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I was once a boy, now I’m a man. It took me twenty-nine years to get there, but I’ve arrived. It’s more than most men can say.
And that’s because age has nothing to do with being a man. Age is merely a number—actions define who he really is. But here’s the problem—most women spend their time trying to change boys into men.
Well, that ends today. If you’re dating a boy right now, it’s up to you to be a woman and move on with your life.
#1 Boys avoid uncomfortable conversations – men know how to communicate their needs.
Even the best relationships have friction. You’re going to do or say something he doesn’t like—it’s inevitable. Boys are passive-aggressive, whereas a mature man will have a productive conversation with you…even if it’s a little awkward.
#2 Boys only want to hook up – men invest their time and energy in the right woman.
There’s a moment in every man’s life when he realizes that being in a relationship makes him significantly happier than chasing “tail” every night. If you’re only hearing from him at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night, he’s not ready to give up his toys. Move on and find yourself a grown man.
#3 Boys will compliment you to get in your pants – men pay compliments because they want you to feel great about yourself.
There’s a huge difference between delivering a compliment to get something and delivering a compliment to give something. Mature men are givers because they know a mature woman will reciprocate.
#4 Boys live day by day – men work hard to build a future for themselves and their women.
When you’re only focused on making yourself happy, you can party every night and be lazy every day. Once you realize that other people are relying on you, you’re willing to make the sacrifices you need to support your family.
#5 Boys are intimidated by smart women – men are stimulated by them.
If he’s insecure about his own intellect, he won’t risk it with a smart girl. The boy will stay in his comfort zone, whereas a mature man wants the challenge of a smart woman.
#6 Boys make promises they can’t keep – men say it and mean it.
One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made was telling a woman I loved her when I didn’t mean it. I was a scared little boy trying to make a girl happy. A mature man will tell a woman how he feels when he feels it. And if it’s not there, he won’t make it up.
#7 Boys avoid any chance of rejection – men face their fears and go for it.
Here’s the thing, both men and boys hate getting rejected—no matter who you are, rejection sucks. The only difference is that a mature man will push through his fears and go for it anyway because you’re worth it.
#8 Boys don’t set priorities – a man realizes what’s most important and makes you a priority.
A mature man wants to spend his time with the people he cares about. And if he’s dating you, he cares about you. He will want to be with you and only you.
#9 Boys put you down – men encourage and support you.
Scared boys will try to drag a woman down with them as a defense mechanism. A mature man understands that he will grow as a man if his woman is growing as a woman.
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Originally appeared on Adam’s blog.
Reprinted in partnership with James M. Sama
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Photo: Flickr/DenisDenis / Creative Commons License
Test Comment
You have nailed this and you’re brilliant.
Hi Adam….when you said ” boys put down women as a defense mechanism ” ….what kind of defence mechanism is this ? Please explain. I have been put down before so want to make sense of it.
just speaking from personal experience (hoping this is not too late!), an immature boy will use your weaknesses as a defense mechanism for his faults and make it seem like the problem was caused by you. its a psychological reflex for a weak mind that tries to blame everything on the people around him such as his partner.
all love and good luck!
waow that so sounds like my girlfriend
Oh? So boys are supposed to base their growth on what a woman wants or what a woman wants from them? When you really think about it, it’s not fair to both species to think that way. I believe that when you stop growing you lose purpose in life; therefore, becomming a “grown man” suggests their is nothing left for him to learn. For example: if a man is sixty years old and not settled down yet kudos to him, he may be sampling medicinal plants in Cuba somewhere. Plus women are the last minorities to gain freedom. Don’t you… Read more »
The article says that only Boys want to hook up. I’m a grown ass man and I love to hook up. Also why is hooking up looked down upon. I thought men were supposed to live their lives as they see fit.
“I don’t find the article condescending, myself. I probably would if I were you, though.” …. yawn, if it is not obvious by now Ed I’m not going to be drawn into your attempts to play the man not the ball … your attempts to continually try and attack me and refer me back to my own words (which is what I mean by the infinite loop) … Back to the article 🙂 I find the article offensive for three main reasons: (1) Use of two sweeping generalisations “Boy” and “Man”? That the billions of men on the planet can… Read more »
The “infinite loop” is a trap that can’t be set. It can only be fallen into.
Do you think your post was written in a condescending tone or not?
I don’t find the article condescending, myself. I probably would if I were you, though.
