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*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
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A question was asked, “Where have all the good men gone”, and answers were found – The good men are scared of marriage, they are scared of divorce, they are scared of losing their kids, they never wanted to, or never had to, grow up or they simply can’t find any good women. Pondering this, I began to wonder if I remarried again what would I want in a marriage. What would make me take that leap a second time, what would truly make me feel blessed in both good times and bad? I asked the old dogs, those who have been married for decades, those who should have an answer, not necessarily my answer though, and they responded; respect, support, tenderness, love, passion, honor, commitment, compatibility, intimacy, listening, communication and tenacity to weather life together. But these were not enough for me, it’s like describing a fish by saying it has fins, or a tree by saying it has leaves. Only I could answer my own question, a question I should have asked myself a long time ago.
So what am I looking for? I’m looking for my equal, someone who’s seen the harsh realities of life but someone who can still see the beauty in life too. I’m not a man who leads, and I’m not a man who follows either, I’ve always traveled my own path, my journey towards forever, and I’m looking for someone to share that with, someone who walks a similar path. In dating, a man is supposed to take control and lead, but this to me does not make for equals. In movies a man is supposed to be nagged because he does not know what to do, but this does not make for equals either. There are times that I should take the steering wheel, and times I am weary and my partner should take that responsibility too. There will be times we will both be weary and it falls upon us both to search for a romantic rustic cottage, a place we both can pause and recharge. I’m looking for an equal but I despair that the rules of this game are rigged.
I need to see that hunger in her eyes when my partner desires me.
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Am I searching for love, passion, intimacy, tenderness? You bet I am, but I must feel it in return. As a man I need to be shown that I am loved, words are not enough for me. I need to be touched; to have my hair tussled playfully while I concentrate. I need to see the playful exuberance a woman is want to display from time to time. I need to see that hunger in her eyes when she desires me. I need to be shown what she likes in bed, I need to hear her fantasies, I really won’t judge. I want to be let into her mind and enveloped by what I find there. I want to catch her smiling when she looks at me when she thinks I can’t see. I want times when we do nothing more than enjoy each other’s presence. I want nothing more than to know that I touch her heart as much as she touches mine. But some of these things seem to be forbidden, as if some rule precludes too much, as if I must guess how much I am loved because if I knew I would somehow lose interest.
I want to share my dreams, they are important to me. They define every fiber of my being and I am nothing without them. My dreams are uncut diamonds and my worth is cut out from their shaping. The person that I marry, they can’t have me and not my dreams because that is not the person they met. I know they’re large and impossible but that’s beside the point. I want to fly through space, to show the world that beauty still exists and to see and feel that beauty every day. It’s why I study astronomy, why I write and why I dance. This is the journey that I will share, I need my partner to understand that I may well never reach these impossible heights but if I stumble I want to know I can count on my partner to offer me a hand up. The true ring on her finger will be set with the diamond that I shape myself into. I fear though that I live in a world where dreams are dismissed as nothing but flights of fancy.
What do I want most though? I want to know that my partner values our commitment together. I want to know that my partner honors and respects that commitment as much as I do. I know full well the costs that come with a failed marriage, I know full well how easily I can be left as a mere husk of a man taking years to heal, I know full well the power a woman can wield in those final days. For better or for worse you have been given this power so I ask of my partner with two things. It is our responsibility for our commitment, not all mine, not all yours, but ours. It must be maintained by both of us as equals. Secondly I can’t promise things won’t be hard, they will be, they can be very hard, but it is our responsibility to weather them, not all yours, not all mine, but ours. Please remember we are committed together, we are not enemy combatants, and we are not trying to be better or worse off than the other. Our Happiness, victories, losses and miseries have to be shared or our commitment will break under the strain. But I fear the media has taught us well how to see the green grass in distant pastures and commitments are abandoned, left to fallow, rather than fertilized and watered.
I have started to wonder if we have spent so much time perfecting what we are looking for in a partner that we have somehow forgotten to look at what we want in a relationship.
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So I have started to answer my question. I am sure there is far more but these are some of the things that were missing, disappeared, or lacking in my past and I feel their loss even now. I don’t know whether I am a good man but I see my friends searching for good women and men. Somehow they rarely ever meet. I have started to wonder if we have spent so much time perfecting what we are looking for in a partner that we have somehow forgotten to look at what we want in a relationship. They seem to be very different things, traits in a partner versus traits in a relationship. I think there are still a lot of good men and women out there, but I think we spend far too much time looking for a perfect partner instead of what we should be looking for – a good relationship.
