Can this reader’s marriage be saved? Amy Daves tries to help him sort it all out.
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Can a sexless marriage to a very late-discovering lesbian be saved? After 33 years of marriage, with sex never very satisfactory, very low desire on her side, she came out to herself and to me as a lesbian. So a low sex marriage has become a no-sex one.
She’s not looking elsewhere, but her long struggles against her same sex desires seem to have killed all desire. And if she were to re-awaken desire, it would be for another woman, not for me.
So, can I find a way of coming to terms with a sexless marriage, and close to zero hope of change in the future? We’re good friends still, talk, cuddle, share a good deal. And we’re both doing an Imago course together. I’m in solo therapy, but she’s given up on couples therapy and sex therapy and solo therapy. But there are times when I feel like taking a long walk and never coming back.
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There are two answers I want to offer you. First, two consenting adults can agree on any sort of arrangement no matter how unconventional and make it last, even happily, if both are committed and remain trustworthy and open.
There is a marriage therapist in Auburn WA named Josh Weed who identifies as a homosexual but who lives a heterosexual lifestyle as he is married to a woman and claims to be faithful to her. You might be interested in reading some of his writing online.
Second, statistics aren’t in your favor. But you are not a statistic. You are an individual. Statistics will say that your decision to remain celibate will be a challenging goal, as humans are sexual beings. It is not impossible, however. Many have made such a decision and successfully lived out their lives without sex. Your unique challenge, though, is that you are married, and there is a strong social expectation that married couples will be sexual.
Resentment can be a burden if not dealt with swiftly.
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Trust is also a consideration.
Significant openness will be a must in order to maintain trust within a committed relationship where one or both perceive they are being denied a basic urge. This leaves you both at high risk for infidelity. Statistically, sexless marriages struggle in ways that marriages bound by physical intimacy don’t.
It all comes down to:
- What are you both willing to give up?
- Does the cost outweigh the perceive cost of ending the relationship?
- Get really clear with each other about expectations and what elements are not likely to change.
Your mental health matters.
Email [email protected] with your marital struggles and one of our therapists can help.
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Photo: Tony Alter/Flickr
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This man’s story is mine as well, and Rob Watson’s recommendation to contact straightspouse.org is something I heartily second. I’ve known some couples who managed to make a mixed-orientation marriage work, some who decided that staying together did more damage than a divorce inevitably does. For my part, my lesbian spouse and I decided to part, and she’s now happy with her partner and I’m incredibly happy married to a straight woman. It hasn’t been easy for us or our children, but ultimately it was necessary for both of us to live our truth apart from the other. I don’t… Read more »
I suspect this is the situation with me and my wife (of about 20 years). When I met her (before we got married) she conveyed to me that she sometimes had Lesbian thoughts. Throughout our relationship the sex was never great and quickly died off. I’ve also (by accident) found evidence that she’s been searching out Lesbian pornography. I keep asking why did she ever marry me?? My biggest fear is that she will “come out” one day and tell me she’s leaving. I love her very much and I know if she did that – I would seriously consider… Read more »
And why are you so dsperate to want to be married to a lesbian??? You deserve someone who can love you back.
The original story in the article, with the question, is mine, Joe. Like you, I had fears that I didn’t want to explore or confirm. I hoped that her ‘same sex attractions’ would go away; I knew that she was struggling with them. The really tough thing is not being desired. But my current therapist has helped me to understand that there can indeed be love without desire. My wife DOES love me; she just doesn’t desire me. I suspect that, like me, you’re not ‘desperate to be married to a lesbian’, but that you’re still in love with someone… Read more »
I can see that the LDS reference was upsetting to some readers. Please know that this was not my intent. I am a therapist, and recently Josh Weed helped a couple i was seeing get real with what they were dealing with – one partner’s life long homosexuality. They were able to break some unhealthy patterns and attitudes – he was very helpful in that way. After getting real with what WAS and what WASN’T, they divorced. His name came to mind in that context. It is our job to bust defenses, to invite authenticity, and not to push an… Read more »
Then perhaps you could have stated that there was more than one way to be happy?
Sounds like a good article idea. I thought I was clear about that in that first paragraph but perhaps not. Thank you for your thought – Amy
How disappointing that the one reference made to therapy by the author here is to a man (Josh Weed) who identifies as gay, but remains in a hetero marriage because he believes that his religion (Mormonism ) finds same sex attraction sinful. He states that he does not believe in conversion therapy, but he helps people with “unwanted sexual attraction.” This is incredibly damaging and I am so disappointed in The Good Men Project for running this.
It sounds like there is still so much love between these two people that giving up on any relationship would be incredibly painful. So much depends on this couples social circles and their professional lives as well, but with the burgeoning societal acceptance of open relationships I’d strongly consider that route in some form or another. There is an increasingly large community of people out there who understand the desire for love outside of a marriage, and the potential need for honest discretion, as well as the philosophy that love takes many forms, and that life mates can exist who… Read more »
I’m certainly in agreement with at least considering this option, although the tone of the author’s response is mixed regarding it. I took the line “First, two consenting adults can agree on any sort of arrangement no matter how unconventional and make it last, even happily, if both are committed and remain trustworthy and open” to mean exactly what you are suggesting, and I agree that it’s worth considering. However, with the author’s mention of infidelity, the reference to John Weed, and the assumption that celibacy is the ultimate goal of the couple, I wonder whether that’s actually what is… Read more »
Arguably, the biggest measurable difference between a friend and a lover is sex. You are now married to a friend, not a lover. There is little/no stigma these days about divorce. Every 3rd person has had one. To me this is clear and cut: Get a divorce. Find a new love of your life. While is it admirable that you are obviously willing to try so hard to make your relationship work, it seems pretty clear that this marriage is doomed and that you are only stretching out the heartache for you both. You owe it to your happiness to… Read more »
A really important resource would be http://www.straightspouse.org/ . They will not guide you in one direction or the other but will put you in touch with many who are in your shoes. If you want people who understanding what you are going through, they will be there.
Josh Weed is very religiously motivated, and while has every right to his own path, his is one that can potentially feel abusive to the spouse who lives daily with being undesired.