My Dear Son, This is How to Treat a Woman

A father offers advice on what to do, and not to do, to find and happily marry the right woman.

Letters to Our BoysMy dear Son,

You told me you were messaging a girl and you were planning to meet somewhere at school. I wanted to ask if it was a date, but I didn’t want to embarrass you. I wanted to ask what she’s like. Is she nice? Is she smart? What type of music does she listen to? Is she like your mom?

It has been too long ago for me to remember. Was it like a switch? One minute you find girls annoying, and then all of a sudden, all you want to do is hang around them.

It seemed like only yesterday that the only girl you didn’t find annoying was your mom. When did that switch flip? When did you start liking girls?

I guess it doesn’t really matter how it happened. Or when. What’s important now is that you know what to look for, and more importantly, how to behave when you’ve found her.

I know you’re only 12. And you will likely have several girlfriends before marrying the right one. But you might as well learn from the Expert so that you don’t waste time making all the mistakes I made.

When you were little you told mom that you wanted to marry her when you grow up. Well you know now that’s not possible. But at that time, you wanted to marry mom because she had all the qualities you want in a girl. If that’s true then you should ask ME because I’m the only one that managed to marry her. I’m the “expert,” so to speak.

I know you’re only 12. And you will likely have several girlfriends before marrying the right one. But you might as well learn from the Expert so that you don’t waste time making all the mistakes I made.

Do not get advice from your friends. Remember, “If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.”

So here is a list that helped me when I met your mom.

What to look for:

Look for someone that’s better than you. It’s as simple as that. Look for someone that you admire, not only for her beauty, but also for her brains, her attitude, how she treats her family and friends.

When you find someone that is better than you, you will automatically want to be a better person around her. When you strive to be a better person for her, it will also uplift you.

Nothing else matters. Her race, ethnicity, how many friends she has or how many likes she can get on Instagram. Not her social status or even her religion. None of that matters. Ask yourself this; “Does she make me want to be a better person?” If the answer is YES – then you’re with the right person at this time.

How to behave – A list of DO’S:

This will sound corny but it’s true because I’m the Expert. Chivalry is not dead. Be a gentleman. There’s the easy stuff you hear all the time; hold doors, help her carry stuff, pull out the chair for her, give her your coat when she’s cold. These are all good.

But then there are some details that seem to be lost to your generation. Like:

1) Let her order first and wait for her food to arrive before you eat.

2) Compliment her on how beautiful she looks.

3) Be respectful in front of her parents. Don’t say “Hey, how’s it going”. Say “Good morning Mr. ____.”

4) Be respectful to her parents even when they’re not around. Even if she’s angry at them, stay respectful.

5) Surprise her with something for no reason. Like flowers, not like a snapchat. However, a snapchat story on how you got those flowers might be cool.

6) Watch to make sure she gets home safely before you leave.

7) Walk on the outside of the sidewalk when you’re with her.

8) Don’t kiss and tell (come talk to me if you do not get this.)

9) Make her laugh.

And then there is the really important stuff. Like:

10) Encourage her to aim higher (do better at school, run faster at track, play harder in sports.)

11) Challenge her to try new things, new experiences that will improve her as an individual.

12) Respect her opinions and decisions at all times.

If you can do 80% of these, she’ll love you. Do 100%, she’ll love and respect you.

How to behave – A list of DON’TS:

In no particular order – just don’t do this stuff:

1) Hurtful pranks. I don’t get how anyone can play a hurtful prank on their girlfriend for a laugh. I know it’s all over YouTube and it gets a million likes. That just tells me there are at least a million people out there that won’t have a worthwhile partner. You don’t want to be one of them.

2) Bodily emissions on purpose. Just like how you wouldn’t walk up to your teacher and fart or burp in her face, don’t do that to your girl. It’s not respectful. Save that for your buddies.

3) Profanity. Don’t use any profanity directed at her, her family or friends. In front of her or behind her back. Respect.

4) Let her down. If you say you’re going to be somewhere or do something, do it. Don’t let her down intentionally. Girls like men, not little boys. And men stick to their word.

5) Stare at your phone. Don’t text, talk. If you’re with her, keep your eyes on her, not technology.

6) Lie and hide. If you make a mistake, own up to it. Change, improve, and move on. If you are practicing all these hacks, she will forgive you.

7) Shame or belittle. Similarly, she might make mistakes, forgive with sincerity. Never hold a grudge, shame or belittle her.

8) Gossip about other people. Even if she does, listen but don’t participate. Don’t tell her not to do it, just acknowledge what she is saying. She might feel annoyed initially but she will respect you for it in the long run.

Your girlfriend now might not ever be your wife, but if you follow the advice of this Expert, you will build a lifelong friendship. And perhaps the next girl you meet will be like your mom.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.”

