Why Women Aren’t Crazy

Has gaslighting conditioned women into thinking they’re emotionally unstable? Yashar Ali thinks so.


You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.


My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot her down and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.


Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: “You’re late :)”

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.


Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?

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Yashar will be soon releasing his first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

This post originally appeared on The Current Conscience.

—Photo lempicki.maciek/Flickr


Read Mark Greene’s response:

6 Reasons ‘Why Women Aren’t Crazy’ is Only Part of the Story.

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About Yashar Ali

Yashar is a Los Angeles-based blogger, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.


  1. It’s important to understand that the writer isn’t saying it’s “ok” for women to completely flip out over minor things and for her male counterpart to just accept that she’s reacting to her emotions appropriately. The fact is, it’s pretty much been programmed into social media that women are overly emotional and over analytical. Because of this, whenever a woman shows any type of negative emotion towards an actual situation that she has every right to show discomfort to… she is shot down. I think its pretty ridiculous for the minor things some woman will get upset about. But it’s not about the minor situations. Like being “late”. A lot of the time men will disregard legitimate emotional reactions, to legitimate situations. That’s the problem. “We are labeled as emotional ticking bombs ready to explode at any moment”. Unfortunately because of this label, men identify EVERY negative emotion a woman has as “irrational” “crazy” “insignificant”. It’s an easy, quick, fix to get themselves out of a sticky situation. And is used against women, in order to not deal with a TRUE problem at hand. Women need to address emotions that is equitable to the problem at hand, “Don’t fret over the little things”. Men need to differentiate when a woman is upset for a very real reason OR acting bat shit crazy over something small. And if she is reacting to a true matter at hand don’t dismiss it. It takes maturity and understanding on both ends of the spectrum to not have this be a constant battle between the sexes.

  2. Thank you for this article. Awhile back I really struggled with my job that I think was mostly in part that I was the youngest and only female on the team and would get emails as such:
    – We discussed the impacts on the team as it relates to how you are coming across when questioning directives being asked of you. The perception is that you are argumentative and unwilling. I would like you to work to change this perception by having a positive approachable and collaborative attitude when working with others
    – Emotional behavior – If you are finding yourself unable to control your emotions. I would like to ask that you step away from the office and take a walk until you can compose yourself. Team members have expressed their discomfort with this behavior and it is negatively impacting them and your ability to be productive .

    These types of ‘feedback’ I thought was completely normal. I thought there was something wrong with me, and I was a terrible crazy person. I am a very quiet, introverted person, and to see this come in an email, I was so upset at myself. I stopped asking questions about ‘why’ and ‘what for’ in looking for ways to improve processes and eliminate unnecessary work. Instead I became more quiet, and always did as I was told. I hated my job, did not trust my co-workers and feared making them uncomfortable and never wanted to show any emotion.
    Now I have a new job, a great boss and great co-workers. My feedback is always positive, and my boss doesn’t mind me asking questions of any sort, my need for information to process work is understood and I am completely supported, not shut down or feel like I am a negative entity to the workplace.
    I only hope more people hear what this article says. Thank you.

    • Emily Baker says:

      I find it interesting that your former boss asked you to change SOMEONE ELSE’S PERCEPTION of you. You are the way you are. If people don’t like it, that’s THEIR problem. Glad you have a better job and better boss now. Your previous boss was a moron.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for writing this!

  4. I think the biggest problem is that while, yes, often woman have a legitimate reason to be upset, often what they seem angry about seem utterly trivial to the man so it is hard for him to understand the problem. Take for example the following, this was my experience on a date a few weeks ago:

    I was supposed to pick her up at 7:45, at about 7:43 I am just parking out front and my phone rings. I answer and she says: “Is that your truck just pulling up? Why are you always on time so much…” she then proceeded to spend 5 min chewing me out and getting angry that I am on time to much and it stresses people out. She made me wait an hour for her while she finished what she was doing. I didn’t get mad, or even question it, I just accepted it and waited.

    Once she finally came down we had missed the show time so had to wait for the next one, so in the meantime she asked if we could drive around the park which I was ok with so I agreed and drove towards the park, she was looking down at her phone as we arrived and I just drove in. She then looked up and realized we drove in the “wrong” side of the park. This was the bad side of the park I guess and had very negative energy. I got chewed out again and told never to do that to her again. (To this day I have no idea why that side of the park is evil). Again, I didn’t get mad, I just accepted things, turned around and drove to the other side of the park.

    Later as we arrived at the theatre I walked up to one of those electronic kiosks to buy tickets. At which point I got chewed out again and told never to use electronic kiosks to buy tickets. That they are terrible and I should always stand in line and talk to a real person. Again I didn’t get mad, I just accepted it, apologized and went to the ticket counter.

    We watched the film, and on the way out she made a comment saying she wished we had parked closer because she was cold so I instinctively took my coat off and went to drape it over her shoulders which she responded to with instant aggression and anger saying that she HATES when guys do that and that I should never offer my coat to anyone.

    After that I drove her home and then got in trouble for parking legally to let her out rather than just stopping in the middle of the road and turning on my hazards.

    Anyhoo, this was probably a more extreme example, but it is something I and most of my friends complain about often. There wasn’t a single thing I got in trouble for above that I actually understand why I got in trouble. Furthermore I didn’t get mad once and certainly didn’t gaslight her as the article says. Instead I just apologized, adapted, and moved on. However, this sort of encounter is becoming more and more common for me and I definitely can say I am getting very tired of constantly stressing about every action I take lest it offend the woman I am with for a reason I have no idea about.

    I think we, as a society, need to meet each other half way. Men spend their entire lives being trained to suppress emotion while many men try their hardest to empathize with the woman they are with they also really struggle to understand what they are empathizing about and then when they act like “men” they are chastised for being chauvinists but then when they stop acting like “men” they are chastised for not being manly enough.

    • Feel free to add me and most of my friends to you and most of your friends.

    • Anonymous says:

      I think that example is a pretty small percentage.. You saying that woman have problems that are mostly trivial kinda proves this writers point.

    • Ironsilk says:

      I experience things like this all the time, and most other men have related the same. I am glad to see that I am not alone. I was starting to think that I was crazy. I have to agree with the author that ‘gaslighting’ does exist, but we have to recognize that it is not isolated to men doing it to women. Women do it to men (and each other) and men do it to men. We just react differently. I think there has to be some personal accountability here. We all have a choice in how we act and react. We cannot change others. At best we can simply be present in a situation, be mindful of our reactions, and choose to remain in it and adapt, or just walk away. No matter how someone treats you, you have the choice to be swept up in any emotion or recognize it and let it pass. This goes for men and women.

      Although having conversations about how we as men can improve is important, it is dangerous to accept the extreme feminist mindset that most men-women issues are the result of man’s actions. Men need to accept responsibility for there role, while kindly holding women accountable as well. It takes two to dance.

