Take it from an old guy: Trashing a relationship is easy as 1-2-3-4-5.
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There’s not a lot of good to say about getting older. I’m achy sometimes for no reason, my ears ring constantly, and the pounds don’t come right off like they used to. Don’t get me started on what a chile relleno and a late cup of coffee can do to a night’s sleep.
One mixed blessing of tacking on some years is that I’ve had plenty of time to make a lot of stupid mistakes, and those I haven’t made my friends have made for me. Here are a few things I’ve learned in the last few decades about destroying relationships:
1) Treat waiters and other service workers poorly. You might think that witty remark about the slow service or your demand to get the manager right now makes you look large and in charge, but really you just look rude and arrogant. If you really think those who serve you don’t deserve your respect, you’ve tossed up two relationship red flags: A) You’re the kind of guy who thinks he’s superior to others, and B) You treat those you deem inferior like crap. No reasonable person wants to risk being on the pointed end of that stick.
2) Solve her problems. If you’re already practicing item 1, she knows you have trouble with empathy. Now you can really drive that point home by not empathizing with her when she tells you about her new boss’s unreasonable demands. Saying “That’s simple, here’s what you do…” is like saying “your problems aren’t really that big of a deal.” Now, if you don’t want to trash your relationship, practice active listening. Shoot for “That must really be frustrating,” but more importantly—mean it.
3) Do absolutely nothing. I mean this in two different contexts: A) Don’t help out around the house, and B) Have no interests. Be a slug, because every woman wants to hitch her wagon to that shiny star who sits on the couch all day playing Xbox.
4) Hide your porn. Not every guy looks at porn, but a lot do. And although not all women will be cool with that, a very large percentage are even less cool with you keeping secrets. I’m not saying a healthy relationship means watching Big Booty Surprise Party 6 together; rather, I’m just saying that the “I enjoy a little visual stimulation now and then and that is no reflection on you” talk is a hell of a lot less painful than catching you in the middle of BBSP 6.
5) Demand sex. And do so in as many different ways as possible: pout, get angry, be passive aggressive, get clingy, withhold affection, bargain, push, push, push. This is especially effective if you’ve been practicing items one through four above, because by now she sees you as an obnoxious, know-it-all , Xbox loving porn hound who can’t be bothered to wash a dish, and what’s sexier than that?
Here’s the thing: When I was a twentysomething, no middle aged bald dude with a keyboard could’ve told me anything. I get that. But I’ve been through the wars, little brother, and I regret the casualties. A lot. I still don’t know the secrets to a happy relationship, but I guarantee you that these five bullets will kill one before you know it.
Too late? Check out When She Says It’s Over It’s Over.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Thus is excellent. I’ve experienced every valid point and it really does kill things quite well. On the other hand…All of these quickly reveal true character and for women it’s an equally handy guide for qualities you don’t want. Save yourself some time and frustration and move on. I think a good add on would be….be jealous and go through her stuff. That’s also an excellent way to assassinate your relationship
🙂
Points 2 & 3 are a particularly potent combination in my experience. Love the wrap up – beautifully put. Thanks for this piece!
1) Invalidate her.
2) Criticize her.
3) Give her the silent treatment.
4) Ignore her needs in the bedroom.
5) Refuse to apologize.
Solid advice.
Yep.
OK so who just went and googled “Big Booty Surprise Party 6”? Anyone??
Of course I’m just kidding. Nice article, thanks for your effort to write and share 🙂
I don’t think you are kidding. 😀
Never say no to sex, it’s one of the reasons for being in a relationship, same as women are mostly in a relationship for emotional support.
Witholding sex is definitely one of the best ways for women to destroy a relationship. It was key in ruining my previous relationship for sure.
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/07/never-say-no-to-sex.html
“Never say no to sex”
Dafuq. Sex being one of the reasons does not mean you can’t feel unwilling to have sex sometimes and that is ok. If the person is unwilling but still will have sex… will their partner use the person to masturbate with? Will men have to take viagra just so women will masturbate using their penises (I see, men could still be able to enjoy and orgasm here, but still) and women use KY for men to masturbate in them (worse now, as even then it will probably be painful)? Dafuq again.
