Good Men (and Women) can resist the empty, degrading advances of the cowards who catcall.
Hello! My name is Rebecca! If you’re like me, you’ve experienced the pain of being seen as inferior. Perhaps your personal perpetrator was a boss, parents, your alpha-male friends, your vindictive superego, or the promise of the life you never had. In other words, surely at some point you’ve been made to feel low. But as Good Men are empathetic and realistic enough to know, inferiority is much more institutionally and socially enforced when you are a woman.
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Ah, womanhood! Let me tell you about that mystical, pinkly glossy world! It’s awful. It makes me feel awful every day. As you’ve surely witnessed, females (or anyone perceived as female) encounter a barrage of catcalls, wolf whistles, creepy whispers, wet-smacking kissy noises, prolonged and insistent stares, hollered declarations of expletive-laden anger masquerading as “desire,” and the occasional penis pull-out. (Really? I think that’s just foolish. What if I had a knife?)
This verbal abuse happens everywhere: walking down the street, riding public transportation, existing in the world. Being decent bystanders, reasonable men must think to themselves upon witnessing this entitled, exploitative bullying, “What idiots, that’s no way to talk to a human.” Or “What idiots. That’s no way to get laid.”
I too have thought these things, but here’s the weird thing! I’m not the Everyman standing on the sidelines, scratching my head in disapproval as I witness this marvel of human grandiosity and insensitivity, this counter-productive shaming of sexuality that encourages people to hide their sexuality (not share it with you in mutually orgasmic rapture). I’m not the Everyman who then walks off in a different direction—male and undisturbed—to shoot some hoops and play some b-ball with my dudes on the courts (because that’s what I’ve been taught you people do).
No! Being female, I’m constantly shocked to discover that I’m the one caught in the crosshairs, I’m the one the average, unthinking male is trying to trip with a banana peel and call it a “compliment.” MA, YOU’RE SEXY (punch in the face). BOO-TI-FUL *snicker* YOU LOOK GOOD (stab to the gut). Silently seething, I feel tricked. I thought I was the Everyman! Because men are the default gender, and man is the synecdoche for human, and because I was taught I was equal, I’m still reeling, unendingly indignant to be casually browbeaten.
How do I make it stop? No matter how (ineffectually) I don my (camouflaging) “tomboy” gear, I get treated like a sex slave and a school nerd getting stuffed in a locker. Street harassment makes me feel hurt (to be teased), befuddled (to have my understanding of the diversity and richness of sexuality mutated, limited and used against me), and powerless (to stop it in any way what’s actively taught and encouraged by society). It makes me want to do all kinds of non-sexual, violent things.
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This unexamined aggression is the first in a series of steps that dehumanizes 50 percent of the population, makes them more liable to hate themselves, be ashamed of themselves, be attacked, be raped, be killed. So let’s take a small collective step to stop it.
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So what can Good Men and Their Allies (that’s me, and the rest of the XX-chromosomal crowd) do about these high-strung and cripplingly insecure individuals who are collectively socialized to dominate and be dead inside!? Since we all know it’s about power and not about seduction (since no one I know has ever been compelled to fuck anyone who verbally kicks them in the face), we must band together to push back this cowardly display of “power.”
We must speak up when they yell. Encourage your female-bodied friends, lovers, mothers, and others not to be silent, humiliated recipients to this bizarre, manipulative bullying. This unexamined aggression is the first in a series of steps that dehumanizes 50 percent of the population, makes them more liable to hate themselves, be ashamed of themselves, be attacked, be raped, be killed. So let’s take a small collective step to stop it. You can help. Follow my lead!
The Hollaback! Movement has emboldened victims of street harassment to tell their stories, confront their attackers and work for a better, less hateful world. I want to embolden you to do the same! You male-bodied people have an unfair advantage. Use it for good! Defend people when harassment happens. Confront attackers when they attack. Encourage your XX-chromosome-laden friends to defend themselves and aver your support!
How do we all do it? Here are some of my tactics. They’ve worked sometimes, with some people, in some situations. These tactics are not foolproof. These tactics may be thwarted by many fools. Thusly, I recommend their usage only when the time is right—a time one can only determine for oneself.
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Situation #1: A dude with a saucy little saunter makes his way down the street. Shit, I think. He feels sad, sees my femaleness, and wants to show off. What do I do in this situation? Do I run? Hide? Look at the ground? I have tried all these methods. They fail.
“How you doin, sexy,” the presumptuous lad definitively puts forth. He is putting on a performance. I see this. I tell him, “Oh, hey. What did you call me? Sexy? That’s weird. I don’t feel sexy. I feel like I’m walking home.” Annoyed, confused, he sputters, “That’s the way it is around here… Brooklyn neighborhood… blah blah blah.” “Yes! I see why you’d say that. I guess it’s just that when someone I don’t know sort of aggressively speaks to me in an intimate manner, it makes me uncomfortable, like I have something in my teeth. But I’m sure you’re a wonderful/kind person with interesting ideas that I’ve never thought of, etc, etc, flattery, etc.—but I think it’s beneath your intelligence to oppress fellow humans the way perhaps you feel oppressed.”
We shake hands. Introduce ourselves. From now on, if we see each other on the street he will call me Rebecca, and I will call him by his name: Mohammed. Success! And how did it come to pass? I made connections, flattered him but showed him that his “opinion” was not unique. These dudes are buying into a corrupt system (of strong, dumb men and weak, compliant women), not being macho renegades.