Also by Luke Davis
What it Takes to See a Man’s Feelings | Have You Seen a Man’s Heart? | There is No Path to Find Yourself | Why Date a Man Who Dances? |
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Very good points. Side note: I realize that the author is heterosexual, but these points are valid regardless of orientation. That said, I look forward to the day when good content such as this is less heterocentric and more neutral.
Thanks Silke, Jules, Jason, Iben and FlyingKal. I’m glad it touched you guys. There are so many messages out there on what women want, how to please women, make them fall for you and so on. I think there is a whole world out there of mens desires and needs and I think people forget this. That men just have to accept what we can get and be happy about it because our desires are unimportant. The common theme I came across for Where have all the Good Men Gone was no one seemed to have actually asked the good… Read more »
Luke Thank you! Let me share something with you. When I was still marrried ,but saw the relationship crumble ,I often asked my husband “What do you want?”. I know he wanted sex , but apart from that I had now clue. I knew what my father wanted since I had lived with him for 20 years,but my husband was different . I knew that he wanted to succeed in his job, that he worked to change our society to a better world for all of us in politics. But I did not know what he wanted from me. When… Read more »
Luke, I like that you were able to articulate the kind of relationship that would work for you. I do think this is something more men need to do. Usually when you ask a man what he is looking for, most of the dialogue focuses on her age, looks and breast size. This is a welcome change. And yes, there are a lot of pieces out there telling men how to please women or how to get them into bed. But these articles are usually pretty shallow, ultimately they are about how to teach men to get what they want… Read more »
🙂 There is nothing wrong with wanting a leader as a partner. I’m a Latin dancer so I understand leading far better than most people. But the best dances I have are the ones where the lady communicates what she wants from the dance. When this happens even though I’m the leader the dance is a true partnership. It’s not the easiest to put this into words though because it happens all through touch.
We actually may have the same idea on “leadership” afterall! I am totally with you about the need for a woman co communicate what she needs.Naturally, in respectful ways. I will also say that i have not always been very good at that. Especially when I was younger. It’s taken many years for me to vocalize what I need from a relationship. Even now, it’s still not always easy. I think some of that has to do with individual personality and how girls are brought up to not step on other’s shoes (yes pun intended!). Some men are eager to… Read more »
Luke,
There is nothing wrong with wanting a leader as a partner, I agree to that.
But then, it should not be wrong wanting a follower for a partner either. But I see a lot of men being ridiculed for that, insinuating that they can’t handle a “real” woman…
Erin,
“Usually when you ask a man what he is looking for, most of the dialogue focuses on her age, looks and breast size. This is a welcome change.”
Have you actually asked, and had tht conversation with a lot of men, or have you mostly been Reading the magasines?
I have asked a lot of wome what the are looking for. And it seems that quite a lot of them want someone who is very much like me, but not ME.
Go figure?
You say it so well for all of us. I am proud of you, Mr. Davis.
Luke,
This was so Beautiful, it actually made me cry.
I can only say Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I too am not a leader, nor a follower. I would want someone to walk beside me on the path less travelled.
Someone to help me find the way, not someone who just lags behind and tells me we’re heading the wrong way.
And Jason, you also puts it oh so well.
I too had a relationship where I thought I had it all, only to find there wasn’t room for me, my visions and dreams, there.
Very well done. You, Sir, have taken the words from my heart – and so many men’s hearts. I’m finding it really difficult not to become jaded after a failed marriage (so much shared blame, but my heart and self-image is still reeling) and feeling secure in a relationship where I thought I had it all (and honestly, I did) only to find that there wasn’t a place for me there. Which brings me to the bit that has been showing up in my own search. Women my age (40 – give or take) who are single have become so… Read more »
Perfect Luke. Fantastic job! “I need to be touched; to have my hair tussled playfully while I concentrate.” Yes! What is so terribly sad is how few men, especially married men, ever get this simple touching from their wives..Some never even got it from their own mothers… “I want to catch her smiling when she looks at me when she thinks I can’t see. I want times when we do nothing more than enjoy each other’s presence .” Beautiful! So simple a request and want. Yet, so elusive for most men, especially married men. This man has given up on… Read more »
Hi Jules
Shall we talk?
It matters to me how you feel.
@Iben,
Thanks for being a great person. I have always admired your point of view and respected them
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Sometimes I can come across a bit harsh on women…I am still struggling after over five years with my failed marriage and all the baggage…
Like FlyingKal below, Luke’s piece touched me oh so deeply.
Thanks for your concern.
You write so well. And you are wise .