Falling from higher education diminishes self-esteem. Author Andy Hall found the life lessons were his saving grace.
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I recently watched Fired! Tales of the Canned, Canceled, Downsized, & Dismissed by Annabelle Gurwitch. In this 2007 documentary, Gurwitch interviews comedians about their painful and often hilarious experiences being let go from various employers. So much in it reminded me of my life experiences. I can only give two words of advice: Don’t Fail!
Avoid at all costs. Unfortunately, failure costs nothing and everything at the same time, so there’s no way to avoid it. Any maxim about failure wears thin these days, but truly there is the possibility of transformation embedded in failure.
I flunked out of my Ph.D. program, English with a creative dissertation. Perhaps it was a meaningless degree but the loss was painful, just the same.
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In 2013, I flunked out of my Ph.D. program, English with a creative dissertation. Perhaps it was a meaningless degree but the loss was painful, just the same. I had spent seven years working my tail off but apparently it was not enough. I was enrolled in three graduate classes while commuting 45 miles to teach four courses as an adjunct at a community college. Most of the Ph.D. students had assistantships, but the school did not offer me one. I maxed out my loans in five years and am now in default. My mistake was going there in the first place.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the people of the Midwest, specifically Peoria and Bloomington-Normal, where I found my religious tribe in Unitarian Universalism. I even had a nice four-year romance with an older divorced woman. However, academically and career-wise, it was a wasted seven years.
Fortunately, I have no family to support, so I didn’t put kids in jeopardy. I had nothing to lose… I had everything to lose. I lost a long term relationship as I could not afford to stay where I was living. Instead, I moved closer to my work, where a colleague rented me a room in his house for an inexpensive but reasonable price.
I spent 2011-2013 trying to pass comprehensive exams for my Ph.D. program. I did well on two of them, but the third kept tripping me. I failed the third exam four consecutive times. This told me I was no English scholar; I was not up to their caliber. I was livid. I could have sued–perhaps I should have–but I don’t think I would have made it very far with a legal case. Besides, I had no money and I was hoping I would get back into academia somewhere, somehow.
This was a most painful lesson: I spent seven years pursuing a degree many deemed useless and frivolous then failed the program and was still stuck with the Mercedes Benz-sized student loan debt.
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It would have looked bad to try to get recommendations from a college you were suing. This was a most painful lesson: I spent seven years pursuing a degree many deemed useless and frivolous then failed the program and was still stuck with the Mercedes Benz-sized student loan debt. Suicide seemed plausible as nothing went right.
Still, there was no denying that despite my colossal failure, I still came out of it with experience, a lot of bad poetry, and useless grad school credits. After all, I can b.s. Marxist theory with the best of them and I can pontificate in front of unassuming freshman. I have no room to get drunk on sour grapes; I did prove to myself that I could hack it . . . Almost.
I could rest in the knowledge that despite my learning disability, frequent moves during my childhood, and myriad other issues, I had almost made it. It seemed that academe had slammed its door in my face and reconfirmed my low self-esteem from middle- and high school. I decided the best option was to go back home to my parents in Las Vegas and start over.
We had moved to Vegas back in 1989 when I was a snot-nosed teenager. There, I graduated high school and then struggled for ten years to get a Bachelor’s degree. Afterward, I went to Northern Arizona and picked up an M.A., and an additional M.F.A. from Antioch University in 2005. In four years, I earned two graduate degrees whereas it took me ten years to earn one undergrad degree, my B.A. The Ph.D. for me was a natural progression, and since I had no clue what else to do, it seemed like the only way to go. Until I failed.
Now, three years after crash landing back in Vegas, I am enrolled in the Master of Education program for alternative licensure here at UNLV. I paid some of my tuition by teaching English part-time and was awarded a scholarship.
Perhaps this is my Mr. Holland’s Opus . . . I may not complete my Ph.D., but I will be a teacher, after all.
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Things have been slowly falling into place. Perhaps this is my Mr. Holland’s Opus. Richard Dreyfus played an aspiring composer who couldn’t find steady work and, with a pregnant spouse, found teaching music in a high school to be his true calling. I may not complete my Ph.D., but I will be a teacher, after all.
My move back to my parents’ home allows for my role as their caregiver. Whether it’s shopping, or driving them to the doctor, I help out however I can and even pay an inexpensive but reasonable rent. My oldest brother also moved back home as his law practice in Los Angeles has dried up. He is as financially devastated as I was in 2013 but he has an optimistic disposition despite his depressing circumstances.
My finances are still screwed up and I am still in default of my student loans, but if I am successful in my pursuit of a career as a school teacher, I will be able to start paying down those debts and write my own Mr. Hall’s Opus. We can bounce back from anything. I have seen it. I know people who went to prison and survived. Life goes on. So do we, somehow.
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Related: What Good Men Need to Know About Student Loans by Alan Collinge of Student Loan Justice
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Photo credit: Flickr/Freddie Phillips
Economic Failure was never meant to be final in this country. this is why the founding fathers placed uniform bankruptcy system ahead of the power to declare war, form an army, a navy, and even coin currency when they enumerated the powers of Congress in the US Constitution. Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and other founding fathers were deeply in debt to British Banks and merchants when they formed the revolution. Don’t be intimidated by the student lending system. We are better than all, of that, and the founding fathers knew it.
I couldn’t agree more. If we restored basic bankruptcy protections to student debt we would also slow down the unnatural growth of tuition prices. Each passing year makes the situation worse.