I also find it better not to use the word ‘woman’ in these conversations and instead opt for ‘human’ in that it shows that it’s a universal thing—not about us v. them, not a gender thing. I (try to) behave myself with respect! I speak naturally and honestly, while being responsible and protective of myself. Ultimately, if I have an impact, it will be based more on my actions than words.
♦◊♦
Situation #2: An intimidating, yet pathetic, contingent of men who are scared to go out alone bobs theatrically in my direction. They wear similar outfits. They spew the same vitriol. They would clearly be BFFs if friendship and connection weren’t so, I don’t know, gay? This group says nothing to me, but stares hardly, meanly, and unforgiving-ly at my body.
I feel enraged and violated, so what do I do? Turn away, cross the street? Nope! I take out a Kleenex, loudly blow my nose and pantomime a hyper-stylized yawn, all while slouching my body and reaching my hairy armpit up to scratch an imaginary itch on my neck.
The scaredy-cat gaggle of too-cool boys recoils and looks confused. Can it be? It appears I am not their expected sexy girl victim. I am a weirdo. They can’t touch me. Success! They walk down the street, too befuddled to even tease me.
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Situation #3: Walking past a presumably empty pickup truck, an elfish fellow pops out of the side door like a creepy jack-in-the-box. “Hey baby!” Surprised, I reflexively walk on. “Why you no like me, baby?” He whines, taunting. I feel my blood begin to boil. “Hey, hey, HEY.” His whisper-shouts intensify and are interspersed with wet-kissy smacks and cold, glassy eyes. I start to think about rape.
What were you wearing? Baggy jeans and a jacket. What were you doing? Going for a walk. “Hey baby!” I feel sick with fear for his hypothetical daughters. I feel paralyzed by the slack, sloe-eyed gazes and possessive leers of Anonymous dudes reminding me I am not in control of the street.
A deep, murderous, cross-eyed, clown yell wells up in my chest cavity. I want to scream, tear at my torso, do psychotic jump-squats against a bike rack like a venomous jungle monkey with little beady, red, poisonous, glowing eyes, yawping and caw-cawing against the bike rack in front of that piece of shit’s innocently parked car. OOH OOH AHH AHH AHH AHH!!!
My fantasy of myself makes its way slowly into reality, and I hiss back weirdly at him, imagining myself a poisonous near-naked nonsexual beast (to clarify: because they don’t deserve to witness the raw and miraculous power of my sexuality, only my righteous rage). I cry! I sputter! I imagine that I evoke fear in the breasts of all idiots who harass women! I am their protector, their international secret weapon: a wronged and rabid primate who pounces on predators and bites off the heads of men who were raised violently, men whose own experience with women was violent.
I yell: OOH OOH AHH AHH! No more belittlement, no more fear! The elfin bully-man looks at me with a face that is superficially contemptuous, but actually disturbed. In any case, he’s ceased his mating calls. Success.
♦◊♦
In conclusion, street harassment is awful, as is the gender hierarchy, as is any system of oppression that rewards some for humiliating others. However, because we would all go to jail if we assailed our assailants and because responding to aggression with a non-response both encourages assailants and makes me personally feel impotent (rimshot/look, I feel weird about my metaphorical “phallus” too/we’re all in this together!), I suggest action.
Suggest action to your loved ones. Take action when you see harassment. Respond to objectification (of yourself or someone else) by engaging kindly, addressing people directly, or acting like the crazy person you know they really are. But don’t act like a victim because you’re not a victim. I’m not a victim; we’re all just people, man/woman. Street harassers are fundamentally fearful and contemptuous of lady humans. All people combating street harassment should upset their expectations by being kind, intelligent, direct, or weird as hell. Just do something.
—Photo FaceMePLS/Flickr
About Rebecca Katherine Hirsch
As if every woman has this experience daily. Must be in her mind. That is not the experience of the average woman. How do I know? Grew up in NYC. Spent years riding buses and subways, walking the streets of NYC. Then, lived in both DC and LA. Have spent time in Europe, Africa, Australia, and South America. So, I’ve been around all kinds of peopl and situations.
I don’t know any woman who finds being female so horrible (just for being female) and I know thousands of women. The women I work closest to enjoy womanhood. My wife loves it. I earn well into the six figures and my bosses at least 3 levels up are women, and make far more than I do. Womanhood has been very, very good to them. They all live very, very well. Being women has been good to them, trust me.
I would suggest the writer move to a better neighborhood.
Eric,
This has nothing to do with being a woman. The key word here here, ‘being’. If we all let each other ‘be’, live without (what might be) harassment, then this article and issue would not exist, right?
Direct your comments to the writer. It was SHE who claims that womanhood is “awful.”. In her 2nd paragraph.
Evidently her life is “awful” but she doesn’t speak for most women who don’t share her irrational view of “womanhood.” I’ve got dozens of females in my family, work with hundreds of others and have hundreds of female friends and know not a single woman who feels her life is awful simply based on being female. This including thousands I’ve known over the years on the streets of NY, LA, DC, Sydney, Brisbane, London, Accra, Monrovia, and about 20 other cities.
What she’s saying is that it feels awful being a woman when your womanhood and your sexuality are twisted around and used against you like a club to make you feel belittled, threatened and humiliated. That’s what catcalls feel like.
I am not saying this to beat up on men or claim that all men are bad or that sexual attention from men is awful. But when I was younger, living in a big city, there were men who said some truly awful and offensive things. And even the so called “compliments” (“hey baby you look good! C’mere baby!”) do not feel like a compliment, they feel degrading and often scary. I have never understood why some men feel the need to harass women on the street other than as a power trip.
