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And how we can do better.
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By Joanna Schroeder
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No parent (that I’ve ever met) would ever dream of teaching their child that rape is okay. But every day, in many different ways, well-meaning parents contribute to rape culture, and our kids suffer for it.
As moms and dads, we probably don’t talk directly about rape to kids, at least not until they’re older. But we’re still sending messages about sex and consent all the time. Because of that, we need to make sure we’re not teaching them some very dangerous lessons, even if just by accident.
Here are six (very common) ways we get it wrong, and how we can do better …
1. Telling our kids that “boys will be boys.”
As a mom of very active boys, I know most people don’t mean any harm when they say “boys will be boys,” but too often that phrase is used to excuse bad behavior, like hitting other kids or being destructive.
The truth is, boys are perfectly capable of respecting other people’s bodies,possessions, and space. But every time they hear us excuse their bad behavior as part of boy life, they learn that they are not only above the rules, but also that boys cannot control their impulses.
This message will stick with them as they grow older and sexual desire starts to kick in. As parents, we cannot be shocked that boys feel entitled to sexually harass others (whether it’s standard rape, like in Steubenville, or as part of the all-too-common tradition of sexual “hazing”) when we’ve been telling them their whole lives that they are above the rules, by virtue of being boys.
2. Forcing kids to hug and kiss others.
Lots of well-meaning, loving parents tell their kids to give a friend or relative a hug without considering whether their kid really wants to. This sends the dangerous message that consent can be over-ridden, or doesn’t matter at all.
Instead, suggest a few different ways to greet or say goodbye to loved ones. I ask my kids, “Do you want to give grandma a hug, or maybe a high five or a wave goodbye?”
Kids need to know, from the beginning of life, that consent matters.
3. Asking, “What did you do to make him hit you?”
This is a tough one, especially for parents with more than one kid. Siblings often antagonize one another until another loses their cool and lashes out physically, but it’s important to know the whole story before deciding upon consequences.
Asking, “What did you do to make him hit you?” teaches both the victim and the aggressor that a person can force someone else to make a bad choice. This message is all too common in our“What were you wearing the night you were raped?” society.
Instead, say to each child, “Please tell me the whole story of what happened, from the beginning.” That way you know the role each child played before placing any blame.
And be sure to remind kids that they always have a choice about whether to use violence or hurt someone else, and nobody can force them into it, even with annoying or hurtful words.
4. Teaching kids that boys hit girls because they like them.
It doesn’t matter whether your child is a girl or a boy, it’s important they learn early on that hitting or hurting someone to get their attention is never okay. And it is absolutely not a way to show somebody that you like them.
The phrase “He only does that because he likes you” should never cross our lips when our kids are being teased or hurt. It reinforces the idea that love equals suffering and that it’s okay to hurt others. Not only could this contribute to intimate partner violence later on, but it also teaches kids that their own desire for attention is more important than the feelings of the person they like.
If that’s not rape culture, I don’t know what is.
5. Slut-shaming any girl or woman in front of kids.
As parents, we are always teaching, even when we don’t know it. Our kids are listening to our words, and figuring out how what we say applies to them.
If our kids hear us excusing rape or sexual assault in any way, they will internalize that message. They will also hear you degrading women for their sexuality or clothing, and they will remember that.
They may start to believe that there are circumstances in which they deserve to be raped or assaulted, or believe that they are entitled to commit (or even just excuse) rape or sexual assault if the victim seemed to “deserve it.” Whether that’s because a woman made a “slutty” choice orbecause a male victim “seemed gay,” it is wrong. Every time.
When talking about rape and assault, remind your kids that nobody deserves rape, “asks for it,” or “had it coming.” There’s nothing anybody can do that forces another person to rape them, including being drunk or high. The blame for a rape always lands exclusively on the rapist.
