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Mark Radcliffe would like to spare fellow guys the mistakes he’s made in the break-up ritual.
One of the most difficult ordeals a guy can face is the delicate matter of ending a relationship that his girlfriend still wants to continue, especially if he still cares for her. There are some good ways to go about it, but infinitely more bad ones, and I’ve certainly plumbed the latter category more times than I’d like to admit over the years. So in there interests of sparing men (and women) the mistakes I’ve made, here’s what I’ve learned from my past:
First, before we can even get on to the delicate matter of how to break up with a girl, there’s the more important question of should you: Is it actually necessary? Are the reasons you think you need to break up legit? Are they instead things that can actually be worked out? Improved in some way through rational and honest conversation?
If you are certain they are not, very well then, let’s proceed:
First off, you had better make sure you’ve earned the right to break up with her.
“Earned?” you ask?
Yes, earned. If you haven’t already had a number of conversations about your misgivings about the relationship, then you’ve got a few steps to go through first.
Because the one thing that will make you an outright asshole is if she’s hearing about these complaints for the first time. Employers can’t fire you without a few warnings first, and the same applies in relationships: you need to establish a pattern here. If you’re too much of a coward to have those tough conversations first and let her respond to what you’re unhappy about (and even let her yell a bit), or are too lazy to work together to change things, then you’re not ready to break up yet. And you’re probably also not ready to be in a relationship yet, either. (And yes, I’ve beenboth of these guys over the years.) But the point is, you might learn through these conversations that you’re a bigger part of the problem than you realized, and some of the onus of fixing it is on you.
Exemption clause: of course, if you walk in one night and catch her sleeping with your best friend, then sure, no real discourse is needed, you’re fully entitled to hit the eject button. (Or if she accidentally burned your vinyl record collection—I mean, we all have our limits.) But otherwise, if everyone broke up with each other at the first infraction, the human race would never get around to actually reproducing.
Second: Is it a good time for a breakup? Can she handle this right now? If you really care about ending it tactfully, and not causing her immense pain and getting anointed as public enemy number one, perhaps you can wait another week until she’s through passing her med school boards, or till after her sister’s wedding, or till after she’s had that appendectomy. That said, if ‘waiting till it’s a good time’ results in putting it off a year, at some point the trigger just needs to be pulled. There’s never a ‘great’ time for a breakup, just try not to pick the worst.
Third: you’re going to be the asshole no matter what. It will vary in degree, but there’s usually no way you’re going to walk out of this with her giving you an enthusiastic high-five. Be prepared to be the recipient of her fury/ resentment/ or depression. It’s your unique door prize to inherit for playing the role of dumpeur. Man up, and be ready to take the heat. Your reasons may be sound, and in time, when she finally meets the guy she’s eventually going to marry in six months’ time, you’ll be forgiven a bit. But not now.
Forth: try to pick a good place. The important elements are: privacy, a calm environment, a quietenvironment, and preferably a place where she can have a bit of a breakdown if the moment requires. It may sound cruel on the surface, but I personally recommend doing it at her place, where most of these elements are in place. That way, you can leave once the conversation seems truly ‘over,’ and she can have the comfort of her own environment to fall apart in. If you do it atyour place, then she has the additional hurdle of trying to get herself home. While crying. In downtown traffic. As your favorite U2 song comes on the radio. If it has to be a public place for some reason, don’t pick a restaurant or café or anywhere else where you’re in full public view. Look for a park, or somewhere with a bench away from a crowd.
Fifth: we’ve all probably heard this before, but “I statements” not “you statements” are key here, and are essential if you don’t want the whole thing to turn into an emotional volcano. Say “I feel like I’m not being heard,” not “you never listen to me.” “I feel I can’t be myself around you” rather than “you’re too controlling.” And if it seems that it’s not really working for her either, point that out, so it’s not just about your needs, it’s also about what’s best for her future, too.
