Stephen Michell realizes that, for some reason, he connects the expression of joy and happiness with femininity. Does that make masculinity innately negative?
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The other night my girlfriend and I registered for Netflix’s to watch the FX Networks show American Horror Story. We set up our account and then my girlfriend noticed one of the extra features of Netflix and started to explain what it was. I was over-eager to watch the show and, without pause for consideration, I cut her off.
I said, “I don’t care!”
Naturally, this led to an argument, which led to a conversation, which led to a personal revelation.
I said, “I just really wanted to start watching the show.”
She said, “That’s fine, just don’t be a Mr. Negs about it.”
She wished I could express my excitement in a positive way. And that was it.
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Why had I expressed my excitement, eagerness, and general happiness to watch an interesting show on our newly acquired Netflix with the negative dismissal of an idea, rather than the positive embrace of my honest feeling? Here’s how it could have gone:
She says, “Oh look, here’s an interesting feature of Netflix—
I cut her off. “Oh, Oh, can you tell me about it later? I’m dying to start watching this show!” And a big smile with lots of excited hopping and uncontrolled hand-flapping.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. It’s not that I’m unhappy, or depressed, or discontent (entirely). It’s that I have a personal difficulty expressing honest joy. And here, I think, is why:
Masculinity is supposed to be rational and restrained and reticent. Or so I seem to think.
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I attribute abundant, honest, childlike expressions of joy, excitement, happiness, glee, and gaiety, the very emotions I was feeling the moment before our dispute, to a feminine identity. Masculinity is supposed to be rational and restrained and reticent. Or so I seem to think. But does that also require masculinity to be critical and condemnatory to the point of negativity?
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In my attempts to create and assert my identity as a “man”, not a young man, not a boy, not a child, but a “Man”, I am necessarily, if perhaps unconsciously, reassessing and modifying my characteristics to adopt qualities of manliness that I have undoubtedly witnessed, and registered as correct, in my personal life and in society. I must also, consequently, be rejecting and repressing those qualities that I perceive to be unmanly and therefore feminine. But this line of thinking, in itself, is incorrect and can lead to problems. I could easily attribute strength, courage, and goodness to a masculine identity, for I’ve observed as much in established gender traditions, but that would be to disregard some of the strongest, most courageous, kind-hearted people in my life: my girlfriend, my sister, and my mother, all of whom are richly feminine!
In truth, it takes tremendous courage and integrity to express honest thought and feeling, especially happiness. When you smile or laugh or jump up and down and shout in joy and excitement you are expressing a genuine, human innocence that is deeply personal and very vulnerable to outside criticism. You are saying here, look at this, this is something that I truly like and I want to share, this is something that I love. A friend of mine once said, “The most courageous act a person can do is love wholly with all their heart.” Conversely, I could argue, as I seldom see men express honest excitement, that men are afraid of vulnerability. Therefore fear is a quality of masculinity. But that, too, would be incorrect.
To think that some qualities are innately feminine while others belong to the character of men is simply wrong. Human qualities are both masculine and feminine, as they are both equally human. Gender should not be a force of conformity; gender should be a light of discovery. The young boy needs not “man up” but rather “human up”, to discover the variety of character, both masculine and feminine, he is become.
Such a move in the development and maintenance of personal identity, however, requires confrontating societal expectations of gender and relationships, and confronting our own understanding of who we are, who we think we are, and who we want to be. It requires constant consideration of one’s thoughts and feelings. American spiritualist, Thomas Merton, wrote, “ . . . no man ever can, or could, live by himself and for himself alone, the destinies of thousands of other people were bound to be affected, some remotely, but some very directly and near-at-hand, by my own choices and decisions and desires, as my own life would also be formed and modified according to theirs.[i]” This is inescapable; the expression of our thoughts and feelings has a direct affect on the development of our own identity and the identities of others. To recognize this means contemplation before action. It means continuous, clear communication with ourselves and with others.
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After out conversation, my girlfriend and I settled onto the couch to watch American Horror Story, which is a very interesting and entertaining show. It is particularly engaging because the “horror”, underneath all the ghosts and dark corners (and the really freaky intro) is derived from basic human issues—disparate and dysfunctional families, economic instability and recession, marital disunion, distrust, jealousy, adolescent angst, bullying, social and societal image, place and home, love, hate—all of which can ultimately be condensed to one fundamental problem: the lack of clear communication. The inability to express, for some personal reason, how we honestly think and feel.
It is remarkable that all it really takes for our own lives to turn into horror stories is for us to forget how to talk to each other and to ourselves. The founding grace of the human race, I think, was that amidst the frightening sounds and calls of the darkness, we learned to speak, and have since then continued to listen. I have a difficulty with the honest expression of excitement and joy. I think I should have a chat with myself about that.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, as I can relate to it very well. This was the quote that mirrors my feelings most closely: “It is remarkable that all it really takes for our own lives to turn into horror stories is for us to forget how to talk to each other and to ourselves. The founding grace of the human race, I think, was that amidst the frightening sounds and calls of the darkness, we learned to speak, and have since then continued to listen. I have a difficulty with the honest expression of excitement and joy. I think I… Read more »
Ambivalence shouldn’t automatically be equated with, or connote negativity. Pragmatism shouldn’t automatically be equated with, or connote negativity. I’m reminded of a quote by Harry Truman: “I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.” I’ve said this once before, but I think it’s relevant here again: Real ambivalence (and/or ambiguity) doesn’t automatically resonate as a genuine or valid emotional state with a lot of people, because by the very nature of its inverse proportions, its composure, it seems to minimize, marginalize, trivialize, or otherwise mock their own level of ‘appropriate’ earnestness… Read more »
I know how you felt. Boys are taught to a large degree to suppress their humanity. Historically, humanity may prevent us from attaining the resources necessary for survival. Joy is an expression of that. I remember a charity worker’s observation that men contribute more money, but women contribute more time. She felt men had more difficulty with the personal interactions. I cam drop $10 in a bucket and walk away. Serving a homeless man lunch is too emotionally compassionate. I’ve seen that with myself. I told about how in my early 20s I stepped off a bus. There was a… Read more »
I have serious issues with the article for the simple reason that you didn’t do anything wrong. You actually did not care.. she simply couldn’t handle the truth. That’s all this dichotomy is, it’s the opposition of sugar coated and insincere enthusiasm for realism, because people don’t like realism. I agree that it’s an attempt to force reality to mirror the created worlds of mass media. If I don’t care about something, expect me to say I don’t care about it. If that makes me negative, so be it. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t care about… Read more »
Probably any good thinking does. I was trained in German critical theory, and “the negation” was regarded as essential. One of my issues with current rad-fem is the rah rah enthusiasm. I think we tend to be blinded by it. It mimes too closely the world of commodification and advertising we live in.
Stephen, really enjoyed this piece and it’s a subject close to my heart. We are hard wired for negativity. We survived by constantly weighing up the odds and looking at the worst case scenario. Living, as we do, a relatively threat free existence, the lizard brain is still there, scanning the horizon. And our brain makes no distinction between the real of imagined threat. That’s where we have to step in. Negativity bias is as natural as breathing. But I find it’s in the breath that we find the space to decide how we react. Between stimulus and response there… Read more »