6. Reinforcing the idea that girls should be “pure.”
A lot of girls today are taught that their value lies in their “purity” (meaning virginity or modesty) in a time when that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Girls are expected to remain virgins until marriage, despite the fact that 95 percent of Americans have sex before marriage. Even evangelical Christians have premarital sex at a rate of 80 percent, despite all the propaganda insisting women remain “pure” for marriage.
Telling a girl that her virginity or modesty is a defining part of her goodness is dangerous for many reasons, including the damage done to girls and women who are sexually abused or assaulted. As kidnapping and rape survivor Elizabeth Smart has explained, emphasis on purity may very well keep victims of sexual abuse and rape from escaping or asking for help.
For other kids, teaching that sex is only okay in marriage, or even only when you’re in love, can cause them to make less-than-healthy choices. Marnie Goldenberg, a health consultant and sexual health educator, says that for teens, trying to connect sex with love can actually become a trap. Girls are taught that being in love will always keep you sexually safe, which simply isn’t always true.
“If I [as a teenager] feel compelled to identify a feeling as ‘love’ when it isn’t, when it’s about lust (which is perfectly reasonable), I’m hampered in my ability to understand, communicate, and act on my interests.” In other words, if our kids feel empowered to identify lust as lust (without having to turn it into romantic love), they are better able to decide whether having sex is right for them.
Goldenberg explains that some boys even exploit the fact that girls confuse love for security and will manipulate girls to earn their trust and take advantage of them.
The idea that marriage, or even being in love, are prerequisites for ethical sex also casts girls who aren’t “pure” as not as deserving of society’s protection against abuse and rape.
And our kids deserve better.
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This article originally appeared on Babble.
More from Babble:
To the Mother of the Stanford Rapist
The Internet Is Going Wild Over Three Awesome Women Who Prevented a Date Rape
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Photo credit: iStock
Exhibit A Ladies and Gentleman of one of the many reasons why Donald Trump is our new president…If women feel so threatened when Men say you shouldn’t have the right to kill your innocent child…why shouldn’t Men have the right to say Women don’t have the right to define language or behavior of Men?… Any Man who thinks it’s ok to hit women isn’t a victim of “Toxic Masculinity” he’s an a hole, and any man who wants to date rape a woman is a criminal… these behaviors have nothing to do with male rape culture that’s idiotic this is… Read more »
There is no such thing as rape culture in the states. Go to some third world shit hole if you want to see a real rape culture.
Good advice all around but I noticed something. Pieces like this are exactly why people say that rape culture is only concerned with male against female rape. With a piece titled, “6 Ways We Accidentally Teach Our Boys Rape Culture” its interesting that other than “or because a male victim “seemed gay,…”(which was a footnote under the section about slut shaming girls and women mind you) there is no mention of how rape culture affects boys and men themselves besides how they are violent to girls/women. While the concept of rape culture makes some good points and observations its pretty… Read more »
How about when we teach boys that girls are superior and deserving of being put on a pedestal? Should we continue that? How about when we say “He must have done something to deserve being hit by her.”? Is that okay? How about virgin shaming boys? Or do only girls feelings matter? How about we stop reinforcing this feminist idea that men shouldn’t be manly? And if you really want to get rid of gender roles, which I’m sure you do, that means that chivalry dies for good, as it is/was a part of the role that only males had,… Read more »
You’re an idiot. Your sons can still offer to open doors and pull out chairs for their woman without beating them up every night because they think they deserve something for it all. Raise your sons to respect woman, woman already have to hold at least a little respect for a man being that they are larger people then we are. Kind of like respecting a bears boundaries… Why would we fuck with what we already know could kill us.
You’re an idiot. Aren’t women “strong and independent”? Can’t they open doors for themselves? Can’t they pull out their own chairs? As for sons, I’m childfree by choice. So I can’t raise “my” sons to do that. But hey, it’s boys that are taught to not hit a girl. Maybe we need to start teaching girls to not hit boys, since females feel they can get away with it, because they “know” the guy won’t hit back. And hey, if guys are beating up girls every night, well, let’s take a line that’s used when women abuse men, what did… Read more »
Brian L, did you really begin your comment about being respectful with the sentence, “You’re an idiot.” ??