Sixth: honesty is important, but only up to a point. There is a point where you can go too far and do irreparable damage. Of course, there’s no point in completely sugarcoating it either, or else she’ll be left in the dark as to why you’re leaving. You can’t just tell her “I just want something new” if the truth is more like “I don’t feel like you support my dreams and aspirations.” There are a few exceptions, I think, such as if you’re not really attracted to her (in which case you’re a jerk, since: what were you doing dating her in the first place?), or is if the sex is lousy. Telling a woman she’s bad in bed (and again, the problem might not be her, it might be your inability to communicate what you like, or that you have different approaches to sex) is about the sharpest knife you can plunge into her heart. She might never recover her confidence from it. “We don’t seem sexually compatible” is about as far as you can go with this one, but if you can focus it on the conflict in values and lifestyles, that’s easier to swallow.
Seventh: give her some indication it’s coming. Don’t blindside her when she thinks you’re just going out to see a movie. I made this awful mistake once, thinking it would be easier, and have regretted it every since. It might be easier for you to stay in lala land before you drop the bomb, but it’s cruel to her. Tell her “I think we need to have a talk” at the very least.
Finally—if you can—tell her you’re open to talking about it some more if she wants to (and if you’re able to handle it). And then walk away. At some point, the breakup talk needs an endpoint, so she can process. And be aware that, just because the talk is over, doesn’t mean the process is over. There will be followup waves. And if you’re truly trying to be a standup guy, you’ll stomach a few of them. Give her the answers she needs, if she wants them, and you can provide them. But at some point, you’ll inevitably need to just cut the cord, at least for a while.
And since we can’t always plan our breakup talks—sometimes they just happen—at least try to handle them with dignity. Rather than place blame, explain how the relationship just isn’t giving you what you need—spiritually, conversationally, romantically, financially, whatever. And remember that even if your time with this woman has come to an end, her romantic life hasn’t, and there will be other relationships that she can apply these learnings to. No matter how unhappy you may be with your relationship, don’t let her sour on love or men altogether. We men all have to realize: right now there’s a guy out there breaking up with a woman we’ll one day date ourselves (or even marry). And just as we don’t want him burning her so hard she puts up a wall we can never get through, let’s all try to do the same for him. Pay it forward by ending things gracefully, so she can love openly again, and hope that the guy who might be dumping your future wife has the maturity to do the same.
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I didn’t see it coming. One day he sent an e-mail saying he’s not comfortable in our relationship because he’s too busy with his works and his private life (private life means taking care of his kids in alternate week with his ex wife, hang out with his friends and doing his only hobby: soccer). He didn’t know how to fix the communication gap. Since we’re on long-distance relationship, I asked him if he wanted to talk over skype and discuss how we could stay communicate with his `busy life’. How I could be supportive in his difficult times. He… Read more »
Thanks for this article. From experience, I definitely winced when I read the “is it a good time for the breakup?” I had an ex use this as an excuse when we did in finally break up… Which actually only happened because I’d gotten a phone call from a girl… he’d been dating (while going home to see his kids, mind you)… For 13 months. 13 MONTHS. I know the point in the article was more based on short term issues – wait until after exams, that important meeting etc. and in a way I just want to emphasize that… Read more »
Why break up? Just stay together and work it through.
This was a very mature topic and beautifully written. Thank you for adding this to the tool belt of the readers. Many men and women will benefit, on both sides.
Most importantly don’t be a coward about breaking up. Don’t do it by email or text message or in the middle of a fight. Also, when breaking up admit your mistakes – don’t blame a girl for your own mistakes. It makes you look pathetic and weak. And finally communication. Explain why it’s not working out for you and be honest. Same goes to women too, btw.
Some men are bigger cowards than they like to admit. My ex recently broke up with me with a message on Facebook, of all places.
Actually, it seems the most common “break up” method these days is to just disappear.
Any advice for what to do about this, or how to react to it, GMP?
I’d like to hear some advice too … I don’t know, as I get older, I find myself less inclines to do the dignified-walk-away-silence, and more inclined to step up, call them out on it, make them accountable for their actions and MAKE them confront heir decision …. not sure I could pull this off as successfully in real life as I do in my imagination though!! 😉
This is a great article. As a woman who’s gotten dumped by several men in really awful ways, I would add: 1. If it’s a long distance relationship, break up by phone. Don’t make your partner go to the effort of traveling to see you, only to get dumped. And then having to suffer the awkwardness of spending the weekend with you after you’ve dumped her. Been there, done that. 2. Don’t just disappear. Have the balls to be honest and say you want to break up. I’ve been in a position of having to inquire whether a person was… Read more »
Yup #2 is a definite no-no, I’ve had that happen 3 times in the last few years. Guys be honest – don’t just bail without any explanation at all, apart from anything it makes the female feel like an idiot when she thinks because the last time you spoke it was all unicorns and rainbows that you’ve been in an accident or died – only to find out you just couldn’t be arsed to be honest.
In my experience, most guys are cowards who do a disappearing approach. Males from 22 – 60. Spineless boys.
Oh, #2! SOOO #2!! I was going to add it myself, but you’ve covered it.
I have been in the same situation – literally, had someone disappear so suddenly and so strangely that I too honestly found myself wondering if they might be dead, and if I should contact the police … never did hear from him again, so I don’t know, maybe he was!? … eek …
#3 – Yes. We are resilient creatures. If not, that is our problem to work on, not yours to avoid.
Just had to share a recent ending of my own. I don’t believe breakup etiquette is restricted to older men. I recently met and dated a man of 44. We spent time in my space and it was amazing. He then invited me to visit him, he lives in another country, and I did. The minute I got of the plane he switched and lost interest in me. Was it because he felt overwhelmed with me in his space or was I just the woman he didn’t want in his space? Be that as it may I was supposed to… Read more »
2 things.
never tell a girl she’ll meet someone better than you. or that a great guy is just around the corner.
and once you’re broken up, do not string her along. not with texts, phone calls, facebook. you must both grieve.
and cry if you can. it demonstrates dignity, if it’s authentic.
In reading this, I got to revisit my relationship terminations. It has been really easy for me to create a relationship mess and these points are so vitally true they explain why. Having a termination process that honors what was, and what was accomplished through it, would make us all more emotionally vibrant in the end. That said, divorce/romantic endings are viewed as failures and that creates problems. In my current situation I am responding to inquiries about “us” with: “We have had a great year together, great sex, great adventures and we have grown so much we realize our… Read more »
Could we add, do not do any of the above by TEXT! Ugh!
Three of my most loyal, reliable friends are men I was in relationships with. You have to talk about the probability that things will end and each decide how important your current partner is to your LIFE and not just the few months or years you are together. I don’t know about you but I can always use more true blue friends.
I stumbled onto this article through another site, googling ways originally on how to get closure from a break up from someone who took absolutely no responsibility, broke up once through email, came back for a couple weeks, turned out to be dating someone else and getting serious with her. And in the end texted me the final blow to tell me he can no longer see me and that he was moving in with this new person. I was left reeling, floored, devastated and basically traumatized. Logically I know he did me a favor and by the way he… Read more »
The traumatization is typical in the wake of someone who is far out on the spectrum of narcissistic / sociopathological behavior. The red flags you ignored are other clues. People who’ve been in long term marriages that have ended more or less amicably, but then have been in relatively short term relationships with sociopaths (who are all charming Dr. Jekylls / Mr. Hydes) report the break up from the sociopath was much, much more difficult to get over. That, in itself, is another clue that he is a sociopath….along with your feeling that “I see them everywhere now.” They also… Read more »
Is there some compelling reason for this to be and article about ‘how a straight man should breakup with his girlfriend’? i see nothing here that’s specific to a particular type of relationship. i understand that the author is speaking from personal experience but it contributes to and atmosphere that is so common across he internet of straight men only. its a good article with valid advice, but its likely unintentionally exclusionary. i assume the motivation of the author is to get as many people as possible to act ethically during a breakup, and so its is counter productive to… Read more »
I discovered this article by googling “what’s the kindest way for a guy to break up with a girl” because I need to do just that. Save your “you’re excluding other lifestyles” argument for another forum. The author clearly indicates that this is advice for a guy breaking up with a girl. Yeah, vanilla and straight I know, but vanilla and straight is just as colorful as every other color on the rainbow.
thank you! greaat article!!
