An etiquette advice columnist who offers guidance about ways to reveal family secrets comes out of his own dark and scary closet in which he lived for fifty years.
—
On my way home from work last night, I tuned in as I often do, to my local NPR station (WHYY in Philadelphia) and listened to a show called Tell Me More, hosted by the dynamic Michel Martin. She is an insightful interviewer who asks tough questions with a tender heart. In one segment called Behind Closed Doors, her guest was Steven Petrow known as “Mr. Manners”, who has penned five books on the topic including Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life; The New Gay Wedding: A Practical Primer for Brides and Grooms, Their Families and Guests; When Someone You Know Has AIDS: A Practical Guide; and the upcoming Mind Your Digital Manners: Navigating Life in an Age Without Rules. He is also is an etiquette columnist who writes for Parade, the Huffington Post, Everyday Health and the Washington Post.
The catalyst for this coming out (since he came out as an openly Gay man prior) was a bout with cancer and reading a line from The Last First Day by novelist Carrie Brown: “If I can’t ever tell anyone the true story . . . then no one will ever know me.”
|
In his professional role, he has offered ideas for moving through questions for the LGBTQ-challenged, such as how to address a partner’s parents (are they in-laws?), the PC way to refer to a same sex relationship and how to tell family and friends that a child has come out. Family secrets are part and parcel of the paradigm.
Heart racing, Petrow recently made a courageous choice to reveal a secret he had been carrying for the past five decades; that he had been molested by his grandfather when he was 8 years old. He recently told his story in a piece for the Washington Post, entitled “Could I reveal my secret and tell the real story of my life?” The catalyst for this coming out (since he came out as an openly Gay man prior) was a bout with cancer and reading a line from The Last First Day by novelist Carrie Brown: “If I can’t ever tell anyone the true story . . . then no one will ever know me.”
◊♦◊
Like many abuse survivors, he felt a tremendous sense of shame and guilt that bled into other area of his life. He attempted to reveal his experiences with those he thought he could trust and in one case in particular, it back fired when a former lover threatened to blackmail him with the information in order to pressure him into reconciling the relationship. Even in a therapist’s office, he couldn’t bring himself to verbalize the words, so he wrote them down and read them aloud and once he did, the healing could begin. He told his family, who unlike many loved ones of abuse survivors, believed him and were supportive. I was heartened to hear that his mother, a retired social worker affirmed that sexual abuse is all too often hidden away.
In the beginning stages of his ‘confessional’, Petrow had a prophetic dream that I applauded when he shared it on the show. His 8 year old self was in school and his grandfather came looking for someone else to molest and chose a female friend of his. This young girl refused to go with him. Her defiance in the dream was a wake up call for him, when another friend with whom he shared the nocturnal drama reminded him that Charlotte was an aspect of himself that had the resources and gumption to stand up to his grandfather.
◊♦◊
In an interview with Petrow, we delved further into his experiences:
Now that you have revealed that secret, how has it effected your life and the lives of others you encounter?
A friend asked me last night what the reaction had been and I told him, “100 percent positive and supportive.” Oh, except for one poster on the Washington Post site who suggested I was having a ‘pity party.’ Honestly, I’ve been amazed by the collective embrace, especially since I know not everyone’s so fortunate. I’ve also received a significant number of emails from others holding a similar secret. They’ve been in turn heartbreaking and mind-blowing. I actually hadn’t thought through beforehand how to respond in a personal and meaningful way to these folks. Basically, I’m just listening and letting them know that I hear them. I know I found that to be very helpful to me along my way.
I think I’m still shedding feeling like a ‘victim’ and taking on the ‘survivor’ hat. But I know that I am a survivor.
|
Is there a sense of freedom?
Before the interview NPR’s Michel Martin wrote me: “Free at last.” Indeed, but freedom still comes in steps, granted this is a big one. In a
certain way, I’m reminded of a friend, previously morbidly obese, who had lap-band surgery and soon lost a significant amount of weight. One day she told me: “I still feel like a fat person inside even though I don’t look like one anymore.” I get that better now. I think I’m still shedding feeling like a ‘victim’ and taking on the ‘survivor’ hat. But I know that I am a survivor.
Since there is a particular stigma attached for male survivors, does it feel even more empowering that you did speak out?
One thing that was so helpful to me was to have role models; other men who have spoken out about being molested. Among my heroes:
NBC’s Thomas Roberts, CNN’s Don Lemon and actor/comic Tom Arnold. It makes such a difference to know that you’re not alone.
◊♦◊
One of the questions Michel had asked during the interview remained with me and with Petrow’s consent, I am re-printing the response.
MICHEL: Now, I have to ask a difficult question. And the reason I’m asking is that I’m feeling that other people are probably having this question themselves. There are people who draw a direct line between being molested and being gay. They think either you were molested because you were gay or that you are gay because you were molested. And I have to ask whether you think that concern about that thought process is part of what kept this hidden.
PETROW: I appreciate the question, first of all. And I guess let me try to answer it this way. When this happened, I was 8 years old. I was a little boy. I was a nonsexual little boy who was a towhead and could barely write in cursive.
I don’t think what happened had anything to do with my sexual orientation. I think that pedophilia is a very – well, I know that pedophilia is a very different – it’s a mental condition. Homosexuality is no longer a mental condition as it was actually back in that day. And that it’s not a choice. It’s not a result of what happens to you. It’s, you know, it’s who you are.
I was born that way – the gay way. But I understand that there’s, you know – there’s confusion and sometimes people make – mistakenly make the link between a pedophile, like my grandfather, and gay folks. They’re really very different as I know you know.
What message would you like to offer to other abuse survivors?
I really don’t feel that I am in a position to give advice on this issue, even though I’m an advice columnist! If anything, the most
important thing is to make sure you’re safe, physically and psychologically. And if you choose to disclose your secret, do it on your own terms, when you’re ready.
When Petrow did eventually open the creaky door to the closet that contained his secret, a friend lovingly shared with him that life was a continual act of coming out. Revealing the real, is perhaps what we are all here to do.
Bless you Steven for turning on the light, stepping out of the confined space and leading the way for others to do the same.
Photo credit: Robert Dodge