Life coach Steve Horsmon reveals a secret: guys, your wife expects you to know what emotional safety means to her.
Emotional safety is important to both men and women. Without it we feel unsure about opening up and sharing sensitive emotions and thoughts. Fear of being judged, criticized, or ignored will shut down any hope of communicating at a deeper level on just about any topic. This absolutely affects the ability of two people to connect on an intimate level.
Now, show me a man who has neglected his job in the emotional safety department and I’ll show you a man who has an unhappy marriage and an unsatisfying sex life.
Men always ask me:
- Why is this MY job?
- Why do I have to go first?
- Why doesn’t SHE have a role in making ME feel safe?
The answers have to do with the way we are biologically wired. They have nothing to do with who is stronger, smarter, or more rational. Men and women are absolutely equal, but we are not the same.
Your wife or girlfriend is naturally gifted with the ability and intuition to sense your intentions. This means that she will consciously or subconsciously react to your energy and intention. This is her programming and secret power. As a man, you do not have this gift. This is why it is your job to behave in ways that create feelings of emotional safety. This is your special gift and secret power.
As your relationship has developed, she has internally cataloged hundreds of emotional data points from you. She can immediately sense what your intentions are when you speak to her or about her, touch her, walk past her, and even when you close a door. It is up to you to understand this and choose to be intentional with your words, tone, and behaviors.
Your words can convey either respect or disdain. Your tone can make her feel loving appreciation or disappointment. Your actions will communicate either resentment/anger or calmness/self-assuredness. She feels these from you, although she will not usually tell you this directly. But you must understand the enormous impact that your negativity has on her ability to trust you, respect you, and be attracted to you. It is entirely up to you to choose the messages you want to send her.
Even if they buy into this, many men will say, “Well, I can’t be responsible for how she processes her stuff. It’s not my fault if she is reacting to me.”
Horse hockey. This is like saying you’re not responsible for understanding the emotional needs of your child. Or, you’re not responsible for understanding the mission of your company. Or, you’re not responsible for the consistency of your golf swing.
If you want to improve your marriage and your intimate life, you have the responsibility for learning what is required. You do not resent the basic fact that she needs you to provide emotional safety. In fact, when you become aware of and committed to your masculine role, you find something else is true. The process of becoming that man is extremely rewarding and fulfilling in itself. It feels like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders when you understand and accept what is needed from you to create emotional safety for her.
This process also opens up lines of communication and sharing that you didn’t have before. She is able to reciprocate with words and actions that make you feel safer. You have finally allowed her to feel comfortable in communicating her intimate needs and desires. And, you have created an environment in which her confident feminine nature will emerge to understand and meet yours.
This article originally appeared, in slightly different format, at Goodguys2greatmen.
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