Great article!! Thanks for sharing.
I googled for How to Break Up With a Girl, and after sifting through several sites, this is the BEST post on the matter. Complete, experienced, makes a lot of responsible, moral and philosophical sense. Thank you.
Now comes the following instructions phase for me and the girl I’m living with.
I have to agree, thanks Mark!
Another thing I think should be added here- I feel like a lot of guys are afraid to end something, so they let something that’s not working drag out, and drive the girl to the point of breaking up with them so they don’t have to do it. I recently ‘broke up’ with someone officially, but he had dumped me long before it become official. Went from being perfectly loving to completely disinterested without any real reason, and very quickly. I was overseas for a few weeks and he just started refusing to make the effort to communicate to the… Read more »
This has happened to me as well, many times! The guy just suddenly turns into a different person, acts weird and distant and unavailable until I have to break up with him. True story, back in 1989, when I had just graduated from college, I had to move home with my parents in the SF Bay Area while my BF at the time started grad school a couple hubdred miles away. We kept the relationship going but he was acting very busy and distracted, due to school starting I thought. Then on Oct 17, the Loma Prieta esrthquake hit. I… Read more »
Sadly, that is probably the single most common way men break off relationships–especially younger men. It’s a lot easier to simply shut off and become distant and cold than it is to honestly confront a difficult situation. And the guy gets the added bonus of not having to take responsibility for the breakup.
P.S.: sorry to all the women who I pulled this shit on when I was in my twenties. I was a douche.
It’s respectable for a man to admit mistake and apologize publicly in terms of this matter. Props and blessings to you Pablo!
Interesting how these things linger when dealing with certain personality types. (His.) If he was that callous and either so relationally ignorant or that willing to twist truth with omissions (he omitted his behavior which caused you to “dump him” in his pity ploys to your mutual friends), then most likely he is far out on the spectrum of narcissistic / sociopathological behavior. They are all cowards, in addition to being unable to be anything other than completely self-centered. You saved yourself by walking away.
I really appreciate you acknowledging that breakups are something that needs to be done in person (as is communicating anything important in a relationship). I’ve been on the receiving end of having the last couple relationships I’ve entered into end via a phone call and most recently, text messaging. While I am certainly no stranger to all of current western culture’s various means of communication, I do think it’s important that we don’t use those as a means to avoid discussions that should be had while in the same room as the other individual.
Tried being tactful a while ago. Wanted to talk about it (and I gave her a heads up to try and accomodate for her anxiety issues) but kept getting blown off (in the bad way) with “I’m busy. Don’t contact me, I’ll contact you.” which was plausible to begin with due to her moving overseas but eventually it clicked that that was BS and I didn’t hold back. Said some tactless things that I felt needed to be said. Long story short, no longer talking. Unless it’s via mutual friends facebook pages and even then there’s an edge of hostility.… Read more »
This article could be called how to break up with people. The same goes for girls. I mean, I don’t like how my ex rushed into it, but she definitely had some things right (gave me signs, told me we had to talk, did it in person, not over the phone). I give her credit for that.
