Whatever part of yourself you’re hiding from the world, it’s holding you back from opening the door to your life.
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When I was younger I didn’t know what being in the closet meant intellectually, but emotionally I got it loud and clear. I was aware that I was somehow different, and that those differences were more of a problem — not a blessing. Like most kids, I wanted others to love me and I quickly learned that my best hope for that would come from hiding my differences, not celebrating them. And since it seemed to work I stuck with that approach with family and friends, and later added co-workers, business associates, and just about everyone else who happened into my life.
Like many gay kids from my generation I struggled with revealing myself as a complete, authentic person.
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Like many gay kids from my generation I struggled with revealing myself as a complete, authentic person. It seemed easier to lock that important part of who I was in the closet, choosing to be both an outsider and an imposter to the world. I opted for the common sense approach and turned myself into a make believe boy, a make believe teenager and ultimately, a make believe man. I had mistakenly concluded that to be loved I needed to protect others from knowing the real me. Looking back I realize that this decision — made by a confused and frightened little boy — missed the simple but profound truth that to be loved as me, required me to be me.
For a long time I thought “the closet” was invented for gay kids, but I now know that I had plenty of company among the coat hangers. As it turned out, it wasn’t just me, but just about everyone I knew had hidden part of who they were in an attempt to please others, meet expectations and be accepted and loved. I wasn’t the only little kid who had sensed that people were less interested in who I was and more excited about who they wanted me to be. So intuitively and innocently, I stepped inside looking for safety and then slammed the door shut, feeling more scared and alone than ever!
Some chose the closet rather than let others see their sensitive, vulnerable side. Some chose to play sports when what they really wanted to do was paint pictures. Many boys toughened up and learned not to cry rather than be called a “sissy”. And plenty of little girls chose to be cute, and later sexy, rather than the bold and daring person they really were.
And we all know how many of us were taught that growing up meant abandoning our passions and our dreams to pursue practical, more financially rewarding careers. I now understand that I wasn’t alone at all. The closet was jammed packed with wonderful, beautiful, gifted kids of all shapes, inclinations and sizes just looking to be loved.
I guess some would think that it was good news that the closet wasn’t so much about sexuality. But for me, the good news was that I found my way out. For me, a crucial turning point was witnessing and identifying with the “coming out” episode on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. She was bold, socially provocative and pretty gutsy, and it got me thinking about my own life. I didn’t suddenly fling open the door and step out into the sunlight; I was a grownup now and things were much more complicated.
I could see that even for Ellen, coming out meant risking a career, losing endorsement deals and a potential shift in public perception that would very likely “teach her a lesson” about being real. And from where I stood, the lesson probably wasn’t going to be very nice, and that, more than anything, made me hesitate about leaving the coats behind.
I knew from watching Ellen’s coming-out life unfold that there would be consequences, but there were also many rewards.
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But as I waited and watched Ellen I saw the power of authenticity. Sure it was messy, unpredictable, and probably pretty painful too, but it was done with such grace, dignity and self-respect that I began to feel bolder myself. In my case, I knew leaving the closet would be a challenge, not just for me but for everyone who thought they knew the real me. Coming out would mean telling the truth to my loving wife, my children, friends, co-workers, and, as the CEO of a large nonprofit, my board of directors. Terrifying risks were involved.
I knew from watching Ellen’s coming-out life unfold that there would be consequences, but there were also many rewards. I discovered that the real me was not only loving and loveable, but also more alive, more creative and more engaging and fun to be around. And I saw clearly that when it came to living a passionate and purposeful life, the real me had some serious lost time to make up for.
So I took the handle, turned it slowly, pushed the creaking door open and stepped out into the light. And if you haven’t already realize the moral of the story, consider this your official new year’s invitation. If you’re recognizing that you’ve hidden some part of yourself in the closet, here are a few things I’ve learned that might help.
- I’ve learned that the things we’ve hidden are some of our most important, unique and beautiful attributes.
- I’ve learned that coming out late may not better, but late beats never any day.
- I’ve learned that coming out has plenty of risks, and not everyone’s going to like the real you, but life is filled with risk and not everyone likes you anyway!
- I’ve learned that sometimes the love we want and need the most comes from within.
- I’ve learned that being yourself is not only your right, it’s your reason for being here.
- And most of all, I’ve learned that telling a story is easy, but living your authentic story takes courage, and when we step out we discover we are brave enough.