No you didn’t, Brian L ha ha….Any (below) did.
Left out touch isolation of boys rooted in homophobia and hysterical fear of pedophiles.
madness complete nonsense!!!
I think #5 is a bit tricky because of what slut shaming has come to mean. Parents have an obligation to set standards of behavior and dress for children. How do you teach a child modesty without slut shaming her? I think there is going to be significant over lap.
Start at the beginning … Not raping boys through sexual mutilation: aka circumcision.
Other aspects of rape culture:
When music videos show nearly naked young women with men who are both fully clothed and of varying ages – that’s rape culture (Think Blurred Lines video as one example.)
When video games allow you to rape and murder women, who are displayed nearly naked too, that’s rape culture.
When fashion magazines show high-glossy images of beautiful women in designer clothes spread out sexually or even shown as being dead (Jimmy Choo ads are one example of this…), that is rape culture.
Totally agree
Also part of rape culture: Porn. When the average ages boys begin looking at porn is anywhere from 9-12 years old, and the majority of porn shows that women ‘always want it’ and are portrayed as loving anything that is happening to their bodies even when a real woman wouldn’t find that enjoyable at all, this teaches boys and men rape culture. When women are denied being portrayed as autonomous beings with their own sets of needs, and are shown as happily to be men’s fantasies purely for men’s own sexual gratification, this teaches rape culture. When there actually has… Read more »
” even when a real woman wouldn’t find that enjoyable at all” Yeah, real women never like violent sex, 50 shades of grey was for men. Some real women like degrading sex, it’s part of what turns them on, it’s also different to being degraded outside of a consenting sexual environment. The majority of porn shows BOTH genders as always wanting it, stop twisting that fact into some evil. It’s up to society to teach people that porn is PURELY for pleasure n fantasy and isn’t always a realistic view on sex. “When video games allow you to rape and… Read more »
Watch a woman slap a man in public, zero consequences most times. In schools, girls had free reign to hit boys with no repercussions. It’s assumed that men are constantly in a state of consent when a woman has sex with them or rapes them so honestly I wonder if it’s boys being taught rape culture, or everyone. “As parents, we cannot be shocked that boys feel entitled to sexually harass others (whether it’s standard rape, like in Steubenville, or as part of the all-too-common tradition of sexual “hazing”) when we’ve been telling them their whole lives that they are… Read more »
Tom, regardless of when dinosaurs walked the earth, your experience doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. You more likely merely did not notice. I have experienced all 6 of these things and I continue to hear them because I now have a wee niece and nephew. I hear ‘boys will be boys’ all the time as an excuse for poor behavior. My parents, teachers, relatives, and older friends constantly told me growing up that the boys harassing me just liked me. I was punished for finally having enough and hitting them back. I want my little niece and nephew to never… Read more »
Wow, this is a real crock. These things “teach” out boys “RAPE” culture? Seriously? #1 How is “boys being boys” a reflection that boys are unable to respect others? It’s simple behaviors. Who came up with the idea that “boys will be boys” means that they’re bad? Nothing like shaming children into submission and THAT IS what you’re doing. ‘Bad behavior” is bad behavior and nothing more or less. When I think of boys being boys the last thing I think of is sexual prowess. I wish people would stop labeling boys in a negative way. It’s no difference then… Read more »
With respect Tom, I think you may have missed a few of the writers points. #1 isn’t saying that “boys will be boys” is a reflection that boys are unable to respect others in fact the other explicitly says and points to a different piece on the subject that boys absolutely can and do respect others and aren’t bad. The point being made is that when adults say “boys will be boys” as an excuse for when say boys are fighting, teasing, or bullying and not addressing it properly can given them the wrong impression that as boys they can… Read more »