The last guy who broke up with me showed up at my house; we’d been planning a date that day. Then he told me that he had realized he was no longer attracted to me and that he wanted to break up. It came as such a shock that I didn’t start crying until a while afterward. I’ve been through several heartbreaks and so I managed to get over him after about a week but the first few days were pretty rough. Looking back, I don’t think it was a very healthy relationship and I think I’m a lot happier… Read more »
Would you give the same advice to someone breaking up with a boyfriend? Would you tell her to make sure she’s earned the right to break up? Would you tell her to ask if he could handle it? Would you tell her she’s going to be an asshole no matter what? If so, I think it would be a fascinating experiment to switch the genders in the article and post it at the feminist website of your choosing. How do you think that would go over? :o) I get what your saying. There’s nothing wrong with be sensitive to the… Read more »
Would I give the same advice if genders were reversed? Well, broadly, yes; I think I’d tell her to be sensitive to how much this COULD hurt him (not assuming it WILL in the case of either gender), and to try to be tactful yet firm, choose timing wisely if possible, and yes, to make sure this has been “earned,” rather than blindsiding him when he’s had no idea that there was anything amiss. (And that point is to benefit her as much as him; it might actually be a totally “save-able” relationship with just a little more work &… Read more »
I have to say, Mark, Mr. Yoda makes some great points. The concepts inherent in your article are well-intentioned, but you missed his main point: you have phrased the entire thing based off of the fragility of the female gender. You easily could re-write this article in a gender neutral fashion and it becomes much less argumentative. I don’t appreciate the claim that a man breaking up with a woman is an “asshole no matter what”. That very much stems from assuming the woman is going to tale it badly regardless of how you do it. It’s entirely possible she… Read more »
@ Anthony: While, yes, I respect anyone’s need to protect themselves, whether emotionally, physically or legally, I’m not sure I agree with equating breaking up with a woman to a company firing an employee. For one, relationships fulfill mostly emotional needs, while jobs fulfill mostly financial needs, and as a result, a certain straightforward and less personal approach is more acceptable in the latter than the former, especially if there are legal & contractual elements involved. Second, it could imply men are always the bosses in relationships, and that women are nothing more than men’s employees, and should be grateful… Read more »
It has to do with vulnerability, not authority: An ex employee has nothing to fear from his/her old employer. In contrast, the company has significant vulerabilities (for example, cyber security and legal) Similarly: A woman has nothing to fear from her ex partner. In contrast, the man has significant vulnerabilities (law enforcement and judicial) In the age of misandry, men cannot play “nice”, they have to play “safe”. Gathering evidence before a breakup is a critical part of this process. The only way to gather evidence is to have a clear picture of “before” and “after” the relationship ends, with… Read more »
I”m going to argue with you here, Anthony. I think that there are, sadly, some relationships in which one person is unstable. This person can be a man or a woman (and in the case of queer relationships, either combo). If a breakup occurs and the unstable person is pissed, angry, jealous, motivated to cause trouble, they’ll do so. If a breakup occurs and they don’t feel motivated to cause trouble they won’t. In the case of an unstable woman? Sure, maybe she’ll stalk her partner, accuse the partner of theft, assault etc. That’s a terrible thing. There are also… Read more »
What I gather from Anthony’s post, is that the (most) unstable person in the relationship, the one (if anyone) more likely to resort to stalking or other criminal behaviour, is rarely the one taking the step to break up the relationship.
@Mark Goblowsky “I’m not sure I agree with equating breaking up with a woman to a company firing an employee.” Why not? You already equated them when you wrote “Because the one thing that will make you an outright asshole is if she’s hearing about these complaints for the first time. Employers can’t fire you without a few warnings first, and the same applies in relationships:” Now, frankly, I’m not sure I agree with equating them either, because I don’t think you need a “reason” to break up with someone (speaking as somone who once got dumped via phonecall so… Read more »
When a company breaks up with an employee, this is what happens: 1) Building security escorts the employee to Human Resources. 2) The employee is given a severance document. 3) Building security escorts the employee to his/her workspace to recover personal items. 4) Building security escorts the employee to the front door. 5) The employee looses all keys, access cards, passwords, e-mail accounts, and other company property immediately when he/she leaves the premises. 6) Building access personnell are instructed to keep an eye out for the ex-employee, who is now considered hostile and dangerous. Companies do this to protect themselves.… Read more »