“I am not saying this to beat up on men or claim that all men are bad”
THAT is precisely what she is implying and doing by her absurd claim that life for all 3 billion women on earth is awful because of men. The vast majority of women don’t have the experiences she describes on any regular basis if ever. I’m not saying that it never happens but most women don’t have that expereince.
By contrast, non-feminists do not share her disdain for males nor feel that womanhood is “awful.”
I don’t see any disdain for men here, I just see anger at the minority of men who engage in street harassment. It happens all the time. To any woman who is young or even moderately attractive. Believe it or not.
And, actually, what I just said isn’t completely accurate. Women who are heavier or not “attractive” also get harassed, often in mean ways.
Where did she say minority? She didn’t. She said that ‘womanhood is awful’ everyday, everywhere because of “men.”
I have never harrassed anyone and don’t endorse or condone it in any shape, form, or fashion – and it’s valid to point out the wrongness of it. However, as is often the case with GMP articles, this is pure misandry. It takes a valid issue caused by a tiny, tiny minority of men and turns it into an excuse to castigate all males.
Hi Eric! Love your work.
Just wanted to point out a few things:
I am not all female-type individuals. I am one individual. I can only speak for myself. I’m sure many women “enjoy womanhood.” I’d love to hear them talk about it. However, I am wary of putting women on pedestals as much as I worry about shoving them to the ground. Deification and denigration are but two forms of dehumanization. I’m just a not-too-terrible, faulted person born with XX chromosomes. Being heterosexual, I like dudes.. dudes who say “hi” and not “HEY BABY NICE ASS” ’cause that’s dispiriting and frightening.
Personally, I try not to make assumptions about huge swaths of people, especially groups of people of which I am not a part. Sometimes I fail–again, being only human. You, however, do not share this desire. That’s cool. So go ahead and tell ME about WOMEN. And I’ll tell you about the inner lives of killer whales and Maori migrants in the 16th century. Because I have the authority to speak about both those things.
On moving to a “better neighborhood”: Ah, white (rich, incurious and sadistically complacent) people! Not everyone can just up and leave to a new neighborhood with people educated to appreciate similarities over differences and troll for sex in an appealing, appropriate manner (a subjective thing).
On the tiresome, classic feminists-are-misandrists attack: This is a fun one, because ALL WOMEN WHO WISH TO LIKE THEMSELVES MUST HATE MEN! Yes, that’s it! But seriously, fellow, living in this world has taught me (Just me! I can’t speak for everyone! But I’m sure I speak for many!) to fear and distrust men. When I find men I like and respect as lovers and friends, I like them a whole bundle. Too many bundles. But that’s another contested essay.
And finally! If you’ve disagree with all my rational points (I bet you do!) I’m at least glad I had the chance to read yours: I enjoying hearing about the money you make, the world-class cities you’ve visited, the women you “love” and the passion you possess for dominating a comment thread.
Rebecca, It is wrong and unfair that you are harassed everyday everywhere. I take you at your word that you are one individual and did not intend to speak for all womankind; however, your statement that “womanhood” is “awful” suggested that this is not just about you personally. Perhaps you did not intend for it to read that way.
Aside from a wife, two daughters and four sisters, I speak from the perspective of someone who has volunteered, for quite a few years, for an organization that provides no cost healthcare services to a community of 3.5 million people. Over 70% of those served are women, much of that in the OB/GYN area. As a result of this there are thousands of women who I know by name and consider me a trusted and good friend. So, no I’m not a woman but I know and love quite a few here as well as as in West Africa.
My volunteer work has taken me to places you somehow think are “world class cities”, such as abjectly impoverished and war torn Monrovia, Liberia and Accra, Ghana where many people live in mud huts and have virtually no income whatsoever. Maybe try googling these places before categorizing them as “world class.”
Nor do I come from a white, privileged family and neighborhood. I grew up in a black neighborhood, with crime and gangs in NYC, riding buses and subway. The difference is that my concern for humans is not limited to single sex – nor a single ethnicity or nationality. If feminists took less a female vs male view of things, their reputation would dramatically improve.
Lastly, I make a decent income but mine is the only one in the household, so we’re not anywhere close to wealthy. Many of the women I work with are. Their lives are not awful.
I really appreciate this, Eric. I spoke too harshly. It’s an emotional issue and we’re both coming from subjective places.
On “If feminists took less a female vs male view of things…” I’d like to say that I’ve never found this to be true. The female feminists I know are intelligent, exciting people who are tired of being afraid of men, tired of having to prove that their feelings and thought processes and experiences are as legitimate as those of men. The male feminists I know are truly kind, gentle, interesting people. I believe very, very few feminists “hate” men any more than civil rights activists “hate” white people. It’s a myth.
Part of my interest in writing for The Good Men Project comes from my desire to bring good people into the fold.. people who maybe know that there’s something not quite right about the way women are treated but can’t put their finger on it because the mythology and normalcy of casually slurring and shaming women (and non-whites and non-able-bodied people; people who are cast aside on issues of class, race, gender, gender identity, etc.) is so ingrained in society that they can’t see it. We’re really all in this together. In fact, we CAN’T all change for the better without men. We really need to support each other.
http://feministing.com/2011/08/26/when-dads-hollaback/
“I’ve said it time and time again: street harassment will end when the men who do it can no longer rely on the approval, tacit or otherwise, of other men”
I can’t say that feminists hate men. I have no idea how they feel in their hearts. I can only listen to their views and positions on issues. Feminists’ view of males (based on their own comments) is consistenly far more negative and critical than non-feminists.
The women in my family are happy, all but one are married and not a single one has that negative view of males and the female experience that feminists do. The women I work with don’t share that negative view of males and the experience of being female that feminists do. All of these women are intelligent.
