Has gaslighting conditioned women into thinking they’re emotionally unstable? Yashar Ali thinks so.
You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?
If you’re a woman, it probably does.
Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?
When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.
And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.
I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.
I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.
The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.
Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.
The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.
Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.
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My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”
My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot her down and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”
Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.
But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.
While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.
And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.
Why?
Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.
It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.
Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.
These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.
When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”
That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.
No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.
They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.
You know how it looks: “You’re late 
”
These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.
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Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.
From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.
Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”
Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.
As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.
I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”
I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.
While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.
When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”
So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.
But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?
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Yashar will be soon releasing his first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.
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This post originally appeared on The Current Conscience.
—Photo lempicki.maciek/Flickr
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Read Mark Greene’s response:
About Yashar Ali
Hmm.. I have seen men overreacting too, many of them get into physical fights with each other at the slightest provocation and when it is easier to rationally reason and get a deal on they want to take it out physically which being a woman I find strange. Gaslighting might be a technique to make a person feel crazy but I don’t think it is restricted to men or women. Somehow men do not have that much emotional bandwidth to understand just as women don’t understand why men want to get physical about everything – fighting or love !!
I too know how it feels to be treated like this. My late husband was so good at making me feel inadequate, too emotional, like there was something wrong with me! God rest his soul. Now I’m on my own & my daughter makes me feel the same way. I cry so easily. I wish people knew how this makes us feel. This article is so well written. I apprectiate you writting this & shedding light on such a sensitive & hurtful behavior… Thank you for this article.
I’m sorry you are going through this, Sunny.
You’re not crazy, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Best of luck.
Women freak out over the smallest things more frequently, and men freak out more aggressively and violent over equally petty things, though less frequently. Does this generalization sound silly? Just as silly as the generalizations characterized in the above article. Everyone has the tendency to act crazy in some way over something ridiculous, and everyone has at some point. Now go make me a sandwich.
I don’t know if you guys learn much about what goes on outside of the USA, but in Australia we already have a woman prime minister and governor general. I guess some countries are behind, even in their way of thinking ……
Just FYI, this is a clip from Australian politics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHeDD9tnFw4
I’m sure you weren’t trying to imply that Australia is sexism-free, of course.
I get this to a degree from my Grandparents.
“You’d be so pretty if you lost some weight”…
My husband said that a woman will never be President because of the way MEN think.
So you’re saying that it’s all men’s fault no woman is president. gotcha. ok. well then i guess women simply aren’t allowed to vote. Or, if they are, then quite obviously men must outnumber women 457 to 1 at the polls…
GTFO with your senseless, useless, worthless, baseless broad-sweeping generalizations. you are doing nothing but taking up space and wasting oxygen.
Your husband is wrong. Women have been voted into the top political leadership position in India, Pakistan, Great Britain, Israel, Germany, Philippines,…
BTW, it was the women’s vote that brought the German Nazis and Italian Fascist into power resulting in the world’s most destructive war.
Sadly, I knew a girl in high school who said a woman could never be president because women are too emotional.
The only reason a woman would never become president is because she never tried hard enough to be president.
so true
I think statistically there are more “thinking” women than men. We have the numbers, we can unify and organize, and we can help to evolve that viewpoint.
Any evidence in favor of your last statement? What was the percentage of wome who voted for them? What was the percentage of men? Was that difference – if it existed – enough to bring them into power?
The U.S. has already had de facto women presidents anyway. Certainly women who were major decisionmakers and presidential powerbrokers in their own right. John Adams and James Madison didn’t make any big decisions without talking to Abigail and Dolley first. When Woodrow Wilson was incapacitated by a stroke, his wife was for all intents and purposes in charge of the White House in 1920. In the 80′s, when the cameras left the room, the first thing Ronald Reagan usually said was “Where’s Nancy?” Not to mention the fact that there are White House insiders who joke half-seriously that Hillary already has been President, in the 1990’s….
My husband was refrring to the USA. I hope he’s wrong, but my instincts say something else.
Women couldn’t vote in Italy until 1946.
Fascism formally ended in 1945.
Aharon, in making your last comment, you’re missing a whole heap (several decades) of complex social and political context. Plus there might be an inaccuracy in there. Probably best not to make such bald comments without considering the multiple factors in play? Someone might misinterpret your intent.
Unfortunately, if you look at current and former presidents and prime ministers around the globe who are were women, you find they did NOT appoint other women to their cabinets nor their ranks of advisors. Women throw other women under the bus at every opportunity. Women believe it takes a man’s persona, experience to succeed. Some women will have one close female friend, i.e., Hillary Clinton, Oprah!, but never more than one. Just the way we women are wired.
Right, because female candidates TOTALLY just have people lining up like crazy to fund their campaigns. Definitely.
Wow, I can see here that you are an experienced gaslighter yourself. Congratulations.
Your entire comment is over-emotional, openly aggressive, attacking, and massively projects your own assumptions onto a single sentence comment that was not even an expression of the commenter’s own opinion. There is not a shred of logical discussion in your attack. Try again.
LMAO …seriously… You talk about democracy but you tell someone who expresses an opinion you don’t like that they waste oxygen, and to gtfo?