Nice try Ed but you’re not going to get out of it that easily. Another item in Ed’s bag of tricks … the infinite loop … just keep referring your opponent back on himself. And the “attack is the best form of defence” …. Just keep attacking without actually adding anything of value, without addressing any of the points your opponent raises. Actually, if anyone is sealioning, it is you my friend! The only person you make look silly is yourself Ed. So, back to the actual argument, do you think this article is written in a condescending tone or… Read more »
And by the way, you wanted “you’re” throughout most of that blustering diatribe where you used “your.” Not that it’ll help it make any sense.
Ed, I’ve noticed something about your posts. Everything you’ve thrown at me is just an attempt at misdirection. You’re trying to play the man, not the ball. You’re trying to attack me as a person rather than actually addressing the arguments that I put forward. In short, you’re playing dirty and constructing paper tiger arguments. Here are some of the tactics you’re using: (*) “Name and Shame” …. Throw a bunch of derogatory labels at me … MRA, NotAllMen, Sealioning … None of which actually fit. There is also an element of scatter-gunning, throw a heap of accusations at the… Read more »
Same superiority. They have to put down men who disagree as little boys. That way they get to be the real men. It’s rather sad, really.
Supercilious blustering deconstructs itself.
You have voluntarily put yourself in a position in which your hypocrisy, equivocation, and dissimulation are indeed the issue. Nobody made you do it; you’re stuck. Just as you expect to get away with flubbing basic English in a diatribe impugning another’s intellect, you expect to criticize another for “talking down” in a post in which your own arrogance stinks to high heaven. You’re delightfully unaware of the paradox it presents you. It’s cute, in a sort of clumsy puppy-paw way, the way you fumble about for the illusion of an objective validation of what is nothing more than your… Read more »
Ed, those three posts did nothing to help your case, you are making even less sense than you were before! OK, from what I can gather from your last three posts, you seem to think that your comment “What makes you think anyone cares if you get your feathers ruffled?” is your strongest argument, the one that I apparently have no answer for? Really? Are you serious? The “no one cares what you think” retort is one of the oldest arguing strategies in the book and is a classic example of playing the man not the ball. It tries to… Read more »
To mod: it looked as if my replies had been lost in the ether, then I saw all three pending approval. The one at 3:15 is the one I’d prefer to submit, or the one at 4:17, otherwise.
You claim you don’t understand the question “What makes you think anyone cares if you get your feathers ruffled?” Seriously? You just don’t have an answer for it. That’s all.
As to my age, it’s no more relevant than yours. It is utterly hypocritical for you to whine about Adam’s arrogance once you have made an egregious display of your own in telling a woman she has no business going out. That would be true whether you’re 16 or 60. I suppose you don’t think that was a personal insult. The hypocrisy is redolent.
Ed, I’m not exactly sure how to respond as you’re not making a great deal of sense.
And I’m not exactly sure whether I’m talking with a boy in the literal sense of the word either! How old are you?
Try to take a few deep breaths and construct a rational, logical argument. Without childish name calling and personal insults.
There can be no point in pursuing a point with a fellow who pretends he can’t understand the question “What makes you think anyone cares if you get your feathers ruffled?” Come back when you can say something that can be taken seriously.
Ah, the whines that “I get offended” and the usual demand that the blog go after women in equal time. It has the pong of MRA butthurt about it. Not to mention sealioning. And the stale, stale, stale “not all men” silliness. … http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/746/676/584.jpg Nick, if you don’t do any of the “boyish” things in the list, what makes you assume that it is referencing you? And frankly, what makes you think anyone cares if your feathers get ruffled? Seriously? When you assert yourself as the audience (especially when the article is obviously addressed to women) your assertion of Adam’s… Read more »
Here’s an example of an article that does not ruffle my feathers at all.