Most “good men” and “good women” are not feminists.
Thank you touching upon this, Jill!
One thing that’s so creepy about street harassment (besides the general disempowerment and resentfulness it evokes… and the disservice it does to cool dudes with good manners) is that it makes it more difficult for me to express my OWN sexuality, know that it’s organically mine and feel comfortable and safe enough to know I won’t be penalized for being sexual (Of course, this isn’t merely caused by street harassment alone but the sex-negative world at large… that engenders and congratulates ‘boys will be boys’ and ‘women better shut up and take it’-style street harassment). The damage is such that even in healthy, totally excellent sexual situations, I find myself holding back because on some weird, subconscious level I DON’T WANT TO GET HARASSED. What a great precedent to contend with! Thanks, street harassers (Damn! That was your goal all along, wasn’t it! To interrupt my coitus with memories of your creepiness)!
What an ignorant comment. How would you know? It happens to me daily. And people shouldn’t have to move in order to escape harassment.
It’s ignorant to claim that your experience is every woman’s experience.
Ask the woman in *your* life about when they’ve been street harassed (and it will be “when” NOT “if”). Ask them how young they were when they first got street harassed, and ask them the worst thing that’s ever been said/ done to them. I think you’ll be surprised at the world the women you love live in. I think you’ll be surprised by how different the world is from yours.
In addition, when I read comments like yours about issues like these it reminds me of my old, white Southern relatives who say things like “Well, I treat Black people very well, I don’t know why people are always going on about how racist the South is….” People in a privileged position rarely see their privilege and then get offended when forced to look at the unfairness of a system which places them. Questioning the gender hierarchy is not about hating men any more than questioning the racial hierarchy is about hating white people. It’s about hating systems that discriminate and bully entire groups of people.
Liz, you’re so much more effective than I am at limning this issue. I’m very appreciative of your comments.
Thanks. I loved this piece and loved your use of humor. Humor helps me deal with street harassment in a way that reminds me that I’m human. I thought I was the only one who had resorted to “acting crazy” to deal with this. Because crazy is what it is. How crazy is it for a random stranger to yell at another random stranger just walking down the street? If that happens to any other group of people, i.e. people of color, people with disabilities, it’s seen for what it is — harassment. it’s crazy that people still think it’s “harmless” when it happens to women. It’s CRAZY that one of the most effective tools of combatting street harassment, like you said, is to act CRAZY yourself. The other day I heard a guy do that random weird guttural/monkey/howl thing men do to women, and he was doing it AT ME when I got out of my car. A little reminder that I don’t even deserve words yelled at me, just animalistic sounds. So, I went up to where he was sitting at a sidewalk cafe and did the same yell loudly and directly right in his face and said “See how annoying that is?” He looked terrified and confused. It was great. And my action was no “crazier” than his. If I don’t use humor to out-crazy the crazy sometimes I get too bitter. And I don’t want to be bitter. It’s hard though.
Yeah.
Being called “crazy” is an easy/time-worn way to discredit people (especially female people with their pesky inability to be normal Everymen).
I think it’s OK to be bitter. It’s embittering to be constantly teased by idiots who call you “crazy” when you react to being teased by not cowering, crying and saying “Yes, you are right. I am crazy. Silly me.”
It’s wonderful that you stood up for yourself like that. I wish more people would stand up for us too.
It’d be really helpful to have allies. Male allies. Genderqueer allies! Allies repulsed by injustice wherever they see it!
I think I already posted this but it heartens me and I think it unfortunate that more people don’t do similarly…
http://feministing.com/2011/08/26/when-dads-hollaback/
I have been both abused and harassed by women but I don’t allow that to define my life as awful, as unfair as it was. It still makes me angry when I think about it but I don’t allow it to cause me to view women with suspicion and resentment simply because as a man, had I defended myself I would have gotten arrested and lived with a criminal record for the rest of my life, something that would not have happened to a woman in the same situation. Speaking of priviledged and double-standards.
You will never understand what it means to be at the lowest rung of privilege until you’ve been a black man from the low income inner city. It’s interesting that it’s largely western majority women who had/have the luxury of taking gender studies courses at their name brand universities who imagine that black men are the privileged ones. That they believe this shows a view of the world that is out of touch with reality.
BTW, my wife says that she has never been harassed.
I don’t believe that your wife has never been harassed. I simply do not believe that. If she’s a woman she’s been harassed because of it. Also I don’t begin to know what it’s like to be a black male, any more than you know what it’s like to be a woman in the world. This column is about ONE woman talking about how the street harassment she deals with feels. Her experience in the world is valid. And it’s the experience of many women, such as myself. The fact that women get the short end of the stick in some ways doesn’t negate the fact that men get it in another way. My gut tells me that you’ve behaved in manners that the author describes as men behaving toward her. It’s hard to be told that behavior you view as innocent affects people this negatively. Few people want to see themselves as an oppressor, especially when they themselves are oppressed in other ways. It’s the easier thing to discount the other person’s feelings and experience. It’s the harder, stronger thing to go to look at your own behavior and ask yourself if you’re the one in the wrong.
I think many (not all) men who street harass women do it as a way to take back power in a world which places them at the bottom rung of men. But just because the world steps on you doesn’t mean you have the right to step on me.
These comments, I tell you!
You know, I think that both Liz and Eric M. made some very honorable points here…
True, Eric, being abused by women will make you wary and distrustful of women (as it has–reversing the genders–for me). It’s a shame and if it matters, I’m very sorry. It’s brave to weather abuse by one group and still… have room in your heart for them and see that not all members are like them. I can’t but respect that. I disagree with many things you’ve said, but you’re expressing vulnerabilities and honest experiences that have shaped you. That makes you much stronger than your abusers.
