(Re)Defining Promiscuity: An Exclusive GMP Survey
Five.
According to AskMen.com, that is the number of sexual partners which magically transforms a woman from saintly into scandalous.
Really?
Like my good friend over at Dirty in Public, I took umbrage with this factoid. At best, it lacked context. Surely the same standard of expectation shouldn’t apply equally across the generations: an active twenty-one year old is unlikely to have accumulated the same number of sexual partners as someone twice their age. Shouldn’t there be a sliding scale of salaciousness?
At worst I found this number not just facile and unrealistic, but sexist and misogynistic. In the year 2011 A.D., could such Victorian attitudes on sexuality still permeate our collective consciousness?
From some of the comments on this article, apparently the answer is: yes.
From the latin word prōmiscuus, the original definition for promiscuity carried a base meaning of “indiscriminate (sexual) choice.” This would imply that (at least originally) promiscuity was meant to apply not so much in the quantitative–the actual number of people engaged sexually, as in the qualitative–a lack of careful choices regarding sexual partners.
As a point of reference, my best friend is married to a rockstar, and before matrimony, he behaved as celebrities are wont to do. Rockstar privilege allowed him to explore the kind of opportunities that are reserved for precious few, but despite wanton indulgence, circumstance allowed him the ability to be extremely discriminating when choosing bedmates.
Does his behavior still qualify as promiscuous? By the above definition, I’m unsure.
Which raises the issue of the double-standard. Despite the (seemingly) universal desire for sex, society still lionizes heterosexual men for the same licentious behavior women are stigmatized for. This creates a cultural paradox: a premium is placed on female sexuality which is meant to be admired but never enjoyed. The resultant conflicting messages create a culture of confusion: be sexy, but don’t actually be sexual, or you’re subject to public lampoon.
While I’d like to believe we’ve made actual progress towards gender equality, the scientific method dictates that first you collect data, then you form hypothesis. So what makes someone, male or female, promiscuous?
Take this exclusive, anonymous Good Men Project survey, and tell us. We’ll report back on our findings in a week.
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photo: Flickr Creative Commons
About Jackie Summers
Why should this surprise you? Dozens of women on the earlier Slutwalk and promiscuity-themed articles on GMP said that, yes, a great number of men are actively slut shaming… but of course all the men in those comments said most slut shaming comes from women. Well, obviously here is evidence to the contrary.
Anon, the survey is yielding some interesting results. By the time this is done we should have some interesting data on what segments are responsible for the hypocrisy.
JFB
The number should be correlated to an age. For a 45 year old to have had 30 partners might not be that many, but a 25 year old with the same number would indicate a much higher pursuit of a variety of sexual partners. Its not just the raw number, but how the number relates to the persons age.
Another factor in the numbers game is how many of those partners are recent. that same 25 year old with thirty partners may settle down and get married to one person for 15 years leaving them with 31 partners at 40. Following a divorce however, they may let their hair down and rack up another 10 or 20 partners before settling down again. is there such a thing as an occasionally promiscuous person?
I think that where a person is currently is more important than their number when considering a partner for an exclusive long term relationship. Its not how many people you have been with in the past that matters, it’s whether or not you want to be exclusive now.
And let’s not kid ourselves, quantity does have some say in the matter, most of us are not rock stars and so to accumulate a high number, a certain flexibility of standard is necessary. And even for those who are – sleeping with someone who is sleeping with you because you are a rock star isn’t exactly a high standard.
John I happen to agree; the scale should slide to adjust for age, and after a certain number it’s hard to claim “discriminate.” Also your note of “occasionally promiscuous” is interesting; I personally don’t believe one branded, always thus. I’m curious as to what the results of the survey will yield.
JFB
Right. Little interest in screwing borderline personalities here. Groupies are scary.
Are you suggesting you have groupies? *guffaw*
No, I’m suggesting you do.
Groupies ARE scary, but I’d argue it’s easy to say what one would or would not do when not presented with the option. Were I in his shoes, I can’t claim I’d do differently, and maybe a question for another survey.