The article is also addressed to women and it points out healthy behaviours in men. But it does it without shaming men or making the author look like an arrogant d*ckhead
http://jamesmsama.com/2015/03/24/10-signs-hes-a-keeper/
Oh, and if it wasn’t clear from my last post, the problem I have with this article is that it’s written with the wrong tone. I feel preached at, demonised and talked down to. Let’s break down the article. First is the title … “9 Signs You’re Dating a Man, Not a Boy” … Yikes! That is some great click bait, but unfortunately it is not very kind to men. It uses two big stereotypical labels … MAN and BOY and assumes that the great diversity of men on the planet can be thrown into either bucket. Not a great… Read more »
I don’t think calling yourself a “MAN” is about putting yourself on a pedestal so much as enjoying your gender and the qualities you want to embody as your gender. I enjoy being a woman and reveling in those feminine qualities. I don’t want to be referred to as masculine, I enjoy being referred to as feminine. Not that there is anything wrong with being a more masculine women, it’s just not how I want to feel. I also find it strange that you correlate criticizing men as the same as tearing them down. We can never again have an… Read more »
I didn’t say that it is wrong to use the labels man or woman. Like yourself reveling in feminine qualities, I too am enjoying my masculine qualities. I was raised by two women (my Grandma and Mother) and for most of my life had a very strong feminine energy. In the last few years I’ve been balancing things out more and really enjoying connecting to my masculine energies. Reading GMP is one of the ways I’ve been connecting more to the masculine. So I’m not saying that the label “man” is wrong, I am saying that the author writes with… Read more »
Okay, I think I understand your perspective better and I think we probably agree more then we disagree. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
Oh and Nick, you are one of the reasons I come to GMP – to hear men be authentic, working to grow just like I’m, to work together, to communicate and to learn/discover things about you guys that isn’t always mainstream dinner table conversation.
Thanks Erin 🙂 I felt that we both heard each other and had a mature and productive discussion.
I agree Erin. You could change a few words, here and there, and yes, communication, being present for each other, and being willing to make the right choices, though difficult, it can easily be gender neutral. It didn’t come off as attacking at all, but it definitely sounds like what “all” women, I know, would call a “man”, in the essense of “relationship material”. If it has bruised a few egos, that is their own insecurities. If you don’t agree with it, fine. Enough with all the negativity. I believe so many women are chiming in because that is very… Read more »
I’ve read some good articles on GMP, such as “Escaping the Man Box”. These are the kind of articles that help me to understand why I am the way I am, and how I can grow. These articles come from a place of understanding and empathy. They are framed as constructive feedback rather than preaching and condescension. Another great resource is the movie “The Mask You Live In”. One of the professionals in the film talks about the “Great setup” …. where boys are raised to deny their emotions (especially empathy) and get into their man box …. then society… Read more »
Goodness! The push back to this article is ridiculous. I don’t get it. Man or woman, who wouldn’t want to embody the qualities that were addressed in the article? Who here doesn’t want to be a clear communicator? Who here doesn’t think it’s good advice to invest your energy into the right person and not the wrong ones? Who here is really opposed to sincere compliments designed to make another feel good vs ones that are simply made to get something from someone else? Who here doesn’t think it’s a worthy goal to build a future with the person they… Read more »
Sign that you are a little girl and not a woman – Defending diatribe that shames men.
It is not “shaming” to point out negative behaviors vs positive behaviors and tell either gender what they should look out for to help them have the healthier kind of relationships they may be seeking. Although I realize on the internets that “you’re shaming me!” is a popular battle cry anytime something is said that makes someone else feel uncomfortable. Because heaven-forbid we have personal opinions around what we believe is “good” or “healthy” behavior vs “bad” or “unhealthy” behavior, least we make someone feel bad. And just a nod to the first point of this article to show how… Read more »
Tit for tat…very mature.
Erin – It is not what Adam says, it is how he says it. It is the preaching, demonising and condescending tone that he takes. My two comments further below explain why I feel that way.
Pfft…you mean the same way men mansplain EVERYTHING to women? It’s not pleasant when men talk down to you..is it? Huh. INteresting.
I think GMP may well become my new litmus test for dating. Can a man read 3 articles and not go ballistic, angrily reasserting his masculinity with vehement protest? If so, there’s a good chance he’s worked through enough of his insecurities to be a decent partner.
Another great article, GMP. Thank you much.
Hi! Random single woman here. I just happened upon this site and this article and I think it’s great! It perfectly illustrates in an ideal world what a “man” does and it certainly does help us women sort out the good from the bad. For the men that are butt hurt over, well, women, there’s the lack of maturity showing itself. For starters, there are plenty of magazines, print and online, that “advise” women on what they should and shouldn’t be doing so don’t act like women are somehow getting away with something. We constantly receive messaging that reiterates that… Read more »
And women don’t have their growing up to do?
Fallacy of Relative Privation.
If James was using a fallacy of relative privation he would say something like “how can we talk about ‘9 Signs You’re Dating a Man, Not a Boy’ when there is so much violence against women!” The fallacy of relative privation is about making something small in relation to a “bigger issue”. I don’t read James comment as saying that “women have their own growing up to do” is a BIGGER ISSUE than men “men have their own growing up to do”. Whilst I can’t claim to read minds, I believe that James is saying that the article lacks balance.… Read more »
Absolutely Nick. It absolutely looks balance. If it is fine to say this about men, then there needs to be an article about how women needs to grow up as well. I am tired of men being blamed for everything.
Use of a Fallacy, fallacy
Aaaaaargh. This is “The good MEN Project” not the Good men AND women project”. The writer is directing this at men, not women. We have our own work to do but it’s not here. You want us to stay out of mens spaces while they work through their shit but as soon as a man confronts you all with your own stuff you start calling on us! Try not feeling so vicitimized every time someone constructively criticises you. And yes, women need to work on that one too…happy?
This article uses “boy” as shorthand for an unsorted, amorphous lump of stereotypes and unwanted behaviours which have nothing at all to do with maturity. In this it manages both to perpetuate an ageist stereotype and completely mishandle any possible points there were to be made, in addition to being self-congratulatory and clickbaity. There’s nothing about any of these points that indicate “maturity”. Many of the points are more indicative of youth than advanced age, if any correlation is to be made. There’s also no magical threshold where those of a masculine persuasion cross over from boyhood to manhood –… Read more »
Of course it is. All articles of this type are. Someone writing about other men in this sort of tone obviously isn’t considering himself one of the “boys”. It is pure self-aggrandisement.
Well said OirishM!
How is it self aggrandisement? Maybe it’s just knowing that he is not a boy anymore…he did actually admit to the behaviours he was speaking of if you read it correctly, so it’s not like he is saying he’s never been a boy before. So many defensive “men’ here.
Agreed that we are always regressing and progressing as men, but if you want to be a man – then you should be taking one step backward and three steps forward. As a man grows older, he begins to understand more fully the consequences his actions have on others (women in particular) – so yes, I do believe that as men get older they are more chivalrous, brave, strong. Certainly not all men get there – and this article is written as an “ideal” look on maturity – but that was the whole point. It’s something we can all strive… Read more »
Women need to progress just as much as men. This is another in a long line of GMP articles that blame men for everything and absolve women of any and all responsibility.
There are plenty of messages out there, from a host of sources, that tell women who to be. In fact, Ochs and Taylor’s studies on dinnertime discourse suggest that women aren’t just getting messages on who to be from the media. The frequency with which women are problematized at the dinner table by their husbands, *in front of their children*, is staggering when compared to how often men find themselves in the hotseat. A woman’s role as subservient and inadequate is reinforced and the kids learn that women are inferior to men. And it’s so ideologically embedded, they don’t even… Read more »
Men are not responsible for every evil in the world. It is also OK for men to stand up for themselves.
Yes we do, but we are talking about men in THIS conversation. Why is that so hard for people like you to work out. Just because the writer focusses on one gender does not mean it excludes the other from the same thing…and this is “the Good MEN Project” isn’t it? I take that to mean that the writers here are trying to help men interested in becoming better men…not women becoming better women.
Adam, thanks for this list. This is the kind of man I am certainly looking to invite into my life. And in return, these are the qualities I want to give him in return. Thank you!
You are so very welcome Erin!
Are you a ‘scared little boy’ who won’t respond the criticism of your article and only the praise? Or are you a man?
This article was written for single women to justify why their last relationship went so sour. Don’t get offended by it. The only positive comments you’ll find here are from single woman, if that doesn’t explain everything to you then I don’t know what will. The types of women who read these articles have emotional issues and are insecure.
You mean by “Emotional issues” that we have emotions, right? Well, yeah…and yeah, everyone is insecure…including you from the sounds of it.
I didn’t see you offering any thought other than purely egging me on. Please, feel free to offer perspective and I’d be happy to monitor.
Monitor – as in – keep an eye out, so that I can respond to your response. (not monitor – as in deleting it)
Just because people disagree with you does not make criticism of your article invalid.
Adam, way I see it OirishM punched holes in your arguments with his first comment. He was presenting a good case, he was not egging you on at all.
For example, how can a boy be running away from rejection when he is out chasing tail all night? Seems logically inconsistent to me and worth addressing.
And how do you respond to my comments below (the two longer ones) regarding the tone of your article? Or do you think I’m egging you on too
Yes he is running away from rejection. It means he refuses to open up emotionally, his passuons, ambostions, fears. When he is in a relationship he opens up himself including his flaws. He escape from it because he is afraid of rejection. He is insecure and low self esteem. He thinks he is not able to be loved and goes for superficial things.
You took the meaning of the word ‘rejection’ to mean that boys never face rejection from girls about getting laid. He was clearly talking about the rejection within a relationship. You’d have to have had a mature one to know what he’s really on about though, so maybe that’s why?