Why does Steven Lake want to get married after many years of happy cohabiting? Will marriage spoil a good thing?
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I will state up-front my bias. I am totally into being married. There is something reassuring, fun, comforting, exciting, challenging, and hopeful about being married. I was married once. Loved it. I had a fantastic marriage ceremony, a great party and seven happy years. Didn’t work out, but we managed to stay friends.
Being married has been the exception in my life. Seven years of marriage compared to thirty years of cohabiting with women. Cohabitation has gotten a bad rap over the past twenty years as stats show there is a 30% higher divorce rate for couples who cohabit first and then get married compared to those couples that go straight into marriage without cohabiting.
These stats have not stopped people from cohabiting. More people cohabit today than ever before with about 66% of recently married couples cohabiting before marriage. U.S. census data from 2012 stated that there were 7.8 million non-married couples living together, up from 2.9 million in 1996 – a significant trend.
If people start living together at 18 years old they have a 60% divorce rate. If they start living together at 23 years old, the divorce rates drops to 30%.
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There have been indications in the research that people are cohabiting as a trial test for marriage. Makes sense. That’s why I was doing it. An interesting study is coming out this April in the Journal of Marriage and Family which identifies a key, and over-looked factor, in the success or failure of marriage and cohabitation; it is the age at which people cohabit.
If people start living together at 18 years old they have a 60% divorce rate. If they start living together at 23 years old, the divorce rates drops to 30%. Wow! That is major.
Another interesting change is the delay of marriage. The average age of a first marriage is now 26.5 years old for women and 28.7 for men. This is a continuation of an upward trend over the past fifty years.
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For the past 16 years I have been living with a woman I would marry in a shot. We even tried to get married while in Europe on a holiday but discovered there are residency requirements in many countries. Scotch that plan. So why haven’t we been married since coming back to North America?
At first, my partner felt no need to be married (she still doesn’t feel the need but is now willing). She has never been married and did not see any reason to get married. She is not dependent on me financially, her parents were deceased when we met so she wasn’t disappointing anyone by not being married, we were too old for children, and coming from a feminist orientation, she didn’t see any reason to be married.
I, on the other hand, have plenty of reasons:
- Marriage is a public acknowledgement of our commitment to each other. This makes me feel part of the community (she is a very private person with little need for community).
- Marriage engenders support for the relationship in a way that “living together” does not in my experience.
- It’s a great ceremony. Who doesn’t like weddings?
- It’s romantic.
- There are tax benefits (not so romantic – but real none the less).
- I don’t have to trip over explaining my relationship to people, I am married – sort of, common law, cohabiting, shacking up – you gotta be kidding. I would love to just say, this is Paulette (her name), my wife (our relationship).
- In many U.S. states and provinces in Canada, without marriage, there is little protection for the individuals involved and they do not have the same rights accorded to people within a marriage. Historically, this has disadvantaged women when living with a man. Marriage is under state and provincial authority and differs widely. Only nine states in the U.S. sanction common law marriage, thirteen outlaw it and the rest is a patchwork of rights and responsibilities. In Canada, only British Columbia (2012) stated unequivocally, that people living together for more than two years had all the rights of legally married couples. In Quebec, where 33% of couples are cohabiting, they are specifically denied rights under the marriage act.
- My brother said this to me before I was married, and I have since come to agree with him, “Being married just feels different. It shouldn’t, but it does.” Being married is such a strong statement of commitment to the other and it gets me in touch with my purpose for being with the person I love.
- It is a ritual, and like all rituals we are touched in non-cognitive ways. It is an experience that goes beyond words and meshes with archetypal aspects of self that lie deep within.
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As I write this article, the realization is dawning on me just how important it is for me to be married. Sure, I won’t die if I don’t, but life is short and I would like to do this. However, I don’t want Paulette to do it just for me. After all, we have a good thing going and I don’t want to spoil it by getting married. Oh, the irony. I guess we will have to have a talk.
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If you have any thoughts on this please leave them in the comments section below.
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Photo: Google creative commons/Self-help archive/couple marriage
As a man, there is only one reason to sign that disastrous, legal marriage contract (early death certificate for men). What’s that reason? If she makes a butt ton more money than you and has a butt ton more assets. Women have, for centuries, looked upon men as a “resource”. Countless millions of men have been destroyed through divorce (asset division -> alimony -> child support -> male homelessness -> and finally -> male suicide). If women can look at men as a financial resource, why can’t men look at women as a financial resource? We’re equal, right? Women can… Read more »
ThePatriarchy: Your response makes me feel like you have been burned in the past or have not even witnessed a real, healthy, relationship (with or without marriage) and this makes me sad for you. With or without marriage, both men and women can suffer from a relationship if it does not work out. I, myself, have never looked upon men as a “resource” and I am friends with many women who feel the same as I do. I make my own money, pay my own bills and take care of myself–without the financial help of any man. I love being… Read more »
I myself dont want to get married. I came from a family whose parents are not quite most of the time fine. Now they are living separately. Thus, my experience with my parents’relationship with each other even affects my whole idea of having a love relationship. Then came my boyfriend now, were not even most of the time since he’s working abroad. I was against of having a deeper relationship with him since I think negatively about how our relationship would work. But he was man enough to promise me his commitment and thank God because of technology and social… Read more »
Mic, Silke, and Sam, thanks for your comments and encouragement. Good to hear there are others out there in similar positions.
I understand the predicament that you are in as I have been cohabiting with my partner whom I known for over 11yrs. He always expressed his willingness for marriage but because of my immaturity and commitment issues we have not done it. This year turn out a bit different for me and now we are in discussions of getting married. My humble suggestion stay the course, be patient, she will come around to the idea. Thank you for the article and best wishes to you and yours.
Steve
I understand how you feel!
I do not cohabitate.
And I also wonder why some men in US say they can not afford to get married.
What do they mean?
Do they talk about the wedding and the ring?
We are all free to choose if we want a big party or simply slip off of to another city or country and get married there .
At least in my family that is what some do,get married in another country, like in Denmark..
Very well said. This is exactly how I feel but could never put into words.
i just wanna say thank you for this. I liked it a lot.