A recent experience helped Dr. Steve clarify the elements that helped him survive a potentially messy situation.
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Just to be clear, I am speaking metaphorically, and when your partner is purging, I mean that she/he is having an emotional outburst that seems to have come from nowhere. At least not anywhere that you can relate to.
My wife is pretty good at owning her stuff, but every now and then, she gets that look in her eye and blurts out some accusation or statement that seems to come from the other side of the universe. In that moment I know she is about to upchuck and it is going to be messy. That is when knowing how to protect myself and maintain presence comes to the fore. What do I use?
Plastic. Yes plastic. It’s great for keeping offal from your skin. As in construction plastic, (the stuff used as a vapor barrier between the insulation and the drywall) is the best covering you can use to protect yourself from the vomit that is pouring forth from your partner’s mouth when the unexpected and inexplicable happens.
This plastic sheeting even comes in various thicknesses (how convenient). And, in order not to react to your wife’s assault, an emotionally protective barrier should have the same qualities as construction plastic (aka: “poly”).
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Qualities of polyethylene = emotional vomit protector
One, it is clear. You can see through it which helps you to judge what is happening on the other side unlike a drop cloth (used to protect floors when painting) that protects, but doesn’t allow you to see what is happening on the other side.
Many of us use the drop cloth. We hide behind this stiff barrier and pretend that nothing is happening or that we cannot see or hear what is happening. The message when using a drop cloth is, “I don’t want to engage.”
Two, it is flexible. A polyethylene vapor barrier as big as your bedroom will fold down to almost nothing. You can stuff it into your back pocket and use when needed. And this is how an emotional vapor barrier should be used – as needed and only when needed.
It is lightweight. Carrying around your emotional protection barrier costs you nothing as it is almost weightless. There is little chaffing and it costs the ego very little.
Three, it is cheap. There is no excuse not to have some handy. When it’s dirty you can throw it away – painless, no regrets. Same with the emotional vapor barrier. To keep the view clear, throwing it away after being purged on is a good idea. The past is the past and you can start off any incident with a new vapor barrier.
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Where to get protection?
But where do we get this protective barrier? We can’t go down to the local hardware store – like we can with real poly. No, more effort than that is required. You will have to make it yourself. And like any DIY project, there is a learning curve.
By the time we are adults most of us have protective barriers. The problem is that we were not taught how to create healthy relationships, rather, we learned self-preservation no matter the cost.
Typical protective barriers are the drop cloth, the flame-thrower (the best defense is a good offense), the hammer (with a big enough hammer I can fix anything), the power saw (if things get bad enough I can cut and run), the measuring tape (just how long is this going to continue), and finally, the level (as in, I’m level-headed and you are out of your friggin’ mind).
How are those tools working for you? Not so good? Yet, we continually use the same old tools and get the same old results. It’s time for some different tools.
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New Tools
Flak jacket. This is essential when under live fire. What is great about the flak jacket is that it can be used when your partner is being inappropriate or even when expressing anger, or challenging you in an appropriate manner. The flak jacket blunts what is, or seems like, a bullet to your vital organs. The flak jacket is your sense of who you are in the face of fire. It is your understanding that your partner is in pain. It is a jacket of love that absorbs incoming fire while allowing you to stay present with your eyes, ears, and heart.
Safety glasses. These are protective goggles that allow you to see into your partner’s pain while keeping your vision clear so that you are not hampered by all the dust and commotion. You are able to keep your eye on the goal. That is getting back into a state of harmony by being present for your partner in her time of need.
Ear protectors. Ear protectors allow you to hear what is important, what is underneath all the noise that is being projected your way. They help you distinguish between verbal assault and healthy, powerful, and emotionally laden communication.
Breathing apparatus: It is critical to be able to breathe. Without breath there is no life. I know this sounds obvious but when under stress, and your partner having a meltdown is stressful, it is easy to stop breathing. This gear reminds us to take a breath, or if our breathing is shallow, to take long slow breaths. Breathing allows us to think better which allows us to use the other tools we have available.
Shaper. A shaper is a tool that takes raw wood or metal and turns it into something useful by giving it a shape. For us, a shaper helps us take the pain, the verbiage, and unformed projectile vomit and turn it into something beautiful – like a more intimate relationship because you have been able to stand true and not attack your partner, while being there for her while she is going through this tough patch.
UTD: A UTD is a universal translating device. Similar to that as seen on Star Trek and a million sci-fi TV shows and movies, this is not only essential for handing difficult situations, it is priceless. This is one of the most sought after devices among homo sapiens.
Better than just translating words, it translates emotions, feelings, and underlying states. Advanced prototypes are able to quickly identify if your partner has a legitimate concern or is having a meltdown that has nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, these devices are not available at your local store.
Therefore, you will have to construct one on your own, or better yet, with the advice and help of a member of the opposite sex. That person has an insider’s knowledge of the schematics and pathways that orient, drive, and maintain their well-being. Plans for creating this device can be seen here.
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You may have noticed that the first four tools are safety equipment. It is critical that when under attack you are able to take care of yourself and stay safe. This equipment will help you do so. The last two items, though hard to find, will carry you through the worst storms you may encounter.
Together, your new tool kit, acts like poly, protecting you from the outside elements while being able to assess the situation and take meaningful steps to re-create and establish peace and harmony in your relationship. After all, your partner is human, and everyone has bad days.
Photo: Flickr/mari moon/why so angry?
This is hilarious, awesome, and I’m totally sending this to my male partner. Clearly, you should teach a course on how to be a man! Thanks for this.
Yes, excellent Steven!
I like how you didn’t suggest a man “protect himself” by deflecting her energy as if he can’t stand in her fury. We need the courage to stand with it – and stand up to it.
I love your UTD. It allows empathy and lets us lean into her without fear or judgment.
It also gives us the courage to stand up for our own values. This may mean confronting her unacceptable behavior or seeing the truth about stepping up and fixing our own.
Great summary Steve. Thanks for the input.
Brilliant stuff, Steven Lake!!! I love it!
Well thank you Karen Jones. You just made my day. Glad you liked the article.
You are most welcome – and, just to be clear, I LOVED the article. (-: