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Jordan Gray says that the best loves are the ones that drag out all of your emotional demons.
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“If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little, she’s not the one”
At first glance, this meme might seem to be implying that you need to only date emotionally unstable people. But if you sit with it for a moment, it takes on a whole other (and more important) layer of meaning.
As much as mainstream media would prefer you to think otherwise, the best relationships are not all sunshine and roses.
Relationships are the ultimate vehicle for self-growth… and the best kind of love that you can engage in is the confronting kind. The kind where your partner acts as a mirror to you and they lovingly help pull all of your demons out of you over time. They act as a catalyst for positive growth.
They’ll point a flashlight into every corner of your dark mental attic, and illuminate all of the things that you try to hide from the world. And they will illuminate it with love, patience, and compassion.
Just when you expect them to run away (after having found out about your deepest, darkest secrets), they’ll tell you that they love you even more now that they know more about you.
Intimacy is about truly letting someone see you. It’s also anxiety-producing for the vast majority of people. Letting someone really know you, and really see you, can be terrifying. You are laying your heart in their hands and saying to them “Please be gentle with this.” And if they’re the right one for you, they will reply back (verbally or non-verbally) “I wouldn’t dream of ever being anything else to you.”
When I first started dating again after an emotionally traumatic breakup, I was hesitant to let anyone get close to me. I engaged in surface-level relationships because I feared the anxiety that intimacy produced for me. Even ‘admitting’ that I’d had a difficult day was enough to make my heart race.
In my emotional closure, I didn’t think I would ever be able to open up to someone ever again.
Until one fateful day when I met someone who shook up my world entirely.
Her eyes penetrated through me. There was no hiding around her. She never had to say it out loud, but I knew that she saw me.
My ego’s first self-protective instinct was to run away and revert back to my old unproductive habits. Run away before she finds out all of the messy things about your past. Push her away before she has a chance to see past your self-deceptions. Avoid any contact with her in case she might make you feel big, scary emotions again.
My ego resisted her every step of the way. I told myself she wasn’t my usual type. I tried to hide behind things like “She’s too young/inexperienced/small town/etc. for me.” But it was all bullshit. Every thought that tried to keep me away from her was just my ego’s sad excuse to stay closed down emotionally. It was a defence mechanism and I knew it.
When I really started to show up and tell her how I was feeling (namely, scared shitless to even be around her) she received it with grace and compassion. Because even before I had verbalized it, she knew. She already saw me.
As terrifying as intimacy can be, the process of holding up our demons in the light is deeply therapeutic. Shame cannot continue to exist or thrive in the loving context of a close intimate relationship.
Was I fixed forever for having her met her? No. It’s a process like everything else. I had to repeatedly breathe into the deeper layers of anxiety as I let myself be seen more and more by her.
But I’ll be eternally grateful that I did meet her. Because her scaring the hell out of me was my ticket to a positive transformation that I never could have anticipated.
So if you’re at a place in your life where you are starting to see someone who challenges you, confronts you, and scares you on some level, take stock of whether or not you think they might be a force for positive change in your life.
Don’t date someone who scares you because they are controlling, angry, violent, or abusive in any way. That’s the bad kind of fear and it’s an unhealthy relationship to engage in. But date someone who scares you because they encourage you to face all of the things you’ve tried to suppress for so long. Date someone who lovingly pushes you to become more who you are at your core as a person. Date someone who nudges you outside of your comfort zone regularly and helps you level up in life.
It might just be the best thing you ever did for yourself.
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Jordan Gray is the relationship coach for entrepreneurs. You can see more of his writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com
photo: iStock
Oh I so strongly disagree. You do make some points, of course a relationship should be about bringing out the best in each other and developing together, but this lacks any nuance. Lots of women seek such a challenging partner, because they’re alluring, and find themselves working hard to be the best they can be. But someone who scares you seems to me badly formulated. Rather you should say: someone with whom you can be constructively critical about yourself and each other, in loving harmony and mutual trust and understanding. Because there are LOTS of sick people with cluster B… Read more »
I do live my life based on this belief. I go for someone wanting to know their deep down emotional core. I’m an extremely empathetic emotional person who has an understanding of my own core and I’m never judgmental. HOWEVER, I’ve been burned numerous times due to my highly emotional nature. I’ve been a victim of con artist men, been emotionally taken advantage of by narcissists and so forth. I’ve been hurt badly by men but it will never change who I AM or my beliefs. I will still come to you with a trusting and understanding heart. It’s hard… Read more »
I know this might seem uncommon but have you ever met someone who not only scares you but you also scare them? The guy in question is pretty much exactly how Jordan described his experience, which is kind of like an oxymoron given his profession. He’s great at what he does best, but outside of that, he’s very uncomfortable. We’ve only met up a few times, but just when things are looking up, he runs and hides. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just as scared. I’ve never felt a strong connection with anybody before, and it’s taken me… Read more »
How do I get her back. She was afraid too and it showed in many ways. She finally let go. She gave up when I would get upset at her insecurities. I adore her and knew where her heart was, so I never lost faith. I still don’t. My heart stops and my tears are plentiful when I think of her.
I married that same woman & lost her nearly three years ago. My heart stops and the tears are plentiful too when I think of her. New opportunities for love and intimacy have passed my way since, but I have chosen to let them pass. I still hold that flame even though she has forgotten what we had. A fresh start in a new town has helped, but as much as she has hurt me I would take her back in a heartbeat.
Thank you, really great article and I agree with what your wrote. True intimacy is worth waiting for and fightting for. How often do we mistake “fear of intimacy” for an abusive fear. Better to stay and work out the fears and deepen your love.
If dating someone that ‘scares’ you is essential, then I am a member of that small minority that calls ‘bull’. Such stress is beyond unhealthy for a person who may be suffering from one of many issues. Why is it so hard for the extrovert-bias world to just leave those of us who do not want relationships alone? It sounds like those who advocate the single life, or are shy by nature, are viewed as oddballs with no place in society.
I’m sorry, I call bull on all of this. Love, like God, is dead.
Maybe you won’t see how it’s essential at the moment because it will feel horrible, but everyone needs to understand pain. If we aren’t bleeding, we aren’t alive. We need to challenge each other to grow. It doesn’t have to last forever unless you choose to harp on it. Usually people will break up with someone and be single before dealing with his/her emotions. They won’t let it get worse before it gets better. They’ll just give up when it starts to feel bad. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you enough, they just think they need to be alone.… Read more »
I think you completely misunderstood the article as in no way is it forcing you to date someone or saying that you should date Freddy Krueger it’s saying that it should feel like the top of a roller coaster or the first bungee jump but if you want to be a Hermit that’s cool he never said you have to do it he said it should be scary like a rollercoaster a bungee jumpand no one saying that you must be a scary woman There was no prejudice to the hermit in his article by all means be alone
Awesome Article!
Wow! I am truly touched by this article! Thank you!
I perfectly understand what Mr. Jordan Grey means on his article. This is not about someone who scares you in a way that your phisical or mental integrity is threatened or abused. This article is about someone who scares you in a way who makes you feel like nobody did to you before. Someone who makes you vulnerable so you are afraid of showing your real you. Someone who makes you have butterflies in your stomach so you deny this feeling because you deep down know he is “the one.” Definitely, it’s a fear that will make you realize that… Read more »
Do we have this man in 50 shades of his last name……..
I don’t understand how anyone can read this article and think it advocates abuse or mistreatment in any way, especially when Mr. Gray says very specifically not to date anyone who is “controlling, angry, violent, or abusive.” It can be scary (or triggering, or anxiety-producing, if that seems less negative) to be in a relationship with someone who asks you to do things differently, and in a more healthy way, than you might have done in a previous relationship. Some of the very behaviors one should do (expressing all types of feelings, making boundaries, etc.) may have been the very… Read more »
What a wonderful thought. Another way to be “scary” is to be real this day and age, judge and criticize when due and give tough love. Since this is more rare today than ever, it will be scary at first to a more gentle partner, but if he is made out of the right flesh, he/she will grow to appreciate it sooner than later and find it refreshing.
Exact same thing happened to me. I knew she wouldn’t settle less than for the best person I could be. She would hold me accountable, and she would lift me higher. I knew when I met her that I’d better be ready to step up.
So basically you’re supporting the emotional abuse of men.
Imagine telling women they should date men who scare the hell out of them. How would that come across, do you think?
I’m sure Phil Hartmann really grew as a person. Before she killed him.
I’m cool with it but that’s probably because I read the article and not just the title and understand what he was talking about not abused but being open honest and showing your true
did you read the article or just the title because if you read the article it in no way shape or form advocates for abuse of men
I met him and we dated two months. My demons came out and he was done. He helped me understand myself so profoundly, and I’m eternally grateful for his role in my journey of self-growth. I wish I could tell him that I’ve grown and have a second chance, but he may be done for good.
This was really great. Excellent. My only problem is the part where they say to not be with an angry woman. Women are allowed to get angry. It’s what they do in the grand scheme that counts. If women don’t get angry with certain things, I would either a) worry about the woman and her mental state (!), or b) have concerns about her sincerity/honesty. Women shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of healing and growth with total grace that never shows any signs of her own pain.
(I commented already but wanted to phrase it another way, in addition.)
I couldn’t agree more Elizabeth. Every person is allowed to be angry throughout the context of their relationship. I didn’t mean to say that women who get angry shouldn’t be valued, but that the cumulative effect of being (pick any multiple of these) “controlling, angry, violent, or abusive” is a red flag.
Thanks for your comment 🙂
Should women date men who scare them? Why should men tolerate abuse?
You’re right, they shouldn’t tolerate abuse Ken.
“Don’t date someone who scares you because they are controlling, angry, violent, or abusive in any way.”
please read the article it does not Advocate abuse in any form
being an angry person and sometimes getting angry are two totally different things
I think it’s unfair though, that they say to find a woman who is never angry or controlling, only loving and accepting, because the reality is women are people, too. Women can get angry or get controlling as an emotional response to negativity or stuff that is hard to deal with the same way a man can, and it can be understandable if you are asking her to see you and ultimately love and accept you. Let’s look at it from the other side– the side where the man didn’t want to confront his demons, only wanted to run away.… Read more »
It is saying not to date someone who is ALWAYS ANGRY AND CONTROLING because that is an abusive relationship
Thank you for this very beautiful and very TRUE statement of the growth that is possible in relationship. As someone that finally found the person that can lovingly and compassionately work through our ‘fears’ together, I agreed wholeheartedly. Especially love this: “Don’t date someone who scares you because they are controlling, angry, violent, or abusive in any way. That’s the bad kind of fear and it’s an unhealthy relationship to engage in. But date someone who scares you because they encourage you to face all of the things you’ve tried to suppress for so long. Date someone who lovingly pushes… Read more »
Thank you Natalie! I’m glad you enjoyed this one 🙂
I scare the piss out of my boyfriend because he is finally with a stable, independent, loving woman. He has never experienced this before, he has never had a “healthy” relationship in his entire life and as much as he loves me, the anxiety he brings to this relationship is emotionally draining. I understand where this all stems from, I understand we are both growing as people but it’s been almost two years and I fear I may need to walk away from a man I love with all my heart.
I think after two years, one has to evaluate why this relationship is not working.
If he still has anxiety, it could be one of two things, either he is very insecure, or you are doing something to create this anxiety?
What is the thing you fight with him about the most? Is he the jealous type?
Angelguy
Angelguy, my partner is not jealous but he believes everyone leaves (because everyone has) and his fear is that I will do the same one day. This is all he knows….his biological parents abandoned him, his adoptive mother abandoned him, his father and stepmother were emotionally and physically abusive. I do all I can to make him see how much I love him and we communicate about what he is feeling but there are times when there is a trigger (typically a miscommunication) and his anxiety flies through the roof. He gets stuck in his head with his own story.… Read more »
My ex boyfriend is the same way.. abandonment, years of emotional abuse from his mother, ex wife, and ex girlfriend led to him being beaten down to nothing, being insecure about our relationship, not believing that I truly love him and care about him because I treated him the way he deserved to be treated. All his life he’s been told he’s not good enough, he’s not worth anything. When I would compliment him on something, he was surprised because no one had ever done that before. Our relationship was going really well, we got along great, our kids got… Read more »
Please just hang in there a little while longer. I am that man. I am your boyfriend – metaphorically. Deep down he knows how fine a line the two of you walk sometimes and he knows he wants nothing more than to make you feel like the wonderful woman you are (I apologise for the assumption but your comment is full of such love and compassion I can only conclude you are a wonderful wonderful woman). Keep him honest and support him and he will come through this.
“Intimacy is about truly letting someone see you. It’s also anxiety producing for the vast majority of people”. – Brilliant work!
Seriously great article. Thank you.
My pleasure MC! I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Really great article; well written and thoughtful and wise. But you’re not with her? What happened that made her or you leave? I’m going through something similar and that’s why I ask. Keep writing!
Nothing more fighting or challenges man, more than a southern women with class. You know deep down, you don’t do right. Your Will find out what and why, more ways than one. You don’t act a gentleman the same rules apply.. I love it. .
So if a woman doesn’t act like a lady, it’s up to a man with class to tell her she did wrong?
wow you Really have a way with twistipeople’s words to be totally negative when they weren’t saying anything negative at all. If you do this ALL the time you have a sad existence indeed. The only negative things that I have read are your comments after you twist the words and suck the happy out of them