      • Anonymous says:


        I was hoping that someone would post this viewpoint as I was reading. My last two relationships have been with “gaslighter’s” and I concur. We need to recognize that it is not isolated to men doing it to women. In my case, some men have been conditioned over a lifetime to feel this way too.

    • christina says:

      I like your story… it is common for sure. I’ve been so guilty of this very thing.
      Just reading what you have said about your experience with your girlfriend, it sounds like she was clearly angry about something possibly totally unrelated to you or the circumstances that you found yourself in that night. She seemed to be showing signs of displaced anger. This is exactly what the article is about. Regardless of if you have ever gaslighted your girlfriend, her brain has clearly been trained to displace her anger so that her true emotions will not show and thus not be exposed to ridicule in the form of, “your crazy, sensitive, being emotional….” etc etc.
      The best thing that my husband has ever done for me is to stop me, while throwing fireballs at him for nothing, and ask me what is making me feel this way. He has asked this question in various ways but never in ways that made me feel like i needed to be defensive. It just makes me think and realize that he is right I’m mad about something else and taking it out on him or someone/something else.
      If you take the time to genuinely ask your friend what they are feeling and why they are angry and then LISTEN to what they say…. you may just help your friend out by being their confidant. Someone who they feel like they can trust. That is a great privilege for either man or women.

      On another note… I was very disappointed in the article that it targeted men as being the ones who degrade women’s feelings or actions by saying things that make them feel like what they are feeling doesn’t matter and that they are crazy for feeling those things.
      I am a women and I do this A LOT, to mostly men. This kind of article is great but only if it portrays the full picture and not make it seem like men are always the perpetrators and thus all women have been almost permanently damaged for generations on end because of MEN.
      All human kind has been damaged by this manipulating bully that is so commonly found among us….. and yes I am a woman and I am one of them.

      • Behavior like this, which nearly ever man who’s dated a woman has experienced, is where the idea that “all women are crazy” comes from, not (only) from “gaslighting.”

        Most of the time when things like this happen, men are willing to put up with it, and maybe even to try to understand it, because they care about the women in their lives and they want them to be happy. But after being continually browbeaten about small things (not genuine bad behavior, like showing up 30 minutes late to dinner without saying anything), some men are going to respond by trying to put things in perspective. No, this isn’t usually the most productive way to deal with women expressing their emotions because, from someone else’s point of view, “putting things in perspective” might seem like you’re dismissing the things they care about. But this relational truth doesn’t keep some men from being right when they perceive some women as lacking the perspective on small annoyances in their lives that would help them to be more “emotionally stable” and happy.

        As the above commenter said, the best way to deal with a partner who seems perpetually upset about things that you don’t think matter very much is to acknowledge how they feel and to ask them why they feel that way. But what’s a man supposed to do when he’s basically being emotionally used and abused by a woman who never seems able to deal with problems in her life except through emotional outbursts? Eventually, for men or women who do things like what Ryan talked about, a confrontation is going to need to happen or else the other partner will end up being dominated by unchecked emotion. When these confrontations happen, it’s very difficult not to resort to calling this behavior “crazy,” even though that label is entirely unhelpful. But that isn’t the kind of “pathological” gaslighting that Ali thinks produces the perception that women are “unstable.”

        Finally, I’m afraid that too many of the women who read this will take this as another reason not to question the way they express their emotions, or perhaps, the way they emotionally abuse the men in their lives. While there are certainly some who need to hear this because they’re being “gaslighted,” there are others who just want everything they think and feel to be validated.

      • That is a much more sensible attitude than putting it all on gender Christina.

    • Ryan, I was shocked by your comment, and I hope you don’t actually believe this behavior is typical in women. I am a woman and wouldn’t be friends with or date anyone – man or woman – who behaved that way. It was not “crazy” or “emotional” – she was downright entitled and rude.
      I’d like to offer you a flip perspective. I have been with a man for nearly two years and the weekend he was going to meet my parents, he made other plans and said he “forgot.” When I became upset and asked him how he could forget something so important, I was told to stop flipping out and acting crazy. On a romantic dinner date, he spent 10 minutes on his phone and another 10 talking about how hot our waitress was, and when I told him it upset me, he said can’t go two weeks without me “having a psychological breakdown.” When we first started dating, he once went 5 days without returning a text and when I called him on it, he said he “can’t be in a relationship with someone so needy and emotional.” It’s now taken me two years to realize he has manipulatively managed down all expectations and emotions I may have so that he can do whatever he wants, and I barely saw it coming because I was trying SO HARD to not be another “crazy woman.”

      • Oh Natalie…I am very familiar with that type of man. This one cancelled on me on Christmas Eve so his ex could hang out with him and their dogs and when I called him out on his rude and disrespectful behavior I was told I was over-reacting and needed to be more understanding of her needing to see their dogs.

        Ha! Yes…really. Prime example of manipulative, gaslighting behavior and I broke up with him that day.

        Ryan…no way is that typical of women! Your lady friend sounds as though she was dealing with other issues and projecting onto you or she was simply an a-hole…which happens in any gender.

        I appreciate the message of this article and think we ALL could stand to become more aware of how we react to other’ emotional expression.

        It is extradordinarily frustrating when I hear men I know talk about how women are “crazy”, and when I offer my input suddenly I’m grouped amongst them.

        Frustrating to say the least.

    • Yeah, I’m jumping on this thread a little late, but Ryan: that’s not normal behaviour for a woman. She’s either stressing about something else and taking it out on you (which isn’t fair of her to do so) or she is actually one of those woman who is plain old trouble. There are some people (men, women, either, both) that are just trouble. This woman’s reactions are way off the base – most women won’t act like that. Showing up on time is a great thing! All the woman that I know love that! It’s not like you were an hour early and caught her in the shower. There was no reason to ‘chew you out’ over it. Or anything else that followed.

      Sometimes women are upset about small things that men don’t understand. I’m a woman, and I don’t understand anything that this date of yours did. Things that men might not understand include instances like buying the wrong brand of something or the wrong quantity, not volunteering to help with house chores, staying silent in a situation where the woman feels that you should have spoken up about something, etc. Those are some small things that I’ve gotten upset about with my partner. But the thing is: there is no reason to yell at someone continuously without explanation. She was out of line.

      I hope that was the last date you went on with this woman, and I hope that you don’t put up with that kind of behaviour in the future. All of the women that I know explain when something bothers them. If a woman ever refuses to explain, just tell her calmly that you can’t help if you don’t understand. Make it clear that you want to help, but need her to explain it to you. She might open up. If she continues yelling at you: walk away. You don’t deserve that kind of emotional abuse.

      Best of luck!

    • Ok.. First of all no one is saying that every woman is emotionally stable all the time or that every act of anger etc is ok. The behavior that you experienced was just rude. You are allowed to have feelings and voice your emotions too. Gaslighting is shutting the person down not having a conversation. If they are upset and you are upset it is 100% ok to say that, in fact that is open communication and is healthy for a relationship.
      I’m glad that you commented, though, because in order for this to change we have to know what is what and that isn’t going to happen unless we try and ask questions.
      Gaslighting can happen to ANYONE even though it seems more extreme with woman. The fact still remains it’s not ok to do it to anyone.