True, Liz, only the person who’s experienced something can speak for her or his understanding of the experience. I like a whole bunch of your points, mostly the relativity one! “The fact that women get the short end of the stick in some ways doesn’t negate the fact that men get it in another way.” Very, very, very important! There are no ultimate victors or vanquished parties here. All people are hurt and privileged in different ways. Just good to recognize them so we don’t inadvertently hurt other people the way we’ve been hurt.
End note: One person can’t tell another person what they feel. Black is one way of being without power, female is another. It’s not–in my opinion–a question of whose pain is greater and more deserving. There is no ultimate reality. Everyone’s version is valid. What’s really important is respecting other people’s opinions and feelings. That’s the only ‘reality’ that matters–not “proving” a point by shouting one’s opinion the loudest.
You don’t know the life experiences of 3 billion people you’ve never met. You don’t. To think you know the life experiences of a stranger you’ve never met or spoken to better than she herself is simply not rational. To accuse a man of being a harrasser simply because he’s black is just plain wrong.
I don’t think you’ve harassed because you’re black, but because of the vehemence of your response on this topic.
Your thirds sentence is valid. I ask you to apply the same rational logic when informing the author of this column, a person you’ve never met, that her experience with street harassment “must be in her head” and that you know she hates all men. Fair?
Lastly, this is one of my other favorite articles on street harassment, written by a man.
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-mind-of-man-in-defense-of-catcalls/
“I don’t think you’ve harassed because you’re black, but because of the vehemence of your response on this topic.”
So, vehemence makes one a harrasser in your book? Then, that makes you a harrasser since you are far more vehement than me, making blanket statements about billions of women and men you’ve never met. I’m not accusing you, just applying your own logic.
“must be in her head”
I said that in response to Rebecca’s comment suggesting that all women have her same experience on a daily basis, which is clearly not true. She later explaind that she was not intending to make a blanket generalization, since that would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it?
I’ll clarify: You’re vehemence in claiming that street harassment does not happen to most women, doesn’t happen a lot, must be in the author’s head, that a woman speaking out against street harassment must hate all men, etc., — which are all blanket statements are they not?
I’ve made the points I want to make. I’m not interested in trying to “win” an argument with you. That’s not what this is about.
Liz, claiming someone said something they didn’t say and arguing against THAT is called a strawman, which is what you have just done. I have no problem in having an honest debate but misquoting someone is not honest and in this case is easily disproved by reading what I wrote.
I don’t think you realize how hypocritical you’re being, Eric M.
“You don’t know the life experiences of 3 billion people you’ve never met. You don’t.”
True.
And you don’t know the life experience of however many women you’ve never been. Yes. You must follow your own logic.
I am/have followed my logic. I DON’T know the life experience of every woman on the planet, true. I never claimed to, as Liz continues to insist that she does. However, (despite Liz’ claim otherwise) I know that not every woman has your experience daily and not every woman has been harrassed on the street. I know this because I know lots of women and know a lot about thier lives.
To state the obvious: there are some places where people are harrassed every day and other places where people are never harrassed. Some people frequent places where people are seldom harrassed, others where people are never harrassed, and others where people are often harrassed.
Eric, some hard facts representing that the majority of women experience some form of street harassment: http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/resources/statistics/sshstudies/
http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2011/0418/Street-harassment-of-women-It-s-a-bigger-problem-than-you-think
As for staying away from places where people are harassed….Do you think you should just have to stay away from places where black people get harassed a lot ?Or do you think it’s fundamentally wrong that harassment of a black person should happen anywhere in our society? I think it’s wrong. I know harassment of people of color still happens (I’ve seen some pretty foul examples of it growing up in the South) and it’s always wrong. A person of color should not have to move, change how they walk to work, or do anything else to AVOID harassment. They deserve NOT to be harassed. They deserve to get ANGRY when they’re harassed. They deserve to talk about it and try to change things. And when they get harassed, the person at fault is not them, but the person DOING the harassing — whatever redneck/hillbilly/ moron that is, who still thinks having a white skin gives them a privilege to harass people of color ’cause it’s no big deal, it’s funny, we’re just joking around, well they shouldn’t be walking through this neighborhood anyway…….
Now, take what I just wrote and substitute “women” for “people of color” and “men” for “white.”
Same goes for that scenario.
Liz, you are basing your argument on an online survey of 800 out of 3 billion people?
I am not arguing in favor of harrassment but you don’t know how many women or men are harrassed nor have you been in city, country, town, and village on earth to ask all 3 billion women. As bad as catcalling is for those who are victims, there are bigger issues, like actual physical violence and murder.
I think you’re more interested in nit-picking others’ expression than having an honest debate about the larger issue of street harassment and it effects on women.
Pointing out when someone has lied about what I said is not “nit-picking”; it’s pointing out those lies. Big difference.
Yeah, if I am falsely accused, I will raise that as an issue.
Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
This is a great article by a Good Men editor on sexual harassment as experienced by men:
http://goodmenproject.com/newsroom/men-cant-deal-with-sexual-harassment/
“Men are so accustomed to not being vigilant and on guard against harassment, assault, and rape that we’re often blind to the ceaseless precautions women take. Our reaction to harassment is often one of indignation, as though men, by nature, are supposed to be exempt.”
“… our support of victims needs to be gender-blind. Fighting rape culture means refusing to diminish victims’ experiences because of their frequency or their perceived abnormality.”
