No two kids are the same, and there are aspects of parenting that have to be tailored to individual needs and personalities. What shouldn’t be compromised are the basic needs.
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Growing up in a home without a father, I had to learn about being a man from other sources. That could have been uncles, brothers, teachers, or just about any male that had influence in my life–good or bad. As I was transitioning from child to man, I didn’t always realize what I was missing or where I was following the wrong path. Today, however, it’s more obvious. It’s also easy to look back and see where things went right, and where the influencer was a positive role model.
There are key moments and people in everyone’s lives that stay with you forever and for our children, it will be no different.
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I have always said that I was quite lucky to have some of the people in my life who helped me develop, learn and grow. Many positive examples are strewn throughout my life both male and female; that helped build the foundation and continue to influence who I’m becoming. There are key moments and people in everyone’s lives that stay with you forever and for our children, it will be no different. The big moments are easy for us to identify, the big people aren’t always as clear.
Looking back on my childhood, and how it relates to my sons, I have always focused heavily on the negatives that I didn’t want to repeat in their upbringing. What I forget to do far too often is pull the positive from my past and apply it to them. In other words, by just focusing on not being a terrible role model, I find myself trying to reinvent the wheel, instead of just relying more on the positives that I experienced and using them.
Discovering what it was about each person in your life that had a meaningful impact is important in developing yourself as a father. What is it that you needed that you didn’t get enough of? Are their qualities that you feel you need to emulate more for your kids? What kind of dads do our kids need?
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A Disciplined Dad– How our children react to certain circumstances says a lot about us as fathers. When adversity strikes, do they want to give up? Do they get angry? Do they push through? Things that life throws at us most of the time are just obstacles on the path to the things we are trying to achieve if our kids don’t see in us a desire to work hard for what we want then where will they learn it from? They need to know that their father is someone who will stick with tasks, jobs, responsibilities, and most importantly fatherhood. Discovering what you make a priority lets them know what you think is important.
A Consistent Dad– When children have responsibilities, either given by us or acquired by circumstance, we expect them to handle them the correct way. We don’t want them to be influenced in a negative way by friends or social pressures that cause them to take things less seriously than we believe they should.
As dads, we also have to be consistent in dealing with our lives. Our kids don’t need fathers who parent based on time constraints or popular opinions of the day. Swaying in the breeze when it comes to our kids leaves them unsure of where they stand, and also, inconsistency can breed manipulation. We must be dedicated to handling situations the same no matter what else may be going on in our lives.
An Honest Dad– One of the most egregious errors our little ones can make is lying. It’s usually one of the earliest problems that we focus on. As our children grow and develop, they need and thirst for information and positive input from their fathers. We often trivialize their questions and make light of their curiosity, but when they are asking you a question they want an answer. Certainly, some issues require higher levels of maturity to understand and cope with, but when your son or daughter isn’t ready to understand the question they are asking, the answer should never be a lie or mistruth. The answer should be as simple as telling them that it is a discussion for a later time. There is no harm in waiting to cover sensitive issues with our kids; there can be great harm, however, in telling them something that just isn’t true.
I never want to be a stumbling stone for my sons; unfortunately, I don’t always succeed.
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A Loving Dad– We know our children need to be loved, and we know who the people in our lives are that love us. The issue here is not just that they know we love them, it must also be that we are not afraid to show that love. Don’t be hesitant to tell them as often as you can! Make sure they know that you love your partner as well. Those who find it hard to show love openly will most likely also find that they don’t receive it as often as they would like.
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No two kids are the same, and there are aspects of parenting that have to be tailored to individual needs and personalities. What shouldn’t be compromised are the basic needs. I never want to be a stumbling stone for my sons. Unfortunately, I don’t always succeed. What I do try harder to do every day is to learn from those moments I screw it up. It never hurts to apologize even to our children.
They aren’t asking for perfection; they are asking for our best. They are worth that.
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Photo: Flickr/ Josbert Lonnee