…duh????
Are there seriously guys out there who have trouble with this concept?
Yeah. Women don’t like dating assholes. Or even being around them. Just like, you know, nearly every human being on the planet. Major shocker, I know.
This article is a perfect example of why I only want to be with men that are “older”. I would trade the word ‘older ‘ for men that have “less fight” in them. Nothing like being rung through the relationship muk to make a man relationship potential . Teach the ‘young’ or ‘ego maniacs’ or ‘both’ a thing or two!
Cheers to you and best wishes.
Be very jealous but also very manipulative. You can do whatever you but if she wants to see her friends, don’t let her.
#4 – Yeah, don’t hide it. I think having porn is important for guys and gals, and it can be funner when shared, but it should never be a point of insecurity. It will be if it’s hidden.
I’m not sure if I agree with #5. I don’t like feeling like I’m always the aggressor when it comes to sex. I’d rather it be demanded evenly! Makes me feel like the guy wants me as much as I want him.
Treating restaurant staff poorly is ridiculous. I’m already paranoid about them cleaning their hands, and the last thing I want to do is tick them off. If I don’t see them smiling and treating me nice, I feel the urge to run for the door.
You forgot a huge one: letting the ex girlfriend linger.
it so easy to be a man today, we just have to look strong ,having caring feelings for all on earth,we accept everything a woman does and needs,well except , when she one in a while want us to step up and be a real man with a strong opinion,maybe she ask for to be slapped please just a little nobody have to know,,,,,and you of course have to think, that if you do, it its on your own,so you dont .We are very good in the kitchen, we always cooks her favorite,and we do know, not to talk about… Read more »
I think “hide your porn” should be expanded to “hiding things”
My ex didn’t tell me he had gone back to sleeping with his ex wife because “you didn’t ask, so I didn’t think you wanted to know”
Fucking really.
I’d rather be told “last night I slept with my ex” rather than having a few hrs of conversation where I had to ask “the right questions”
What are you, a fucking magic 8 ball?
Sad to say, but it’s much, much easier to destroy than to create a relationship.
Everybody is so judgmental, I’m surprise that anybody is able to have a good relationship at all.
Only the beautiful people (women AND men) are being tolerated when they put so many conditions on others.
I do think that treating waiters and service workers well is really important. But I’ve never been on a date where the guy has been rude to waiters or service workers. I think a more important factor, in terms of relationship potential, is how a man treats other women. I have found that a man can more easily hide his treatment of waiters and service workers then he can his interactions with women. Is he always checking out other women? Is he nicer to socially perceived good looking women vs more homely women? How does he treat women when he… Read more »
Sad to hear Erin that these are the type of guys you’ve apparently had your fill of experience with. A lot of your commentary though comes right out of feminist research, specifically Andrea dworkin and Catherine McKinnon from the late 70’s and was found to be invalid research at that. But that is not to say that some guys do fit that profile and they are not people you really want to hang with, as a guy or a woman. But guys in general do like a bit more visual stimulation and today many women do too. Both also seem… Read more »
Great comment Erin. I was also insulted by the whitewashing on porn use. Most people know how hateful standard porn is and to reduce this to “a little visual stimulation” is dishonest. Gloria Steinem in a recent interview in the LA times noted that “Pornography is to women as fascist literature is to Jews.”, so let’s transfer the author’s hypothetical conversation to a mixed race partnership. ” Oh I’m just getting off to Birth of a Nation, Honey. Let me know when you’ve got that floor scrubbed.”