This IS the experience of most women. Most of us, here in the U.S. anyway, don’t live in cities where we walk or take public transport every day — which increases the likelihood of harassment, but MOST OF US GET HARASSED LIKE THIS TO SOME DEGREE. This column puts how I feel when it happens to me into words better than any I’ve read before. I love being a woman. Love it. I f-ing hate the way that I get treated for being one and wanting to walk down the damn street. If you don’t believe the majority of women have to deal with street harassment ask the lovely ladies in their life if they’ve ever had it happen to them, and ask them how early it started. For most of us it starts as soon as we hit puberty. I can’t tell you how great it feels for a child to be sexually harassed by a grown man.
Hear, hear.
Really? Your suggestion is to “move to a better neighborhood?” You realize harassment happens everywhere regardless of neighborhood, right? For example, I was in Brooklyn Heights on Montague and Court and some man creepily said “mmm nice legs, yeah I like that” & “mm baby” and when I didn’t respond to this he got angry and started following me and said “oh, you think you’re better than me?” and then mumbled something about me being a bitch. Yes, move to a better neighborhood. That’ll solve everything.
Culture has a lot to do with this type of behavior. If you are a woman then you will do best to live in a place where people are educated and middle-class. Latin America (certain countries), southern Europe and the Middle East are the worst places for street sexual harassment.
I like to look attractive, but I do not feel that this should make men think that I am freely sexually available. In other words, I should not have to wear baggy sweats or a burka to get respect from men. Women should be allowed to celebrate their femininity while claiming political and economic equality. There are societies/cultures that facilitate this, and there are those who will still force women into the frump-whore pigeonholes.
It’s a pretty subjective thing and it depends on a man’s upbringing as well as the crowd he associates with. Any man with a moral compass knows that it’s wrong to do things like catcalling but society seems to think it’s just harmless, juvenile fun. I wouldn’t advocate “giving it back” to the catcaller all the time because it may not end well.
I don’t envy women as they are almost exclusively the target of unwanted attention but they themselves are taught (or learn on their own) that their femininity can be used to their advantage as well. From a man’s point of view it can be confusing and can lead to hurt feelings on both sides. A little communication goes a long way.
This is a wonderful point, Mr. R! And I think the ultimate recommendation you put forth is correct: Communication. Women and men should TALK (what a thought!) about the ways they’ve been socialized, about the messages that have hurt them and helped them, what they want, what they don’t want, how this speaks to gender injustice on a grand, cultural scale, perhaps… (that sounds like a cathartic conversation to me). Being of the female variety, I know I was fed a whole bundle of confusing, contradictory messages that I had to (and continue to) wade through. I personally found the whole ‘playacting sexiness and using it to my advantage’ thing (as opposed to just BEING an honestly, organically sexual person) to be.. dangerous, superficial and frustrating. Because I want some people to find me attractive (hot dudes, nice dudes, thoughtful dudes) and others to never see me at all (street harassers).
Bravo, bravo! I love Hollaback…while I’d never be one to cross any sort of physical lines, I do think we need to call someone (male or female) out when they make unwanted sexual advances towards others. They need to be held accountable for their actions, and oftentimes, the calling out of the perpetrator (obviously in a mature fashion) is empowering.
I personally don’t mind when a person walks by and is lightly complimentary. I do mind stopping, overt gesturing, whistling and all sorts of demeaning behaviours. We all have different lines, and we all have the right to defend them.
Excellent point! To each his/her own! A world where people can respectfully approach other people is one where men and women COULD feel comfortable openly averring sexual feelings for others.. without fear of violence or humiliation. And we can get there one interaction at a time, people! Build that better world!
The topic of “Street Harassment” strikes me as an all out war between Men’s biological imperative to procreate and Women’s biological urges for safety and self preservation.
My heartfelt recommendation to all women is to Nukkle-Up. If you feel uncomfortable carry mase, walk with a friend. Prepare for the confrontation.
I support the use of “Holla Back” cellphone footage in the prosecution of extreme cases of street harassment. Objectively it’s fair to video tape these supposed incidents.
As cold as it sounds Men will not respect anything that won’t Whoop their ass. Please follow suit.
I once lost it and screamed at a group of guys who had been harassing me daily outside of a subway station. The harassment had escalated to the point that one of the guys started following me and tried to look up my skirt as I was walking up the stairs from the station. I started yelling at him and he actually look terrified and ran away. These guys never said a peep to me after that. They stared at me but clealy viewed me as a crazy lady. Which was fine with me.
However, I do have to ask how men’s biological imperative to procreate leads to street harassment. Seems like you are saying that harassment is one step away from rape (because all men must know that harassment won’t get them laid voluntarily). In that, you are saying men’s biology makes them essentially sexual predators who can’t be trusted around women. I think that’s an offensive statement toward men and if I said something like that in this board, I’d be denounced as a misandrist. On the other hand, I agree that street harassment is a power trip (as I mentioned in an earlier comment) but I don’t think it is right to blame male biology — that’s a cop out.
The whole “biological imperative to procreate” just doesn’t work for me as a good explanation for everything sexual. Humans engage in and are satisfied by all sorts of sexual activity that has NO chance of resulting in a pregnancy. Humans have evolved a brain (a biological thing) that is capable of inventing birth control and capable of appetite control. Even if, for the sake of argument, men were only motivated by a desire to get random women pregnant, wouldn’t it make more sense to sneak up on women or approach them politely instead of announcing to them that you are an aggressive numbskull who’s hurting his chance at reproduction. Making your potential mate reach for a weapon seems like an odd evolutionary development if the “design” is reproduction.
