5 challenges to men facing divorce
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Father’s were once young boys who were told that making a mistake looks bad – better do something you know you can succeed at than let others see you are weak. Piggy backing this belief, father’s grew up with the story that mother’s are better parents than father’s.
They were once young men who were told that they must become rich and be able to provide for a family despite the cost to their dreams and livelihood. Somewhere along the way we worked so hard, and forgot we are an equal part of the parenting dyad. We forgot that our dreams allow our children to build their own.
Father’s were children who, when their parent’s divorced, were often told they were better off with their mom.
They were once adults, who were told to give up on their dreams for the sake of their family and relationships.
Father’s were men who were always given more options to give up, rather than succeed.
The twentieth century drove fathers from parenting, from their dreams, and further from themselves than they have ever been. We’ve given up on them, and taught them to give up in return.
Memories sledge me in the gut.
My biological mother took me from my father before I was one, and hid with me in the mountains. My father was forced to decide whether he would give up on me, or not.
I am a father of three beautiful boys. The first two, identical twins, were born without my knowledge (I got a phone call in the week after they were born by a third party). My partner at the time told me if I had anything to do with the children, she would break up with me. She wanted me to give up on them.
Then, after a recent, terrible separation with the woman I married, I have two lawyers in two different countries, and am stepping into a realm of custody, divorce, and strategic warfare against the very person I shared love with for many years; our little one caught between the crossfire, sending me into pangs of guilt and distress.
Many have told me to just give up.
- “See him when he’s eighteen and you can start a relationship when he’s older.”
- “The mother is the primary care giver. That’s what he needs. Just focus on your work.”
- “Do whatever you can to save the relationship, so you don’t grow up without the child.” (I was mentally, emotionally, and physically abused during this relationship)
- “You don’t stand a chance, she is the mother and he is young.”
However, a vanguard of men are stepping forward and saying,
“hey, we are caring beings, we want to provide an influence in our children’s lives, and we’re not longer interested in looking in from the outside.”
Count me among them.
Men and Fathers are now in a double bind. If they do not become rich, follow their creative passions, feel and communicate their feelings, and spend more time at home, they are not seen as men. These men are often abused. If they do become wealthy and invest their time in their work then they are labeled as abandoners, “not family men”, who spend too much time away from home, absorbed in their job.
If a man and his wife separate, he is an abandoner if he gives up custody. If he does not give up custody, he is made aware that he is infringing on the mother-child relationship, and is “punished” by having to pay.
A father’s wallet has become more valuable than his time with the children.
We need to dream a new reality where both mother’s and father’s are empowered into their equally important roles. Here are my challenges toward Father’s who feel stuck, who look in from the outside:
Inheritance of Avoidance:
Practice a daily awareness that your reluctance to dive into the lives of your children does not necessarily mean you do not want to be a father. Know that you have inherited generations of fatherly attitudes that say your emotions are dangerous and you have little right to intrude on the mother-child relationship. Your child is half you, and if they want to know themselves, and indeed they will have to in order to grow and thrive in life, then without question, knowing you is a great thing.
Know you are Safe:
Because most fathers have not learned to share their emotions (another inheritance), sometimes those bodily charges can build up. Sometimes we get angry and shout. Just because your emotions are uncontrolled at some points, does not mean your child is not safe with you. In fact, a deep connection with your child goes lengths to reducing that charge. Just because you are a man, does not mean you are innately dangerous.
You are a victim too:
Even though parts of society and extremists will deny you this side of the spectrum. Many courts these days, fortunately, opt for an equal share of children. Having gone through lawyers both as a child and as a separated man, I am learning that I do have rights. When I get discouraged I see my son looking up at me saying, “don’t give up Dad. I need you.”
Don’t give up:
There may only be a small opening, a hidden path among the thorns of abandonment, that leads to staying engaged. The way you approach your child and his/her right to see you, is indicative of how you pursue your dreams in the world. If you have given up on them then it is easier to give up on your child. If you fight for your dreams, and find a way to deliver your gifts into the world, then you will also creatively find a way to have your child in your life. Find the one path that keeps connection alive, both to your calling and your children. This small path is your unique destiny.
Keep an open heart:
Your ex partner is the last person on your favorite list. But just because they may be trying to keep you out of the picture, does not mean you should keep them out of yours. Build some new neuro-pathways and hold them with love in your heart. Make sure your child knows that the other parent always has a place in conversations. Know, that from the standpoint of growth, this other person represents a challenge to grow out of old ways of thinking into new paths of harmony. Open your heart to the love that comes out of this social and familial activism.