Seriously, chill out dude, and go buy yourself some self-esteem because if you need to spit your hatred on anyone who says something even slightly idiotic on the internet then you really have issues in the confidence department…
wait…. that last part is a joke right? cause it reads kinda like gaslighting…..
This comment is gaslighting .. thank you for such a clear example.
Stop being so overemotional and hysterical. Nobody is going to listen to you if you’re so shrill. You need to calm down and collect yourself.
/See what I did there?
Poor Hillary. No money, no funding. The first REAL shot at a woman President and what happened? That big old bad Obama just privileged himself right over her head!
-ahem-Your secretary of state-ahem-
There are what, 8 million more female voters vs male? Why aren’t women supporting the female candidates? Are these candidates in particular just terrible vs the males in this current run? Are the women supporting and funding these women?
No, a woman can never be president because they cannot be held ACCOUNTABLE. Legally they are treated like children. If a woman drinks and has sex with a man, that man is instantly guilty of rape. And basically they can murder anyone they want and get away with it. Well, if they’re white anyway.
that’s what the sexist pigs want us woman to think so we will stay out of politics, have no aspirations, and stay at home where THEY want us. note: I have no problem with a woman who chooses on her own accord to stay home with her kids when they are preschool or even when they are in elementary but I do have a problem with how some men (key there is SOME) think that is a woman’s ‘place’ no it should be our choice and be respected as that.
I hear this all the time, then I mention Queen Elizabeth I
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Mod note; Edited for personal attack on the commenter. Can’t be held accountable, kind of like the shitheads that dumped our economy in the toilet? Were those all women? When are they going to jail for that again?
I can understand your comment, but I do disagree with it. Women are accountable as men are, there are potential issues with the alcohol + sex if the law is gendered. There are women who do get convicted with murder, there might be the odd one that slips away but you’ll probably find men who get off too. If you can provide stats and info though to backup your claims, I’d like to see them.
If a man drinks and signs a contract he can rescind!!!!!!
Dave that is the stupidest thing I’ve heard. (am I gaslighting or he just crazy?) How many convictions of rape are there in America at the moment? How many of those go to prison? I like how you think there is some grand conspiracy by women to convict all sexually active men (nearly al of them??) with rape when the facts say otherwise.
People like you are the reason assholes try to pass laws like this
http://www.alternet.org/gender/crazy-republican-lawmaker-wants-jail-rape-victims-ending-pregnancies
So many lies so little time. Actually sir, the numbers for false rape reports are often inflated (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/Publications_NSVRC_Overview_False-Reporting.pdf). Having drunk sex and waking up the next morning feeling guilty about it does not count as rape. Should people be having sex at that level of intoxication? No. Consent gets sketchy then. And actually, if you were to go on rainn.org, you would find many wonderful statistics on rape reports and offenders. The more you know right? And women don’t get off easy for murder. They, just like everyone else, have to answer to their actions. I do however agree that white people have it way easier. And I do agree that women are treated are treated like children unfairly and wrongly.
HAHAHA! I don’t usually laugh out loud but I laughed out loud when I read your comment. Yea, when are all those people going to jail, I forget!
So false!!
care to expand?
Wrong women are not as much held accountable as men when it comes to sentencing. Like it or not women are treated more delicately than men because they are perceived as weaker. This sexism helps no one. Buts honestly this article is dumb I have met plenty of women who say mean things to men and then say they are just testing them. I have met plenty of men who are emotionally unstable.
What then is specifically different between American men and men elsewhere?
agree
rebecca, that sort of psychotic nonsense is what has caused all the problems females now face. Men don’t want them. Please name a few of these sexist pigs who want females to be dependents on men so that men have to work even harder and miss out on their own children. Maybe you haven’t noticed a term called EQUALITY. That is to say that men want to be treated equally. If a female has the choice to quit work and retire then why can’t a father have the same choices? The problem is that females are determined not to work and not to be responsible for even themselves let alone their offspring.
Why haven’t you stood for election? If you are over 18 without a criminal record you are in. But no. You blame men for you not doing something you are freely able to do. That is truly pathetic in and of itself but it also exhibits clear indicators of clinical psychosis. This is what has caused society to cleave along gender lines. Men are bad. Men oppress females. All psychotic nonsense. However, the losers out of your misandry are females. In 7 years time men will have a choice and you females can not possibly compete. Human females will go the way of the dinosaur while we men explore the Universe. It’s just natural evolutionary progress although we men are boosting it along by a few hundred million years.
I think it’s important to note that Rebecca said “SOME MEN”:however you Pat have generalized all women as lazyand irresponsible. Thank you for your insight!
Also, I am intrigued into your prediction into the next 7 years… Please explain?
A natural evolutionary process? If you ever turned on the Discovery channel or picked up a science book, you would note that women greatly outnumber men, and many are rising into positions of power all over the world. Your archaic views on women and their alleged determination not to work makes you the dinosaur, sir. All of the women that I know, including myself, are hard workers that have absolutely no desire to slow down, put their feet up, and leave all the work to the men.
I’m sure Hillary would disagree.
Because women don’t have as much money as men. They are kept out of the highest paying jobs. And the ones who have managed to become wealthy aren’t going to risk their careers funding a liberal candidate.
It would be awesome if women could earn as much money as men and fund these candidates, but they don’t. Until they do, the United States and many other countries will continue being run by men.