    • she’s kooky, IMHO. we’re not all like that. :-)

    • Charlie Ward says:

      Hey man, dump her already. The more you tolerate that crap the more it will happen. You’re not going to win an argument so don’t. She’s always right, don’t you know. And you can’t change people and she shouldn’t be trying to change you. It sounds like she’s a royal pain. I would dump her and make sure she felt it somehow. A man must never be afraid to lose a woman. All that compromising you do makes you weak. Get a back bone and ditch the witch.

      • Take it easy, Charlie. We can all agree that Ryan’s girl was probably a little unhinged, but there’s no need to “make sure she felt it somehow.” That’s a little vindictive. But I digress.

        “A man must never be afraid to lose a woman” has to be the worst piece of advice I’ve ever heard. Compromise does NOT make one weak, it makes one desirable. No one wants to knowingly be in a relationship where their opinion gets overridden on a constant basis. You, Charlie, are a prime illustration that gaslighting doesn’t just happen to women. You’re doing it to Ryan.

        • @Lexie: Charlie is right. Women think its some how ok to get crazy and take it on the man. This is abuse. Men are not emotional tampons that can be used and thrown away. If you don’t have your shit together, figure it out or get help. Its not ok to take it out on men.

          men have forgotten to be man and women are trying to become men. A man should never be afraid to lose a woman. If he does, he doesn’t respect himself more than her.

    • Your date sounds like an unpleasant human being. She would have been just as awful if she were a man. As a woman, I have never done anything like this, and I don’t know any women who would. So maybe the problem is not with women but with the fact that you, for some reason, like to ask out unpleasant human beings. Just a thought.

    • “She made me wait an hour for her while she finished what she was doing. I didn’t get mad, or even question it, I just accepted it and waited”

      Wondering… would you have felt better about yourself if you had decided then that dating someone who values your commitment to being on time and respects your time would feel better? Followed it up with politely letting her know that you’d reconsidered your time together, and leaving.

    • Ryan, you say, “I didn’t get mad; I just accepted it.” That isn’t the complete truth, right? You had to have been bothered by it– I was bothered just reading about your experience.. You didn’t ‘just accept it’ because here you are writing about that woman’s unacceptable behavior. Her paradigms for basically every event of that night were unacceptable. Instead of internalizing it as ‘some women are crazy’, recognize it for being unacceptable and voice your concerns. I hope in future interactions you feel that you can defend yourself and find healthful ways to resolve conflict.

  5. Thank you for this article. I needed to hear this.
    I just ended a relationship due to this behavior.
    My ex would be disrespectful, lie, and would always turn it on me. It became unbearable to communicate, because no matter what he did, I was the emotional one, the crazy one, overreacting. So my feelings didn’t matter. His behavior was never addressed because it was my problem, and not his. Well now it’s his problem and some other woman’s problem, because I am done with the manipulation and abuse. Thank God.

  6. I love this piece. It addresses a really big problem. I read a comment on this article on Facebook where the commenter’s point was that they had a bigger problem with hearing people called crazy than more traditionally offensive curse words. I agree with this idea. Coming from the psychology field, real mental illness is not to be joked about or trifled with. It’s just too serious of an insult for me.

  7. It was this kind of behavior that ended my marriage because my husband thought i was ” too sensitive” and ” manipulating him” by being upset. When ever he made fun of my ethnicity and when he offended me.

  8. Brad Stepanek says:

    Why does the author assert, unchallenged, that this view comes from men ? Because misandrist scapegoating is socially acceptable now, perhaps even rewarded ? Unlike the author I did study psychology: in most classes I was the only male in a class of 30 students, sometimes there was another guy. Women own the field, define its terms, and cater to a mostly female clientele (in part because men do not accept to seek help as readily). They produce the research papers, the clinical studies, contribute it back to society and the public discourse. I am completely equivocal about that. But the author is not: despite the heavy preponderance of women in the field she still finds a way to stigmatise and scapegoat men. Enough with socially-acceptable xenophobia already !

    • Um actually, the author’s a man, bro.

      Also women may disproportionately skew the gender ratio in undergraduate studies but they don’t really “own the field”… Maybe after a few decades of saturation they will (60% of graduating PhDs in psych are women now, but doesn’t mean they’re professors or publishing per se).

      “Despite their advancements, women in psychology earn nearly 9 percent less than men on average, though that number increases with experience level. In addition, a number of psychology subfields and position levels still lack a substantial proportion of women. In academe, for example, about 25 percent of full professors at U.S. graduate departments of psychology are women, despite a nearly proportional gender ratio at the associate professor level. Even within APA, women have not yet caught up with their representation in the field. In 2005, women held less than 38 percent of the editor and associate editor roles with APA journals. And only 11 of APA’s past 115 presidents have been women. Time will tell whether more women will eventually end up in these top spots, both in governance and academe.”

  9. My wife has discovered the term “gaslighting” now she frequently says I am gas lighting her. My understanding is that it is intentional manipulation. I would like to provide an example and get feedback. The other night I asked her if she would like to have sex. She responded with “Im not in the mood.” She was reading a disgusting internet article about animal abuse. I commented that reading that article doesn’t help with “being in the mood.” She immediately stated that I was gaslighting her. I need your help with this, if this is truly gaslighting then I need help, if it is not how do I explain this to her.
    I would like to add, I think that she believes that anytime I make any kind of statement that may suggest why she might be feeling the way she is feeling she considers it gaslighting. She feels that I am blaming her somehow. In my previous example, she stated that it was a blame statement and that I was blaming her for reading a disgusting article. It was not my intention to “blame” her, only to point out that reading something like that wouldn’t really put me “in the mood” either.


    • Ar-In Jay says:

      Your wife was reading an article that understandably did not help her “get in the mood.” However, she was free to read the article, as her brain and body are hers to do with as she pleases (so long as it does not go against the stated bounds of your marriage). What you did was imply that she had no worth to you unless she was preparing herself for sex with you. You told her that enriching her mind, and making herself aware of social issues, was an unnecessary endeavor. All she needs to concern herself with is to be ready and willing to have sex with you all the time. Do you really not see the problem with that?

    • I wish i could speak as well as Ar-In Jay in the English language but his/her comment is basically what i would say too. I would not be in the mood for sex after reading this article and after your comment i would ESPECIALLY not be in the mood. Your comment was just plainly rude and inconsiderate. I hope you 2 can work it out. But… seeing as you really think about it (as it seems at least) and asking for advice from objective 3rd persons i think you are on the right track anyways. Good luck to you two ;)

  10. So damn spot on man!
    I’m a Canadian woman now living in Sweden, the difference on genders perception is striking.
    To a point that now, compare to my boyfriend (a Swede), I’m the sexist one and he is the feminist!
    (I’m usually identify as the “hardcore feminist” back in Canada…)
    He makes me realize that I’m myself making sexists remarks that diminish women! What an eye opener…
    Txs for the article :)

  11. Thank you

  12. Anonymous says:

    I’m a very emotional, sensitive loving woman. I ask my boyfriend alot of questions, I cry alot, I get confused alot. When I apologize for over reacting or for being too sensitive he responds with ” I love all of your emotions ” …….I gaslight myself.

  13. Most women that knows me intimately (well) has called me crazy (because of my natural extrovert and funny nature). However, I know myself to be the most sane person on earth (frequently, very depressed). If I am not crazy, then my accusers are. Therefore all women are crazy.

    I ended up dating my best friend because he is not a woman.

  14. These comments are depressing.

  15. stephanie says:

    I found this happening to me from a very young age and I actually believed I was crazy. I went to a therapist recently and she asked me to identify my emotions and I didn’t even know how to name them. I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling other than anger. I had never actually analyzed what I was feeling and given it a name. Being angry is exhausting and quite frankly I think it does make a person a little crazy if they aren’t allowed to acknowledge it or express it. Thank you for writing this!

  16. Oh how annoying, my reply totally just disappeared. I’m going to try to sum it up real quick because I need to go but I think it’s important for people to realize this:

    I think a big factor of women AND men acting crazy or emotionally unstable is that we are all getting used to reacting to our emotions immediately. We are getting so used to feeling this instant gratification of sending a text or calling someone on their cell phone right away when we are upset about something. We don’t take the time anymore for someone to get home so we can call them or talk to them in person. Even if one person tries to walk away from the situation, the other person can still text-fight with them, even if the person doesn’t reply to any of their texts. We don’t know how to hold in our emotions anymore and wait until we’re less upset and can better voice our feelings. We get so used to this that in a normal person to person interaction, we will just blurt out what we’re feeling because we are not trained to wait and process anymore.

    Also, when we are with someone but on our phones talking/texting other people, we can get upset about something and not realize we are taking it out on the person we are physically with at the moment. Even if our emotions are justified by something that is really going on, that doesn’t mean the person we are with needs to assume that you are in a totally different conversation on your phone and that they just need to take the emotional beating because there’s a reason behind our emotions.

    It’s not helping our society by being connected at all times. It’s convenient and entertaining but it’s totally turning us in to shitty people.

  17. This is a wonderful article. It hits the nail on the head. As a woman I’ve been a victim to gaslighting in the past. The worst part is, if you’re angry and your speaking your mind about it, and the other person tells you to calm down, and stop overreacting, you get angrier and end up getting very annoyed. That ends up as a sort of “justification” why this person told you to stop “overreacting” in the first place. It’s just pathetic

  18. The problem is not only in men, it’s in women too.
    Today we are told through media that a woman can only be any good if she is skinny and hot, and a lot of women took it to heart. And now there are many women who mock other women for not being either of those two. That is also gaslighting. That way they are making them selfconcious of themselves and more introverted. I was one of them, until I decided that I didn’t give a crap what other women thought of me. It was not the women that I was trying to impress, and the men I try to impress with my smarts, not my looks. There are too many pretty women today to even try that.
    Though I must say that most of the men around me look more for an air-headed blond bimbo than an educated woman with an opinion. Is that how it usually is, or am I just that unlucky?
    I had the fortune to not be manipulated like that all that much, and grew to be sensible enough that I know when I am over reacting or not.
    I have some guy friends that I gaslight like that, believe it or not. They were so perplexed the first time I did it. Every time they try to do it to me, I do it to them too. Though, unfortunately, I am a rare case.
    I just hope that more women grow a backbone and stand up for themselves.

  19. I see it very important to separate 3 separate topics here: a) dealing with emotional response (by a human of any gender), b) representation of a minority participant (in a group), and c) constructive communication between humans. When one mixes problems in all these three areas, it becomes very difficult to see the primary causes vs causal consequences.
    Regarding a), whether a man or a woman reacts emotionally it does not matter – at the moment of emotional reaction, the logical brain diminishes its capabilities. Therefore, for constructive continuation one most likely has to spend a few minutes addressing the emotional event – listen, do not object but acknowledge the right to the emotion, wait out. It takes very little, and very short of the right attitude. Then, capacity of logical mind utilization comes back very quickly. Done right, this takes 10-25 seconds for a conversation to go back to constructive discussion with the logical mind engaged therein too.
    Regarding b), the issue at hand seems more generic – a woman in a predominantly male team, or a culture shaped by young testosterone-driven males would usually put the woman in a minority situation, with rules made by a different (or more aggressive in asserting unwritten rules) majority. Whether cultural (western whites vs emigrants), professional (sales dominating engineering/production), gender-based, age-based (old vs young), people with kids, people without kids, etc, the source of the issue comes from inability to deal with otherness and differences. On the contrary, many people have cultural conditioning of gossiping about the otherness, taking emotional pleasure in underlying the differences, how funny they are, etc. As a result, people have no idea what they do, with their “innocent” emails.
    Regarding c), people usually have no idea how the brain parses linguistic expressions. It really matters how one wants to say that they have a problem here with this and that. First of all, whatever they say, they believe 100% at that moment in time (probably backed by a momentary emotional charge too). Therefore, no point in disagreeing right away – you get a fight before even understanding what they say. Secondly, people put the words in the wrong order (emotionally charged first) for an other person to parse and load up in their brain. Start with the emotionally charge one without having introduced the context, and you get the other person defensive, even before they remember that they have worked OK with you for 100 days with no issues. No one formally trains the proper use of linguistic communication for effective collaboration.

    Therefore, knowing how to address c) with understanding of a) will very soon show that any gender-based differentiation in this type of discussions becomes secondary – men and women tend to react differently in emotional circumstances, but that does not constitute the reasons!!! I bet that a man getting angry and bottling up comes to par in number of events per day in a busy office with a woman feeling scared, insecure or threatened, by someone more assertive (be it a man or a woman colleague).

  20. This is an excellent article, and spot on. Those men who I notice are trying so hard to tear it down seem to be out of touch with the fact that men are typically hierarchal, while women are typically democratically team oriented. There are exceptions to both, but if you check out the studies, that’s how it breaks out.

    So, whether it’s from nature (oxytocin vs. testosterone) nurture (men, you need to rule to prove your masculinity!) or both, it’s more often the case that gaslighting is a male on female offense.

    My experience with gaslighting has most recently been my ex-fiance’s favorite manipulation: to simply deny anything that actually happened whenever it’s convenient, deny what he said, doing a complete 180. Then when I insist that what really happened or what really was said was true, he says “you can’t just make sh*t up and then complain about it!

    *That* my friends, is classic gaslighting. It’s the denial of things that actually happened, or making things up that never happened, to manipulate the other person.

    As soon as you realize your man is doing this – get rid of him. He isn’t going to change, and if you keep him, *you* will be the person he damages, by damaging your self-esteem.

    • Janice, even though you didn’t offer any of the studies you mention, it doesn’t matter. Supposing your premise on how men are hierarchical and women are democratic is supported, what in the world does that have to do with supporting your assertion that men gaslight more than women? This article is spot on? This article is more unsupported tripe. Opinion, and unpersuasive opinion at that.

      Your personal story about gaslighting is more compelling than a blanket statement that this article is spot on. It sounds like you reacted to the article from your personal story and that’s authentic and compelling.

      Shaky, unsupported statements that have nothing to do with gaslighting is not compelling. It sounds like you wanted to react to the men who have their own personal stories of being gaslighted and tear down their arguments against the absurd generalizations made in this article.

      And I wouldn’t classify that as emotional abuse, but I wouldn’t classify it as healthy.

  21. I wrote a reaction post to this article which include some additional thoughts and my own personal experiences. here’s the link if anybody is interested: http://crescentbeamcorner.blogspot.co.uk

  22. tired of double standard says:

    yea they wanted equality but still live with a double standard – men are suppose to go investigate the bump in the night men are suppose to lay down their lives men are suppose to sacrifice … not anymore honey welcome to equality you take risk you do the hard physical work and quit the whining cause guess what we suffer just as much only we dont whine about it – in divorce men get totally screwed – what happened to that equality thing?

  23. The worst part from gas-lighting is to have your own family call you a ‘freak’ and PEOPLE think it’s all JUST in your head, like I’m schizophrenic or something.

    Wow, I can’t believe that this single article could create so much chaos – or is it just me?

  24. I’m in a private group on facebook (all women) and one woman, who has a fan page, posted up a scenario where SHE worried that she was being rude in the following scenario.

    She had two men private message her saying how gorgeous she was and hitting on her to which she politely responded that she is married. They continued their behaviour, disregarding her VERY OBVIOUS disinterest and unavailability. She stopped replying but she felt bad that perhaps she was being cruel.
    I’m a strong person who was brought up by a parent who said things like “I wish you were never born” and “I don’t like you, but I love you because I have to” so I have the experience to know manipulative behaviour but I’m not bulletproof and I still have a guilt complex over feeling overly responsible for others feelings. I can spot manipulative behaviour quickly and won’t stand for it anymore, but it is difficult to stand up to people because not only does that make us vulnerable to abuse or rejection but it’s a challenge in itself to confront someone over their behaviour. I definitely see a lot of gaslighting coming from men, especially in the dating scene. This article is just excellent and it addresses a real, and serious, issue. It’s just like men HATE being called creepy, women hate being called crazy!

  25. Thank you for this article. I have issues with my husband doing this to me, but I truly don’t think it’s an intentional thing. I’m trying (with the help of our family therapis) to help him understand how much it hurts to hear him say I’m “emotional”, “overreacting”, or “not giving him the benefit of the doubt” when something upsets me. When we have discussions about disciplining his son (my stepson), he immediately shuts me down and accuses me of making “emotionally-charged decisions”. Basically, if I’m more upset by something than he is, I’m wrong because I’m “taking the situation personally”. I plan on sharing parts of this article with him so that we can discuss it; I hope it helps.

    PS… I should also admit that there certainly are times that my emotions take over, which is also something we’re working on in therapy. I just don’t want it to sound like I’m bashing my husband yet thinking I’m perfect. I love him more than anything and really want us to work together as a team.

  26. This article is very anti-male.

    The sexes are unequal. Deal with it. Blame biology, not men. Women did not evolve to have to think things through using logic and rationality. They evolved as childbearers and nurturers of children. Men evolved to provide, protect, and plan. Every single fight I have ever had with a girlfriend, she has been thinking with her emotions and not with logic, and consistently insists that she is correct despite being confronted with evidence because for a woman “feeling = thinking.” You can’t really get mad at them, it’s just in their nature. Articles like this that make men out to be the bad guy and women out to be strong, independent angels are so far off-base. Stereotypes exist FOR A REASON. Progressive Marxist thought that plagues academia, social science, and the media is responsible for a lot of the societal ills we face today. This is one of the reasons our government has gotten so big and out of control, female voters want a big government to provide safety, financial security, and protection of their feelings and don’t think about the logical side of things such as economics, national security, and societal health. Men and women are different, no matter how much you argue against it, we cannot fight nature.

  27. A good article in general and great advice, but I love how everything is man’s fault, becasue as I man I don’t have felings, and a women would never make any gaslighing comments.
    Also becasue I’m a man I have never had anyone every tell me to relax or to stop showing emotions, except all of society of course, to the point where I can’t actually expess feelings to the peoeple I love which is a cosnstant stuggle for any long term relationship.

    I’m so sick of sexist women!

  28. Two words: Zelda Fitzgerald

  29. It’s important to point out that men gaslight other men who step outside the “masculinity” box and women gaslight other women who step out of the “femininity box.” And there are female bullies who gaslight their male partners, too. The problem here isn’t “men” vs. “women.” It’s people who need to control, male and female, because they feel powerless. Dr. Robin Stern defined the dynamic well in her book “The Gaslight Effect.” Excerpts from her book,

    “Needing to be right in order to preserve your own sense of self and your sense of having power in the world. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word they tell you or sincerely feel that they are only saving you from yourself. From the gaslighter’s point of view, they’re just protecting themselves. However they decide to explain the world to themselves, that’s how you must see it, too—or leave them prey to unbearable anxiety. They are unwilling to believe their discomfort may be caused by the situation or by their own issues. They are incapable of seeing that their discomfort is separate from your intent.”

  30. I have been a victim of this and seen it happen around me a lot. However, I have also noted that my man is not guilty of this. Usually when I try to brush something off he actually brings it back to find out what the issue is. Especially if it is because of him.

  31. My husband said that a woman will never be President because of the way MEN think.

  32. So you’re saying that it’s all men’s fault no woman is president. gotcha. ok. well then i guess women simply aren’t allowed to vote. Or, if they are, then quite obviously men must outnumber women 457 to 1 at the polls…

    GTFO with your senseless, useless, worthless, baseless broad-sweeping generalizations. you are doing nothing but taking up space and wasting oxygen.

  33. Your husband is wrong. Women have been voted into the top political leadership position in India, Pakistan, Great Britain, Israel, Germany, Philippines,…

    BTW, it was the women’s vote that brought the German Nazis and Italian Fascist into power resulting in the world’s most destructive war.

  34. Sadly, I knew a girl in high school who said a woman could never be president because women are too emotional.

  35. Loling @ you says:

    The only reason a woman would never become president is because she never tried hard enough to be president.

  36. Patrice Winter says:

    so true

  37. I think statistically there are more “thinking” women than men. We have the numbers, we can unify and organize, and we can help to evolve that viewpoint.

  38. Lady Cass says:

    The way that men think isn’t the only problem. The way that women degrade each other is also an issue.

  39. Nonsensical Comment. Women are over half the population. To put it all on men is acting as if women don’t have some ways to change how they think too… as if they too don’t have responsibility… oversimplification.

    Myself and at least 25 Million other men will vote for Hillary in the 2016 presidential election. I don’t expect her to get the majority of the male vote, but it will be close, and she may, in fact, do worse with women than Obama.

    Hillary also did not lose the 2008 primary because of men. Both polled pretty even between men and women.

  40. Go Hillary 2016!!

  41. Any evidence in favor of your last statement? What was the percentage of wome who voted for them? What was the percentage of men? Was that difference – if it existed – enough to bring them into power?

  42. The U.S. has already had de facto women presidents anyway. Certainly women who were major decisionmakers and presidential powerbrokers in their own right. John Adams and James Madison didn’t make any big decisions without talking to Abigail and Dolley first. When Woodrow Wilson was incapacitated by a stroke, his wife was for all intents and purposes in charge of the White House in 1920. In the 80’s, when the cameras left the room, the first thing Ronald Reagan usually said was “Where’s Nancy?” Not to mention the fact that there are White House insiders who joke half-seriously that Hillary already has been President, in the 1990’s….

  43. LOLing Woman says:

    My husband was refrring to the USA. I hope he’s wrong, but my instincts say something else.

  44. Women couldn’t vote in Italy until 1946.
    Fascism formally ended in 1945.

  45. Aharon, in making your last comment, you’re missing a whole heap (several decades) of complex social and political context. Plus there might be an inaccuracy in there. Probably best not to make such bald comments without considering the multiple factors in play? Someone might misinterpret your intent.

  46. Unfortunately, if you look at current and former presidents and prime ministers around the globe who are were women, you find they did NOT appoint other women to their cabinets nor their ranks of advisors. Women throw other women under the bus at every opportunity. Women believe it takes a man’s persona, experience to succeed. Some women will have one close female friend, i.e., Hillary Clinton, Oprah!, but never more than one. Just the way we women are wired.

  47. Way to completely provide a real life example of what the article is about. “BTW, it was the women’s vote that brought the German Nazis and Italian Fascist into power resulting in the world’s most destructive war.” Who would take you seriously after that absurd remark? Facepalm.

  48. Jessica Austin, TX says:

    Aharon, point taken with your first observation. However, the subsequent comment requires a nuanced, historically contextual explanation. Without data to back up this sweeping proclamation, your “BTW, it was women…” comes across as defensive and suspect.

  49. sadfulness says:

    Right, because female candidates TOTALLY just have people lining up like crazy to fund their campaigns. Definitely.

  50. Wow, I can see here that you are an experienced gaslighter yourself. Congratulations.

  51. NoNameNecessary says:

    Your entire comment is over-emotional, openly aggressive, attacking, and massively projects your own assumptions onto a single sentence comment that was not even an expression of the commenter’s own opinion. There is not a shred of logical discussion in your attack. Try again.

  52. LMAO …seriously… You talk about democracy but you tell someone who expresses an opinion you don’t like that they waste oxygen, and to gtfo?

    Seriously, chill out dude, and go buy yourself some self-esteem because if you need to spit your hatred on anyone who says something even slightly idiotic on the internet then you really have issues in the confidence department…

  53. wait…. that last part is a joke right? cause it reads kinda like gaslighting…..

  54. This comment is gaslighting .. thank you for such a clear example.

  55. Jeanette says:

    Stop being so overemotional and hysterical. Nobody is going to listen to you if you’re so shrill. You need to calm down and collect yourself.

    /See what I did there?

  56. Kate Liesl says:


  57. Wow! That is a lot of anger and meanness expressed for such a small comment.

  58. Anonymous says:

    Article’s point proven with your comments.

  59. 100%Cotton says:

    Poor Hillary. No money, no funding. The first REAL shot at a woman President and what happened? That big old bad Obama just privileged himself right over her head!

  60. Peter Houlihan says:

    -ahem-Your secretary of state-ahem-

  61. There are what, 8 million more female voters vs male? Why aren’t women supporting the female candidates? Are these candidates in particular just terrible vs the males in this current run? Are the women supporting and funding these women?

  62. No, a woman can never be president because they cannot be held ACCOUNTABLE. Legally they are treated like children. If a woman drinks and has sex with a man, that man is instantly guilty of rape. And basically they can murder anyone they want and get away with it. Well, if they’re white anyway.

  63. rebecca says:

    that’s what the sexist pigs want us woman to think so we will stay out of politics, have no aspirations, and stay at home where THEY want us. note: I have no problem with a woman who chooses on her own accord to stay home with her kids when they are preschool or even when they are in elementary but I do have a problem with how some men (key there is SOME) think that is a woman’s ‘place’ no it should be our choice and be respected as that.

  64. I hear this all the time, then I mention Queen Elizabeth I

  65. True, women can also gaslight. My ex-wife was amazingly manipulative in that regard. Everything that the article cites as examples of what men do to women, my ex did to me, our children, and her friends.

  66. Frankly, if all women had the same emotional stability as high school aged girls, she may have had a valid point. Thankfully, people usually grow up and get past that.

  67. Anonymous says:

    Perhaps your high school shool forgot to teach that there are countries like Finland and Iceland and many more with femail presidents. This is so sad when education fails people.

  68. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Mod note; Edited for personal attack on the commenter. Can’t be held accountable, kind of like the shitheads that dumped our economy in the toilet? Were those all women? When are they going to jail for that again?

  69. I can understand your comment, but I do disagree with it. Women are accountable as men are, there are potential issues with the alcohol + sex if the law is gendered. There are women who do get convicted with murder, there might be the odd one that slips away but you’ll probably find men who get off too. If you can provide stats and info though to backup your claims, I’d like to see them.

  70. If a man drinks and signs a contract he can rescind!!!!!!

  71. Dave that is the stupidest thing I’ve heard. (am I gaslighting or he just crazy?) How many convictions of rape are there in America at the moment? How many of those go to prison? I like how you think there is some grand conspiracy by women to convict all sexually active men (nearly al of them??) with rape when the facts say otherwise.

    People like you are the reason assholes try to pass laws like this

  72. So many lies so little time. Actually sir, the numbers for false rape reports are often inflated (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/Publications_NSVRC_Overview_False-Reporting.pdf). Having drunk sex and waking up the next morning feeling guilty about it does not count as rape. Should people be having sex at that level of intoxication? No. Consent gets sketchy then. And actually, if you were to go on rainn.org, you would find many wonderful statistics on rape reports and offenders. The more you know right? And women don’t get off easy for murder. They, just like everyone else, have to answer to their actions. I do however agree that white people have it way easier. And I do agree that women are treated are treated like children unfairly and wrongly.

