Here’s a conversation no one else is having: how to show your manliness with but. Be creative and make a difference to those you care about.
—
The word but has got itself a bad rap. It supposedly highlights an uncaring attitude. It needn’t; it’s a nice enough word.
Yet, don’t you cringe when you hear this from someone? I love your new abs/power tool/man cave, but . . .
What if you could cleverly bring back but to positively affect someone you work with or love? A little but in the conversation can have an amazing effect.
♦◊♦
The word may be ‘nice enough’, yet it isn’t in the sentence
Today, the word but is on the outer; it doesn’t get invited to the best sentences anymore. But causes hard stares and distancing between people when they attempt to communicate.
To get but back into the conversation, we first have to understand what’s happening. And we can see it clearly in a sentence like this one:
But is usually a good word, but it causes too much grief for people to appreciate it.
That’s a little subtle; the but was almost apologetic. Let’s see another but:
A man is responsible for his actions but how he was raised will affect everything he does.
Ouch! That but almost removes all responsibility. No wonder some people want to put but into exile with pariahs like the n-word.
Being manly with a but will obviously take effort.
Motivating others should be easy BUT often isn’t
What’s happening at your work this week? Do you have any doubts your company values your presence and performance? When a request comes down for volunteers to stay a little later, do you hear a warming word?
The company appreciates all you do, but we think more blood focus will increase output.
That was bruising, wasn’t it? One but was all it took to push that compliment off the letter and out‑of‑mind. Even if that ‘thank you’ was sincerely meant, you didn’t feel it.
Do you find yourself falling into this trap when you communicate?
I screwed up and I’m sorry, but others made mistakes too, which cost the company its order.
Are you really taking responsibility? You’ll get a more rewarding result if you frame your sentences differently.
Use your BUT to give, not to take away
Employees recall best the last instruction you give them; make it positive.
It’s good to reflect on this oft‑quoted line: Everything before the but is bull.
Reflect on your experience.
Using the word but to introduce a statement of gratefulness gives the message that you mean it despite anything that’s gone before.
We know more focus will increase output, but the company appreciates all you do.
This refocused message communicates caring more positively.
A BUT wrongly placed often causes conflict
We’ve laughed about communication challenges among couples for generations. It’s easy to find an article with advice like: How to talk to your unresponsive partner, or What your wife really meant.
George Bernard Shaw weighed in too:
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Imagine you’ve decided to redecorate. Your partner takes on the task while you’re away on a business trip/school camp/educational conference. What comment will bring a smile to your significant decorator’s face when you return?
You did the decorating well, and I’m pleased you volunteered to do it, but I wouldn’t have chosen those colors.
You might be doing the rest of it yourself!
Use your BUT to highlight positive feedback
It isn’t even a four‑letter word, yet you can confront and shock if you put but in the right place.
Compliments may be genuinely meant, but it’s well to repeat that they only get heard if you finish your communication with them.
I wouldn’t have chosen those colors but you did the decorating well, and I’m pleased you volunteered to do it.
Same words, but a different order and undoubtedly better results.
Groups can achieve a lot, BUT they need concise communication
We’re all in lots of groups, both offline and online. And we often don’t know each other well, so it’s easy to give offense without meaning it. The tone of any feedback is as important as the message. And your but can make all the difference.
Imagine if you read this about a just‑completed fundraiser you helped with:
We’re all in this together and everyone’s contribution is valued, whatever it is, but I think we have it in us to try harder.
No wonder there are calls to ban the but.
A good BUT will help you show your feelings effectively
Powerful, complimentary feedback strengthens all who hear it.
Unfortunately, any expression of thanks followed by but in the same sentence is negated by that word, and won’t be heard, or will be dismissed as insincere.
Be aware of your but.
I think we could all try harder next time, but we’re all in this together and everyone’s contribution is valued, whatever it is.
A but before a compliment enhances it.
♦◊♦
Why not affect someone positively with your BUT today
When you think first of protecting your position, your language will reveal your stance. And when you do this, others won’t feel honored, or thanked or included.
But when you put the honoring and including and thanking words after but, they are highlighted and heard.
Try it.
How could you change your use of but so you give useful and warming feedback that gets heard?
—
This post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock