Why I’m still hopeful she’s out there somewhere (and you should be too).
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…..dot dot dot. The lines stroll across the digital message as I wait eagerly for the words–in the stressful anticipation of knowing I will not end up liking what I’m about to be told. You see, the person was an ex and what she told me was about to force me to walk away… it’s over. Despite how much I tried and played my absolute heart out in trying to make things work, and have us crisscross across the world and explore it together; it just absolutely wasn’t in the works for us. The universe deemed it so and at that point, I couldn’t do anything but walk away.
Walk away, lick your wounds, pick yourself back up and get back out there.
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No begging, no weak attempts at stating how much I don’t want it to happen–just one foot at a time, away and further away. At times, I still want to try, sometimes more than anything–but what’s the point? When you’ve exhausted yourself in trying to make things work. There always comes that turning point where you have to stop trying and get back to yourself. Walk away, lick your wounds, pick yourself back up and get back out there. Refocus, remain addicted to your ambitions and get back to that thing called life that you forgot about with a reinvigorated vengeance. Go after achieving what we were ultimately put on this earth for. I can only hope she is doing just as much and finding happiness in the process.
♦◊♦
Now, do I like admitting I’ve missed the girl at times? Hell NO!! I hate even contemplating the words, let alone putting them down digitally. I’m scared as hell to even admit or broadcast it. But, at the same time, there are some things we absolutely can not run from. Being fully able to admit it to myself is the first key to being fully able to let it go.
I’m not going to lie, and I don’t think anyone can, leaving yourself open and vulnerable is the price us men and women pay in this crazy activity called dating. Now, we may learn to become more careful and wary (some of us “jaded”), but at the end of the day, we are always seeking to find and connect with that special love.
Sometimes we’ve connected with it over dimly light dinners, beautiful eyes gleamed in the reflection of a beautiful sunset, smiles that light up a room and your own heart with a glance from a mile away. Those moments when you lock eyes and you just want to run to embrace each other. Things that no one else seems to notice but you’re the stupid fool, giddy as hell to yourself because you know it’s just yours and no one else’s–and knowing for a moment of time it once was.
I know I’m not perfect and still trying to go after what I want, let alone figure it out. While I’ve gotten my heart broken (and broken hearts), admittedly over the years, it’s the price to pay to find the one I want. The one you cuddle up with on lazy weekends. The one you could get lost with over drinks where the time elapses and minutes turn into hours forgotten.
The one you seek to travel with across the world with just a backpack and a few train tickets and wonder where the hell this person has been for so long. Looking back, it’s still hard cause sometimes the pain of heartbreak can take over, but I hope they only see the happiness and the earnest attempts of truth and honesty in being real during an age where deception in dating seems to lie around every corner.
♦◊♦
I’ve seen people destroy their relationships with those close to them through their anger.
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….And yet, I remain hopeful she will still be out there. I know I’ve sometimes been an idiot for trying as hard as I do, but it’s the only way I know how to play the game… why would you wanna play it any other way? Getting older, I’ve seen people make stupid mistakes, I’ve seen friends pass away at years much too young. I’ve seen diseases and addictions take people over until they are no longer themselves. I’ve seen people quit on their ambitions.
I’ve seen people destroy their relationships with those close to them through their anger, and I’ve seen many close friends be thrown away in the dating game as their lover just never cared but for a temporary fix. I know putting my heart out there is a consequence for trying to find the right one, and if one can put so much energy into the things that didn’t work, realize how much powerful it will be when it is the right thing. That’s why I keep trying to find what I want to find, and I’m not giving up hope for that until I do or die trying. Neither should you.
That special girl or guy for you is out there somewhere. Keep moving, keep living. Realize that’s it all a process. Life is full of beautiful surprises. Yes, when you’re broken it’s hard to remember and feel that… but they are out there somewhere, waiting for you…
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Photo: Flickr/ Ed Yourdon
The more you MOVE, you will realise ‘she’ isn’t out there, and you will care less about the game daily.
As someone coming out of a 22 year marraige and subsequent destructive divorce, I am feeling like damaged goods. I wasted 22 years of my life with someone who never loved me, even though I did love and believe in him. We shared houses, kids, dogs, jobs etc. Now it just hurts a lot.
As I look to my future trying to envision that special someone who I can just give to and support and love unconditionally, your words remind me to keep holding on and believing that a happy ending will become reality. Thank you.