Gentle Men & Abusive Women: A Lethal Pairing Nobody Wants to Talk About

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About Jed Diamond Ph.D

Jed Diamond, Ph.D., is the Founder and Director of the MenAlive, a health program that helps men live long and well. Though focused on men’s health, MenAlive is also for women who care about the health of the men in their lives. Jed is the author of 11 books including his latest: Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well. Since its inception in 1992, Jed has been on the Board of Advisors of the Men’s Health Network. He is also a member of the International Society for the Study of the Aging Male and serves as a member of the International Scientific Board of the World Congress on Gender and Men’s Health. His homepage is


  1. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    I sympathize. I’m definitely what I’d call a b____ – magnet. I probably sound critical here much of the time, but I tend to fall for controlling women. Part of the problem is that this attribute often accompanies intellectuality, which is very attractive.

  2. Thanks for the comments. Its nice to know that my experiences resonate with so many people. I’m happy to report that Carlin and I have been happily married for 33 years now and my experiences (and hers) from the past are now part of the history, the lessons learned, and changes made. Its never too late for a joyful marriage.

  3. Jed i personally thank you for being brave enough to discuss a real issue that affects real men, and not just some faux / mens issue, constructed to shame men.

  4. David Jones says:

    Martina your comments are a perfect example of victim blaming and I am surprised that no one else has called this out. Your statement “It sounds to me like she felt disconnected from you, not validated and not heard” is like saying “well perhaps if you weren’t a bad lover/man and were able to be better than she would not have abused you” it is so similar to the countless number of excuses I have heard from men in the DV offenders class I have run. Imagine for a moment that the situation was reverse and a man said “If she would just prove to him she loved him more by being physically available he wouldn’t think that she was cheating and wouldn’t feel the need to be abusive” now imagine that this comment was made to a woman who just poured her heart out concerning her past abusive experience. Do we imagine that this statement would go unchallenged in a forum even remotely similar to this space? I think not, and frankly I am surprised I am the first one to point out the victim blaming here, especially since it is so quickly jumped on (as it should be) on so many other posts on this site.

    • David Jones,

      A strictly factual question for you, as you mention you run classes for men who are DV offenders:

      To your knowledge are there classes for women who are DV offenders? For example, does the organization you work for run them? Or are women offenders simply placed into classes with male DV offenders? How common is it for women to be identified as DV offenders and required to attend classes? Do you have any statistics or studies on the treatment of women DV offenders?

      (We know from DOJ and NIH surveys that about 25% of lesbian women have been victims of DV in a lesbian relationship, so even if we are talking about just 10% x 25% = 2.5% of the population, totally ignoring woman-on-man DV, 2.5% of all women would not be a small number of potential students.)

      Thanks in advance.

  5. Jed,

    You are a leader in your field.

    How do we take experiences like yours and similar experiences of other men and change policy so domestic violence prevention services will actually help abused men, instead of re-victimizing them?

    I’m thinking of the case two years ago when an Arizona State Senator was hounded from office by Arizona NOW, among others, after his girlfriend reacted violently because he danced with another woman at a party. There were photos of his facial wounds in the media, and still he was treated by the domestic violence prevention activists and their friends in the media as the perp.

  6. Adam Blanch says:

    Been there, got the scar to prove it. So many men I know have had similar experiences. The great thing about this piece is that you take responsibility for your ‘addiction’ and chose to do the work to sort it out. Erin Pizzey, who founded the first ever women’s refuge in London, wrote a very good book 30 years ago on the way abusees are addicted to their abusers, but she is vilified by feminists as ‘blaming the victim’, which is sad because the only way out of this cycle is for the person. who usually has serial abusive relationships, to take responsibility as you did.

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