JFB
I don’t think it can be boiled down to a number. There’s a difference between these people, even though they might have the same number:
Feels shame about sex, but enjoys it. Likes to go out and get drunk to avoid responsibility.
Enjoys sex, and has casual sex with several friends. Keeps in touch with these friends when in a relationship.
Sees sex as a game. Reads seduction literature and tries to manipulate people’s insecurities to increase number of partners.
I would have very different concerns about dating each of these individuals.
Ryan, your definition seems to be in line with the original meaning of the word. The difference between highly sexual and promiscuous seems to be the difference between farther and further. A surface study of behavior isn’t relevant unless the underlying motivations are examined.
JFB
Okay so I’m a woman 41 who has a lot of sex. I’m single and I like to have sex. I’m mindful and careful and discriminate, but I like to have sex and if I’m not in a relationship I don’t see a problem with not having sex. I wouldn’t call myself promiscuous at all. I just like to have sex. I don’t pick up random guys or go to bars. I generally have a rule about sleeping w/someone after I’ve had too much to drink, which rarely happens. I think the definition needs to change with the times. With people staying single longer and well into their 40s, something happens when a woman turns 40. At least it did for me. I had some sex in my 20s and then none in my 30s and I can’t tell you how much better it is now. NOW it’s about me. “They may call me a sinner, but I’m at peace with myself.” – Anonymous
Anonymous, I think you’re right. Either we need a more accurate reflection of society, or we need to change society to reflect our image. In any case, so far survey participants largely agree with you. Look for a detailed analysis next week.
JFB
So what I learned from the survey is: Some people assume a number equals a label.
That is not how I think at all. At the very least I can label past behavior but not at all assume to predict the future.
CSM, I’m certain you’re familiar with Matthew 7:1,2: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Clearly you understand not just the words but their spirit. A refreshing change of pace.
JFB
I just don’t believe promiscuity exists. It’s just another way to shame individuals. Sure, the word ‘promiscuity’ exists, but then you’d have to look at the history of the word and why it exists in the first place.
Amber, if you’re saying we need to abandon outdated social memes, I’m with you 100%.
JFB
Exactly.
Promiscuity = 1950s word. I frequently feel that GMP (in spite of the wisdom of Tom, Henry etc.) is written for late adolescent men. How should I define [concept?] What should the correct [behavior] be? I haven’t cared about many of the concepts here since the early 60s. It’s like the silly age range dating articles that get published here every week or so.
Actually Henry, promiscuity is a 16th century word, which still permeates much of the mindset of our culture, 500 years after its inception. While it’s true that every generation asks the same questions–as if anything was new under the sun–adolescent thinkers have to learn how to become good men somewhere. It might as well be here.
JFB
I agree 100% with this article and I am interested in the outcome of the survey. I think we should take into account the number, the age and the reasoning for the choices.
I think about the fact that some people would be promiscuous if given the opportunity but lack opportunity. I think people get too wrapped up in labels and definitions. Instead of focusing on getting to know a person. The number of persons a person has had sex with, as well as who they have sex with can be an indication of decision making skills and personal beliefs and views. That does not mean you should base whether you deal with a person soley on number of partners.
I like that we are talking about this.
MsMelony, so far initial survey results reveal that all of those factors and more come into play. Your point about opportunity is also quite valid: it’s easy to claim moral high ground when temptation ignores you. And yes, having the discussion publicly helps deflate any validity to their argument.
JFB
I think the word “promiscuous” is archaic and should be retired. If it is to be used, then using an absolute number for it is a poor way to measure it, if the word is supposed to mean “indiscriminant” or “not picky.”
First of all, having lots of sex partners does not necessarily mean the person has low standards. Some people are sexy enough they can be very discriminating and still have a very active sex life. Others like me may suffer long droughts in which desperation overrides a lot of self-respect. Just arithmetic here: you can’t tell how discriminating someone is based on the number of times she says yes without looking at the number of times she says no.
Second of all, I’ve known many people who lost their virginity to people they did not even like, really, people they knew were just not very good choices and they did it anyway. They just wanted to do it. Ironically, I would call that promiscuous even though their number going in was zero.
P.S. Another question is how spread out the partners are. Five partners in five years, or five partners in the week since our first date? Makes a huge difference…..