Now, through the wonders of social media and my Begin with Yes book and Facebook page so many wonderful people have come into my life. And although I may never meet them face-to-face, they’ve been open, willing and brave enough to meet me heart-to-heart. They continue to share personal stories of their own challenges and breakthroughs and how they’ve decided to come out of their own closets and bravely reclaim what was their birthright — authenticity!
In the end, we each get to decide for ourselves the right time to come out. But I believe if you can see the light under the door and your hand is on the handle, now might just be your moment!
P.S. A special thank you goes out to Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. Thank you for publicly placing your brick on the sunlit path toward justice. Your story will inspire many more bricks to get placed along the path by all who accept your invitation to live a truthful, open and authentic life. This is my brick.
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Photo: Flickr/Seth Sawyers
Such an amazing, supportive man! Loved the article!
Hi Paul, thanks for a wonderful essay. I’m so glad to read what you said about the many ways we all need to come out. That is one of the interesting things I discovered in my own journey. I generally express it this way: once I opened the “gay” closet door to come out, I discovered there were dozens more closet doors behind that one. The rest of my life has been mostly about opening the other doors too. Like you say, it’s a scary journey, but worth the effort. Thanks for the many ways you encourage and enrich the… Read more »
Thanks for the light you shine on us all Paul, I look forward daily to your inspiring posts.
XooX mo
I stumbled upon Paul’s Facebook page and became enchanted. Good stuff. A word about “authenticity”. It seems to be all the rage nowadays. Be yourself. Be authentic. Be true. All that is wonderful advice and falls solidly under the “easier said than done” category. For me, finding or acknowledging my “authentic” self is a near impossible task. It has little to nothing to do with sexuality. It has to do with navigating through the world of people I have known for decades and people I must interact with in the business world. It has to do with burying whatever is… Read more »
Ken, You are correct, it is not easy. I decided last year, at 59, that I would become more open to the world and to possibility. I started playing the french horn, joined a band, took a creative writing class, officiated at a wedding, etc.
I said “yes” one small step at a time. Paul’s Facebook posts keep me inspired. You can start small. I will bet that your life will slowly change …….. for the better. I hope this was helpful
Thank you so much for this wonderful post. I had only been reading your posts on Facebook and didn’t know your backstory. Of course the wisdom and grace you share on Facebook is usually only found through great struggles and journeys. Thank you for providing hope and light in often dark days!!!!
Wow what great read. I’ll be saving this to help others who are in the process of becong their very best
Thanks
Shawn
Paul,…..I love your site …”Begin with Yes”……..so positive, encouraging…..and I could go on and on….I respect you so much……for being the real you……The courage you have and took hold of it…and not being afraid anymore…….We are all afraid I guess of what …..They will think????……..I haven’t been that way ……I love being my self…….I have a lot of wonderful, friends and God, has blessed me in many ways…….I’m not gay…….but, I can understand……….I praise you for all the good you do……..positive energy……….and being you……..God bless my friend……….Melba….
After reading this article I feel encouraged to go ahead with another small step forward … to open the door of my closet. Each of your article, each post on Begin With Yes, is a new wind in my sails, new inspiration, help and support to me, as well as to many people around the world. I really appreciate your work, your always cheerful spirit. After reading this article I respect you even more (if that is even possible). What I want to say is one big THANK YOU PAUL !
I follow Paul on Facebook “Begin With Yes”. As with this article he is truly an amazing human being. Compassionate, genuine and very generous with his knowledge. Always encouraging the best of each of us to shine. Characteristics we all need to continue to grow and develope. Thanks so much for yet another fabulous read.
Thank you for a wonderful post. I appreciate the reminder to always be authentic!
Found this bloke on face book through others recommendations and do you know what… his tranquil attitude and positive outlook is refreshing to say the least. Whatever your life journey is, you cannot help but be emotionally nourished and moved by his words.
Tyler – Remember it took me a good long while to figure it all out. I have a couple other articles on Huffington Post that will give you more of my story and might help! Happy to have your BF reach out to me too! All good vibes – Thanks for reading and for the kind words!! Paul Boynton –
Amazing read. I wish I could figure out how to help encourage and support my boyfriend with coming out – but he’s still so afraid to. Any advice? I think showing him this article might get him a bit defensive, but I want to show him how coming out has benefitted people – like how Ellen was really helpful in your coming out process.
Tyler – Remember it took me a good long while to figure it all out. I have a couple other articles on Huffington Post that will give you more of my story and might help! Happy to have your BF reach out to me too! All good vibes – Thanks for reading and for the kind words!! Paul Boynton