  73. Jennifer says:

    That is a myth. When a woman wants to accuse a man of rape, its her character that goes on trial. This can be easily observed in high profile rape cases if you listen to the language used by reporters and those creating commentary on the event itself. There is also a huge myth about how easily women can accuse men of rape on college campuses. If you really think a woman drinks and has sex with a man that the man can easily be accused of rape, I would encourage you to research the channels women need to go through in order to do so. http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/i-got-raped-then-my-problems-started

  74. textbook misogyny example

  75. HAHAHA! I don’t usually laugh out loud but I laughed out loud when I read your comment. Yea, when are all those people going to jail, I forget!

  76. So false!!

  77. Women like Thatcher will get my vote every time. Hillary…not so much.

  78. please. women have had to try at least twice as hard for most things…or many times more that. the right to vote, for instance.

  79. care to expand?

  80. Wrong women are not as much held accountable as men when it comes to sentencing. Like it or not women are treated more delicately than men because they are perceived as weaker. This sexism helps no one. Buts honestly this article is dumb I have met plenty of women who say mean things to men and then say they are just testing them. I have met plenty of men who are emotionally unstable.

  81. Stefan Thiesen says:

    What then is specifically different between American men and men elsewhere?

  82. agree

  83. Pat Riarchy says:

    rebecca, that sort of psychotic nonsense is what has caused all the problems females now face. Men don’t want them. Please name a few of these sexist pigs who want females to be dependents on men so that men have to work even harder and miss out on their own children. Maybe you haven’t noticed a term called EQUALITY. That is to say that men want to be treated equally. If a female has the choice to quit work and retire then why can’t a father have the same choices? The problem is that females are determined not to work and not to be responsible for even themselves let alone their offspring.

    Why haven’t you stood for election? If you are over 18 without a criminal record you are in. But no. You blame men for you not doing something you are freely able to do. That is truly pathetic in and of itself but it also exhibits clear indicators of clinical psychosis. This is what has caused society to cleave along gender lines. Men are bad. Men oppress females. All psychotic nonsense. However, the losers out of your misandry are females. In 7 years time men will have a choice and you females can not possibly compete. Human females will go the way of the dinosaur while we men explore the Universe. It’s just natural evolutionary progress although we men are boosting it along by a few hundred million years.

  84. I think it’s important to note that Rebecca said “SOME MEN”:however you Pat have generalized all women as lazyand irresponsible. Thank you for your insight!
    Also, I am intrigued into your prediction into the next 7 years… Please explain?

  85. A natural evolutionary process? If you ever turned on the Discovery channel or picked up a science book, you would note that women greatly outnumber men, and many are rising into positions of power all over the world. Your archaic views on women and their alleged determination not to work makes you the dinosaur, sir. All of the women that I know, including myself, are hard workers that have absolutely no desire to slow down, put their feet up, and leave all the work to the men.

  86. Well, man, in todays world (at least in developed countries) men DO have a choice whether to stay at home with kids or to work. The question is: do they use their right to do so? At least in my country many men are still bullied for choosing fatherhood, and they’re bullied by men, not women. Does that say anything to you?
    You’re plain generalising what all females are determined to do (not to work and not to be responsible). Seriously? Is that all you know about women?Thats the same as I’d be saying “all men only want to rape women /use women/etc”, which is obviously not true. Not all men oppress females, yet many men do,as they are raised believing they are entitled to be respected and heard, whereas a woman must act a certain way to be respected and heard.
    Your diagnose of “psychotic nonsense” is a clear evidence you can’t handle oppinions you don’t like. I suggest you read the article once again, cause thats exactly what it was about- calling women psychos and etc. just because you don’t like what they’re saying.

  87. Emily Baker says:

    I work four jobs to provide for my husband and child. (Peeks down shirt and pants.) Yep, still female.
    And actually, one has to be at least 35 years of age to run for President.

  88. NicoleZ says:

    I’m sure Hillary would disagree.

  89. ^or because of systemic sexism in American politics and society…
    I would love to see a female president! But I worry that because of stereotypes about women (to take the author’s example, being labeled over-emotional or “crazy”), it might be hard for us as a country (both genders) to get there. Both men and women can push for more equal representation of women in media and politics!

    Loved the article and appreciated the arguments. Thanks!

  90. The main reason most people will never become president is that we’ve got over 300 million citizens in this country, and there can be only one president in a given 4-year term.

  91. Margerie says:

    Because women don’t have as much money as men. They are kept out of the highest paying jobs. And the ones who have managed to become wealthy aren’t going to risk their careers funding a liberal candidate.
    It would be awesome if women could earn as much money as men and fund these candidates, but they don’t. Until they do, the United States and many other countries will continue being run by men.

  92. What about Queen Elizabeth II?

    Actually, during the Renaissance, when the world was overtly patriarchal, women held power in France (Catherine de Medici), Spain (Isabella), Scotland (Mary, Queen of Scots) and England (Bloody Mary, Elizabeth I). This would be every major monarchy in western Europe, except the Holy Roman Empire.

  93. I don’t agree, I feel that there is less choice of women to select from and that is because women are not given the opportunity to pursue their work beyond a certain upper management level. If there are a 100 men and just 2 women to select from then how can there be women selected

  94. ogwriter says:

    Meghan Only two women have run for president in the entitre history of this country.Shirley Chisolm,the first,ran in ’72.Think about that for a moment.A black women from Barbados,in a uber racist and sexist country who doesn’t have the money or power or connections of Hillary (and many other white women-hello Diane Fientein,Barbara Boxer-Nancy Pelosi and many,many others).Yet, she ran.As far as I am concerned Hillary treats the office like she is entitled to it. Hence,I would vote for a Shirley Chisolm,but not a soft,entitled, woman like Hillary. Hillary said herself recently that women need to stop bellyaching,making excuses and run for office.Privilege can take the edge off a person.

  95. God, I love facts. Thank you.

  96. Anne Skupin says:

    GASLIGHTING!!!! This is a response from a 70 yr. old grandmother with 2 under grad degrees and a MFA who has been told she is “too sensitive”, “over-reacting”, and her perceptions are just plain wrong, more often than she would like to remember since she was a young child up to as recent as 6 months ago.
    Is it not possible for most “adults” to listen to one another and at the worst just agree to disagree? is it necessary to tell others how to think, to attack their opinions and to be hostile toward anything the listener does not agree with?
    The comment above is a beautiful example of how to do fail to do any of these things!

  97. Agree and I’m sorry you had to put up with that for so many years! Hopefully the next generations will be far more evolved. We are paving the way for them!

  98. Poetentiate says:

    Kept out? by whom?

  99. Uggg please stop commenting, the reason YOU (not all women, just you) don’t make as much money as a man is because you’re not as intelligent and/or hardworking – that’s it, plain and simple. You revealed as much with your comment on women being kept out of the highest paying jobs. High paying jobs aren’t just handed out, if you want that high paying job you have to be willing to work the long hours and sacrifice for that type of work and position.

