usually begin their sentence with “why can’t he/she just…” and the answer is “because he/she can’t.” Just like your husband or wife didn’t do “the right thing” in the marriage, he/she can’t do the “right thing” in your divorce. Maybe what you think is “the right thing” really is right, and maybe it is not. Either way, you have to lower your expectation as to what you think your spouse should be doing.
The Lawyers are Difficult. What you wanted in a lawyer is what you are going to get. If you wanted a “top gun” barracuda to go after your spouse with a vengeance your divorce is going to be long and hard. Somewhere in the beginning you may have felt that way, but soon into it, you sensed that maybe it was not the best route. In these cases divorces often become personalized and no one gets the result they need or want. If you wanted an inexpensive lawyer or worse, a family friend or relative who would do your divorce cheaply or for free to save time and money, you are going to pay a lot more than legal fees. The inexpensive lawyer may be inexperienced and therefore cost you thousands of dollars in errors and the family friend or relative may also personalize the divorce or put it on the back burner since it’s a “favor;” either way, you can bet your divorce is going to be hard.
By now you know that I usually have an exception to all my musings about divorce, so here it is: sometimes you are not the difficult one, have a great lawyer and it really is your spouse who is the difficult one. When that happens, there is not much you can do except remind yourself as to why you are getting divorced from him/her and be happy that long as it may take, and hard as it may be, eventually, you will be divorced!
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About the author
Maria Schwartz is a divorce and family law attorney with over eighteen years of experience in transitioning men and women from marriage to divorce. She began her practice immediately upon graduation from law school and admission to the New York State Bar. Electing to “hang a shingle” for herself, she immediately went into the trenches of divorce where she singlehandedly dealt with the demands of a growing practice, fragile clients, and tough adversaries. Drive, pressure to survive and determination to be among “the best” led the way to successful and steady growth of her career. Like her clients and more than 50% of the country’s married population, she too divorced and found herself a single mother to three daughters. This personal experience not only furthered her understanding of divorce but enabled her to truly appreciate and empathize with her clients. Her approach to divorce and clients is straight-up and no-nonsense.
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This article originally appeared on DivorcedMoms
Photo credit: Andy Hares/flickr
On one episode of The Simpsons, Homer forgets to pick up Bart after soccer practice, so Bart is left out in the rain for a long time. After finally picking him up, he says, “I know you’re mad at me right now, and I’m kinda mad too … I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let’s just say we’re both wrong and that’ll be that.” Your “exception” was all I could think about while reading the rest of the article. I wonder if it’s… Read more »