Anonymous, I agree: concepts of promiscuity are badly outdated, as are idea on gender equality. You also make valid points about what does and doesn’t constitute “discriminating.” Clearly, a number alone is insufficient data to make such a determination.
JFB
It implausable to me that askmen.com is of any authority on any social matter, especially concerning women when their entire site is engendered toward misogyny and patriarchal hodgepodge. Why would anyone be surprised in them authenticating their stance on what classifies a woman promiscuous? They’re not knocking ‘em into left field here.
Great survey Jacks. And I loved Mister X. Such candid discussion. Wonderful job on both.
FW, as implausible at it may seem, their audience is vast. All the more reason to take their theories to task, publicly. The thoughts here may not change the minds of those entrenched in misogynistic thinking, but it gives those who debase gender inequality a higher platform upon which to unitedly raise their voices.
Thank you for your comment ,-)
Jacks
A notoriously sexist website publishes a sexist survey??? Insane!
The only people who take AskMen.com seriously are the insecure alpha males and post-grad frat boys.
I can’t believe anybody would take this survey seriously, let alone write such a self-important response.
Rob, belief systems notwithstanding, the influence of such a highly-trafficked site can’t be overlooked. The fact that it creates insecurity in some and reinforces it in others makes it exactly the kind of subject worthy of debate in a place where concepts of what it means to be “a good man” are respectfully explored. As long as outdated social memes are proliferated by media outlets such as theirs, media outlets such as THIS can and should debunk their arguments.
JFB
Does promiscuity have something to do with being indiscriminate? Just asking.
i think that depends on who you ask, and is the essential question we are trying to determine.
JFB
To assign a given number for a given age leads to misguided & arbitrary labels & judgements IMO. If you pick fifty partners for forty year olds as being promiscuous, then does that mean a forty year old w/ forty nine partners is not promiscuous? Just seems like sticks & stones to me, which I quit doing back in grade school. As long as she is STD free then who she has slept with before me is for her to know & for me to care less about. For me to worry about the path a woman took to get to me waste time & energy that could be spent on more productive & entertaining endeavors. ~Mukphly
Mukphly, I couldn’t agree more, and your sentiment seems to be reflected in our survey. We should have some interesting results to report next week.
Jackie
Okay, so here are my thoughts on the matter… I don’t like the word “promiscuous” because it implies a label. I don’t think it’s a good idea to reduce someone to a single word that doesn’t capture how complex life is. On the other hand, if someone’s behavior consistently goes against a moral code, whether that code is “be honest” or “don’t cheat” or “don’t try to seduce someone in a relationship” or “don’t manipulate emotions to get laid” – and if they are unrepentant about that behavior – I think it’s perfectly fine to be nice but to remove yourself from their company.
The word “promiscuous” doesn’t represent a sexual history, it represents a present state of mind, a present and consistent behavior. For that reason, I think you can have a history of sexual relationships without it meaning that you are a “promiscuous person.” And – here it comes – I think you can be a virgin and still be promiscuous. For example: last semester I took two classes with a girl who is in my same social circles. The classes were small – about 10-15 students sitting around a round table. Instead of focusing on what the professor was saying, she would focus on catching the eyes of the men in the room – it didn’t matter whom – and sticking out her chest as prominently as possible to get boys to stare. This happened during every single class for months, for 2.5 hours at a time. It didn’t matter who was looking, as long as it was someone. Among our social circles (a religious campus ministry) and she advertizes the fact that she is a virgin… in some sense, it seems as though she uses her virginity to get boys’ attention, knowing that guys think that it’s hot.
I would define that as more promiscuous that someone who has had several sexual partners, over the course of several serious relationships, but isn’t concerned about whether every boy in the room is fantasizing about her or not. I guess – does sexuality come with love and commitment, or does it come from vanity and a desire to seduce? The latter is how I would define a person with a promiscuous mindset.
Full disclosure: I am a 23 year-old woman in a 3-year-long relationship, and I am a virgin. I intend for it to stay that way until I get married. My boyfriend is cool with it, and wants the same thing for himself.