http://www.latimes.com/local/abcarian/la-me-ra-gloria-steinem-what-women-want-20140213,0,2700717.story#ixzz2zcFRfpor
Great comment Erin. I too was very disappointed to read the whitewashing of porn use. The majority of people are aware of the bald-faced contempt for women and women’s bodies in the most mainstream porn and to reduce this to “a little visual stimulation” is dishonest. Gloria Steinem in a recent interview in the L.A. Times noted that “Pornography is to women as fascist literature is to Jews.” Imagine the author’s hypothetical exchange but with a mixed race couple: “Honey, I’m just going to get off watching Birth of a Nation. Let me know when you’ve got those dishes done.”… Read more »
I know this article is a bit dated, but I wanted to address Erin’s undying concern of “pornography”. I think “whitewashing pornography” the writer did wasn’t bad. It’s after all only porn. Like all things in life it only has the weight and mass you give it in regards to entertainment. You may feel towards porn the same way I feel towards say, football. I don’t know anything about what’s going nor do I care. But when people want to watch it for entertainment in their own home, who am I to say. If it’s a significant other, thank god… Read more »
James, I couldn’t agree with #1 more!! Usually (in my experience), this is the first opportunity for a guy to either make me happy I’m out with him or notice that the red flag is a-waving and I need to start paying closer attention. It really is such a turn off to be with someone who treats others disparagingly. Like you said, it’s only a matter or time before that gets turned on you!! Great post.
I think one sentence from #5 would deserve its own number: Never be passive-aggressive. Whatever you do, never, never, ever be passive-aggressive. In any context. Its a poison. I’ve done it and seen others do it and it is a ghastly sight. I’ve sworn to never go down that road again.
Great post. Particularly enjoyed #3. Housework seems to be a real deal breaker for many of us. And yes, a guy who lolls on the couch isn’t much of a turn-on.
As a woman, I can think of at least 5 relationship killers we should also avoid. One of them may well be getting overly flipped out about your points 1-5!
#2 is in my experience as simple as a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” trick. I know I’ve been guilty of giving suggestions on trying to solve her problems a fair number of times. Never claimed it was easy, though! Just listening to her and then asking “Perhaps you would consider this or that, no?” Anyway, latest time it happened was a close female friend of mine having trouble with her boss and co-workers, withholding information from her and thereby preventing her from doing her job properly. We met over lunch, and I listened intensely to… Read more »
You make a great point, Kal. People are complicated, and no suggestion fits everyone, or even every situation.
I don’t know if it would help with this specific situation you’re talking about, but I seem to have met many men who consistently struggle with this balance of empathy and “helping out” — and since it’s helped my friends out, maybe it could work for you, too. Have you tried asking the simple and direct question, “Are you just needing to vent, or do you want my feedback?” (however you want to phrase this). It empowers the speaker by giving them the option to consent to what they want, and cuts out the guesswork for you. Taken from Marshall… Read more »
While I wasn’t there in on either conversations – what I got out of your post was both times you weren’t being empathetic. The first time you tried to fix – even saying you didn’t know how to fix is trying to fix. The second time you didn’t say anything. Which makes it seem like you don’t care and weren’t even listening and certainly wouldn’t show your empathy to the other party.
Annon Female writes a very valid point about asking a simple and direct question to help both of you be on the same page 🙂
Hi James. I admit to having liked porn sometimes, probably as a sop to vicarious variety. Both of my wives (sequential) knew/know about it. Number one didn’t like it. Number two is/was fine with it, as long as I don’t stay up too late. It’s kind of moot now, since my testosterone level (at 68) seems to have gotten so low I don’t think of it very often. Am too old for the X-Box. Call of Duty doesn’t seem to have much in common with my own military experience, so I don’t vibrate to it. We seem to have divided… Read more »
Sounds like you’ve found a happy life, Hank. That’s all any of us can hope for. Good on you, my friend.
I like it….every one of these lends some awareness to the equation…although the xbox might be more indicative of a slightly younger generation than my dating pool :).
Thoughtful….and appreciated.
Cheers, CQuall. Thanks for reading in the spirit that was intended.
I agree number 5 was absolutely the reason my last relationship broke up. Slowly I just lost any desire to be around him because of it and couldn’t even remember enjoying sex the last year. Which is sad because he had other good qualities, but demanding that I allow you to treat me like a sex toy (without my permission) is just a no go. I’m glad I am finally out of there!
It’s a lesson hard learned, Lee.
It’s the same with me lol
A good way to ruin a relationship with ME is to not accept me the way I am. All of my long term relationships were able to do this, and I for them. The xbox loving porn hound stuff sounds like pure projection. If you can’t relax in a relationship, you don’t belong in it. And yes, I’ve tried it that way too. And felt shitty.
Never played an Xbox in my life, Hank, but I’ve dodged dish duty more than once.