How have you, as both men and women, been challenged to give up? How have you given up? How have you stood for what you believe in? Success stories? Failure stories? I’d love to hear them!
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Giving up is easy to do. But for some of us.. our dreams were to have children and be fathers. It was my dream long before I could even fathom the kind of responsibility. Thankfully my dreams came true 17 years ago. But I find it exceptionally disheartening to be in a society where, when two people separate, the Mom automatically is assumed to be a primary caregiver, except in rare circumstance, and that the Dad is assigned a visitation window and a child support payment schedule. I know so many Dad’s who are guilted, shamed, and held hostage by… Read more »
And when a father has free access to his children, all support to see them, anytime, and refuses? What then? I thought this would be an article i could send my ex to offer him support and encouragement in maintaining his relationship with his children – but no. So I, and thousands of separated and divorced mothers like me will continue to comfort our children when their hearts break because their previously involved and loving dad doesn’t want to see them anymore.
Hi Amber,
I can understand why you are frustrated with this. I’m wondering why you could not send this article to your ex? I believe that blaming men for their absence is further subduing them.
First of all, you chose him. You women need to stop marrying men who are losers. Also, you women need to stop being losers. You can thank feminism for that. You already sound like you are playing the victim and not taking responsibility. Much like my ex-wife who has screwed me out of my children’s life. You are probably doing the same thing and he doesn’t want to put up with your shit anymore. Like me, dealing with a bitchy entitled lazy shit of an ex-wife isn’t worth trying to have a meaningful relationship with the child. As Jordan pointed… Read more »
Don’t worry there are countless articles on the net out there to feed your need to trash men who aren’t in their kids lives regardless of why they aren’t there. One little article here won’t hurt you that much.
Thank you for this article. It helps. I gave up my dreams. I thought they’d been crushed, stolen. I gave up on having a relationship with my kids. I thought they been kept from me. I thought I had been vilified, alienated, forsaken. I thought I thought and felt like a victim. In many of these ways I was indeed wronged. What happened was wrong. What she did was wrong. What I did was wrong. But I gave up. Sure wish I had not given up. Now it’s too late. It’s been 15 years or more. Torment, confusion, loss, regret,… Read more »
Chris,
Thank you so much for your words. They hit me deep. So much poignant honesty there. I just wonder if “too late” is actually, irrevocably, true?
Concerning fathers and children in this age of misandry, the reason to fight is NOT because you can win. The reason to fight is because you CANNOT win.
The fight itself is the only gift you can give to your children. The mother can keep the father from seeing his children, but if he fights for them through all of the discrimination and sexism of modern family courts, the children will know that they were worth fighting for.
Thanks Anthony,
I like the way you put it right out there that the reality is, they cannot win, but we must fight anyway, so the children know. I would like to add that the ability to keep going, and fight in the face of something that seems impossible, is a reflection of how men engage with the pushback from the world in following their dreams.
What a well written article, Jordan. Your ability to soak this wisdom from your challenges is so inspiring. When I read through the list of discouraging things you were told, I feel gutted and angry. I wonder how many times my ex-husband and father to our children was told the same things by family, friends, or myself. I question how much he may have backed off feeling defeated, helpless, and not what his kids are in need of. I can actually feel it rotting away the remains of all the fear I had around letting go of my children…this lie… Read more »
seriously Jordan! Everything you write kills me!! You always leave out the other side!! Yes it’s not right that men are kept from their children, agreed! Then there is the scenario where children need to be, for their own good. Also is women give up our dreams and work out ass off for our children’s. Two way streets, everything!!!
Thank you “Ali” for your response. This article is written for men, being The Good Men Project. If you have a personal problem with the way I write, you are welcome to write your own articles to voice your opinion in response. I would encourage women to do the same, but can only speak from the male experience. If these articles trigger to the point of “killing you” I suggest taking a deeper look at your own issues. This article is meant to empower men who are struggling to engage, and feel left out. If you have a problem with… Read more »
Ali, Interesting comment. It’s my observation that the author of an article writes from his or her own perspective for the particular audience of the publication. Contrast to a report of findings of academic or professional scientific research, where including known variables comes into play, and where the audience is usually other scientists (social scientists, in this case), who are invited to research to disprove the report of findings.
I am fairly confident to say that you are probably the woman whom these opinions were formed around