I have a very hard time understanding how people like this have sex. Do people want to have sex with this person? “Objectively,” Budmin appears cruel and dull. If you do not like this criticism, Budmin, I recommend that you “nukkle-up!” and “walk with a friend.”
This is a pretty good example of a ‘rape culture’ mentality: One that puts the entire responsibility on women to protect themselves while men are encouraged to ignorantly and aggressively chase after them. What about good conversations and good sex? I don’t want to be chased by creepy fools.
…I also find it interesting that I am being faulted for failing to represent ALL WOMEN whereas this kind soul presumes to represent all men.. who, according to his omniscient understanding of MAN, only like people who are cruel to them. Right.
“But as Good Men are empathetic and realistic enough to know, inferiority is much more institutionally and socially enforced when you are a woman.”
Total rubbish. Misandry and male bashing is institutionalize and criticism of women is seen as blasphemy.
I associate this kind of behavior with deep insecurity and shame about women and sex and manhood. These are not men who are over-confident about their charm with women, but men who are grasping at straws or lashing out. (Like the old Seinfeld routine about this — “here is a man who is OUT OF IDEAS.”) A lot of this happens when men are trying to impress other men nearby. I suspect many of these men doubt their own heterosexuality and are overcompensating. There is a percentage of these men who actually get a sexual thrill out of making women uncomfortable, which would be the ones most likely to expose themselves.
I Agee but I think it’s safe to say that what we refer to as being “Horny” to the point of Body worshiping, Risk taking, Denying Rejection & being oblivious to someones discomfort has some hormonal involvement to it…right!?
Thanks for this, That Guy. You certainly are That (kind of) Guy we need! Well stated.
This is a good point. What do you think they are “lashing out” at? I’d like to hear a guy’s perspective.
There are many men who have no idea how to talk to or approach a woman. Others have very little respect or trust in women. Most of this behavior is either caused by not getting dates due to their own fault to bad advice from various dating experts. All this can bw changed with proper encouragement and training from positive legit experts in dating.
I have rarely ever seen a woman get harassed on the streets, but I saw a lot of guys get jumped by some idiots over nothing. Being a woman is easyyyy.
A lot of times it’s a hand touching or pinching you or an old man staring you down on the train or a young man hissing in your ear as you walk by.
But if you don’t see it, it must not exist.
Why are you reading The Good Men Project, Chris? There’s a big patriarchal world out there that loves and accepts you just the way you misanthropically are.
Staring is not harassment. Despite the best efforts by you militant, man-hating feminists, looking is not a crime. Creepy? sure. Harassment? Not in any definition of the word.
There is such a thing as aggressive staring, which is different than just looking or glancing. If I notice that a guy is kind of looking at me, I might feel awkward or embarrassed, but it doesn’t really offend me or scare me. However, there are guys occasionally who don’t just look but try to make eye contact and stare me down. And yes that is seriously creepy.
People! We’re in this TOGETHER.
What kind of person would I be if I were to autocratically discredit an experience I’d never personally felt? A total, defensive tool.
I’m so depressed by people who make it their goal to be without empathy or interest in other people’s sources of pain, joy, whatever.
What does it do for you to cowardly not defend a fellow human being, a good person, a person trying living their own damn life? Why attack someone who isn’t attacking you? It’s so unjust and blindly hateful, so everything a good man, for example, a noble, courageous man who cares for the plight of people besides himself could never be.
If you got STARED at menacingly by people and groups of people on the street EVERY DAY, you wouldn’t arrogantly moan about how pathetic it was.
Check out the kissy-kissy sounds and fake, manipulative chivalry at 3:55 here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8R9GiLImSw
Every day, people. And quite obviously, it’s not ALL men who do this, not at all! And thank goodness! That would be terrible news for my future children. It’s just the fools whose hatred for women overwhelms their libido til it’s really just hatred, not sex at all.
I’ve lived in NYC for 9 years, and I’ve spent a great deal of time walking on the street. The number of times I’ve heard someone make a catcall I can count on my fingers.
It just amuses me when guys say, “I’ve never noticed any street harassment, ergo it doesn’t exist!”
Sorry but that’s like me, a white person, saying, “I’ve never heard a white person call a black person the N word! So it never happens!” Or, “I’ve never noticed any racism toward African Americans! Ergo, there is no racism!”. Or how about, “I’ve never been to China, therefore, I think China is a figment of the imagination!”
Seriously, don’t you see how absurd this is?
Thanks a quadrillion, Jill! Yep, simple analogies seem a good way to make potentially foreign topics (like street harassment to men and racism to white people) relatable. Your examples are pretty awesome.
What self-imposed limitations and delusions people create for themselves when they say that their view of the world is THE view of the world. We’re all collections of biases, prejudices, well-intentioned and misguided beliefs, skills, deficiencies, et cetera.
Humility and interest in other people goes a long, long way (towards getting you laid/liked/admired/whatever).
““I’ve never noticed any street harassment, ergo it doesn’t exist!….Seriously, don’t you see how absurd this is?”
Its not absurd. First nobody says it doesn’t exist. The claim is that it is incredibly uncommon. Which is totally rational because if it was extremely common we should be observing it everywhere given the fact that it happens in public and catcallers are loud.
I live in Toronto. I have never in my life heard a catcall. Ever. And there is plenty of construction going on where I walk to work and plenty of beautiful women.
What I observe is exactly the opposite. A cold, lonely city where people don’t talk to each other, look at each other and everyone is busy doing their own thing. The problem in Toronto isn’t that people are invading each others personal space. Its the opposite. So I have a very difficult time believing its happening regularly where I live given the reality of what I see.
