How to Get Drunk

Drinking

Josh Bowman is spending the next couple of weeks offering tips on how to do basic activities (you’re welcome). Today: getting drunk.

  1. Know your limit. By limit, I mean that moment where if you have one more drink, you will puke, but if you don’t and you drink some water, you will be fine. The way to know that limit is by exceeding it a couple of times and spending a horrible night in the bathroom. You won’t want to repeat that if you can avoid it.
  2. Be nice and hug people and buy people drinks and tell jokes. Don’t be an asshole who wants to fight and yell at ladies. I’ve been both, and the first one is way better (of course, you have no say in this…).
  3. Sugary drinks will get you hungover. Bad beer taps will get you hungover. Being old will get you hungover. Wine will get you hungover. If you know what gives you hangovers, make sure you drink sparingly, and load up on water.
  4. Try to remember that nobody thinks you are as awesome as you think you are. Your jokes aren’t as funny as you think, you aren’t a good rapper, your dancing isn’t suave, and you look dirty. Just remember this before you get drunk, because you have to deal with the aftermath the next day.
  5. You will want to take your shirt off in the club. Think. Why do I need to take my shirt off in this club? Could I not?
  6. When you are drunk is the time to tell people true things, admit your deepest feelings, and sing loudly to terrible music with your friends who also secretly love terrible music. Being drunk is a great time to stop trying to be a cool person and just be a person.
  7. Drink with people you trust. Trust good people.
  8. Know what you’re getting into if you end up sharing a bottle of West Indian rum or Absynth or Russian vodka. It can mess you up.
  9. Know where to go in the city to get late night pizza, diner food, pierogies, poutine, and chicken. Just know this anyway.
  10. Watch your drinks. Watch your friends’ drinks. Take care of each other.

—Photo clintjcl/Flickr

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About Josh Bowman

Josh Bowman is a professional fundraiser, story-teller, comedian, and blogger. He has worked and consulted in Vancouver, New York, and now Toronto for almost a decade. Josh improvises around Toronto, including regular shows with Opening Night Theatre, and also blogs for the Huffington Post. You can email Josh or follow him on Twitter. If you want to submit a guestpost or know more about Josh, check this post and this post out first.

Comments

  1. I can give a shorter answer:
    Don’t get drunk!

  2. Joanna Schroeder says:

    I like #5. Such good advice!

    Particularly in the age of camera phones. Every day I say a little prayer to something/someone that there were no camera phones when I was drinking.

  3. I read and couldn’t believe my eyes. Mr. Bowman, most of your lines what actually are doing is motivating people to drink! Unbelievable. Comedian, fundraiser, storyteller… so forth. But a pretty bad statistic reader on alcoholism. What I can say to your readers, as a writer, psychologist, sociologist and professor is just what Mr. Alberich said with common sense: DON’T GET DRUNK… EVER!

    • Sanjana Rhugaroffemov says:

      Hi Reylan,
      You say you are a “writer, psychologist, sociologist and professor.” That is wonderful. But you forgot to mention “pedantic internet commenter” and “humorless stickler.”

      Let’s discuss all of your wonderful qualities, while we’re at it.

      Dr. Sanjana R, Phd, MD, JD, BS

  4. “Don’t get drunk” is great advice… for your 15 year old children. (Younger in many, many cases, I know. My first time was 17)

    People will drink. It’s a fact. And people will get drunk. It’s what alcohol does. This article is for the people who DO drink (clearly,) and

    I would be no more swayed by this article encouraging responsibly consuming irresponsible amounts of alcohol thank I would being ordered to not get drunk.

    Also allow me to say as someone who does not abide being talked down to, stating your position by first listing all the things that make you smarter than me isn’t a good way to get your point across. If you have to tell me your opinion is more important I probably disagree.

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