Love you,
Dada

21st Century Masculinity

About Alex Lim

Alex Lim was born in Malaysia, but grew up in Vancouver. He asked his son to write his bio for him and this is what he learned:

He is (sometimes unfortunately) the most responsible and reasonable man I know. He has a mind for the future, always planning ahead, he is also the voice of reason. His brain generates more ideas than the average human. He is smart, always with a plan to learn things, help others, and make money. I’m told that I can't understand how much my father loves me, because he can't show it well sometimes. But I don’t believe that, because when I’m with my dad and I look at him and smile, he smiles back at me.

Comments

  1. Worthy parenting advice. From where i come its sometimes hards for parents to speak their minds. Reading this i believe my dad mights have the same thoughts however its nice to see it take words. A few Dos were all too general but “Encourage her to aim higher” and “Dont kiss and tell” are very much on point. Good read.

  2. Do not know where this came from so do not know who to give credit to but this is a very thoughtful quote that I find fits for this article. “Husbands Love your Wives well! Your Children are watching how you treat her. You are teaching your Sons how they should treat Women and you are teaching your Daughters what they should expect from men.”

    Fred

  3. so lovely, am going to save this for future use. Because am still single

  4. ” ‘Look for someone that’s better than you.’
    And with this piece of advice, you’re setting him up to be a doormat.
    You wouldn’t give the same advice if you had a daughter, would you?”

    Why wouldn’t he? Would he tell his daughter to settle for the first schlub who paid her some attention? To have endless faith in someone who said he was going to finish school/find a job/get off drugs, etc., but never actually DID anything? A successful relationship is one where neither person settles, and neither person becomes complacent with themselves first, and their relationship, second. He clarified what he meant, too — “Does she make me want to be a better person?” To anyone I know, a doormat is not a “better person,” so I don’t think you should worry, either.
    “Always strive to be a better person, Son (or Daughter), and find someone who does the same.” Why is it so hard to believe that a parent would say that?

    “Funny. Maybe you are not aware what double standards you are setting up here. I’ll give you a hint:
    Show her respect in every possible way. And if you do everything 100% right, maybe she’ll respect you too. But only if you deserve it.”
    Where does he say any of that? In all honesty, it wouldn’t be a bad thing for a parent to teach a child to treat everyone with respect. Shouldn’t we all be doing that?
    “And are you seriously telling a 12-year-old that he must be a man, not a boy, and how to find the mum of his future children? That is creepy.”
    Obviously, at 12, he’s not looking for the mother of his future children. But he is starting on a different phase of his life, one where it’s never too early to learn how to be healthy in a relationship, and how to find a healthy relationship. If he starts treating the girl or guy he wants to go out with right from the very beginning, even if it’s just ‘hanging out’ at the lunch table at school, it becomes automatic by the time he’s actually taking someone out on a real date.
    There’s only one thing I’d have added — and that is to tell the son that there will probably come a time when he has a crush on someone who doesn’t treat him well, and that first of all, he needs to respect himself. Stay respectful, but walk away. But other than that, well done, Mr. Lim!

    • Thank you for responding to that post and breaking it down so wisely… I don’t know why I continue to allow stupid to bother me..Havinge is so on point with this post.

      • i like the article and for me the point where he said look for someone who is better than you it made me want to even aim higher by being a better person someone whO both my children and my husband can admire . Thank you for the article

  5. exactly , great father have a great childs

  6. I can see this post for what it is, and I think it’s lovely. In order to encourage a generation of mutual love and respect, we must first teach boys how to treat girls with respect. We can hold them accountable for not doing so, but that doesn’t help if they’ve never been taught otherwise. Thanks for sharing!

  7. This is a appealing post by the way. I am going to go ahead and save this article for my brother to check out later on tomorrow. Keep up the high-quality work.

  8. Thanks for sharing.. Awesome advice 100% of it.

  9. This article is awesome… Love it!!!

  10. Theorema Egregium says:

    Funny. Maybe you are not aware what double standards you are setting up here. I’ll give you a hint:

    Show her respect in every possible way. And if you do everything 100% right, maybe she’ll respect you too. But only if you deserve it.

    And are you seriously telling a 12-year-old that he must be a man, not a boy, and how to find the mum of his future children? That is creepy.

  11. I think this is all great advice… and I’m a girl. I’m going to have my sons read this. Thank you!!!

  12. “Look for someone that’s better than you.”

    And with this piece of advice, you’re setting him up to be a doormat.

    You wouldn’t give the same advice if you had a daughter, would you?

  13. David salinas says:

    Interesting when you quote thins out of 1 Corinthians chapter 13 you forget one important thing in which I believe is really true love can hurt, love can reject

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