    Do you need a list of women that are incredibly successful? Here’s a few: Sheryl Sandberg, Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Virginia Rometty, Ursula Burns, Meg Whitman, Nancy Pelosi, Anne Sweeney, Marissa Mayer, Marylynn Hewson, Amy Pascal, Arianna Huffington and the list goes on and on and on….

    None of these women complained about being kept out of the highest paying jobs, google them all, they’re all at the top of their fields making the most money. The United States will continue to be run by men because most women wouldn’t want that job, if they really did I’m sure they would be just as successful as men are if not more so.

    Do some research before you make such a sexist comment, your lack of effort when making such a post revealed to everyone why YOU don’t have a high paying job.

  100. Legal Eagle says:

    This is a misstatement of the law. Generally, intoxication is no defense to enforcement of a contract. In some states, if the promisor is very intoxicated, the promisor may disclaim assent, but only if he or she does so immediately upon sobering up.

  101. Some men do have a choice to stay home with the kids – but it is a fallacy to think it is a really choice for all men. I brought this up in a conversation at a dinner party once and ended up having the biggest fight of a relationship because I had the audacity to suggest that I would be willing to stay home with the kids if that situation came up. It was merely a hypothetical, and it nearly caused a break up. I live in a modern, first world country – and this woman is a lawyer. I know 4 men who stay home with kids – I know hundred of women who do – It’s still far away from being an Actual choice for men – and It continues to be a viable option for women..if they so choose. Just because it is allowed and happens – does not mean its an on going option for most people.

  102. This, it’s heart breaking to see women fight each other over such petty things when we could unite and be a great force in the world.

  103. I completely agree with you. While I agree with this article for the most part, I think he should have also spoken about the fact that women do this to other women all the time, not just men. And In my opinion, that is so much worse. Women should support, uplift and respect each other. Instead, we have petty, catty, and cruel emotional manipulation going on.

  104. Tell me about it. One woman I know HATES other women. I’m trying to teach her that no, women as a whole are not bad, just some PEOPLE are. Her family seems to have a low opinion of women altogether, so I see where she gets it from. I used to be catty but I realized that was immature. Women need to encourage other women like you said, not tear them down.

  105. That in itself is sexism. You’re just as bad as the people you claim are bad.

  106. That is correct. My mother was offered one of the highest paying jobs in her firm, but she declined. And you know why? Because she didn’t want it. If she accepted it, it would mean that she would have to enter a political party, longer hours (which means less time with her family, and there are me and my two brothers, which is a lot here). It was her choice that she declined it.
    Women don’t think like men. Men are basically single minded, while women look at everything. That means that men will focus on one thing and will know that one thing only, but they will know it fantastically, better than anyone else (if they have the potential). Women though, they cannot focus on just one thing, they look at everything. Which means that they know more things and know them very, very well, but they will not be fantastical in anything.
    That is the main reason why there are more men in higher ranked jobs than women.
    Plus, a lot of men, once they stopped working, have admitted that they would have much rather spend more time with their family than worked. That that is one of their biggest regrets.
    Look at that angle too, not just one.


  1. […] A 2012 piece posted to the Good Men Project site suggests that gaslighting may be a gendered phenomenon — in other words, it posits that women are disproportionately subjected to gaslighting behaviors, including in the workplace. In “Why Women Aren’t Crazy,” author Yashar Ali writes: […]

  2. […] girls that the most important thing about her is her appearance, not her brains. Later in life, we manipulate women against trusting their own instincts, or themselves. From start to finish, we barrage women and girls with everything wrong about them. They […]

  3. […] interesting article of the act of “gaslighting” and why it’s hurting […]

  4. […] Excerpts from http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/ […]

  5. […] replacing the neurotic messages we send to women and girls with something true, something sane, something […]

  6. […] just read this super insightful piece about how it’s pretty common for people to tell women they’re overreacting/too […]

  7. […] the term Gaslighting… This was a new term for me. You can read the blog entry in its entirety HERE titled Why Women Aren’t […]

  8. […] Am I being melodramatic? Is the fact that I just asked if I’m being melodramatic simply the product of centuries of reinforced gaslighting? […]

  9. […] Has gaslighting conditioned women into thinking they're emotionally unstable? Yashar Ali thinks so.  […]

  10. […] originalmente publicado no blog do Yashar, The Current Conscience. Nós lemos pela primeira vez no The Good Men Project. Tradução feita com permissão do […]

  11. […] an article making it’s rounds on social media called Why Women Aren’t Crazy.  It has words that I needed to hear.  I didn’t know I needed to hear them, but I did. […]

  12. C O O LTURA says:

    […] publicado no blog do Yashar, The Current Conscience. Nós lemos pela primeira vez no The Good Men Project. Tradução feita com permissão do […]

  13. […] Why Women Aren’t Crazy. An older one that I think I’ve shared before, but still really good. […]

  14. […] habe ich in einem Artikel darüber gelesen, wie sehr Frauen sich “typisch weibliche” Eigenschaften einreden […]

  15. […] ‘Why Women Aren’t Crazy’ by Yashar Ali is worth a read as he describes and illustrates how this interchange gets going, and how it sets up a passive aggressive response in the woman.  I would add though that this dynamic doesn’t just appear between men and women, but between gay and lesbian couples, close same-sex friendships and work relationships, but yes I agree, it is most obvious between a heterosexual couple. […]

  16. […] been wanting to talk about this post on The Good Men Project for a while now. But you know – one thing after another, etc etc. […]

  17. […] Men Project, and they’ve posted, in my opinion, some interesting and thought-provoking things as well. I get my conversations about ethical masculinity, as well as a million other things and […]

  18. […] “What he [Ali] claimed was that when women are told they are being defensive or over-reacting, it’s because of pervasive institutional sexism seeking to shut them down. There is therefore no such thing as an unreasonable woman. End of story” (1). […]

  19. […] when I was perusing the internet in my downtime and was caught my the article title “Why Women Aren’t Crazy.”  The writer Yashar Ali makes what I believe is an incredibly astute argument regarding how […]

  20. […] Yashar Ali wrote a good description of where the term gaslighting comes from and what it is. […]

  21. […] teach the way I’ve been taught. As Taylor Swift would say, the cycle ends right now: the bulldozing cycle*.  It’s funny how you set out to change your students and they end up changing you. And yes, […]

  22. […] gaslighting har även börjat användas i feministiska kretsar men då från ett mer strukturellt perspektiv. Istället för att prata om enskilda manipulativa individer så diskuteras gaslighting som en […]

  23. […] feeds a sexual assault cover-up quite like the pervasive idea that women are crazy for addressing bad behavior. Students in Maryville were quick to tell Charlie Coleman (the older […]

  24. […] publicado no blog do Yashar, The Current Conscience. Nós lemos pela primeira vez no The Good Men Project. Tradução feita com permissão do […]

  25. […] asshats, are just not savvy in the realm of interpersonal communications, are intentionally gaslighting you (link to a fantastic piece on The Good Men Project), or are disordered something-paths or […]

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