So all the women who say it happens to them all the time, are they imagining it, or just lying in your view. Why can’t you accept what women are saying here at face value?
Also, I don’t know about Toronto– maybe Canadians are nicer? I lived in San Francisco in my 20′s. Happened every day, everywhere I went. Most of it was minor, a whistle, a “hey baby” out the window. Annoying but not a big deal. Occasionally it was offensive or scary, like the time a stange guy came up to me on the street and said he’d like to F a C like me. Another time, some friends and I were walking past a fire station and the FIREFIGHTERS (who were working on the truck in the driveway) started harassing us. I distinctly recall on guy asking if we’d like to come over suck his dick. Yes, a middle aged firefighter said this to a group of 23 year olds. Nice. Keep in mind, my friends and I were students in law school at the time. It’s not like we were a bunch of hot babes out hitting the clubs.
So I’m sorry but my personal experience trumps your lack of personal experience on this subject.
“my personal experience trumps your lack of personal experience on this subject.”
Your personal experience is just that…your personal experience.
“Happened every day, everywhere I went.”
Really. Every single day. You are either a liar or you were purposefully seeking it out.
Thanks for this, Rebecca. I lived most of my life in pretty safe places, but I’ve experienced everything from the mildly annoying “Hey sexy!” to the enraging “WHORE!” to the fairly terrifying “I’m going to rape you!”
I don’t think it’s necessarily that bizarre that many men claim they’ve never seen street harassment. Many perpetrators pick women who are isolated, or do it in such a way that it’s not obvious to others nearby. City streets are loud, busy places and we all walk around absorbed in our own thoughts, so it’s unsurprising that most of us don’t notice these things. However, it’s pretty frustrating to see your own experience dismissed as lies or delusions.
“It’s pretty frustrating to see your own experience dismissed as lies or delusions.” Yes.
And it’s downright depressing considering how often, for how long and how casually and sometimes inconspicuously women’s beliefs, opinions, honest expressions of anything are aspersed, denigrated, ridiculed, gaslighted, used as “proof” that women are “wrong” because they don’t conform to the traditional gender-role script of master and slave.
What frustrates me is.. yes, of course it would be better for women’s self-esteem, abilities, freedom if they didn’t feel harassed every day or gaslighted into feeling crazy for being harassed and not merely accepting it as their station as lesser people who exist to be acted upon at the will of others… but it would ALSO BEHOOVE MEN to promote a world where women felt safe because then women could feel safe being sexual, being human, being loud, being quiet, whatever and not be shamed as “unladylike” or “slutty” or whatever derogatory term is being used at the time.
Equality benefits everyone. The kind of “power” that’s long been encouraged in men, if it rests on the idea of keeping others down mentally or physically, isn’t real power. “Power” that browbeats and slanders isn’t real moral strength, it’s–as the subtitle to this article says (which I did not write–Thanks, Good Men editors!)–cowardice. Harassing women as prey instead of approaching them as equals with whom men COULD quite clearly have fruitful, rewarding relationships is such a waste of resources and possible unions–of any intellectual, emotional, romantic, friendly or heedlessly sexual stripe!
Here are some interesting examples of street harassment in video and article form!
Videos on street harassment and rape culture at large:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phZdnJlfaII&feature=channel_video_title
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2Qpi-fW6jA&feature=channel_video_title
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r478wczldOI&feature=channel_video_title
The excellent Hugo Schwyzer who gets his own category:
http://hugoschwyzer.net/2011/02/02/impressing-other-men/
http://hugoschwyzer.net/2011/07/25/find-out-what-it-means-to-me-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-rodney-atkins-aretha-franklin-and-sexual-justice/#more-4309
A wonderful assortment of information on sex-based discrimination!
http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2011/0418/Street-harassment-of-women-It-s-a-bigger-problem-than-you-think
http://thebeautifulstruggler.com/2011/07/birth-of-a-creep-bw-the-window-sex-project/
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/06/a-rant-about-street-harassment/#comments
http://www.gabbysplayhouse.com/?p=1444
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2011/04/to-daughters-of-angry-emailers.html
I’ve experienced plenty of harassment from the Mexican community where I live. I haven’t lately because I don’t go out on foot anymore now that I can drive, but when I was in middle school, I’d receive catcalls from men old enough to be my father and grandfather. It was degrading and humiliating. I was even stared down by a man driving by, and the only reason the man picked up his pace was because someone behind him honked.
Street harassment is not uncommon. It happens in communities even as small as mine.
I wish someone would step up and speak about street harassment as a GENERAL phenomenon, perpetrated yes, often by men, but occasionally by women and *VERY* OFTEN -AGAINST- MEN.
If harassment of women is as bad and prevalent as it apparently is, harassment of gay men must be unbearable. In my younger and more obvious years, I could hardly go downtown (whether in one of the bigger southern cities I’ve lived in, or in some upstate NY city) without hearing something. On one occasion I ducked a bottle. On another, I was obviously laughed at by two women passing me by.
Let’s not anyone pretend to be innocent.
Great point, Michael P. All disadvantaged communities and people without institutionally-abetted power suffer from harassment. Very good to bring this up. I would also say that the harassment gay men receive is often based on their acting “like women” which is why I think looking into harassment against women as a base would probably help us understand harassment against many groups of people who are harassed for behaving “less than” or having the gall to reject their male privilege, which is very threatening to people whose masculinity is so insecure it needs constant reaffirmation.
http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/46456_509967629463_84200423_30384029_307866_n.jpg