Kurt Bird has had partners who pushed him into sex before he was ready for it, and it never felt right. So, what’s next?
How offended would you feel if I said it’s completely acceptable to push another person to have sex with you? That’s what the message seemed to be from partners who have been angry at me or pushed me to do certain things for not making “the move” soon enough.
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I don’t believe I am an attractive man, but I’ve been told by females – and males – that I’m very muscular and physically attractive. Because of this, it has taken me years to finally comprehend what I have done and what has happened to me. I feel I have been used for what I am and not who I am, essentially been bullied into convention without even knowing it. Until now.
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My first relationship lasted three months before sex was initiated. My next relationship lasted two weeks before sex was initiated. The third relationship was three weeks. Fourth was nearly two months again, and my fifth was on the first date.
I hadn’t been given much relationship advice except for some words from my father at the age of 14.“Here’s a pack of condoms. Share them with your brother. I thought you may need them. I’d been doing it before your age so thought it was about time you had some.”
The first three sexual relationships were all pushed or initiated by the women because I was waiting too long. Considering they were all more experienced than I, I was given the impression I was doing the wrong thing to wait. I did follow through with it, but when you’ve been harassed for quite a bit of your life and someone shows you some love, you’re going to believe what they’re doing for you is right.
The fourth and fifth relationships were slightly different; I was a little older and more mature and thought I had learned a lot by then. The fourth relationship was mutual; I didn’t initiate, nor did the other person, but at the same time I was disappointed that I didn’t wait longer AND felt the time I waited was too long, considering I had been pushed into the past three. After this relationship I sought a lot of advice on this from a lot of friends…and even strangers.
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By the fifth relationship, I had been given advice by so many women about what to do, I gave it away on the first date. I had felt like I’d known this person for three months in only three hours. I felt comfortable with her, but not necessarily with wanting sex. However, I was given the advice to be confident and take charge of the situation if in a position like that. So I did. It happened. And again, I wasn’t happy with it.
Every single relationship, I feel I’ve been forced into sex, first hand or second hand. The influence a person can have over a broken down mind is incredible. This fifth relationship has turned out well so far, but I feel I should have waited… again.
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From my experience in dealing with my friend’s relationships, my rugby boys’ relationships, and my own relationships, it seems that if men push women to have sex it is blatantly obvious, but if a woman pushes a man to have sex they manipulate the situation until the man caves in. Which one of these seems acceptable?
Sex may be an important part of a relationship but it isn’t the foundation. So why do we have sex to determine if a partner is right for us? Many people don’t. The majority do. Unfortunately, I got dragged into the belief that sex early in the relationship is the key to a good relationship. It’s only led me to believe people want me physically, without wanting me.
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I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and believe in “the right moment” but it doesn’t always work out that way. Be open to possibilities, but if you really want to wait, waiting for the right person or moment, don’t allow others to influence that belief.
–Photo Dave Stokes/Flickr
Please date me!
Hah, nice catch.
*joke mode activated*
“We men have the decency to only want one thing – but do you thank us for it?”
*joke mode deactivated*
What if the first time having sex with a/your partner really changed the relationship between you and her? Dramatically on an energetic level? It does for women – they tell me so. I suggest that it does for a lot of men whether they recognize it or not. (Speaking personally I know it does for me.) What if your heart was important to you, how it felt and how it was nurtured by the woman. That the heart relationship between your hearts was really important in an intimate relationship? What if? What if a HEALTHY heart connection was really an… Read more »
As a man, it seems weird to not want sex asap. After all, the media image is all men want sex and all men want sex NOW. I have had sex on the first encounter very rarely. For me, touch is one of the pillars of my relationships and I don’t like to indulge in it with a stranger. I am very sexual as well, but not till I get to know the person well. Having said that, yes, when women initiate sex in the early days of the relationship, they do not expect a no. Sometimes they are surprised,… Read more »
I wrote a couple different responses and ultimately decided I did not have enough information from your article. How are multiple women tricking you multiple times into having sex with them? Do you have issues with being touched in general? Why aren’t you establishing up front that you do not want to have sex until X amount of time? Is your remorse mainly immediately after? For what it is worth (considering this is unsolicited Internet advice), I would take a ‘year off’ to decide who and what you want. Then, find that person and clearly state your boundaries/minimum time frames… Read more »
I don’t seem to understand things at certain points of your story. You say that the fourth relationship was a mutual initiation of sex and yet you still feel like you were coerced? I guess I really need more details on what is coercive about the varying relationships to really be able to say if there’s a good moment for you to have sex with someone. Given you should never feel forced to have sex but if it’s a mutual decision and it was talked about I’m not sure how it can be too early. I’m currently in a relationship… Read more »
Nick
–” Lots of people have told me that I should make a move or that it’s
surprising that we have not had sex yet.”–
Why do talk about your sex life and tell them about if and when you have sex with your girl friend or not ? Weird.
Is she aware of you discussing intimate things like that with lots of people ?
As a woman I would hate if a man treated me and our love life like that .
Hi Kurt Bird
Maybe you have problems with your personal borders?
What is the difference between being pushed & being seduced?
One would think that an “exercise scientist” would be comfortable with bodily functions-
But then I’m not you…..
Really and truly people- sex is supposed to be fun, if you’re not having fun with the person your getting it wet with… Move on, each partner really isn’t that important…..
We get it. You don’t like sex very much (or at least consider it an extremely low priority activity). You should do what you are comfortable with, and not allow yourself to be pushed. OTOH, if every sexual encounter leaves you feeling as if you were “forced” then why do you persist in having them? Have you considered that perhaps you are the one who falls outside the norm? It isn’t that everyone else is oversexed or in such a hurry, but rather that you are undersexed or too cautious, maybe? I’m sure many, if not most men would love… Read more »